Vermonts Only Nuclear Button Measurer Finally Gets the Call
RYEGATE Although many Americans have expressed concern over the presidents latest controversial tweet, one Vermont business is breathing a sigh of relief as they cater to their first official customer. Gabe Michaels, who started Lazy Gabes Nuclear Button Measurements in Ryegate over six years ago tells reporters that he is thrilled to be vindicated after all this time.
They told me it was a stupid idea, Michaels said early Wednesday morning. My wife in particular said I was just being lazy, which is why I named the company Lazy Gabes. But I told her, honey, we only need one customer, and then its all worth it. And now we actually have two customers.
Michaels officially registered the business back in 2011, and offers only one service, the measurement of big red nuclear buttons. According to the companys website the fee for a button measurement is twenty-five million dollars, and Michaels says he was never worried about the price.
Heck no, the governments always paying way too much for stuff. I think the army pays like a million bucks a toilet seat or some such, and all I needed was to measure one button, and then I could retire. Ive been right here on this couch, waiting for that call, and last night I finally got it. The president himself called me up, and Im heading down to D.C. this afternoon to measure his button for him. And actually weve got two clients now. Some nice Asian lady named Kim something-or-other called me up and asked me to come measure a button in one of them Koreas. Course Ill be at the White House, so I hired my cousin to do that one. Paying him twelve bucks an hour, minus the cost of the measuring tape.
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