We Have Always Been at War with Eastasia...Exucse Me, I Mean Amazon
In the future, those of us that survive will gather in the bars and the churches, to share the stories and show the scars we earned in the Amazon War of ‘18. “Grandad still has a hunk of cardboard packaging in his chest, from the Second Battle of Prime Day,” the children will brag, beaming.
Anyway. The news. (As always, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/always-war-eastasia-excuse-mean-amazon/)
Folks, how can I hope to maintain a political satire blog, when I've got the very President of the United States hornin’ in on my territory?
Yes, Smallhands Magoo proclaimed April “National Sexual Assault Awareness Month,” because irony passed out in a dive bar urinal and drowned. Fuck it. I'm proclaiming this National You Shouldn't Drink A Bunch of Beer and Write a Bunch of Poop Jokes About Our Shitsack President Month.
Yesterday was Easter, and the God Emperor of Shitty White Evangelical Losers celebrated by belching up as much hate and divisiveness as he could muster before his tiny inadequate fingers gave out, and he could tweet no more. Now, I'm not religious, but anyone who says we've lost sight of the meaning of Easter with all the bunnies and candy can get in fucking line, Jesus was super clear on this shit.
Shartboy's DACA tweets demonstrate two things:
1. He doesn't understand immigration policy. At all. It's possible he's actually forgotten that he's the one who ended DACA.
2. He's as racist as a Mississippi Klan chapter's hooded, whitey-white laundry.
I'm starting to think Tangerine Idi Amin has his Twitter feed hooked up to a speech-to-text program. He just rolls out bad, babbling in a half-conscious fury after breathing in experimental hair tonic fumes all night. I mean, when he tweets about “Moonbeam,” is he talking about Jerry Brown, or perhaps some mythical beast that torments him in his nightmares, perpetually clawing at his withered, misshapen, genitals, tauntingly proclaiming, “When you're a hippogriff, they let you do it?”
Stacey Dash ended her Congressional run a few weeks after starting it, and you've already read every conceivable CLUELESS joke, so why fucking bother? Nobody ever makes a MO’ MONEY joke or a CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF LOVE joke, I wonder why that is?
Famous Pants-Shitter/NRA Board Member Ted Nugent became the latest right-wing scrotum tumor to go after the Parkland kids, equating “Hey, having a bunch of your classmates murdered by a gun-wielding maniac is bad and we should make that stop,” with “lacking a soul.” Anyway, the moral judgements of a guy who adopted a teenager so he could fuck her carry a lot weight, obviously.
Somehow Scott Pruitt, despite wiping his ass daily with taxpayer cash, and now getting caught basically accepting bribes from a lobbyist, is still in charge of the EPA. And so he gets to do shitbag stuff like rolling back Obama-era automobile fuel efficiency standards, because clean air is, like so many things nowadays, FOR CUCKS.
California vows to maintain higher standards, so Scotty's gonna fly over there on a private jet, getting foot massages and gargling caviar, to try and make them stop. And MAGA nation will cheer another “victory,” merrily shelling out more at the gas station, all the while chuckling at how thoroughly the libtards have been owned.
Roseanne's back in the news, posing for horrific photo shoots and I guess she's got a show or something? Anyway, she wants us all to embrace Baron Golfin von Fatfuk, for his heroic efforts breaking up pedophile rings all over the...wait, what the shit?
Somehow Pizzagate didn't end when that crazy guy showed up to murder everybody? It just kept going, and expanding, like some creepy weirdo writing fanfic where Buffy's on Season 43 by now? Congratulations, America, you have the dumbest fucking people to ever walk the earth. Evolution took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
What next? I swear, they're gonna bring back Cheers, and every episode, they'll have to kick Norm out because he thinks Frasier's a lizard person.
Everybody saw all those Sinclair videos, right? Coordinated, corporate-mandated propaganda, dutifully spouted at you by your trusted local news team! If you hear a faint, mournful howling outside your window, that's just George Orwell's ghost weeping in despair.
We've since learned that Sinclair like, booby-traps their newsroom talent's contacts to keep them from quitting in protest. If you quit a Sinclair station, you have to live in a cave, spinning straw into gold, for forty years. Plus they get your firstborn and you're never allowed to listen to the Beastie Boys again, for the rest of your life.
Longtime readers are no doubt aware of the ongoing subplot where Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops, desperate to project an illusory image of competence, attempts to secure funding for his Big Stupid Wall, but he can't get any, because he's really really bad at his job, especially the deal-making part of it. Anyway, in possibly the most pathetic act of a supremely pathetic life, he's finally resorted to tweeting out pictures of an Obama-era repair project, and pretending that A) It's the Big Stupid Wall and B) He had something to do with it.
Just embarrassing.
Well, the Shart House and David Shulkin are slap-fighting over whether Dave resigned as VA secretary or was fired. It looks like Shulkin's version will prevail, as Team Fuckstick won't be able to produce a resignation letter. The Sunny D-Bag offered to forge the note himself, but General Kelly talked him out of it, likely because of the President's inability to spell at a third grade level.
Some jag is publishing a book, in which he claims Kellyanne Conway is the “number one leaker” on Littlefinger's staff, earning her the coveted Golden Diaper award. Conway denies this, but really, who gives a fuck?
Ron Johnson, GQ's “Dumbest Senator” for seven years running, had some thoughts on the Mueller investigation. RoJo, wearing laceless shoes and a clip-on tie, opined that the Special Counsel was appointed “too early,” (You really want to give the firing of an FBI director so as to obstruct justice room to breathe, right?) and he'd much rather have seen the Congressional oversight process, i.e. the Mad Magazine-caliber counter-espionage perpetrated by Devin “PF” Nunes, play out.
Johnson also mentioned he's been conducting his own little investigation...into HILLARY CLINTON. “Investigation.” Right. He's probably got one of those giant lollipops, and he thinks it's a magnifying glass.
Remember when poor, addled, Sam Nunberg stumbled from cable channel to cable channel, defending Roger Stone's honor? Those feelings are...not reciprocated. First Stone took a big ol’ public shit on Sammy, then it leaked that Mueller has an e-mail from Stone to Nunzie saying “Guess who met with Julian Assange? THIS GUY!,” and now Roger's trying to play it off like this hilarious joke he played! Like, yeah, the timeline is crazy suspicious, but I was just trying to put one over on ol’ my psycho pal, sometimes you draw dicks on his face when he falls asleep on the office couch, sometimes you lie about meeting Julian Assange! Har har har!
...I'm sure Robert Mueller finds it quite amusing, Mr. Stone.
So, Vlad Putin interferes in our election, hacks our energy grid, grins his way through a PowerPoint presentation where he nukes Florida, and, oh yeah, stages a chemical weapons attack on one of our strongest allies' native soil.
So naturally, Government Cheese Goebbels invites him over to the White House for overdone steaks and a rousing game of Connect Four. Which is a totally normal response for an American President to have towards an openly hostile adversary, especially one who has absolutely no piss-based video recordings to be blackmailed with.
Shit, it even turns out that the ONE time Fuck-O seemed to actually stand up to Russia, when he ordered the expulsion of 60 “diplomats?” Even that was bullshit! Now they're saying “Oh, feel free to send us some fresh spies to replace the old ones, they were probably getting tired of How I Met Your Mother reruns anyway.” For fuck's sake.
Il Douche recently booted Gary Cohn from his staff, because Gary's a fuckin’ downer, with his “don't start a trade war, trade wars are bad” wet-blanketry. Having successfully surrounded himself with the macaroni-and-cheese-like comfort of unwavering yes men, Donnie started his trade war anyway, targeting China particularly.
And so the Chinese government imposed a number of retaliatory tariffs, which is, of course, EXACTLY WHAT EVERYONE ON THE FUCKING PLANET KNEW THEY'D DO. 128 American products, expertly targeted to stomp hardest on the crotches of the workers who make up the Shart's base.
I don't even have to tell you this was yet another gut punch to the stock market. I guess Nasdaq's down for the year now, nice work, Boss Shart. Never thought I'd need to look back with nostalgic whimsy on the days when the American President didn't deliberately assault his own nation's economy, but here we are.
Of course, the other factor tanking stocks was the thing where the President decided to repeatedly attack an American corporation because the CEO also owns a media company that refuses to operate as a state propaganda outlet.
Won't do jack shit to retaliate against a hostile foreign power that attacks us again and again...wants to bring the full force of the Presidency down on an American company because the owner won't bend the knee. Got it.
Our old chum Georgie Papaderpaderp seems to be back to doing what he does best; getting hammered and shooting his damn fool mouth off.* Some dude says he met George and his wife at a club, and the Famous Coffee Boy drunkenly spouted off about how one Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III was up to goofy elf ears in collusion with Russia, cuz he wanted those sweet, sweet e-mails soooooo bad.
Like, Jeff Sessions is William Hurt in BODY HEAT, and the e-mails are Kathleen Turner.
Hey, so Lou Dobbs gets to call in to the Oval Office to weigh in on high-level decisions, that's...more horrifying than Stephen King's entire body of work. Quite the adventure, living in a country where you're governed by a petulant man-baby who disdains expertise in favor of the advice of a raging old bigot from the teevee box.
Speaking of the Best People, Shartcannon 2020 Campaign Manger Parscale seems to be getting itchy for the day when he can finally slap on a uniform and order his political opponents before a firing squad, isn't he? Can't we get rid of that pesky Jim Acosta and replace him with someone more...compliant?
Anyway, I've come to the point where the Delirious Deteriorating Dotard rambled about military spending, for an audience of children, next to the goddamn Easter Bunny, and there's no way I can top that shit. I'm out.
Stay safe, Resisters! It's all kinds of fucked up out there!
*He may yet go down in history as the Drunken Noob That Launched a Thousand Indictments.
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flip through channels and curse those endless “How I Met Your Mother” reruns, having nothing better to do...........*SIGH*
THANK YOU, TF......
——KEEP ON CHOOGLIN——
