Inconsolable Jeff Sessions Tries To Commit Suicide By Smoking Joint

[Yo_Mama_Been_Loggin]

WASHINGTON—Following months of bruising criticism from Democrats and President Trump alike, an inconsolable Jeff Sessions was reportedly trying to commit suicide Thursday by smoking a joint. “I swore I’d never take the coward’s way out, but what choice do I have?” said a teary-eyed Sessions, carefully laying a sealed envelope containing his farewell note on a tool bench in his garage as he raised a lighter to the marijuana cigarette with trembling hands. “This is it. I’ve taken four puffs to make sure there’s no chance of survival. It should only be a matter of minutes now. Oh, what a wretched, ignominious ending. Goodbye, cruel world, I’m sorry I’ve failed you so.” At press time, Sessions reportedly realized he had died after being overcome by a euphoric, floating feeling.

https://politics.theonion.com/inconsolable-jeff-sessions-tries-to-commit-suicide-by-s-1826462420?utm_source=TheOnion_Daily_RSS&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=&utm_term=

[smirkymonkey]

1. I knew this was The Onion!

Still, not a bad idea. I would love to see all these idiots as high as kites. I am sure it would be an improvement.

[ooky]

2. Hilarious.

[lunatica]

3. He died with his signature smile

Just like he lived.

[Heartstrings]

4. "Overcome by a euphoric, floating feeling...

followed by an insatiable desire for Keebler cookies!

[LuvNewcastle]

5. We'd all be better off if Sessions and Trump were stoners.

Maybe one day we’ll have a President who partakes. One can dream.

[certainot]

6. i don't think there's any question...