A family member of mine is texting us memes making fun of disabled children

[jes06c]

This came out of the blue yesterday. A family member sent me a meme photo of a young child with Down's syndrome with an insulting, and frankly dehumanizing caption. About five minutes later she sent a follow up text asking what I thought. It's been over 24 hours and I still haven't responded. This is what we've come to.

My wife is a special education teacher, so at first I thought maybe she meant it as a dig against her. I found out earlier today that she sent the same photo to a few other family members, so it probably wasn't meant for my wife (thankfully she had the good sense not to text the photo to my wife).

This family member has become increasingly bigoted over the years, and she's become increasingly right wing, at least when it comes to foreign policy and immigration. It started with Islamophobia, and then she began having issues with African Americans. And now she's making fun of a child with Down's syndrome. By the way, the boy in the photo looks like he's about ten years old. They're called deplorables for a reason.

[radical noodle]

1. Reply back with exactly how you feel

We all need to step up our game in calling out this sort of thing.

BTW, I have seen things like that which are meant to get support for the child, so don't assume anything about the family member until they show their true colors. If this person is churchy, say the kid is "a child of God." That should cool them down.

[jes06c]

8. I know the kind of thing you're talking about

This wasn't anything like that.

[radical noodle]

62. Then let them have it

Shame them. Not that it will do any good.

[TheBlackAdder]

50. What's interesting is this person followed up for a comment--knowing it would provoke emotions.

[scarletwoman]

2. Why aren't you confronting the person who sent the offensive material instead of

posting about it here?

Are you trying to protect the delicate feelings of the "family member" who sent such crap? Why?

[mahina]

14. Looking for ideas and support in next steps is

Likely why he posted. We’re here for that.

We’re all already stressed out. I try not to make it worse.

The first response was super useful I thought.

For me anyway.

[TheBlackAdder]

48. If marginal with Photoshop or Paint: A Human Centipede - Putin, Trump, Hannity and this fellow.

[mahina]

63. +1

[canetoad]

3. Go for it.

Tell them to fuck off and die. Scumbags. You may quote me.

[liberalmuse]

4. Is this an adult, or a middle school mean girl?

How old is this person? If this is an adult, she’s a piece of shit. If this is a child, she needs to learn how to be kind by example from the adults in her life. The people I’ve met with Downs Syndrome are some of the most beautiful, loving souls who lack malice. She could learn something from them.

[jes06c]

7. She turns 31 in August

[Tipperary]

76. The name of the disorder is "Down Syndrome," not Down's.

It is a common mistake, but it is important to get this right.

[liberalmuse]

78. Thank you.

I appreciate your letting me know so I could fix it!

[Laffy Kat]

5. Wow, that's hard when it's a family member.

Maybe a short reply to her simply saying you're disappointed that she would think you'd find such a thing funny.

[bornfree17]

27. I hope

The op takes your advice. I find this heart breaking

[bornfree17]

38. Thank you

It's an unforgiving drug

[TheBlackAdder]

49. Memes are the best way to go. It hits home with millennials more. A meme with a short FOAD note.

[Kajun Gal]

77. I agree.

[JI7]

6. tell them what a piece of shit they are and how much of a loser they must be

to put down others in order to feel better about themselves.

[bedazzled]

9. i would tell her i will delete her texts now

never reading them. if she has something important to say to me, not involving mocking disabled children, she should have another family member send it, as hers will never be openef

[avebury]

31. Forget deleting he4 texts,

I would go directly to blocking her tweets (and any social media accounts like Facebook after telling her what you think. If people would stand up to people like her and shut her out, she would find her bigot platform shrinking.

[Bluesaph]

10. This happened to me with my own mother

She was spreading the shit about Michelle Obama being a man.

I told her off. She never knew what hit her and she now knows never to say shit like that again.

My grandkids are half black. I don’t mess around!

[renate]

13. honestly, I don't know how people cope with close family members who say these things

It must be so incredibly difficult to deal with people you love but who say things like the OP's cousin says. I'm glad your mother is respecting your boundaries--simply following the most elemental rules of common decency. The same can't be said of everyone, these days.

[SWBTATTReg]

30. I found that family members often times are the worst in doing things like this. Call them out ...

on it. It's wrong, period. I grew up disabled and they didn't figure it out until I was 9 years old (massive hearing loss in 1950s-60s) so I have heard my share of this garbage.

No excuse, no allowance for age (if they're intelligent enough to write/send/receive emails, then they can handle your / others' negative responses to their so called joke (or whatever you call it)).

Perhaps they did it w/o thinking truly about the consequences of their actions (seems like people in their 30s or so still act like irresponsible kids as their parents shepherd / shelter kids too much).

Every instance of this garbage should be countered and stopped in its tracks. You never know if someday you'll be disabled due to a car accident, or something else, god forbid. Also, one day, their 'joke' is going to seriously backlash on them should it get the attention of a person who is truly offended and goes off on them. So in a way, you're preventing a negative situation from getting worse.

Good luck.

[Duppers]

72. Frankly, it's most difficult for me to love...

Anyone with such attitudes, family or not. Hubs and I have "divorced" family members.

Compassion trumps blood in our home.

[RockRaven]

11. Almost nobody has enough family members that they can be cavalier about cutting ties with them...

but that doesn't mean one cannot opt out after thoughtful consideration. Regardless of the particular flavor of their inappropriate behavior -- racism, bigotry, substance abuse, criminality, cruelty, whatever.

I'm probably-permanently estranged from a handful of family members because of how they behave. I don't want people like that in my life, regardless of blood relationships. And it isn't always a one-way decision -- my discomfort/intolerance with what they do/how they are makes me someone some of them don't really want to be around either. There's no reason for either party to pretend otherwise.

In my experience this sort of cruel right wing derangement is progressive and even when it plateaus it is still noxious enough as to be terminal to relationships with anyone who doesn't entirely buy-in to the same. Not only bigoted and cruel, but eventually intolerant of anyone who is not similarly bigoted and cruel.

[lunasun]

12. You thought it would only be Muslims or blacks ....

[Heidi]

15. Four words: "I don't get it."

That's all it took to put a stop to similarly mean-spirited crap being e-mailed and texted to me by a family member. It put the person in the position of having to think about how/why that sh!t was supposed to be "funny." Cutting her out of my life wouldn't change her way of thinking, but thinking through it might change her mind.

If she's pushing you for a response, I'd just text back something along the lines of, "I think the image insults and dehumanizes people with Down Syndrome."

[Phentex]

37. I like this idea...

As a next step. It would be interesting to see how they respond and it might just teach them a lesson.

[Heidi]

47. Good morning, Phentex!

Happy Friday!

[Phentex]

70. Howdy!

Good afternoon! Or as we say in the south...

[Kajun Gal]

79. I think the four words are the best. And if they explain say "I still don't understand".

Keep making them explain until they realize how stupid the meme is and run out of data minutes!

[aeromanKC]

16. You are disowned from this part of the family

Do not contact us again.

[avebury]

33. This. mt

[GoneOffShore]

17. Maybe send her the Martin Niemoller quote, with context

"First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—Because I was not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me."
I use that sometimes and occasionally paraphrase it.

[KY_EnviroGuy]

18. Just simply ask her....

How would she feel if that child was hers?

Then, tell her you care very much for children with disabilities and don't under any circumstance send you sadistic things like that again.

And yes, sadistic is an appropriate word and I would highlight it (just to be sure, I checked Wiktionary):

sadistic

1. Delighting in or feeling pleasure from the pain or humiliation of others.
2. Of behavior which gives pleasure in the pain or humiliation of others.
3. (colloquial) Causing a high degree of pain or humiliation.

Good luck and thanks for sharing - it hurts like hell, especially when it's family..... .....

[rpannier]

19. If you know of anytime that she was completely humiliated or embarrassed, text her

'About as funny as the time you did _______. Wasn't that a riot?!'

[vlyons]

20. There's something wrong with your family member

People who are mentally well don't need or want to tear down and dehumanize other people, especially a Downs syndrome child. So for starters, she has inferiority feelings of her own if she needs to tear down others to make herself feel better. Secondly, her behavior is inappropriate and offensive, so that means that she is out of syntony and out of relations with other people. She is unconscious about her effect on others. You need to tell her to never ever again send you such a disgusting email, and that you now think much much less of her morals and mental wellness for doing so. I would also tell her to see a therapist about her own mental health issues, self-loathing and the hatred in her heart. Lastly, I would block her messages in my email program. You don't need this type of garbage in your life.

[eShirl]

21. Ask her if she also sent it to Sarah Palin.

[Squinch]

22. I would say this:

What do I THINK? I think this is dehumanizing cruelty towards an innocent person, and I think it must be the product of a sick mind Why in the world are you spreading it around??

[Sherman A1]

23. I would suggest that

Your current lack of response and continued lack of response should give them all the answer they need. I would further suggest that you may consider blocking their number if this continues.

Years ago I had the wife of a cousin who never found an email "joke" that she could not forward to her entire list of contacts which included me. Very few were humorous and most were exceptionally mean spirited. I eventually simply blocked her email and my cousin's as well to avoid her nonsense and any responses that I might get CC'ed on through him.

Life is too short to put up with this silly nonsense and you are not going to change them by confronting them.

[Drahthaardogs]

24. You shame them. You tell them that they should get on their knees

And thank God, Allah, Mitra, or whatever they worship that they were born healthy and pray that any children they have are spared this disease. Then tell them they just diminished themselves in your eyes. That making fun of disabled children is cruel and in no way funny.

[Tipperary]

34. Excellent response.

[Louis1895]

25. Is texting back the appropriate response?

Maybe you should call her and have a heart to heart talk. It takes more courage and strength but you might have a bigger impact if you can keep calm and rational while explaining all the points brought up in this discussion thread.

[jberryhill]

26. Do you have any need of this person in your life?

I started getting weird and bigoted rightwing crap from the classic "crazy uncle". After polite requests to the effect that I was not interested in his prejudices (and those of a cousin), I just auto-trashed his email address. Haven't had any contact in years, and I don't feel like I'm missing anything.

[jambo101]

28. I'd ignore the woman

Shes obviously been taken by the dark side ,her comments are not worthy of response. My brother was an easy going guy until he was taken by the madness of rightwing attitudes some 10 years ago ,now he hates everything which is a shame because until his change we were good buddies but now he views me as a communist from the nanny state to the north (Canada) Needless to say we dont talk much any more

[ret5hd]

43. Yeah...just like you did here! Jolly good for you, following your own advice and all that!

Have another drink...it makes the stupid hurt less.

[hatrack]

46. GREAT username choice!

[happy feet]

55. +1

[cwydro]

58. Oh snap.

[hatrack]

59. Thanks for confirming that you don't know shit . . .

Last edited Fri Jun 8, 2018, 01:43 PM - Edit history (1)

It was inspired by the H.L. Mencken short story "Hatrack", published in the American Mercury back in the 1920s as a test case for obscenity in literature and freedom of speech.

But you go right on ahead, and have a fabulous choady-trolly day!

[Tipperary]

66. To be fair, you started the insult about user names. It was unnecessary.

Just sayin’.

[hatrack]

74. I generally try not to jump down the throats of people asking for advice

YMMV.

[backtoblue]

67. I sometimes like to drink in the afternoon...

[marble falls]

68. Nobody like a mean drunk. Not even other drunks.

[xmas74]

54. Or maybe posting is a way to anonymously

Work out a decent response without becoming too emotional in a situation that could easily spin out of control?

Sometimes people need sounding boards. Forums have become those sounding boards. They can express their anger and disappointment here in plain words and find help in ways to direct a discussion with the person without it turning into a nasty yelling match.

Family is always hard to confront. Sometimes you need someone not apart of the equation to help steer in the proper direction of whether or not a discussion is worthwhile.

[nolabear]

64. What a cruel response.

What on earth are you thinking?

[Tipperary]

32. Why have you not yet answered?

Perhaps remind her that Palin has a family member with Down Syndrome, which is, btw, the name of the disorder. Not “Down’s.” Common mistake.

[Croney]

35. Thirty years ago, my 65-year-old mother married

a younger man, who used the n-word because he was brought up that way and nobody challenged him. They thought we didn't mean it when we said there would be no visits from us, or any grandkids, until he stopped. We did mean it.

Now my mother is 95, he is 84, and we see them as often as possible. He just needed help in seeing that what he was doing was wrong.

[MFM008]

36. I would have handled it

Immediately.

[cwydro]

60. This. nt

[Raven123]

39. I think you said it perfectly. Tell her that her act was DEPLORABLE.

I don't know if she sent this to see if you agree with her or because she knows you do not agree with her. That itself is disconcerting. if it were sent to me, I would make sure the sender knows where I stand. One way would be simply to respond with " what a deplorable act. Whoevever sent this to you has a problem."

[Vinca]

40. Let her have it. There's no room for that in a civilized society.

Family is overrated, especially when they're bigots and idiots. Coddle this crap and it will continue to grow. Odd she chose this particular time for that particular bit of nastiness since Gerber just announced their new spokesbaby, a Down child, who is as adorable as they come.

[Funtatlaguy]

41. Sociopathic behavior.

Not redeemable or forgivable.

[gordianot]

42. We have had similar problems in our family ending in physical threats. Consider the motivation.

1. They want you to give in.
2 Being relatives they think you value their existence.
3. Some time in the past they manipulated you and got by with it.

In final consideration before it comes to threats get rid of them you will feel better. Tell them what you think do not fall for a give and take conversation. Put an end to it.

[hatrack]

44. Sample response: "What the FUCK is wrong with you?!!??"

Sample response #2: "Don't bother contacting me again."

YMMV

[workinclasszero]

51. Bingo

Life is too short to waste breath on deplorable assholes that make fun of the disabled be it a relative or a pResdent!

[samnsara]

45. Text that you dont know whats more disgusting... the cartoon...

...or that someone actually forwarded it.

[xmas74]

53. Tell her how you're disgusted you are

By the meme and how disappointing it is she shared it.

[Initech]

56. I would have told them to fuck off with that shit before it started.

One of my dad's friends sent this extremely horrible anti trans joke one time a couple of years ago and I told them i didn't want to see that crap again and they were respectful of it. It wasn't easy to do but it was the right thing to do.

[Tavarious Jackson]

57. I had a cousin who did something similar.

I family shamed that person and blocked. I had to. I also posted on my page that if anyone else I knew wanted to defend her they could disown me or be disowned, I didn't care.

[AJT]

61. I would email a response saying you don't know who they are,

that they must have the wrong email address and to please stop sending email and then set up your email to send her stuff to the spam folder. If you see her at family functions totally ignore her, if she tries to talk directly to you just pretend she isn't there.

[radius777]

65. Reply that you don't approve of bigotry

of any kind, and urge her to examine the privileges she has relative to those she disdains. Maybe include this quote:

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandhi

IOW, try to appeal to her better side first.

If that doesn't work maybe talk to her parents.

If that doesn't work then start blocking her texts/calls etc.

[appalachiablue]

69. "There but for the grace of God go I"

[Blue_true]

71. If I were you, I would peel the skin off her ass with a reply.

Start by saying that what she sent is vile and disgusting. Explain that ONE accident can leave a child of hers disabled for life - there is no certainty that won't happen. Lastly, tell her to NEVER send you anything like that ever again.

Personal note: I have a nephew that was disabled for life in a car accident. He was a man, but now has the mental capacity of a six year old and has myriad physical issues that will never get fixed. I saw a young woman a few months who was disabled for life, she looked like a late teen, I didn't ask the parent what happened, but my guess is auto accident based upon how the kid looked physically.

[Ilsa]

73. If they are religious, tell them God may decide to give them disabled grandchildren.

(Although I don't believe in such a thing.)

And quote them:

Luke 18:16-17.
But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.

If they are not religious, tell them how ashamed you are of them and their bullying behavior. They need new assholes ripped.

[LAS14]

75. Were the comments hers, or attached to the meme? If the latter...

... you could respond as if it were sent in the spirit of "Isn't this horrible?" Like Oh, my God! Who would ever send such a thing??? CC all the relatives. Shame her into adopting better behavior.

If the demeaning comments were hers, then silence.

[Ferrets are Cool]

80. I told mine not to send anymore idiotic stuff to me and then shut them off...

haven't regretted a moment of it. Of course, I was respectful.

[pnwmom]

81. IF she happens to consider herself a Christian, you could say,

"I thought about what Jesus would say, if someone ever showed this hurtful picture to him.

'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.' (Matthew 25:40)