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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsThis Old Man's Advice About Dealing With Death...
https://wokesloth.com/old-man-advice-about-dealing-with-death-anthony-bourdain-kate-spade/distributor/This Old Mans Advice About Dealing With Death Has Been Called The Best Internet Comment Of All Time
by Stephanie Harrison
snip//
The original post, brief and bleak, was a cry for help on Reddits r/Assistance board. It read: My friend just died. I dont know what to do. An old man responded, painting a vivid picture of loss, grief, and recovery thats somehow both heartbreaking and inspirational:
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I dont want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I dont want it to not matter. I dont want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who cant see.
As for grief, youll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, youre drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe its some physical thing. Maybe its a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe its a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and dont even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, youll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know whats going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and its different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at OHare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but youll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you dont really want them to. But you learn that youll survive them. And other waves will come. And youll survive them too. If youre lucky, youll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
Be sure to reach out to those around you, people youre close to and people youre not. People who you worry about and people you dont. Small gestures can have big effects and if you or someone you know is thinking or talking about suicide please take the time to talk to them about it. Help them get the help they need. The Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
lunatica
(53,410 posts)Atticus
(15,124 posts)IADEMO2004
(5,554 posts)CaliforniaPeggy
(149,620 posts)lpbk2713
(42,757 posts)And I admire you greatly for it.
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,620 posts)uponit7771
(90,339 posts)smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)It is very poignant and lovely. I am bookmarking this for future reference.
BlancheSplanchnik
(20,219 posts)Thanks, sister.
BadgerMom
(2,771 posts)I, too, bookmarked this. Ive never before seen it. The wave analogy is spot on.
backtoblue
(11,343 posts)Hamlette
(15,412 posts)My sister noticed my mom got a new address book (before cell phones) and said; "Mom, this is so small". Mom replied "at my age, all that is left is stems and seeds."
woundedkarma
(498 posts)And true from experience.
It's been a year since I lost my dad and a few since I lost my mom and 20 since I lost my brother. Here comes another wave.
What it doesn't mention is sometimes the waves come for you... and it's your grief for your self or someone else who isn't even gone yet. Those ones just get bigger every time.
colsohlibgal
(5,275 posts)I was extremely close to my paternal grandparents they were essentially parent unit 2 my Dad was on only child so my Sister and I were their only grandchildren.
My Grandmother died in her early 70s of a blood disease and I still miss her deeply, so yes the waves do never completely stop.