To Every Anthony

[babylonsister]

https://johnpavlovitz.com/2018/06/08/to-every-anthony/?utm_campaign=coschedule&utm_source=facebook_page&utm_medium=John%20Pavlovitz

To Every Anthony
June 8, 2018 / John Pavlovitz

When I heard the news about Anthony Bourdain’s passing, I felt the same disbelief that millions of people did, that maybe you did: the shock and sadness, and the staggering tragedy of it all.

I asked the same question that you may be asking: How could someone so loved, so beloved, so admired, so talented, so meaningful to so many; weigh the joys and the struggles of this life and decide that it wasn’t worth sticking around for?

This is what mental illness and depression and addiction all do in different ways. They obscure the light.

Seeing the outpouring of heartbreak and gratitude filling social media, and the fresh wave of grief flowing through the world today, my thoughts turned to my childhood best friend Terry. Terry and I spent our pre-teen days swimming, romping through the woods, eating entire pizzas, and calling late night DJ’s to play our favorite songs. We were brothers by something other than blood; by choice.

I remember hearing the news that Terry had committed suicide. I was working in a frame shop during my college years, and I had called home to talk to my family, when my mom told me that he was gone. Just like that—gone.

I felt my stomach turn and my heart sink as I sped backwards through the movie of our lives together, saw how much we did and shared, and thought about how much Terry meant to me.

And then I just felt pissed-off.

I was pissed off at the waste and the abruptness of it all—but mostly because I wasn’t sure Terry knew how important he was to me, and if that might have made a difference.

When someone leaves the world, they leave a void; a massive, gaping hole which they alone filled with their once-in-a-history, never-to-be-repeated combination of humor, anger, intelligence, wit, flaws, beauty, and dreams.

And it’s a hole that becomes an open wound for those of us who remain here, one that can never close completely because every single person is irreplaceable.

I was fiercely angry at Terry for leaving, and even angrier that he wasn’t here to know the depth of my love for him now; that he wasn’t able to hang on long enough to see how far the ripples of his life traveled, and how much his living meant to all of us in this place.

The sad thing is for Terry and for Anthony (and for most of us) is that people usually only express this stuff after it’s too late.

The twisted irony here is that the very words of effusive love that just might keep people alive for a little longer, are words we save for after they’re dead.

I think we should give people living eulogies.

I wish we would all stop and take the brief seconds it would require to pay tribute to our loved ones and heroes while they’re alive. Truthfully, it might not make a difference to someone who is deeply depressed or struggling with mental illness and in the throes of addiction. It may not be enough to tip the scales toward Life for them—but it’s a chance worth taking. It’s worth saying everything.

If you’re out there reading this and you’re hopeless; if you feel that there is no point to this life, no value to your own, no reason to keep going—please understand that you are Anthony Bourdain to someone. There would be a void in their lives if you left.

Look around today at the sadness of the world, the way humanity is grieving, maybe even look at your own sense of loss in his absence—and realize that this is what you’ll be leaving behind if you walk away.

You may never reach the heights of fame that he had.
You may never have the accolades of Presidents and celebrities.
You may never get worldwide tributes or magazine covers.
You may never be a household name across the planet—but you are a household name to someone.

And you will leave the same un-fillable hole in this world that only you occupy.

There will be the same devastation for those who know and love you (which I assure you, is far more than you can see from where you’re standing).
There will be the same wave of despair moving through the places your life has touched.
There will be the same horribly sad reality, that this world just isn’t as grand and beautiful and funny and full as it was with you in it.

Again, these words may not fixed what feels broken or be bigger than the things assailing you, but they may provide you reason to keep going, to call someone, to seek treatment, to ask for help, to give yourself a moment to breathe, to sleep on this desperation and see if you feel differently in the morning. Maybe hope will be waiting with the sunrise.

We’re all fighting our internal battles and invisible demons and concealed illnesses. Some of us are just better at hiding how hard we’re working to keep living in the face of them—which puts us in harm’s way. People may not realize we really need to hear a dissenting voice than the one in our heads.

I wish Anthony had known how loved he was. Maybe he would have stayed.
I wish my friend Terry knew how loved he was. Maybe he did would have stayed.

I want you to know how loved you are.

Maybe you’ll stay.

[CTyankee]

1. I am so, so sorry for your loss of Terry. I think I have an idea of what your are going through...

I lost my beloved former sister in law, Daisy, to alcoholism several years ago. Everyone loved Daisy. She was funny and sweet. She was a great mom and her kids are terrific. Even tho i was divorced from her brother she was my steadfast friend to the end.

I grieved and grieved and grieved over her death. I wrote in my personal journal about my memories almost daily.

Then, I decided I had grieved enough and that Daisy would not have wanted me to do this. I snapped to it and decided that it was enough that her kids were here in my life and I was able to see them once a year at Thanksgiving.

Family love can be so rewarding.

[JI7]

2. I think bourdain was upset seeing his girlfriend with another guy

He probably already had depression which set off such an extreme reaction . Plus he was very much in love with her.

Those who know him say his mood changed around the time the pics with his girlfriend with another guy were shown.

[SammyWinstonJack]

5. If true, how sad for his daughter.

[BigmanPigman]

6. Do you have a reference for

this info? I haven't heard this but I could see this happening if that were the case.

[Trek4Truth]

7. Of course this is just speculation but you can see the photos later down the

reddit thread of them displaying affection.

https://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/8plyh3/asia_argento_was_cheating_on_anthony_bourdain/

[Trek4Truth]

8. To me with what we know now it looks like that is exactly what happened. Where did you

hear about the those who know him say his mood changed?

[JI7]

11. can't point to specifics right now

but it's something i read/heard among many things i looked at. it could just be comments from others also. if i find something again i will link it.

but my thoughts on Bourdain's own feelings have more to do with what i have heard him say and do since he had been with Asia . he was very open and public about his feelings with her in a way he hasn't been in previous relationships.

i don't know if things would be different if the relationship had been more private and people had not seen the things he said about her .

[JI7]

14. here is one link which has comments from his mother and friend

https://people.com/food/anthony-bourdain-mother-speaks-out-he-had-dark-mood-before-suicide/

[Trek4Truth]

15. Read this article from People and it will explain everything.

https://people.com/food/anthony-bourdain-responsibility-to-live-for-daughter-people-interview/

[madaboutharry]

3. Thank you for sharing this article.

It is very beautifully written.

And it is so true. There is someone in our lives to whom we are the whole world.

[flying_wahini]

4. Great post. Thanks Babylon sister!

I might add that people need to just open their hearts and mouths when the occasion comes by.
Don't wait till people are too sick to listen what you should say out loud. All we have is

Today.

[Honeycombe8]

9. Not sure I agree with this.

He says that maybe Anthony would have stayed if he had known how loved he was. I think he knew. He had a young daughter who no doubt loved him. The mother of his child and Anthony went back years...she no doubt still had love for him. He had close friends.

The author assumes that everyone has what so many others have: people who love them. Some people don't. And some have very few. Some people are really not missed, but should be.

Homeless people die every day, many of whom have no one to care about them. Many elderly pass away in institutions with no one to bury them. Some teens run away from abusive families who don't care for them; if those teens die on the streets, there are few who can be said to love them. There are some with estranged families and a few casual friends, but no one to love or to love them, really.

I remember reading about the saddest suicide case I've ever heard of. This woman quit or lost her job. Time went by. About 5 years later police found her in her garage, in her car, dead and mummified. No one apparently noticed before because she had her bills set on automatic payment, and the neighbors started mowing her lawn (I guess thinking she was just not caring for it properly or thinking she was out of town - she had traveled a lot in her job). She was found after her home was foreclosed on (her account had run out of money for the automatic payments). How sad, how lonely and alone she must have been. The authorities couldn't say how she'd died because of the body's condition. They didn't think it was car asphyxiation because there were a couple of gallons of fuel still in the car. It's a true mystery, I suppose. She was found in the back seat behind the driver's seat, dressed in a jacket, top and jeans. Frozen into the seat, inside of car covered in cobwebs. There was a half empty bottle of wine laying by her...no fingerprints on it. She had come from a large, possibly dysfunctional family, whose members she didn't have much contact with, apparently. She was ordinarily very neat, but her house was found trashed, clothing and debris strewn around, her pets left abandoned in her house (they were rescued years earlier, after neighbors called police to check on the place...but apparently no one checked the garage). The garage was checked later, after it was foreclosed, and amazingly, the guy who checked the vehicle didn't notice her in the back seat! Very sad. It seems to me it was a planned suicide. She'd tried years earlier to get her mail to stop, and did some other things. There truly was no one who missed her absence. Such a tragic story.

[BigmanPigman]

10. Well said.

[Uncle Joe]

13. That's true too.

[Uncle Joe]

12. Kicked and recommended.

Thanks for the thread babylonsister.