Jim Bakker: A Packet Of My Coffee Will Get You A New Car When The End Times Come

[Initech]

End Times prepper pastor Jim Bakker dedicated his entire television program today to pitching his new line of survival coffee, telling his audience that things will get so desperate when the Last Days arrive that those who are prepared will be able to get a new car in exchange for one packet of this coffee.

Citing the passage in the Bible in which Joseph was put in charge of Pharaoh’s palace in order to prepare for a coming famine, Bakker reiterated his claim that God made Donald Trump president in order to give Christians an opportunity to prepare for the End Times … by buying Bakker’s survival products.

“God has spoken to us to prepare for what’s coming,” he said. “I believe Donald Trump was given by God to give us a respite and give us a time of prosperity. Do you think the evil Antichrist spirit is sitting back? They’re fighting tooth and toenail. Their fighting the president, they want to kill him and, believe me, if they get one open shot, someone will kill our president.”

When the End Times arrive, Bakker said, a bucket of coffee is going to be worth its weight in gold.

“What do you think that is worth if the sun don’t shine?” he asked. “What will it be worth if the power goes out and there’s no truck’s running [due to an] EMP bomb or whatever they’re talking about for these Last Day events? This two gallon bucket of packs of coffee, you could trade them for whatsoever you want. You could probably get a new car for one packet of coffee.”
http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/jim-bakker-a-packet-of-my-coffee-will-get-you-a-new-car-when-the-end-times-come/

You get a car! You get a car! And you get a car! Everybody gets a car! Everybody gets a car!

[Sherman A1]

1. Pardon me for a moment

[Miles Archer]

2. "The best part of waking up, is Jim Bakker in your cup"

Context, for the young 'uns:

[spanone]

3. put this grifting asshole back in prison

[safeinOhio]

4. How many coffee bags will

it cost to get a Jessica Hahn?

[Blue_true]

17. His type.

Likely think young women will be falling over each other to get loaded up with his old dog seed. Afterall, he talks to God, he's special. WHO believes such shit??????

[Vinca]

5. They've got me all confused. I thought the point of the "End Times" was for them to go to heaven

and the rest of us evil beings to remain on the earth consuming all the coffee and driving all the cars.

[Blue_true]

19. They don't care.

Their heads are so far up their asses that it would take a mule team a million years to pull their heads out.

[Floyd R. Turbo]

6. Good to the last drop!

[Generic Other]

7. My scenario:

"Look Ma, this coffee is gold." Bubba scratches his belly. "I traded some for a car."
"Did you get any gas?"
"No, that road kill possum you cooked last night didn't bother my gut none."
"You aint too bright, are ya boy?"
"By the way, I can't get this 666 off my head."

on edit: never google "People with 666 tattooed on their heads." They are Bakker's base. And kinda scary.

[Gothmog]

8. This man is a grifter

[Generic Other]

10. I think the mark of the beast is $$$

and he's already wearing that.

[haele]

9. Yes, but if civilization falls, there will be no gasoline to run that new car.

Gasoline goes bad after a couple months without some serious stabilizers, and even then, that only extends the lifetime of gas in a regular tank a few more months.
If you're lucky and are the only person with access to a deserted service station, you'll be able to go maybe as long as a year on that old gas sitting at service station tanks before your brand new engine is totally trashed with contaminated gas, even if you're still able to rig up a pump to get it in your tank and only be driving occasionally. Diesel and propane last somewhat longer - about a year, but not much longer

Nor would there be any electricity - unless you have a crapload of liberal solar cells or wind turbines to provide it.

So once you trade that bucket of coffee for a new off the showroom floor 'Vette or camper van, you're probably going to have to hitch up your family to move that brand new car to where you want it to go.
Unless you're lucky enough to have a real draft animal to pull it.
Personally, in a post-apocalyptic survival situation, I'd be looking for a 1970's conversion van or small trailer, gut the hell out of it, raise the axels and fix up the wheels to prevent blow-outs, put up some solar panels and a converter for a quality marine battery - and get a pair of Clydesdales or beefy cow and bull pair to pull it around as a tinker's wagon/carter with an on-board fix-it shop for what's left my neighborhood.
Still included. Alcohol will be a better trading commodity than a can of coffee would. Most people, even "rural folks", have never cracked open any sort of survival book, and don't have clue one on what to do when the lights and the TV don't come on anymore.

Religious whakka-nut-jobs looking to kill off every single human being they can't exploit anymore until they are the last ones starving in a ditch. Whatever these idiots are smoking, I don't want any.

Haele

[Generic Other]

13. They are planning to hitch us to the cars

They watch a lot of zombie apocalypse shows. And those dang prepper shows. 3.7 million preppers.

But hold your human horses, here!

When Mr. Trump won, “sales started a downward decline,” Mr. Allbee said. “In short summary, what we understand is when the left is in power, the right panics.”

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/11/business/prepper-survivalism-north-korea.html

So, I guess we are breaking poor Bakker's heart just by not being in power. All those buckets of coffee and no customers? That's pretty funny. Next week: he'll be offering a time share in a bunker along with the coffee.

[Blue_true]

23. They think they are special.

They aren't. To use a MineralMan image coupled with my commentary. If the Sun explodes, once we get the warning that it has, ALL OF US (you too xians), should use the remaining 3 seconds of our existence to double over and kiss our asses goodbye.

[3catwoman3]

11. Why would someone who is going to be...

...raptured need a car of any kind, new or old?

[Generic Other]

15. They have to suffer trials and tribulations first

In other words the moon bleeds, famine and drought, a white heifer in Jerusalem, testing of faith with the 666 rule...if you stay pure you rapture. It is a test because the Bible says 144,000 will be saved. That is a relatively small number thus the competition to prove oneself more holy than thou. And all those ones who believe in proserity doctrines believe their wealth has bought them one of the coveted spots as the elect. They don't want to blow it all over the temptation to drink coffee.

[3catwoman3]

32. Can't whoever just take those 144,000 now, and leave...

...the rest of us alone? I would be happy to be "left behind."

[Generic Other]

43. They were predestined

This is why they have "grace" and a "get out of jail free card." It is hard to imagine what doctrine one must bend to make a place for Trump. Now, I enjoy an underdog story with lots of twists where a sinner is redeemed, but bookmakers in Vegas are saying the odds are pretty good that he rots in hell instead.

[Blue_true]

24. Arrive there in style? Who knows, it may be a first come, first serve deal. nt

[The Genealogist]

12. Grifty McGrifterson probably makes a fortune on these food tubs

I'm guessing you can make your own for a fraction of the cost. But his kookachoo followers probably fall all over themselves to get their hands on one.

[Blue_true]

14. Oh, I hoop in my new car and go pick up some ice cream, it's only end times, what can go wrong? nt

[Initech]

18. He'd better have something to power those cars!

Because in the apocalypse, our gas will be contaminated and electricity won't be operational! So how are those cars going to work exactly, Jim?

[Blue_true]

25. You're right. The people that think they can somehow survive in total chaos just make me roar

laughing.

[Initech]

28. I love poking holes in doomsday prepper arguments!

[tavernier]

20. Give the devil his due.

There will be people out there who will actually buy this.

[Blue_true]

26. There is at least one fool born everyday. nt

Jimmy is counting on a lot more being born.

[Initech]

46. I'm sure PT Barnum had the Trumplodytes in mind when he said that.

[smirkymonkey]

22. Anybody stupid enough to fall for this con-artist deserves to get

screwed over. I can't believe that anybody really buys into this insanity.

[Blue_true]

29. Look at him. In an expensive suit, paying for his own tv show.

There are a lot of fools out there buying into his shit. He doesn't care how badly he rips them off when they do.

[Donkees]

27. Chock Full Of Nuts

[Freddie]

30. There will be end times!

If I can't get coffee ☕️ in the AM.
This stuff better not be that burned Starbucks swill.

[sakabatou]

31. Another stunt to rip people off.

[GulfCoast66]

33. I'll stick with my bourbon.

[milestogo]

34. What do we need cars for after the rapture?

[Initech]

35. Oh you haven't seen Mad Max? There's plenty of off roading in the apocalypse!

[Takket]

36. "a fool and his money are soon parted"

[peekaloo]

37. He's like a bible thumpin' Angel from 'The Rockford Files' .

I tell ya Jimmy........

[CanonRay]

38. If it's the end times

What the fuck do you need a car for?

[NickB79]

39. If an EMP takes out all the trucks, how the hell are cars going to run?

If the shit really were about to hit the fan, stock up on some ammo. A few bullets and a dead Bakker follower later, and you'll have all the coffee he had.

Also, does it strike anyone how un-Christian this obsession with worldly possessions right up to Armageddon is?

[brooklynite]

40. ..and the gasoline is coming from.....?

[dflprincess]

41. Someone needs to explain to Bakker that no one wants to see Trump dead

Last edited Tue Jul 3, 2018, 12:00 PM - Edit history (1)

(from above "Their (sic) fighting the president, they want to kill him and, believe me, if they get one open shot, someone will kill our president.&quot

when it would be ever so much more satisfying to see him wearing an orange jump suit (that clashes with his complexion), in chains, being led from a courtroom. I get misty eyed just dreaming of that.

[Initech]

42. McConnell, Pence, Gorsuch, and Loesch can take the perp walk with him.

[Bettie]

44. I thought they were all getting raptured away

so they won't need any fucking coffee.

[Algernon Moncrieff]

45. Ah yes - the preppers

Buy gold. Buy dried food. We like our neighbors, but we know we will be forced to kill them to defend this Spam and these MREs when the time comes.

These people are secretly dying for the economy to collapse so they can tell everyone "I told you so!" Ditto their cousins, the survivalists.