Woodchucks join the resistance and eat Paul Ryan's car

[babylonsister]

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/jul/13/paul-ryan-woodchucks-eat-car?CMP=fb_us

Woodchucks join the resistance and eat Paul Ryan's car
The Republican House speaker has revealed that a family of hungry rodents has put his car out of commission
Arwa Mahdawi
Fri 13 Jul 2018 11.47 EDT
Last modified on Fri 13 Jul 2018 13.19 EDT


Woodchuck 1, Ryan 0


Please send your thoughts and Amtrak prayers for Paul Ryan as news emerges that his car has been devoured by a family of hungry woodchucks, a sharp-toothed member of the marmot family also known as a groundhog.

The vandalism took place while Ryan was in Washington, and had left his Chevy Suburban parked at his mother’s house in Wisconsin over the winter. A family of woodchucks made a home in the chassis and gnawed their way through the wiring. Ryan told an audience at the Economic Club of Washington on Thursday that he only discovered the pests when he took his car to a dealer to be checked. Ryan hasn’t actually driven the car for three years, as he has a security detail and is chauffeured around.

So do woodchucks normally destroy Suburbans, or were these particular rodents just angry about having their healthcare taken away? Well, the furry creatures do have a habit of criminal damage. The National Park Service website warns the public to protect their vehicles before going for a hike, noting that marmots “have been known to dine on radiator hoses and car wiring”. They’re apparently also fond of burrowing away into the engine compartment and hitching a ride with an unsuspecting driver.

In April, Ryan announced that he would not be running for re-election. In a final attempt to seem like an ordinary American, he told the audience he was going to buy a Ford truck to replace his rodent-destroyed car. One can only imagine he will use it to drive to a dealer and get himself a Porsche.

[In_The_Wind]

1. Try feeding 'em cantaloupe.

[Ilsa]

4. I don't get it. nt

[LuckyCharms]

2. They correctly assumed that Ryan was one of them...

and they were just giving him a housewarming party.

[Ilsa]

3. Aren't you supposed to sprinkle a bunch of cayenne pepper

On the wiring, tires, soft parts, etc? I would think that a quick spray of cooking oil would help it stick better.

[Gothmog]

5. Are Woodchucks Democrats?

[Hayduke Bomgarte]

6. My thoughts and prayers are

That the woodchucks get around to eating Lyin' Ryan...

[Cirque du So-What]

7. Nice marmot

#

[Greybnk48]

8. Woodchucks/Groundhogs hibernate in the winter.

So Lyin' Ryan is at it again. He probably thought it would make him seem more human.

It was more likely a chipmunk, mice, or a sewer rat from his social group. That is, if it even happened at all.

[eppur_se_muova]

9. Hmmm ... could it have been martens ?

https://jalopnik.com/how-cute-ferret-like-animals-cause-germany-65-million-1788013196

[ornotna]

11. Evil little creatures

One bit my finger.

But then again I was a 5 year old at the zoo and stuck my finger in the cage.

Learned a lesson there.

[TheBlackAdder]

10. Parked for three years, nested by woodchucks better now show up on its CarFax Report!

[Achilleaze]

12. If a woodchuck could chuck wood, would a woodchuck upchuck at

the realization that Ryan and the KGOP republicans are doing everything they can to undermine the investigation into the Evil Empire* that is actively waging ACTS OF WAR on the USA, and by supporting and collaborating with their misleader, Dirty Donny (Official republican Draft-Dodging Casino Hustler) who has intentionally weakened the USA as if in direct response to russian dictates.

* per ronald freaking reagan, for crying out loud.