Happy Flush Alex Jones Day, Everybody! (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I'm probably gonna regret saying this...I know we're nowhere near out of the woods yet, and I know things will probably get worse before they get better. Still, sifting through the usual shitstorm of madness today...is it my imagination or was there just a weeeeee bit more good news than bad?
One major asshole getting pegged to the wall at his much-anticipated trial. Another facing a long-overdue downfall. The NRA bleeding support and money. Our magnificent field of House and Senate candidates surging. (And for more on them, don't forget to check out Shower Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms: http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/)
Things aren't great, certainly. Things aren't normal, or even close to it. But things could be, and have been worse, so...looking around today's news...let's just say, I'll take it. (And as usual, you can find this post with all the links n’ shit, at: http://showercapblog.com/happy-flush-alex-jones-day-everybody/)
Anything interesting happen since we last talked? I see Government Cheese Goebbels openly confessed that his dipshit son tried to illegally conspire with agents of the Russian government to influence the 2016 election, that was a thin.
What really should've been headline news was that upon learning the President's campaign admitted to committing a serious fucking crime against the United States of America and her citizens, the Republican Party did precisely jack shit about it. Paul Ryan? Mitch McConnell? Totally down with colluding with a hostile foreign power against their own countrymen. Won't call a hearing, won't give a statement, won't even wave a tiny American flag around for a minute, such is their utter and complete lack of love of country.
In the aftermath of You-Bet I-Did-It-gate, I guess it was Trumpal Lawyer Jay Sekulow's turn to bumble around the Sunday Shoz belching up horsehit about how facts change sometimes if you feed them after midnight.
More like SekuLIE, amiright? AMIRIGHT?!?
Some reports claim Fat Q*Bert has grown concerned that his treasonous campaign may have gotten his rock-headed son into serious legal trouble, but that would imply that he's capable of normal human emotions, so I don't buy it.
“I'd pardon ya, son, but remember all those years you gave me coupons for Free Hugs for my birthday? You can rot in jail, you cheap shit!”
Hope Hicks, who is abso-fucking-lutely a key witness in God knows how many aspects of the Mueller investigation, took a ride with Il Douche aboard Air Force One to one of his little Klan rallies, and every voice in the right wing loonosphere who screeched endlessly about the Dread Clinton/Lynch Tarmac Meeting immediately applied the same standards to their own side, and obviously nobody's buying that but I already committed to the gag so you're just gonna have to ride out the rest of this sentence with me, aren't you, CUCK?
Anyway, Weehands McNodick, feeling down on account of the walls closing in on him and his shitty grifter family, decided to engage in one of his favorite hobbies: feebly assaulting successful black people, which he enjoys because he is as racist as he is insecure, which means holy shit he is super-duper racist.
This doddering old twerp wants to go after Don Lemon and LeBron James? LeBron James is the best on the motherfucking planet at what he does, and he's in the news these days for a breathtakingly inspirational act of charity. Meanwhile, President Crotchvoid is being sued for illegally misappropriating funds from his “charitable foundation,” and had to work out a special signal with General Kelly to make up an excuse to get him out of a meeting when his diaper fills up.
Donnie Dotard is so uncontrollably racist that he bucked the advice of everyone around him to endorse his old chum KKKris KKKobach in the tomorrow's GOP primary for the Kansas governor's race. Hey, what're you gonna do? They're both white supremacists grifters. Shit, if it turned out KKKris wants to fuck Ivanka, too, they'd practically be soulmates.
Even I can't figure out what the fuck is going on with the Bonespur Buttplug's California wildfire tweets. He seems to think...I dunno, that Jerry Brown is ordering hippies to hoard water in their bathtubs so firefighters can't fight fires? It's a miracle this man gets his pants on every day. A MIRACLE.
Has the Saudi Arabia/Canada war started yet? In a world with a Massive Void Reeking of Overdone Steak Farts where American leadership used to be, the Saudis feel comfortable responding to any criticism of their human rights abuses by expelling diplomats! And suspending trade and investments! And BANNING ALL DIRECT FLIGHTS TO CANADA. Anyway, we're at the “Tweeting threatening photos” stage already, and I have to confess I'm increasingly curious to see who ends up on which side in WWIII.
Mitch McConnell announced that he's running for re-election in 2020, and I for one am positively DELIGHTED that we'll get to take him out with the rest of the trash. Two years flailing ineffectively in the minority followed by a long-awaited electoral spanking seems like a fitting coda to Yertle's long America-wrecking career.
So I see Rand Paul took a little field trip...to Moscow. And he made some friends! Rand is such good friends with the Russians who lied to his face about interfering in the 2016 election, that he invited them to come over to our house sometime, for Hostess snack cakes and perhaps a rousing game of Exploding Kittens. Rumors are flying that Senator Paul offered help his new buds break Maria Butina out of prison if they'd agree to help him beat the living fuck out of his neighbor.
Speaking of Russia, they seem to have appointed Steven Seagal as a Special Envoy to the United States in the field of Nothing Matters Anymore So Why the Fuck Not We'll All Be Dead in A Hundred Years Anyway.
So. That was the bad news.
Now, for a refreshing change of pace, today it is my great pleasure introduce you to a special subsection of the ol’ blog:
Let's call it...BAD THINGS HAPPENING TO GARBAGE PEOPLE
Exhibit A: “DR.” SEBASTIAN GORKA!
Poor Seb! Even the propagandists at Fux Nooz won't invite him to spit up his fascist rantings on th’teevee. If times get too hard, you can always set up a booth where you let people punch you in the tummy for a dollar. People loooooooooove punchin’ Nazis!
Exhibit B: PRECOCIOUS PAUL MANAFORT!
Ukraine Paulie's old business partner Rick Gates took the stand this afternoon. The prosecutors asked:
“So Ricky. What would you and Paul do when you hung out? Would you bake cupcakes?”
"No.”
“Would you team up to try to beat Contra? Maybe even without the Konami code?”
“No sir. Paul's hand-eye coordination wasn't good enough for that.”
“Well then what would you do?”
“Crimes, sir.”
“CRIMES?”
“Crimes. So many many crimes.”
Yeah...with every passing day now, Paul seems exponentially more...#Manafucked.
(Perhaps the real tragedy here is that Manafort originally purchased his famous ostrich coat...as a birthday present for Rick Gates.)
Exhibit C: MR. ALEX JONES!
This section is....nnnnnnnnnghhhhh...NSFW. This is EROTIC. I'm gonna call this “decency porn,” I think. After nearly two years of watching the shittiest people imaginable fuck up my country, day in and day out, watching one of the leading turdweasels of the 21st century finally, FINALLY get some comeuppance is...fuck, y’all, I'll be right back, I need to change into rubber pants before I write this section.
Yes, Alex Jones is losing his platforms, and with them, his revenue streams, even as lawyers for the Sandy Hook families he's terrorized for years have finally come a-knockin'.
Facebook? Banned. YouTube? Banned. Apple? Deleted. Spotify? Fuck you, Alex. Pinterest? NO MORE SHIRTLESS BBQ PICS, I GUESS. Stitcher? I don't even know what the fuck that is, I literally heard of them for the first time in an article about them banning InfoWars.
I think he's still on MySpace, if he can remember his password. After that, InfoWars’ biggest platform will be the wall behind the urinals at Ma Bucket's Hog Trough Bar n’ Grill, where if you scratch Ma's hemorrhoids for ten minutes you get a discount on meth.
Anyway, Alex is whining and moaning and wondering how much his collection of Dick Tracy action figures will fetch on eBay, and it's all quite delightful to watch.
...I'll give you a minute to clean yourself up if you need to.
Exhibit D: EVEN BOSS SHART HIMSELF!
Following the latest act of patriotic dissent, excuse me, I mean “shameful act of vandalism, wink wink,” the West Hollywood City Council is voting on a resolution to remove Strawberry Shartcake's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame once and for all, citing his various acts of inhuman fuckery. Me, I think we can work out a compromise. See, if you simply build a port-a-potty atop the star, I think everyone will walk away happy.
It's amusing, if terrifying, to understand that this news will bother the President more than his failure to enact transformative health care legislation.
See? For today at least, we've got the bad guys on their heels. I'm sure there are plenty of dark days ahead of us, so take a breath and enjoy this one while you can.
And if you need more good news, check out Michelle Obama's new voter registration initiative.
...if you need even more than that to pick up your mood, I guess you'll just have to turn to drink.
= new reply since forum marked as read
Looking forward to your governors guide . Thank you for your research on the house and senate
Wow, the news is amazing! I'm so glad I spotted your eloquent post tonight.
Outta da park with this one!
I'm definitely cheered up. For the moment, anyway.
Thank You!
where if you scratch Ma's hemorrhoids for ten minutes you get a discount on meth. 
As always, I enjoy your words of wisdom.
On top of everything else, he's losing his Hollywood star?? I can't wait to watch this meltdown. On my way to buy you a beer.
