Two from Borowitz:

[George II]

Michael Cohen Pleads Guilty After Giuliani Offers to Be His Lawyer

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Michael D. Cohen decided on Tuesday to plead guilty to a host of financial crimes shortly after Rudolph Giuliani offered to be his lawyer on a pro-bono basis, Giuliani confirmed.

In an interview with Jake Tapper, on CNN, the former New York City mayor said that he had offered to give Cohen “the kind of defense that only I am capable of giving.”

“The minute I said that, the blood drained from his face and he was out of there like a shot,” Giuliani said. “It was the strangest thing I’d ever seen.”

Giuliani gave CNN viewers a snapshot of what his defense of Cohen would have been like. “I would have said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client is guilty,’ ” he said. “ ‘Guilty as sin! But “guilty” rhymes with “not guilty,” and that’s what I’m asking you to find him today.’ I’m telling you, Jake, it would have been a killer.”

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/michael-cohen-pleads-guilty-after-giuliani-offers-to-be-his-lawyer

Ostriches Celebrate Manafort Verdict

AFRICA (The Borowitz Report)—Ostriches across Africa erupted into spontaneous celebrations on Tuesday over the guilty verdict of Donald J. Trump’s former campaign manager Paul Manafort.

As the verdict was read out in open court, jubilant ostriches broke into what was described as an orgy of running, squawking, and indiscriminate mating.

An emotional ostrich spokesperson called the verdict “a great day for the entire ostrich species.”

“Waiting for the verdict over the past few days has been incredibly nerve-racking,” the ostrich said. “Many of us have been glued to the TV. Some of us were too stressed to watch and kept our heads in the sand. But tonight we are all partying.”

According to wildlife officials, ostriches held celebratory rallies in dozens of African capitals, where they were joined by equally delirious pythons.

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/ostriches-celebrate-manafort-verdict

[Ilsa]

1. kick & rec. nt

[Gothmog]

2. I love good satire