Future White House Press Release?

[MineralMan]

Statement from the President on Supreme Court Nomination

Issued on October 2, 2018

Today, I spoke at length with Brett Kavanaugh, our appointee to be the next Justice appointed to the Supreme Court of the United States. He expressed his regrets to me, personally, and informed me that he no longer wished to assume that position. Citing the stress of the Senate Hearings, health issues, and family concerns, he asked me to withdraw his name from consideration. I have directed the FBI to cease all investigations into Judge Kavanaugh forthwith. The investigation is obviously unfair and mean.

I have graciously and reluctantly accepted his withdrawal and will be announcing a new appointee in the coming days. I wish the very best of success to Judge Kavanaugh in whatever his future endeavors may be. I regret that he was so severely attacked by Democrats over a false story from his childhood. That was unfair to this brave, courageous patriot. I was deeply moved by his blubbering testimony this past Thursday. I could see that he had deep feelings with regard to the accusations. Sad.

(Note: Of course Donald J. Trump had very little to do with the writing of this. It is spelled correctly and has decent grammar.)

[MineralMan]

1. If Mark Judge actually cooperates with the FBI

This won't be just a parody press release, either.