Personal Physical Style: Everyone is Different - Take Offense Cautiously!

[MineralMan]

Tina Smith, who replaced Al Franken is a reliable progressive Democrat. She's not the firebrand that Franken was, by any means, and doesn't have his presence. She is, however, a progressive voice and when she's re-elected, she's likely to become more outspoken. I haven't met her personally, yet. I have met Al Franken several times. My wife had her picture taken with him once at the State Fair. I was on one side of him, and she was on the other. He did put his arm around her back. She didn't feel assaulted by that, though. My wife's a hugger. Everyone in her family is a hugger. I've been warmly hugged by everyone she's related to. That isn't the case in my own family. They're pretty reserved about physical contact, and so was I.

Now, I adapt to the style of the people I'm with. If they're huggers, I'm happy to hug. I don't pay a lot of attention to those hugs. My ex-wife had a lot of women friends who weren't just huggers. They were smoochers. That took some getting used to, really. A few of her women friends were serious smoochers, and meant nothing by it other than a friendly greeting. Again, that took some getting used to, but I never actually felt violated by getting a big sloppy kiss from one of her friends. I got used to it. That was their style. It was even kinda fun, really.

Other people I know and consider to be friends are upset if you even encroach on their personal space. I respect their space and maintain an acceptable distance. But I didn't know the right distance until I had encountered them a few times. I had to learn to read their responses to learn what was OK with them and not. But, I had no idea of that at first. How would I?

Strangers are even more difficult. One really has no idea of what their reactions will be to anything. I tend to be very tentative with them, and keep my separation clear. I give strangers plenty of space until I know their physical style.

Bottom line is that each individual and, sometimes, group has a different style of interaction. Al Franken's style is close and personal. He doesn't really have a personal space he likes to maintain. He's comfortable with whatever people are comfortable with. His wife and daughter are the same way. I chatted with his daughter for about half an hour at a meet and greet campaign thing. When the chat was over, she moved in and hugged me, although we had only met shortly before and I doubt she even remembered my name. I gave her a friendly hug, because she initiated one. Now, if I were a person who has issues with my personal space, I might have been put off by her action. I would hope that if that were the case, I'd make allowances for her personal style, though.

Not every familiar physical expression of friendliness is something to be concerned about. It's just not. Often, it's just that person's personal style. Sensible people adapt to the situation and don't take offense if someone's personal style is a little more physical than one's own. People are different. That's what makes life interesting. Being rigid about such things is always a bad idea.

So, my ex-wife's smoochy friends and my current wife's hugging relatives are just who they are. I was a little taken aback when a teenage girl second cousin of my wife's gave me a big warm hug the first time I met her. But she does that to lots of people, I have noticed. It doesn't mean anything except that she comes from a hugging family. So, that's cool, and I hug her right back now. That's her style. We're friends now, and she's 30. I was the first person she came out as bi-sexual to. I felt very privileged by that.

Getting along in a social environment sometimes means making allowances for a variety of personal styles when it comes to physical contact. It doesn't mean anything, really. It's part of getting along with a wide range of people.

Anyhow, if you meet Al Franken, don't be surprised if he moves into your personal space a little. That's Al Franken. He's a really nice guy and doesn't mean anything by it. That's just how he is.

Note: This OP is derived from a reply in another thread.

[IluvPitties]

1. I am a hugger too. However, I always assume others are not.

It is the best way to avoid issues.

[MineralMan]

2. Yes. It's always safest to let others show you their personal physical

style first. What I've learned, though, is that huggers are huggers and smoochers are smoochers. They'll let you know right away, sometimes as a surprise. You have to roll with it, really.

I'm not an initiator of personal intimacy expressions. I'm more of a reactor, but I'm OK with whatever turns up.

It's kind of fun, though, to encounter people who are more physical with that stuff. It has loosened me up quite a bit, and that's not a bad thing. It's all good, really.

[cwydro]

3. I'm not a hugger and don't like people in my personal space.

But I certainly know the difference between that and sexual harassment.

Good post!

[MineralMan]

4. Thanks. I've gotten pretty good at reading signals.

But I always give the initiative to the other person. If I get too close and see a negative reaction to that, it's easy enough to back off a bit. Not a problem. On the other hand, if the person moves in and gets close, I can do that, too. I've learned that I am just adaptive.

[MineralMan]

5. One more thing:

I think it's important not to form immediate assumptions about intent. Giving people the benefit of the doubt is usually the best approach. Of course if someone clearly is groping you, that's another matter, altogether. Then, public expressions of outrage are warranted.

As a man, that hasn't happened to me, but I get it that it does to women.