?- is there a woman here at DU who has not experienced sexual violence?

[kpete]

i did not think so,

and if you are an exception, i envy you...

we all have our stories...



We Women Have Felt The Pain Quietly
for too long

This is about our daughters, grandaughters, sisters, and I add son's and grandsons and brothers who are just waiting to become victims to an Ideology that the GOP is hoping to codify into law.

kpete

[cali]

1. Glad to be the first rec, kpete

wish I could say that I have not experienced sexual violence.

[roguevalley]

110. ditto. and it doesn't even have to be physically violent. being stalked as a child by a crazy

grandpa of a friend counts too.

[gollygee]

119. Oh man I've been stalked too

when I was 14 until I was 21. Frightening! I hadn't thought about that because it didn't get violent.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. I have been extremely lucky, my dear kpete...

I have never experienced sexual violence. I have no idea why, either.

I hope my daughters have not, too...But I don't know.

[phylny]

38. I am 54, and also have never experienced sexual violence, or any violence, for

that matter.

[newfie11]

120. I am 65 and must just be lucky

Never had any violence, sexual or otherwise.

[marybourg]

127. Me neither.

[Walk away]

144. Same here and I have lived in Bogota, NYC, Belfast and Cyprus.

I guess I'm just lucky. I was brought up in a household that was completely non-violent...screwed up... but no one ever raise a hand and barely raised a voice to anyone. I traveled the world alone for decades and nothing really bad ever happened.

I feel terrible for anyone who has had to suffer violence of any kind.

[Hestia]

145. I haven't experienced sexual violence but my weeps for every female (and male) who has.

[Dont call me Shirley]

222. Wow, you all are so lucky, started when I was just 1 with my uncle.

[SoCalDem]

3. If you are female, you will probably experience some sort of violence

and sexual assault of some sort..

There may be some lucky ones, but I have never met one.. (I am 63)

molested/raped by age 6(continued until age 13)..date-raped at 18 by a soldier

i broke the chain by marrying a gentle, kind, patient, generous man (42 years & counting)..raised 3 sons (all gentle men as well)

[kpete]

5. SoCalDem

i want to give you a big hug
our stories are never forgotten, ever...

i too married a gentle man and raised a gentle son
and i hope my daughter marries a gentle, caring person as well

peace, kp

[HockeyMom]

4. Women didn't want to report rape or sexual abuse years ago

because THEY were the ones put on trial and had to offer proof, with very few positive results.

[robinlynne]

15. I was raped in my late teens, and never told anyone until many years later after I was married.

I was too ashamed and horrified to tell anyone.

[HockeyMom]

41. Date Rape in my early 20s

Fortunately, I was a "slut" and on the Pill and didn't have to worry about a pregnancy. He was an executive from work. If I reported it, I could have been fired.

[freshwest]

112. How well I know. Women are born liars. I learned early to STHU.

I have spent a lifetime thinking I was crazy, because it just didn't matter. It changed everything about the way I looked at the world, from God on down the line. Anyone violated that way deals with it everyday until they have no more days. Okay, I said it, I confessed. Now I'm crying, probably delete this in a while.

[efhmc]

122. So sad for you. Blessings, sweetie.

[freshwest]

124. Thanks, efhmc. Half a century ago. Changed my reality.

Blessings back to you, too.

[efhmc]

126. Thanks. Please take care of yourself.

[niyad]

137. I hope you have managed to find some sort of peace for yourself, and I hope you are okay tonight

after sharing this with us.

[freshwest]

139. Thanks, I was just coming to delete after it looks like the thread was attracting some scorn.

I don't need that. It's going to be a tough night and I'm sending my best to all the others who told their stories. I can't, even after all this time. You're very kind and I appreciate what you said to me.

[tblue]

172. Hugs to you, my sweet.

I'm so pissed at whoever hurt you.

[freshwest]

232. Thanks, tblue.

[Marrah_G]

6. I don't have many women in my life who haven't

[HappyMe]

7. I haven't ever experienced sexual violence.

I've been fortunate.

[cynatnite]

8. I was attacked 28 years ago....

I was treated so badly by the investigating officers that I dropped the charges. I was 19 years old and scared. I never told my family.

Seems like very little has changed since then.

[tblue]

173. Damn!

I'm so sorry!

[karynnj]

9. 62 years old and never experienced sexual violence

[Hydra]

10. A fair number of males too, I would bet

But ya, disturbing how widespread and unacknowledged how rape seems to be built into our society...one can't call that "civilized," so that may explain why we're not very civilized when it comes to everything else either...

[Taverner]

169. yep

[ncgrits]

11. I'm one of the very lucky ones. But I have friends who have not been so lucky. . . . nt

[KSstellarcat]

12. Drugged and raped...so not legitimate rape, obviously.

It was horrible, and it affected me for years. I can't even imagine if I had gotten pregnant and had been unable to have an abortion.

[cynatnite]

13. Not only that...

According to these repukes, you're lying about being raped. That's what makes them so repugnant to me.

Welcome to DU.

[renate]

65. how awful...

I am so sorry. It is so WRONG, the way that some selfish person can do a terrible thing and go merrily on his way, leaving the person he hurt to suffer for years.

Welcome to DU.

[luvspeas]

206. You make a remarkable point!

about this assinine theory about your "juices flowing" (makes em sick to type it). If a woman is unconcious and gets pregnant from the rape, would the GOP allow her to have an abortion???? They really really are assholes. and I am so sorry about what happened to you and that so many of you have been retraumatised by stupidity.

[proud patriot]

14. I experienced date rape 3 times and said nothing

I was 15-19 when they occurred .. I thought I must have asked for it or something. I blamed myself.

[redqueen]

17. We almost always blame ourselves.

[proud patriot]

60. yep

[abelenkpe]

48. Same here

I was 20. In college. Never told anyone.

[proud patriot]

58. big hug

[KSstellarcat]

74. I was 24 and only told my best friend.

To this day (15 years later), I haven't told my family. I have thought about that a lot during the past few days. My family members are all republican, and I've avoided talking about this topic with them because I don't want to reveal that it happened. Feels too long after the fact, and as I have had counseling (and am a counselor myself!), I fear it would just cause them unnecessary grief.

First time that I'm glad that we live in Kansas...would hate it if we lived in Missouri and thought that they might actually vote for that "evil-doer" Akin.

[CabCurious]

186. omfg :(

Obviously nothing that a stranger on the internet can say will be of any genuine meaning on these kinds of personal matters, but please know that your strength is deeply respected.

[RFKHumphreyObama]

226. I'm so sorry my friend

[XemaSab]

16. I've never experienced sexual violence but I have experienced sexual harassment

[Arugula Latte]

18. I've been groped by strange men.

Once when I was 12 -- TWELVE! -- in a crowd at a concert.

I don't know if that's considered "violence" but it sure left a mark on my psyche.

[redqueen]

22. Yes, that is sexual assault, which is a form of sexual violence.

We don't need to be bruised and bloody, as you said, you were scarred from the incident.

I think most of us started experiencing at least sexual harassment around that age. It usually starts in elementary school.

[Chorophyll]

57. It is absolutely violence.

It absolutely is. I was groped at 12 on a schoolbus(!) by a boy my own age.

And I was embarrassed. Yep, I was embarrassed. Hello? Took me years to understand what really happened there.

[siouxsiecreamcheese]

107. Same thing happened to me

I think I was 13 or 14 at the time. It was at a friend's relatives wedding reception and it took place in a restaurant/bar. It was pretty crowded and I had to squeeze past a group of drunk men at the bar, and I remember getting my butt grabbed by several different hands. At the time I didn't think it was assault, cause nothing ever came of it, but now I see that it pretty much was. I get pissed thinking about it all these years later that these grown, older, probably at least 40ish, felt the need to grab a young girl. I did look a little older than an average 14 year old, but not older than 18. It makes me squeamish.

[lunatica]

160. As you say, it left a mark on your psyche

The reason sexual violence is so insidious is that the victims sometimes don't understand that their entire being is affected. Having a stranger grope you is a sexual assault and that is violence done on your entire being. If you say the words out loud you'll understand how true that is.

[Did I Just Type This]

19. I dated a brilliant woman a while back...

She had a masters from Boston University and we got along great. When we started dating she mentioned right away that "when" a boy friend hits his girl friend she has to hit him back right away or he will keep doing it. We were eating in a restaurant and she wanted my opinion on this philosophy, prior to things getting too serious between us. I didn't know what to say at first, and when she prodded me to say "anything", all I could say was what was going on in my mind. You said "when he hits" instead of "if he hits" are you saying that everyone you ever dated has struck you? Needless to say we have been together for over 15 years and married for 5 years now.

[seabeyond]

24. wow. cause mine is the hint of aggression in any form, i walk. totally not accepted or allowed.

i have never experienced it in a relationship and would not go beyond the first shove. generally it starts with a shove or something. not gonna escalate to a hit.

[riderinthestorm]

20. I'm one of the lucky ones but I am a regular rape crisis counselor and advocate

for 30 years, as well as volunteering at my local women's shelter.

I know and understand that my status is a "there but for the grace of god go I...."

((((((hugs to all survivors)))))

[AsahinaKimi]

21. I was in and out of a violent

relationship. I was lucky enough to leave it.. and got a court order. Hes got another girlfriend.. I hope she gets out of it as quick as I did..

[CatWoman]

23. I have both in AND out of the military

guess that's why I'm like I am now.

[TBF]

25. Ex-husband was abusive in many ways -

I doubt there are many exceptions out there. Unfortunately it's not only common in this culture but worldwide.

[Liberal_in_LA]

26. If you had no bruises, it wasn't sexual violence - that's what Akin would say

[nc4bo]

27. Too many instances.........so so sad.

OTOH it's nice (in a sad way) to know that we have so many sisters (and brothers) who understand us.

[no_hypocrisy]

28. My client endured constant sexual violence from her husband.

He raped her vaginally and anally. And kept her consistently pregnant for more than a decade.

[brooklynite]

29. Unrec

I do not belittle those who have suffered a sexual assault, but asserting without evident that no Woman has been spared is irresonsible.

[FarLeftMale]

113. .

I concur. This thread made me sad but the op is just stupid.

[seabeyond]

116. welcome to du, male. interesting to hear you think the OP .... stupid. nt

[niyad]

149. wow, you have been here 5 minutes, and you start by insulting long-time members?

not really an auspicious start.

[lunatica]

162. You may be male but since you lack the empathy thing

I think you're not anywhere near the Left. Only a stupid Teabagger would wander idiotically into a thread like this to take a shit. You won't be here long.

[CabCurious]

187. I honestly don't understand your point in this. The OP clearly acknowledges...

that some women have been spared this kind of abuse.

So why the negative comment? I genuinely don't get it and don't want to assume the worst.

[brooklynite]

199. The exact quote:

?- is there a woman here at DU who has not experienced sexual violence?

i did not think so,

[noiretextatique]

215. it's is an opinion

based on really terrible realities that harm far too many people. instead of nitpicking over her opinion, perhaps you should read all the posts that confirm it. too many to count, but there are over 210 replies in this thread.

[SleeplessinSoCal]

30. I have not experienced sexual violence. But . . .

I know a woman who was raped in Central Park. And the advice she'd received and I've also heard has always been to not resist an attack as you might actually wind up dead in that situation. So the idea of a "forced" rape is completely false as these women would not be protected under Republican law. Unless they think being dead is the most ideal alternative to forced rape.

[1-Old-Man]

31. Is there a man who hasn't either?

Anone who thinks that sexual assaults only happen to women is out of their mind.

[kpete]

32. no offense to any brother, please

i know men are hurt by this ideology as well...
i tried to point that out in my post
this affects everyone
i know, i know, all too well

peace, kpete

[CabCurious]

188. You have no need to apologize! IMO the equivalence was the offense

This is like the "reverse racism" claims that don't acknowledge the wider, structural forces at play.

[Chorophyll]

61. Oh, it definitely happens to men too.

And it would be great if we could start talking about it as a society.

[TahitiNut]

72. Rape is notoriously under-reported ...

... and even MORE so when it's a male victim.

[a2liberal]

134. Doesn't help when you have posters here pretty much equating

female = rape victim
male = rapist

In case anyone thinks I'm sensationalizing, the exact quote was "The problem of rape is not women. It's men.". Then the thread devolved into how all men are potential rapists. Also only allowed for penetration rape when the victim is male.

tried arguing with one of them, gave up.

[seabeyond]

143. this is a pretty callous post in a thread with heartfelt posts. it is a shame you felt it necessary

[a2liberal]

166. I disagree.

If it helps, my heart does go out to ALL victims/survivors of sexual assault (really assault of any kind).

[CabCurious]

189. i felt like the rhetorical question about males was the callous one, honestly

[seabeyond]

193. ? i am not follwoing. nt

[CabCurious]

197. "Is there a man who hasn't either?"

I took that as a very insincere/rhetorical question that diminishes the serious topic.

I find equating assaults on women with those against men similar to equating racism against minorities as with racism against whites.

And while there is obviously serious cases of sexual assaults on men, it's certainly not in the same proportions. I'd even dare say it's categorically different because I suspect most of the cases against men are in specific institutional contexts (i.e. prisons, camps, schools, churches, etc).

I may be wrong there, but that's how i see it and why i find the question to diminish the topic.

[seabeyond]

198. you are not wrong. not one man i talked to said he walks in RL with concerns of rape

this has been brought up in so many of the threads, with akins. i am very sensitive to the rape of men, regardless of where they are, but especially our boys that are abused. that is very real. but, when hearing the argument (and i always include boys when discussing prostitution and the sex slave market) in a thread discussing women/girl assault rape i get where some men are coming from, to dismiss, make it easier to accept, to mollify, the pain their gender causes women. it is not them. they do not have to own all their genders bad behavior. all there needs be is an understanding, recognition, so they can help in the fight, be a voice.

but, when hearing this argument the other day, i texted, emailed and asked all the men and a few older boys in my life and asked them if ANY have walked thru life with a concern or even thought to being raped.

not one.

not one man has ever considered rape while interacting in the real world.

about all women and girls at the least, have that in the back of their mind.

that says something.

[CabCurious]

205. well said

The psychological day-to-day reality is a huge point and one that I often forget (as a male).

And I don't take any of that as diminishing genuine concern for male victims of sexual abuse and assault.

[MadrasT]

217. Yes, this is all I want

it is not them. they do not have to own all their genders bad behavior. all there needs be is an understanding, recognition, so they can help in the fight, be a voice.

(underline added by me)

Just an understanding that this is a fear many women live with daily. And for many women it isn't an irrational, unfounded fear -- it's a born from actual experience.

[geardaddy]

220. I agree that this was a hijak question

but please don't diminish the fact that men experience sexual violence too.

"I'd even dare say it's categorically different because I suspect most of the cases against men are in specific institutional contexts (i.e. prisons, camps, schools, churches, etc). "

I'd say that's categorically wrong. It happens in families, too.

But I agree for the most part that adult males don't have the same fear of rape in society as adult females.

[lunatica]

163. If you were a victim of sexual violence then just say so

and you'll be surprised how many people will rally around you. Going on the offensive won't make you any friends.

[a2liberal]

167. I have not been

but thanks for your concern (and I mean that mostly seriously, not sarcastically).

I do get somewhat offended though by the idea that pointing out that men can be victims (and women can be rapists) too is somehow offensive, or that pointing out that there are people on DU who promote the culture that only women are victims, or that, however common or uncommon, a man cannot be raped by a woman without a "tool" (which discourages men from reporting sexual violence even more so on top of the culture that already keeps all types of victims from reporting... the whole "well you got an erection so you must've been into it, just be happy you got laid" attitude has scary parallels to the "well you were asking for it" idea) is "going on the offensive".

To be clear, I don't deny that women are more likely to be a victim or that men are more likely to be aggressors, but promoting that it is the only possible circumstance is a self-reinforcing circle (man won't report because of the "you got laid dude, what are you complaining about?" attitude, which leads to statistics that perpetuate the culture.) I don't see how that's offensive, unless someone (not saying you do) has an agenda and doesn't want men reporting sexual violence.

[lunatica]

170. I don't think anyone believes that boys and men aren't victims

We've had a couple of decades now dealing with predatory Catholic priests molesting boys and the culture of the Church ignoring it and taking actions that allow the predators to continue. You'd have to be living in a cave not to have noticed. Everyone gets it viscerally and everyone understand the horror of it.

But when someone interjects that men are victims too when the OP is about women being raped or assaulted AND people like Todd Akin and Paul Ryan's policies of passing laws that pointedly undermine women's lives, then that interjection can be perceived as a foil to discredit what's happening or to change the subject. The OP is in reaction to the real danger that women are losing our hard won rights. Both men and women are victimized sexually, but right now women are losing their rights rapidly. Can you say the same about men's rights?

I hope I have explained a little of the fear women are feeling right now. If the rape culture is allowed to get a pass through the erosion of our rights as human beings we can and should truly fear the future.

[a2liberal]

178. I was responding to a post about

how men are victims but don't report even more so. My post was not intended to discredit the danger to women especially, and people in general, posed by Republicans and their current way of framing rape.

As to men's rights, I will refrain from delving into the subject in it's entirety but on the reproductive front I mostly agree with you (some minor exceptions that I won't get into here, PM me if you care)

[lumberjack_jeff]

221. Not me. Sex violence is too common, but it is not a universal experience among men or women. n/t

[caraher]

33. I'm certain there are many women who have not experienced sexual violence, BUT

Everybody knows many women who HAVE experienced it. Which is more than enough information to know there's WAY too much of it. My own education on this began in the '80s when campus activists fighting sexual assault stenciled some stats that seemed on the high side to me. I mentioned this to my girlfriend and she told me her own rape story... It makes sense to assume a woman do have that somewhere in her past, simply because it's too prevalent for it to be safe to assume otherwise.

[Herlong]

34. I have

and it changed my life.

[WinstonSmith4740]

35. Thankfully, no.

Very thankfully. I'm 64 and counting.

[rockingirl]

36. my ex was abusive

and he is long gone

when i was younger there were many men who were abusive to me in one way or another

now i live my life in a better way without any of that

but obviously the threat is always still there in one way or another

certainly politically it still is

[cbayer]

37. I don't think I have ever met a woman who doesn't have a story of sexual violence.

[lins the liberal]

42. incest

started at a young age. And who knows how my life would have been different. I do know it has had an effect on all areas of my life. And I live with the results of the incest still to this day, every day. And that is after years and years of therapy. Without therapy I don't think I would be alive today.

[cbayer]

46. Much sexual violence is perpetrated by a family member.

I think the breach of trust in cases like yours compound the damage immeasurably.

I am sorry for what you have been through and am glad you got the therapy you needed.

[Auntie Bush]

80. That's so sad. Thank God I've never experienced sexual violence of any kind...and I don't

even know anyone who has. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. Although, I grew up in the 50's and we didn't discuss such things.

[cbayer]

82. I think the lack of discussion continues for women of your generation and that many

secrets will die with them. I think the definition may have changed as well. What women used to just think was normal or to be expected is no longer tolerated. Being bullied, pushed around, or otherwise coerced into having sex one does not want to have, I think can fall under the broader umbrella of sexual violence.

I am glad you have been safe.

[seabeyond]

85. i do not talk about it with my friends. never have. they do not talk to me about their experience

do you find your circle does?

it is unusual for it to come up. it doesnt mean it isnt there.

[cbayer]

93. With my closest friends, it does come up. Others have just alluded to it

and at one time I was in a position when I talked to many, many women in a professional capacity.

And then there is my daughter, who I swore I would protect no matter what, and didn't.

[seabeyond]

96. ah. thanks.

i hear ya on your daughter.

i am a bit of an isolationist, so i know people but not close. maybe that is why. i have brought up the subject recently with a few, because i was curious, with discussions, how prevalent. and seeing one womans behavior in relationship had me asking.

i am sorry about your girl.

[iamthebandfanman]

210. im, unfortunately, in your camp

...
id say atleast 9 out of every 10 women ive made friendships with have eventually told me a story of atleast one incident of sexual abuse..

and yes, its typically either a family member (ive noticed either uncles or cousins mostly) or a CLOSE family friend. by close i mean trusted enough to look after the victim and so left with them alone.

its really sick.

[hue]

39. When I was about 10 yrs old a man stopped near a local park asked for directions...

to a local shopping mall. I approached his car to give directions and when I got near he pulled a handkerchief off his lap to expose himself. I ran. On retrospect he looked like Dahmer---but I could never prove it. I ended up in the police dept. behind a one-way-mirror to try to identify him. They did not give out results. This was not the only incident but it was the first.

[tblue]

176. Same thing happened to me!!!

Same exact thing and I was probably the same age. I was with a friend and when we saw his 'thing' we took off running. It was in a black neighborhood and the man was white. I never told anybody. I am not sure why. I guess I thought I would be the one who got in trouble. My parents weren't the type to stick up for me so I never said a word.

Did you grow up in SoCal? Just wondering if it was the same jackass pervert.

[nashville_brook]

40. this is a very good point

i don't often think about it, but, yes - happened to me. happened to my mother. happened to many of my friends (who talked about it).

you'd be hard pressed to find someone who hasn't dealt with this.

[Aerows]

43. I was groped

and it scared the shit out of me because it happened on my own back porch during Christmas. Needless to say, I won't be around males that I don't know are explicitly safe by myself, even in my own home.

[etherealtruth]

44. I am now 50 ....

... back in the "good old days*" .... a woman could not be sexually assaulted by a man that bought her dinner, took her to the movies ... or a man that she had a few drinks with ... back in the "good old days*" ... if you went out with him .... or God forbid had a few drinks with him .... that was enough of a yes in the eyes of society.

So yes, I have definitely been assaulted .... but by the standards of the day "what did I expect"

It actually makes me feel physically ill to hear moron's referring to "legitimate" rape ... disgusting

* I would hope this would not be necessary "good old days" =

[pink-o]

45. 57 here. Never experienced sexual violence.

When I was younger, I would bemoan my height, and how the guys would look me over and immediately reject me. Yeah, that hurt. But of course, I now understand exactly how it protected me from potential rape and assault. Even now, I walk where I want to--cautious and streetwise, but not fearful. If I'm by myself at night, I wear a big coat and a hood. From a distance, no one knows I'm a woman.

And I realize EVERY DAY how lucky I've been to be so free! I can't imagine what it must feel like to be afraid and violated. And I'm so sorry for mys sisters who've had to experience it.

[Aerows]

51. I'm a petite, feminine blond

I've escaped rape because I have martial arts training, but I was groped on the patio of my own home a few years ago on Christmas. I would love to have your height.

[gollygee]

47. I've been somewhat lucky, compared to a lot of people

Last edited Thu Aug 23, 2012, 08:20 PM - Edit history (1)

but not untouched.

Someone tried, at a party, but I was able to get away (because he was drunk, really.)

And when I was a child, I had inappropriate things happen, like I was shown pornography by an adult, and I was groped a bit by another adult (who always wanted me to sit on his lap and would even do it in front of my parents, who couldn't tell just what was happening and thought I was rude to refuse to be near him.) And when I was a teen I had a dad of some kids I babysat come onto me. I was underage, but I said no and he dropped it so it was inappropriate but not assault.

The horror stories I've heard from others, including my own grandmother -whose story is shocking and who was abused by a system that did not consider her rape to be rape, then would not allow her to have an abortion, and then when she decided if she was forced to have a baby she'd raise it herself decided she wouldn't be a fit mother since she was single and had the baby taken away from her against her will after birth. And many, many other stories. It's heartbreaking.

[emilyg]

49. I have not. Thank God.

[Arkansas Granny]

50. I have been very fortunate. I have never experienced sexual violence or domestic violence.

Most of the women I know have experienced on or the other or both. It is a widespread problem.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

52. I have not, but I consider myself lucky

because I know a lot of others have.

[eilen]

53. Wow, a woman locally finally got some justice

She is deaf and as a child could not communicate verbally. When she was 5 her cousin who was 25 grabbed her hand and held it against his penis and masturbated. Fast forward 40 years--They grew up and he became a judge. They just forced him to resign. She volunteers at the battered women's center.

[link:http://www.syracuse.com/news/index.ssf/2012/08/commissions_sanction_of_judge.html#incart_river_default|

[tblue]

177. HE BECAME A JUDGE?

Holy freaking cow. That poor little girl!

[eilen]

212. Yeah, I wonder if there was some bad blood btw him and the DA for the DA to work w/her, nt

[Chorophyll]

54. I've been groped and grabbed.

Thankfully that was it. I don't think there are any women who move through the world with complete confidence that they won't be raped. We all take precautions and avoid certain places and activities.

But many women (and girls) aren't even safe around their own families.

The GOP has never been quite as openly hateful toward women as they are now.

[GreenPartyVoter]

55. Varying degrees of assault ranging from

1) a guy shoving his tongue down my throat

2) a guy I am pretty sure was high on something throwing me on the floor and dry humping me, right in front of the mail boxes in the dorm lobby

3) a guy climbing into my bed in my dorm room and groping me in the night

4) a drunk guy I was hanging out with and making out with deciding to further than I wanted to.

5) different drunk guy had me pinned to a bed, but a friend pulled him off of me

Never penetrated, never bruised, but still hurt.

I had a friend freshman year of college who was acting really weird one day. Turned out the night before she was forced to walk a few miles to some apartment where a guy ground on her half the night. The zipper from his jeans rubbed her raw on her thigh. I went with her to her pelvic exam and held her hand. I also went with her to court and stood before the judge with her. Unfortunately, someone screwed up and after being assured she wouldn't see him, the guy was out in the hall. She nearly ran through a plate glass window to get away from him. Eventually she dropped the charges because she was so scared.

[eridani]

56. I had a couple of narrow escapes

Not the same thing as an actual assault, but scary anyway. Plenty of garden-variety sexual harassment also.

[XanaDUer]

59. I am one

I'm very fortunate, so far.

[seabeyond]

62. yup. the first was about 12, just sexual assault and the stories continue on

after that.

[Freddie]

63. Pretty lucky I guess

(I'm female)
Only one time, back in college.
I was walking out of a professor's office and he reached behind me and groped my breasts. I was shocked wordless and blamed myself for wearing a tight sweater. This was the 70s so it never occurred to me to tell the dean. He was a "name brand" professor; students chose the college because of him.

[JenniferJuniper]

64. I've dodged a few bullets in my day...

Aside from two attempted acquaintance rapes where I managed to physically get myself out of the situation, one "stranger danger" event that comes to mind is the time I was doing research in the basement of my university library. It was during the day, but there was no one around. Long story short, I was completely cornered with no escape route. He said something threatening about what he was going to do (won't repeat it, it was pretty awful), and all I could say is "NO!". To which he menacingly replied, "What do you mean, 'no'? I say yes".

Don't know where it came from, but one of my grandmothers had been deaf since birth, and pointing to my ear and perfectly mimicking her speech, I said, "I am deaf. I do not understand you."

He gave me an odd look, but backed away and left. Apparently he was not in the mood to rape a deaf girl that day.

I think it's impossible for men to truly understand what it's like to constantly be on guard, whether you are with someone you think you know or whether you are simply trying to get a research paper done.

[Moosepoop]

66. Kidnapped at knifepoint.

Raped and left tied up in the woods thirty-two years ago.

[Liberty Belle]

148. What a dreadful ordeal.

How did you escape?

[Moosepoop]

164. It was dreadful -- but I lived. :)

I escaped by picking apart the twine with my fingernails. I could break the slender strands I created that way one by one, snapping through each one with the side of my index finger knuckle. Twine is tough stuff as a whole, but picked into strands it's breakable, even by a teenage girl.

[CabCurious]

194. that smiley made my day

I hope you know that the strength you have inside you is building strength in your loved ones... one way or another.

[CabCurious]

192. :(

Thank you for your strength.

Wish I knew what to say...

[pnwmom]

67. Sexual harassment rather than violence.

It was in the workplace and also just walking on the street during the day.

(I was poked by boys in middle school. I suppose that counts, but I know it's nothing compared to what some friends went through.)

[JenniferJuniper]

76. Back in the 80's all of the women I worked with were routinely sexually harrassed...

and by multiple men in the office. We were very young women; the men were middle aged managers.

Offensive stories and jokes, inappropriate comments, leering, staring, you name it. One manager asked one of my friends how often she got Pap smears, because he was concerned his wife wasn't getting them often enough.

I got together with a few of my old colleagues a couple of months ago, and we all rehashed our stories, shaking our heads in disbelief about how prevalent it was and how we, to a woman, felt at the time we had no recourse. A complaint would get you fired or demoted. We knew action would ever have been taken against the managers by the company and none of us understood at the time how truly illegal it was.

[pnwmom]

81. I was lucky then. My direct boss was Exec. VP.

and on a business trip with him, I told him what another VP had been doing. (I was 22 and he was a 50-ish creep.) It turns out he was a fairly new employee and other women had been making similar complaints about him to their managers. My boss gave him an immediate ultimatum and the creep never bothered any of us again. (I don't think he lasted much longer either, although I can't remember that for sure.)

This was pre-Anita Hill, when there was little talk of sexual harassment in the workplace. I didn't even have a name for what he was doing. She helped a lot of us.

[JenniferJuniper]

87. You are so right about Anita Hill

she may not have been able to prevent that dimwitted pervert from getting on the Supreme Court, but her bravery helped a lot of people understand the nature of sexual harassment and how demeaning and detrimental it is to people. As you put it, she finally gave it a name and victims a voice.

[LiberalLoner]

84. I remember those days, and yup that's exactly what it was like. It was expected.

[Blue_In_AK]

68. Domestic violence most definitely in a previous marriage.

There was no term for "date rape" back when I was young, but that didn't prevent a lot of it from going on. Usually it was easier to just give in than make a big scene, in other words, not "legitimate." But there were plenty of times when my "no" didn't seem to do the trick.

My, how things have changed in the past 50 years.

[Aerows]

69. I'm a flaming lesbian

I love women with a zeal that only comes with total acceptance of ones sexuality. That doesn't stop men from trying, though, and I was groped on MY OWN PORCH during Christmas. I'm still pissed about that. Did my sexuality suddenly change because you decided I looked good? Did I suddenly give you approval to grab my breast and rub your erect junk on me because you decided I looked good?

And of all days to pick. Christmas.

[Ilsa]

70. Raped in '87, date raped in '84,

Groped in a crowd in high school, pet dog chased off a peeping tom...

Yeah, I've had to deal with some level of sexual violence for most of my life.

[frogmarch]

71. I never have, but that

doesn't mean I don't support all the women who have. I do! Most emphatically!

[RebelOne]

73. I was raped at 14.

I was afraid to tell my parents about it. But the idiot who did to me had raped another girl who reported it. But he was never prosecuted because I was his second rape victim. This was in the '50s when the female rape victim was considered at fault because of the way she dressed.

[Beringia]

75. I have had a few incidents

One was at a low-level job and the boss thought he could sleep with the employees. I was harassed and then fired when I told him to stay away.

A few years ago, at a beach with lots of people, a guy stalked me. It took a while for me to realize he was actually chasing me. I just ran and left. I could have confronted him and said I am going to call the police, but it happened so gradually, I didn't think of doing that.

Have had comments from men on the street where they could easily have had rape on their minds, but luckily it never happened.

[derby378]

77. ChickMagic was raped sometime back in the early 70s

He was a total stranger. Ambushed her by jumping out of the shrubs and dragged her where nobody could see them.

Her first husband was a real sonofabitch - he beat her, and she told me "he used to to a lot of things." I didn't prod much. I never met the man. He died in 2000, the same year ChickMagic married me.

She made a lot of progress with the help of counselors to move past the abuse and that rape way back when - but no matter how much you love your wife, sometimes there are scars that can never fully heal. This is not to say, however, that I didn't try my best to do just that.

Ginny loved me, and she died loving me. There is some measure of solace in this.

[pnwmom]

83. I'm so sorry, derby378, both for what happened to her

and for your losing her. I am glad, though, that she had your love at the end.

[derby378]

90. Thank you...

[Le Taz Hot]

78. I was raped when I was 29.

I've talked about it on DU before. There are a couple of episodes I've never talked about, though. To anyone. I was MUCH younger and it involved two different family members and one young man who was SUPPOSED to be babysitting me.

[LadyHawkAZ]

79. Twice here

Three if you add in the on-the-job assault.

[LiberalLoner]

86. +1. everyone knows my stories already so I won't repeat them, but.....when I was a young child,

I had a plan that made perfect sense to me. I thought every woman on earth should commit suicide and murder their daughters too. To make sure no woman was left alive on earth. Everyone all at once. Just let the men have their own world without us.

I fantasized a lot about that. It felt like a very happy fantasy to me. Very satisfying.

[pnwmom]

94. So sorry, LL, that you went through that as a child.

[LiberalLoner]

98. Thank you - I'm so sorry for what we've all been through, for how our society is :(

[Auntie Bush]

104. How about Muslim and African women ? They must go through hell on earth!

[LiberalLoner]

108. The world as a whole practices unbelievable misogyny. I even understood that as a young girl and

that's part of what fed into my fantasy about how great it would be if all women could do the murder/suicide thing one evening we would all pick in advance, to leave the world completely free of any females from then on. Let the menfolk have this world. If they hate us so much, let's just disappear ourselves, why not?

[MarvelUs]

88. Rape, Abuse, Incest and Assault National Network

This is the link to RAINN - the network for information on reporting, preventing, and resolving issues of sexual abuse.


http://www.rainn.org/get-information

[Butterbean]

89. No sexual violence, just weird, well, I don't know what to call it.

I was 9, walking through the Atlanta airport with my mother. Some strange man reached out and grabbed my stomach and made a "tickle" noise. It scared me and creeped me out but it happened so fast. But it wasn't sexual. Just....gross.

Other than that, no, no sexual violence. I am lucky. I am practically the only woman I know who hasn't been violated in some way.

[nolabear]

91. Held at gunpoint. Managed to escape.

Boy; there's a six word story. Sadly, I grew up in a culture of mild sexual violence (constant harrassment, teasing, subtle groping) and I got wise fast when anyone tried to get me alone. But when you've got a gun pointed at you it's PARAMOUNT that you not be gotten alone. I was lucky as hell. It could have been a lot worse.

[MadrasT]

218. I am so sorry that happened to you.

I have had a gun pointed at me too and it is about the scariest thing ever.

[Auntie Bush]

92. I'm absolutely shocked! I had no idea that rape and sexual assult was so pervasive.

I feel so sorry for all those that were. I can't even imagine having to go through such a hell of an experience. I'm sure there are others and some men who still can't acknowledge it. to all those survivors. Bless everyone of you.

[renie408]

95. I haven't. But I don't need to have to understand that sexual violence can come in many guises...

and that any attempt to qualify rape is a kind of rape in itself.

I am very lucky and I know it. I have children and I can only hope that they will also be so lucky. But the odds are that one or the other of them, and most likely it will be my bright, funny, beautiful daughter, will have to go through something I don't even want to think about. And knowing that the GOP wants to control her and me and YOU with regards to any actions any of us may take after such an event makes me so fucking angry I want to scream.

[pnwmom]

97. I had forgotten, but I just remembered

why I stopped going to the community pool as a young teen.

Boys with hands. That's why.

[LiberalLoner]

100. :( All of us...it's pervasive...not one of us escapes unharmed....

[malaise]

99. I have never experienced sexual violence but I have friends

who were victims of rape.

[Yo_Mama]

101. Yes.

I am very grateful for that, but I don't think I am that rare.

[kimbutgar]

102. An old man touched me between my legs when I was 10 yrs I was embarassed

And scared. I finally told my mother and she tried to beat the shit out of the man. My dad would have killed him my mother held my dad back. Then at 22 a terrible date rape. You think it will never happen to you and when it does the shame and anger can eat you up.

[Raine]

105. I have never experience sexual violence or even violence against me

I came from a loving family and had a 30 yr. relationship with a wonderful guy (who died a year and a half ago). The closest I came to a problem was some freak stalked me in the library bookstacks when I was in college. I finally just gave up and left the library. The only other problem was when I was at work a repairman came in and kept "bumping" up against me. I made eye contact with him and gave him a dirty look and he backed off. I know I've been very lucky and realize though that many women aren't.

[laundry_queen]

106. I have experienced it.

Started when I was 11 and the neighbors across the street had a big party when their parents went out of town. There were a bunch of teenage guys. I was walking home and one of the guys grabbed me as I was walking past their yard and started groping me and sticking his hands up my shirt and trying to get down my pants. My neighbor happened to see us and recognized me and kicked the guy's ass while screaming, "She's fucking 11 you moron!" I didn't say anything because he was one of the most popular guys in school, and I couldn't figure out a way to tell my parents...most of the time my parents weren't exactly the type to stand up for me so I didn't even bother going to them.

Started drinking about a year after that and there are so many instances where I ended up at parties where guys thought drunk girl=open invitation. I was mostly 'only' groped and by then had gotten good at getting away (and had a good friend that always stuck up for me and we took care of each other). One guy did force me to 'finish what I started' but at least it wasn't intercourse. And there were several times I was manipulated into agreeing to sex or other things. I was constantly sexually harassed in the workplace.

Then I was date raped about 3 times during a 1 year period starting when I was 18, by guys that played hockey on a team my dad coached. My dad found out about it and did nothing. Blamed me for having a drinking problem (ironic since he's an alcoholic) even though I told him that I was blacking out despite not drinking much (in retrospect I wonder about if I was drugged). Didn't believe me and didn't stick up for me at all.

I ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship with my now-ex husband, but at least there was no sexual violence in that relationship. It was probably the only 'place' where he was respectful.

The very sad part is that until I was in my 20's I didn't think this was 'bad' or 'unusual'. I thought it was normal. Even until recently I didn't realize just how many times it happened and made excuses ("well, I was really drunk, and I must have done something to make him think I was willing...and I knew him since we were 5, he wouldn't do THAT, so it couldn't REALLY be rape...etc&quot .

I have 4 daughters and I hope like hell they don't experience the same things I did. I've made sure to keep the lines of communication open - and my teen knows about these experiences, as I think knowing about it will help her see it CAN happen to anyone and to see the signs - and I let them know I will have their back and believe what they say no matter what.

[polly7]

109. raped and beaten, then again ....

and again in different circumstances. But, I grew up and finally decided life was more than fearing the next thing I said would be the killer, literally. Now, I help with youth groups and volunteer at women's shelters as well as try to instill confidence and what not to put up with with the young females in my family and group. I coach girls hockey and ball and every practice includes our 'talks' that are mostly disguised as just chats, but I try to learn what they are thinking of about many things - themselves, their confidence levels, bullying, boys ... attitudes towards what they're bombarded with daily. These conversations take some pretty strange twists, but I'm surprised at how much smarter these girls are than I was at that age. I don't know the answer, but I believe education, above all, will do the most to help young girls develop a sense of self and set boundaries and when aimed at boys ... re-inforce the idea that sexual assault of any kind is wrong .... in every case. The numbers on this thread are sad.

[Control-Z]

111. I've experienced sexual violence

on so many levels and so many times in my life that I've actually forgotten about some of them until, for one reason or another, I've been reminded.

[MrMickeysMom]

114. You never forget these experiences...

I have a story of my own, 10 years old, and too frozen with fear to know what was going to happen next.

Unfortunately, a family "friend" (my mother newly widowed) was trusted to pick me up at the theater and drop me off home. All I remember thinking is how creepy was it to sit up front and not understand what was going on, which was eventual groping from my knees to just before my crotch. He never got there somehow.

And... I never said anything about it to my mom until adulthood!

It's rather strange that a young girl should have to suppress this reaction, but many do and I did. It's terrible that girls don't feel the need to speak for themselves. They become women who don't stand UP for themselves. I learned a lot from that time and from other ways of being challenged. There are good men, but when there are not good men, they have to be ostracized right the hell out of office and we have to start an anti-dumbing down crusade so that we quit producing more of them.

I'm not standing for any of this anymore. I has been is and promises to continuing being a war on women. I didn't survive and grow into a healthy adult so that I could sit back and freeze up again.

Thanks for letting me blow this shit off. It was the right time!

[zazen]

115. I punched a groper in the face at '83 NC State NCAA b'ball celebration

I was 16. He chased me through the crowd, calling me an "f-ing bitch," and I got away. I've been violated many times before then and after (mostly gropings and attempted rapes), including another guy who tried to date rape me that night as he drove us back from NC State to Carolina, but I relish the fact that at 16 I instinctively punched that motherfu**er in the face, which was the absolute LAST thing he expected when he grabbed my ass in April 83 at a gathering of 50k people.

I will NEVER forget the look on this face, and those of the guys standing around him. I think I broke his nose, and I've never regretted it for a second.

[handmade34]

117. I have

and did sheltering for abused women in my house for many years... oh, the stories

always broke my heart when the women would return for a second stay... especially when kids were involved

[femmocrat]

118. I have never talked about my experience.

And I never will.

[Le Taz Hot]

121. If you ever decide to change your mind,

you can see there are MANY of us who have experienced sexual violence so there would be nothing but understanding. You are not alone.

[femmocrat]

228. Thank you, I appreciate that.

This thread has been very emotional.

[jillan]

125. I haven't either.

[femmocrat]

229. Thanks, jillan.

back

[Overseas]

123. Not me. I didn't fight back. So I had no physical bruises.

And I didn't tell anyone til much later.

[azurnoir]

128. not me either

it was in the mid 80's I did fight back there were 3 assailants, I was walking home from a bus stop a short distance from my house, the worst part of this actually was the cops who when I called them (right after I got home) were sympathetic, they were a female with a younger male partner , but then my husband entered the room and that all changed as you see I and my assailants are White, my husband is Black the female cop looked at my husband, elbowed her partner with this get a load of that look, the next question out of her mouth was - was my REAL problem that they had refused to pay or what? needless to say things went down hill from there

a few years after that I was reading City Pages a local publication, there was an article about a female cop who was telling all about being a women on the Mpls police department, I instantly recognized her as the cop who had been my home she said that when she was first on the squad she was partnered with a Black copand rumors about them having a sexual relationship were flying around so she changed her partner and 'did things' to prove them wrong and that she may have mishandled cases in order to protect her 'honor', ya I guess she did at that

[kandkfunk]

129. So many

I was assaulted when I was 13 by someone I thought was my friend. The sad thing is, he probably didn't think he did anything wrong. I wouldn't know though because I never spoke to him again. My daughter is now 14 and I worry and wonder how I can protect her.

I am sure there are plenty of women who have never experienced sexual violence, but most of us know someone who has. And, for every woman you know about, there are probably several other women in your lives that have remained silent. I tried telling some of my friends and they either didn't believe me or thought it was my fault. Even at 13. The only person who believed me was the man who eventually became my husband. To this day, none of my other family members are aware. At this point, it would probably cause too much pain to bring it up. My only hope is that I can have an open and honest relationship with my daughter and son so they will never be afraid to talk to me.

[Rozlee]

130. Not sexually assaulted per se;

sexually harassed in the military and civilian workplace though. Worked a lot of minimum wage jobs back in the 80s during the Reagan recession and trying to launch a sexual harassment lawsuit against an employer was both a waste of time and pretty counterproductive. In a tight economy where minimum wage jobs were filled the moment someone quit, I really felt I had no choice but to suck it up and tell them I had herpes, invented a cop boyfriend and all the other defense mechanisms women use to smack down assholes. I had to grit my teeth through a lot of groping and offensive commentary, but I had children to support. I had a good support system in the military with other Army and civilian women who knew who all the jerk superiors were, but the good 'ol boy system sometimes made it a waste of time to complain about it too. Tailhook changed a few things for awhile. But, now, with the high testosterone of war in a combat theater, sexual harassment has turned deadly for so many of our young military women. I fear for my daughter in uniform.

[aquart]

131. I said no, but he didn't listen.

So I gave in to keep it from hurting.

Turned into a block of ice for six months. Until I melted in a night of tears that stopped at dawn.

[TeeYiYi]

135. ...

TYY

[Lisa0825]

132. Multiple times....

Starting with my first sexual experience - date rape. Then 2 incidents of sexual harassment at 2 different work places. Also been groped by strangers in clubs, but oh, they're just "having some fun!" What's my problem????

[Jennicut]

133. I was molested when I was 12 by a family friend.

And then a year later when I was 13 by a neighbor. My sister- in- law was raped at college in the late 90's. My mother-in-law's sister was raped right outside her house after taking a walk in the 70's. There are so many incidents here on DU it just makes me incredibly sad.

[seabeyond]

136. i cannot give a hug to every person on this thread, or every person who is reading and has

Last edited Fri Aug 24, 2012, 03:14 AM - Edit history (1)

experienced this pain.

though i appreciate every story shared.

there will always be the majority fighting for the people that go thru this, fighting those that dismiss or ignore or justify the behavior.

i felt the need to say, i read every story and will continue to. i just cant do a personal reach out to each. but, you are all heard.

[vietnam_war_vet]

138. And there are men who have also been sexually assaulted

I was 10. Three 7th grader boys forced me into a very secluded thicket of bushes and gang-raped me. When the leader of the group couldn't maintain his erection, he grabbed a stick and used it to rape me. I bled profusely. They laughed and just left me there.

I went home. I told me parents what had just occurred. They took me to our family doctor. He had to put stitches inside my anal canal. I eventually healed.

I'll never forget hearing my parents tell our doctor that I had done this to myself.

The leader of that group of 7th graders was the son of the most prominent Catholic family in town. Years later, my parents told me that they had to decide against "believing me" and not doing anything against that boy or the other two boys since my Dad was afraid if he took on that prominent family, he would be blacklisted in our small town, affecting his ability to do business.

So it goes....

[freshwest]

142. The well-connected are idolized, the rest left behind. So sorry you were betrayed by all.

i understand this more than I will say. Thanks for your courage in speaking out here.

[Lilyeye]

153. It really blows my mind at how callous those kids were at such a young age

I wouldn't be a bit surprised if the same thing happened to them. Not many men are able to share these stories and I applaud you for doing so. I am especially sorry that your parents did not fight for you. I don't mean to sound judgmental towards them in anyway, I just can't even imagine what that must have felt like at 10 years old.

[yewberry]

140. Assaulted by a "friend" when I was 22-ish.

He was married, and I was able to convince him that I would tell his wife about the assault. I'm so glad I was convincing.

[southerncrone]

141. I am apparently one of the lucky ones who have not.

However, this doesn't mean I don't have sympathy & strong feelings for my sisters (& brothers) who have not been as fortunate as me, in regards to this horrible crime.

Sadly, another strong indicator of how sick our society really is.

[Liberty Belle]

146. I was attacked on a street by a large man armed with a broken bottle,

who made clear he aimed to commit rape. Thankfully I was able to scream and break free, and I consider myself lucky that I was not a victim of sexual violence. I had just gotten off work in Sacramento and was walking to a bus stop. It marked me nonetheless; I am very careful to this day, decades later, never to go alone to places where I feel at risk.

[tilsammans]

147. One of the "lucky" ones, . . .

. . . never raped. When I was about 20, I was assaulted in a dark parking lot by a stranger -- a drunken frat boy. Luckily, I was able to push him away and escape.

A few other groping incidents, one notable one in the NYC subway. I screamed, "You ASSHOLE." Didn't give a damn who heard me. I realize now that that's probably what the guy wanted. To get a reaction.

And I've endured sexual harassment by several men at several jobs. Fortunately, it was just words and never got physical, and after a number of tries, the harassment stopped when they finally got the message that I wasn't interested. Still, I felt icky.

I've known many women who WERE raped; two were incest victims. I just cannot imagine the horror.

[Aeroette]

150. I was sexually assaulted by a teenage boy when I was 8 years old.

I didn't know him, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I've always avoided stairwells since then. I have 2 friends that were date raped and another friend who was molested by her uncle throughout her childhood.

[MadrasT]

219. I am sorry that happened to you and I understand what it's like to avoid places.

And welcome to DU.

[Lilyeye]

152. I am 25 years old, but I have been fortunate to not go through molestation or rape

I have been touched in a crowd multiple times and I was sexually harassed by a boy in my class when I was in the 4th grade. He would say very sexual things to me on a daily basis. The things this kid would say shouldn't have come out of a 9 year old's mouth. It was the most humiliating experience ever and I felt ashamed about it. I wish I had of told my mother because she would have done all she could to get that kid punished by the school. She knows how it feels to be violated because she was molested as a child and was almost raped three times in her teens. Also, my sister was gang raped by a group of boys when she was 15 at her friend's house. I truly commend each and everyone of you for sharing your stories and being courageous. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes reading this thread because all of the stories have touched me deeply.

[DFW]

154. My wife, although not technically a member of DU, can claim that

Maybe that's why, after 38 years together, her smile is still so radiant. There are few 60-year old women who smile like she does:

[IMG][/IMG]

[defacto7]

155. I am so sorry

to hear all the pain and sadness. I just don't understand why humans can be so selfish and ugly. I'm a man, middle aged, 3 kids, raised in a family of 5. It wasn't a perfect upbringing. My mother died and dad took care of us. We had no abuse, just a caring dad and the luck to never be put in an abusive situation. We were raised without religious teaching and all of us turned out to be atheists... so there goes the religious morality theory. We were taught to respect all humans beings, all living things and the planet, respect personal space and learn from everyone and everything. We were especially taught that we were no better and no worse than anyone else and to fight for freedom and human rights.

As an adult, it is very hard for me to even imagine the horrible things you all have experienced and I hope I can teach my kids to be gentle, understanding and respectful so to continue to break the cycle of human cruelty that so pervades the world.

My love to all of you.

[xxqqqzme]

156. I was lucky.

I was able to escape from my attacker. Was in the college library parking lot. I went in the next day to report it. Was met w/ the a completely detached remark, 'Gee you're the 4th girl this WEEK to report this happening'.

[sarge43]

157. No physical violence, more humiliation and harassment than I care to think about.

for everyone who has.

[a la izquierda]

158. Date raped.

By a guy I was seeing. He drugged my drink. I think he knew I was about to stop dating him.

[lunatica]

159. I was sexually molested when I was six

It messes you up forever unless you face it and deal with it, but that takes decades. The first thing that needs to be done is to stop keeping it a shameful secret.

[FlaGranny]

161. I am one of the lucky ones.

Had a couple of incidents. When I was about 8 I got off the schoolbus in front of my house and an old guy in a Cadillac tried to coax me into his car. I ran. Another incident riding a crowded city bus where a guy was rubbing himself against me and I should have poked him in the nose, but I didn't do anything. I'm still sorry I didn't and that was 50 years ago.

Other than those two incidents I have never experienced violence of any kind. My family life was great. None of the boys in school tried anything. I married at 17, a kind, gentle young man 5 years older than me, who became ill and died at the age of 30. Then I met my present husband of 46 years, also a kind and gentle man.

I had some dates in between first and second husbands. Some of them were a bit persistent but always respected my wishes in the end. I always felt I had a "sixth sense" when it comes to people. I get a "feeling" and I always respected that feeling.

I've been pretty lucky too. I spent several years working on a military base and some years working in the city (a very dangerous one) and walking to bus stops, etc., with the only incidents being occasional men hooting and whistling at me.

The combination of my sixth sense about people and good luck got me through okay. I wish everyone could have been as lucky as I have been.

[Mad_Dem_X]

165. I haven't (I'm 45).

I guess I've been lucky.

[Larkspur]

168. I'll be 51 next week and I haven't experienced any sexual violence

[sinkingfeeling]

171. Been groped by coworkers and date rape.

[MadrasT]

174. Where to start?

Groped as an adolescent by strange (much older) men in public. (At J.C. Penney's, hosiery department to be specific. Also at the train station in Amsterdam. And several other times in crowds.)

Sexually assaulted by acquaintances at least 3 times. I fled the building each time, once I walked home 10 miles in the middle of the night on country roads. That was stupid, I could have been attacked on the road, but I was desperate to get away from the attacker and get home.

Date raped once.

Partner raped, multiple times.

I chose partners poorly. That doesn't excuse them, but I have learned to cut ties quickly if I discover a man thinks he has a "right" to my body any time he pleases. Oh no he does not. The first time my boundary gets violated would be THE LAST TIME now.

[lapislzi]

175. Exactly. Starting at age 11.

Diddled by creepy pediatrician.

Date raped more than once after bad judgment and ill-advised consumption of alcohol.

Sexual violence in my first marriage. Husband got his control freak on and his kinky kicks.

Sexually harassed by gross remarks in the workplace. Apparently, my "rack" is especially noteworthy. Since I can't wear gunny sacks to work and my breasts travel with me wherever I go, this is an occupational hazard.

Pinched, poked, and patted every time I work a trade show, because I guess I'm part of the merchandise if I'm wearing a skirt.

[MadrasT]

181. I am so sorry.

And I spent way too many years thinking, "That's just how men are, so I have to live with it because I have tits."

Oh hell no. Just HELL no. I don't even fucking THINK so.

It is NOT OK and there is NO excuse.

[lapislzi]

183. Thank you, MadrasT

I deal as best I can, as we all do. I always make a point of giving "the chat" to new female hires so they know who to look out for.

The older I get, the bolder I get. Someday I'm gonna call one of these assholes on his assholery (provided it won't get me fired.) "Hey! Why'n'cha use that fancy phone and take a picture! It'll last longer. Here, I'll flash 'em for ya." (Flashing my 51-year-old baby-chewed boobs...not quite what they had in mind, I'm sure.)

[seabeyond]

190. Oh hell no. Just HELL no.

[GaYellowDawg]

200. Not a woman, but

I was in one of those honors societies at a small college, that works at various public functions of the college. After one fundraising dinner, a particularly wealthy donor was posing with two of us. All of us wore dress jackets. He slipped his arm under the jacket for the picture, and just after the picture was taken, slid his hand down and grabbed my ass. I was so surprised that I didn't respond except for a look of shock. He just grinned and walked away. Making any kind of fuss on the spot or later was not an option because he was one of the largest contributors to the college, and my dad taught there.

The other person who was posing with the groper was female, and she saw my expression. She said, "Hey, come here" and got me into an empty part of the room and said, "He grabbed your ass, didn't he?" I said yes, and she said he did it to a lot of people he posed with. Then it hit me: I said, "Holy shit, y'all have to go through this kind of thing all the time, don't you?" She said yes. Having had a lot of strong women in my extended family, I'd been raised to be hands-off, but I'd just been following the rules when I was hands-off. From that point on, I've been hands-off because of the insight. I'm just lucky that such a minor thing was done to me.

On edit: lapislzi, I'm sorry, I meant to put this as a reply to the OP, not to your reply. You've been through more than I can imagine, and I'm sorry for it.

[seabeyond]

202. isnt that interesting. thank you for sharing this perspective.

i think a lot of women feel this in conversation with men, and it is very frustrating. i think knowing this point of view of yours can also give us insight that allows us to be more patient. thank you for taking the time to share this.

[AllyCat]

179. While I have not, I know many who have.

Just the threat is bad enough to live with. I cannot imagine what it is like for my sisters (and brothers) of the world who live with this pain.

May peace find you all.

[KitSileya]

180. Sad to say, I have

Starting with being held on the laps of three neighborhood boys and tickled so that everyone thought I was enjoying it, because, after all, I was laughing.

Ending with a guy I thought I was becoming friends with holding my head with his hands and trying forcefully to french kiss me while I desperately kept my lips closed. SO angry I didn't do anything else, but I was just so surprised - I wasn't flirting or anything but smiling and being willing to discuss things with him.

In between, well.....


I think most women have experienced incidents where men have assumed they have the right to a woman's attention/digits/smile/whathaveyou and have become aggressive when denied. You're so pretty turns to Don't flatter yourself, you ugly bitch pretty quick then. And that is sexual violence, ladies and gentlemen.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

182. Thankfully rape, no -

but all sorts of sexually unwanted events for a good 20+ years of my life. Everything from men exposing themselves to being rubbed up against on crowed buses to one man ejaculating on my car window after a concert. Men can do disgusting things to women.

Sexual victims (and I include men in this) need all the legal protections they can get, and to know our society does not condone those types of acts. Ever.

[Alduin]

184. I'm a male and I experienced sexual violence.

It's not only women who experience it.

When I was two years old, my step-grandmother would bring me to her ex-husband's house and he would molest me and take pictures of me. Two fucking years old.

[seabeyond]

195. really.... most all women

get that men and especially young boys are raped and assaulted, too. if you look at the world today, and the sex slave trade, young boys are very much a part of this horrible, horrible part of our history, that so many ignore.

i think the only plus of sandusky, and really the media coverage, was shaming those that turn their heads away from the pain of our boys.

[MuseRider]

185. Yes, have been assaulted.

Started when I was just a kid. Still after that I did not have the sense to know that I was not protected by the innate goodness of others and various amounts and forms of it have occurred from time to time. Was grabbed by a man driving a car one early morning when the hospital I worked for decided that the nurses had to park away from the hospital. Everyone was scared and bothered. The guy drove by and grabbed me and drug me for a little while until I shook loose and ran. I know how to fight, rape never happened once I grew enough to know it was OK for me to fight back. Many of us are taught at a young age that it is not OK to fight back. My major aftereffect is that I become frightened at night. I must lock myself in the house and I can't go out, even way out here on the farm. What I don't get done before the sun goes down does not get done. Irrational maybe but it can't be helped, I am never comfortable when it is dark. When I have to be out at night, and I do frequently, I am terrified until I get to my car and lock the doors.

I don't talk about it in my life with others but I don't know very many women who have not felt violated in one way or another.

[G_j]

191. K&R

[solara]

196. I have slowly been learning to deal with my memories

But I wish I had known more growing up, I wish my mother had known better how to protect me. She raised me alone, and I think somehow that made me a target. This whole Akin thing has re-ignited the memories of many events that I had suppressed and now I can understand much more about them than I did although these realizations are quite painful.

[luvspeas]

201. I have not...

And for me to think that I have would be callous to the women who truly have.

[TwilightGardener]

204. I have never experienced it.

[Lunabelle]

207. Sorry to report I was almost date raped

Thank God I was able to defend myself. (I'm not a small woman) I got away. I never reported it. I was 17 and if he ever raped another woman I am so fucking sorry I let him get away with what he did to me. We didn't report date rape in the 70's. There was no such thing. It was called, "getting frisky" or "You asked for it".

[LiberalEsto]

208. In college I fought off a rapist by kneeing him in the balls, HARD

I escaped because my roommate heard my yells, opened the door of our dorm room and locked it behind me. We pushed dressers against the wall and leaned on them as he pounded on the door. I yelled, "Get out or I'll call the cops." He left.

This was in 1970, when women were afraid to report rapes for fear of being accused of leading guys on. I felt bad that I didn't report it, and remained ashamed of not reporting the incident for many years.

In the 1990s I met Marty Langelan at a women's self-defense workshop in Maryland. She was collecting stories for a book on women successfully fighting off rapists, and used my story, though she changed my name. She told me I should feel proud that I fought back and got away. The book is called "Back Off", but I don't know if it's still in print. http://www.amazon.com/Back-Off-Confront-Harassment-Harassers/dp/0671788566?tag=duckduckgo-d-20

[s-cubed]

209. I have not been a victim of sexual violence, but

Someone close to me was. Also I have experIenced sexual harassment myself.

[stevenleser]

211. Every woman I have asked about the subject says they have been.

Very sad.

[davsand]

213. I think that you are correct that most women have experienced some sort of sexual violence.

For some of us it is a matter of which time are you wanting to know about--because it is multiple instances in our lives.

It might have been something like being grabbed or fondled, for some it might have been a violent sexual assault or a date rape. Some experienced it as a child, and for some it may have been multiple incidents over our lifetime with different offenders. In many (if not most) cases there is an element of self doubt present when it comes down to it. There's a question in our own minds of "Did I invite this, somehow?" or "What could I have done differently?" Sometimes it comes down to the feeling that "I was stupid and it was my own fault for getting into that situation." Maybe drugs or booze played a role, maybe it was youth or naivete.

I'm not going to go into a lot of detail on my own life, but I will admit that I have experienced more than one event of sexual violence. I carry that with me as a part of my life experience, and it does color how I view the world. It doesn't define me, but it is always there and always will be. It is inescapable.

I don't feel that I mourn those events for my own sake any more, but I will tell you that I look at my 15 year old daughter, and I worry for her. I just saw her with her (former, I am happy to report) 15 year old boyfriend and his hands were (in my opinion as her mom) entirely too free. While I have faith in her--that she is strong enough to stand on her own--I really worry about the toll it takes on her self esteem that a male who claims to care about her was so uncaring about her preferences and her desires. What kind of message is she getting from that? I've tried to instill the "No means NO" message but even so--will she carry that forward or will she be like a lot of other women that question their own behavior wondering if they somehow provoked things by not being emphatic enough...

I don't think it is only the males we need to educate, if I'm being dead honest. I dunno what the workable answer actually is, but it seems to me that if we have a majority of women that can actually self report violations of differing degrees, there is a systemic or societal issue.


Laura

[lilymidnite]

214. Molested by a stranger when I was 12

Victimized by a peeping Tom as an adult, which -- while not violent -- felt horrible.

I never reported the molestation.

[noiretextatique]

216. not me, and not most of the women i know

i was attacked at age 19 by a former neighbor. a friend from college was drugged and gang-raped repeatedly from age 8 to 11. another was molested repeatedly by her cousin from age 5 to 10. another friend was kidnapped and murdered by her husband. both my sisters were in abusive relationships. i could go on, but suffice it to say: it happens way too often.

[lark]

223. Probably all of us have faced violence from a man

or for the lucky ones, maybe just a threat of violence.

[Arugula Latte]

224. Why do so many men hate women?

A sizable portion of the male population of the world either despises women, feels contempt for them, and/or feels entitled to control women through violent or non-violent means. Look at the Republican platform. Look at religion -- a basic premise of the major three religions is to control women. Look at the way women are treated in most of the world.

My question is, why?

P.S. Even most of the "good" and non-violent men I've known in my life have had a somewhat controlling attitude, sort of like they feel entitled to have the last word or make the decisions or call the shots, albeit in a somewhat subtle way.

[BethWolven]

225. It started before my 2nd birthday...

and continued until my early teens. Wish I could say it was just one person - but that would be a lie. I told my mother and my grandmother what was happening; they accused me of lying and told me to be quiet. I attempted suicide at 8 in an attempt to end the pain...

I was raped at 15 by the captain of the football team; he bound my hands with athletic tape because he liked the way it made HIM feel. I was so afraid of him that I never told anyone; years later I found out I was only one of many.

Raped by an acquaintance the night of my high school graduation - tried so much to talk him out of it... I wasn't successful. Spent two years in college in a haze of alcohol, still trying to deaden the pain & fear - but of course that doesn't work.

I finally started counseling at the age of 30 - I'm really not sure how I even made it that far, but I know without it I would not be here today. My daughter is 27 and despite everything I'd told her & taught her since childhood... she was assaulted by a high school boyfriend. He tried taking things much further than she wanted and wouldn't accept her "NO"; she got out of the rapidly worsening situation by threatening to tell me. Who knew that "I'll tell my mother" could be an effective deterrent? Nervous laughter aside, it was a terrifying moment for her and one I pray she will never experience again.

The sad, sad truth is that the number of women and men who have never experienced sexual violence are vastly outweighed by the number who have. May it someday change.

[Nay]

227. Been stalked twice; been nearly raped in my living room; boob/butt grabbed by strangers a

couple of times; car full of drunk men tried to run me off road as I drove back to college one night; and an attacker tried to pull me out of my car window as I sat in a parking lot waiting for my roommate to get off work. I fought them all off successfully, so I was damned lucky.

So many women weren't that lucky.

[Bluerthanblue]

230. no.. sadly

we are everywhere.

[SweetieD]

231. I'm in my mid 30s. I've never experienced any sexual violence, molestation, any violence period.

I had a pretty regular and boring childhood, teenage and college years. I've never been hit or attacked in my life by anyone. Not even sure how I would react if that happened. Never even got spanked.

[GobBluth]

233. Sadly I don't even know if this counts

was 14. Twice a family friend just a year older came over and tried pushing me into my room and grabbing my vagina. I knew what was going to happen if I couldn't stop it. For some reason I said "I have my period" (I didn't), and that made him leave me alone. No doubt I would have been raped. He scared the shit out of me, was much bigger and stronger, and I know I would have been too scared of him to tell anyone.

He moved soon after.

I have experienced lots of sexual harassment.

I hope it's different for my daughter and sons.

[redqueen]

234. Is anyone else having trouble sleeping since this started?

I'm loathe to say anything, don't want to give any ammo to the 'who hurt you' contingent... but I'm having a hard time so I'm just going to say it. Maybe it will help or maybe I'll delete it.

Five individuals, one repeatedly, for years. And that's not including the ex, who didn't 'rape rape' me, but he did ruin the very idea of sex for a long, king time. He begged and pressured and cajoled and blackmailed and even one of our marriage counselors helped with his efforts, by suggesting we make formal agreements to 'get things we want'.

Why do men want to have sex with women who don't want them? What is wrong with these men?

Also can you imagine a thread about sexual harassment... we could fill a damn book. A War and Peace sized book.