In a Mass Knife Fight to the Death Between Every American President, Who Would Win and Why?
There can be only one -- and that one would be Teddy! No doubt about it. Who would be your picks? You can find Geoff Micks ranking, with detailed explanations, at the link.
To begin, here were the original conditions of the hypothetical, as suggested by the redditor Xineph:
- Every president is in the best physical and mental condition they were ever in throughout the course of their presidency. Fatal maladies have been cured, but any lifelong conditions or chronic illnesses (e.g. FDR’s polio) remain.
- The presidents are fighting in an ovular arena 287 feet long and 180 feet wide (the dimensions of the [1] Roman Colosseum). The floor is concrete. Assume that weather is not a factor.
- Each president has been given one standard-issue [2] Gerber LHR Combat Knife , the knife [3] presented to each graduate of the United States Army Special Forces Qualification Course. Assume the presidents have no training outside any combat experiences they may have had in their own lives.
- There is no penalty for avoiding combat for an extended period of time. Hiding and/or playing dead could be valid strategies, but there can be only one winner. The melee will go on as long as it needs to.
- FDR has been outfitted with a [4] Bound Plus H-Frame Power Wheelchair, and can travel at a maximum speed of around 11.5 MPH. The wheelchair has been customized so that he is holding his knife with his dominant hand. This is to compensate for his almost certain and immediate defeat in the face of an overwhelming disadvantage.
- Each president will be deposited in the arena regardless of their own will to fight, however, personal ethics, leadership ability, tactical expertise etc., should all be taken into account. Alliances are allowed.
Link: http://faceintheblue.wordpress.com/2012/08/22/in-a-mass-knife-fight-to-the-death-between-every-american-president-who-would-win-and-why
= new reply since forum marked as read
Well, you know 
Meaner than cat's meat and a dirty fighter.
If it came down to those three (Jackson, Lincoln, and Jackson), Lincoln would lose because he was too tall. A knife is a close in weapon. TR would lose because he would be too big and slow. Death of a thousand cuts.Sort of a Leroy Jenkins move, only deadly.
All of what you guys said!
He was a mean old son of a bitch and he knew how to use blades.
Last edited Wed Aug 29, 2012, 10:47 PM - Edit history (1)
would have gotten.
He was also younger.
If we assume he was in the best physical shape possible then his back condition might not be an issue. I'm not really sure if your "Fatal maladies have been cured, but any lifelong conditions or chronic illnesses" applies or not so I am going to assume his back condition is not an issue since it was not really lifelong and also was not an illness.
An alliance with Johnson. Eisenhower and Nixon might even be a possibility. He could then finish off any of the older guys if they survived to be there at the end.
Youth, training, experience and possible allies makes me think JFK would win.
Editing to add videos and such.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_F_Kennedy
^snip^
Military service
Main article: Motor Torpedo Boat PT-109
In September 1941, after medical disqualification by the Army for his chronic lower back problems, Kennedy joined the U.S. Navy, with the influence of the director of the Office of Naval Intelligence, former naval attaché to Joseph Kennedy.[19] Kennedy was an ensign serving in the office of the Secretary of the Navy when the attack on Pearl Harbor occurred. He attended the Naval Reserve Officer Training Corps and Motor Torpedo Boat Squadron Training Center, was assigned duty in Panama and later in the Pacific theater, where he earned the rank of lieutenant, commanding a patrol torpedo (PT) boat.[20]
On August 2, 1943, Kennedy's boat, PT-109, along with PT-162 and PT-169, were performing nighttime patrols near New Georgia in the Solomon Islands,[21] when PT-109 was rammed by the Japanese destroyer Amagiri.[22] Kennedy gathered his surviving crew members together in the water around the wreckage, to vote on whether to "fight or surrender". Kennedy stated, "There's nothing in the book about a situation like this. A lot of you men have families and some of you have children. What do you want to do? I have nothing to lose." Shunning surrender, the men swam towards a small island.[23] Kennedy, despite re-injury to his back in the collision, towed a badly burned crewman through the water with a life jacket strap clenched between his teeth.[24] He towed the wounded man to the island, and later to a second island, from where his crew was subsequently rescued.[25] For these actions, Kennedy received the Navy and Marine Corps Medal with the following citation:
For extremely heroic conduct as Commanding Officer of Motor Torpedo Boat 109 following the collision and sinking of that vessel in the Pacific War Theater on August 1–2, 1943. Unmindful of personal danger, Lieutenant (then Lieutenant, Junior Grade) Kennedy unhesitatingly braved the difficulties and hazards of darkness to direct rescue operations, swimming many hours to secure aid and food after he had succeeded in getting his crew ashore. His outstanding courage, endurance and leadership contributed to the saving of several lives and were in keeping with the highest traditions of the United States Naval Service.
In October 1943, Kennedy took command of a PT boat converted into a gun boat, PT-59, which took part in a Marine rescue on Choiseul Island that November.[26] Kennedy then left PT-59, and returned to the United States in early January 1944. After receiving treatment for his back injury, he was released from active duty in late 1944.[27] Kennedy was honorably discharged in early 1945, just prior to Japan's surrender. Kennedy's other decorations in World War II included the Purple Heart, American Defense Service Medal, American Campaign Medal, Asiatic-Pacific Campaign Medal with three bronze service stars, and the World War II Victory Medal.[1] When later asked how he became a war hero, Kennedy joked: "It was easy. They cut my PT boat in half.
The Gerber Knife mentioned in the OP (unless I am mistaken)
WW2 Trench Knife similar to that shown in the first video
I read the op and my money was on Eisenhower! I think it would be he, Andy Jackson, and T.R. at the end of the day. My grandfather was a personal attache of his of a sort at the close of World War II. He was very clear - that man had blood as cold as ice. He would have sliced his own mother's throat if she had been a Nazi.
stop my manic cackling
That's right, Washington would go after Taft right away with the knowledge that he could turn him into valuable meat armor to continue the fight against the other presidents. Should they come close to breaching the Taft, Washington could pop his head out of Taft's chest cavity, distracting and horrifying them long enough to land a fatal blow before moving onto the next.
It may be difficult to imagine George Washington gore-wigged and manipulating the corpse of a dead man from the inside in order to do battle but we must not forget the Washington family motto: "Exitus Acta Probat" ("The Ends Justify The Means"
PB
My boy George does understand tactics!!
out of my head
Last edited Thu Aug 30, 2012, 02:43 PM - Edit history (1)
Who would it be? 
We're talking Truman, Ike, Kennedy, LBJ, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush I, Clinton, Bush II, and Obama.
He really is one of my top 5 or so favorite presidents.
He was a fascinating character, and a very unusual and interesting human being.
I've read the Edmund Morris trilogy, among other things, so I do know a little about him.
However...
He was a New York Dandy.
I can say that, because I'm a bit of a New York Dandy myself.
Takes one to know one, or something.
Actually, I'm more of an old hipster than a dandy, but we're all pretty similar.
Teddy killed small animals.
And big ones too.
He did it out of scientific curiosity, not out of machismo.
Yes, he was tough, the kind of guy who would give a speech after getting shot in the chest.
His "toughness" was a response to being a sickly child.
And here's the part that will likely piss off my fellow TR fans:
The "rough ride" up San Juan Hill was the late 19th century version of Dubya's "Mission Accomplished" landing on that aircraft carrier.
This outfit:
was TR's version of Dubya's flight suit codpiece.
The whole Rough Rider adventure was for show.
The Spanish-American War was the Iraq War of its day, complete with media mogul liar, Hearst = Murdoch. The Cuban part was the equivalent of Shock and Awe, and the pulling down of the Saddam statue. The Philippines part was like what happened after Saddam.
Sorry, Teddy was brilliant but flawed.
I suppose my point here, in summing up, is this:
Andrew Jackson would totally and completely kick Teddy's ass in a knife fight!
