My 14 y/o godson asked me recently, how do you know if you are gay?

[MoonRiver]

I am almost as close to him as his mother, but maybe safer to talk with about such matters. Anyway, I said I didn't really know, but I think the best way is to go with your heart. Should I say anything else? Was what I said ok?

[empedocles]

1. Easy to research, and be more carefully helpful. Could save a lot of anxiety all around. imo

[Funtatlaguy]

2. Buy him a Playboy & a Playgirl, see which he opens.

Then tell him that he is loved no matter what.

[MoonRiver]

7. Well he knows that 100%.

I didn't say it because I wasn't sure he was coming out. Seems very curious about Buttigieg.

[Funtatlaguy]

10. If he's gay, Mayor Pete would be a great role model.

[cwydro]

30. Being gay is really not just about sex.

It’s just not.

[mahatmakanejeeves]

3. Tell him that no matter what conclusion he reaches, you love him.

Even in 2019, this is a tough thing to know about yourself. Let him know you'll be there to support him.

[MoonRiver]

9. We're a very liberal family and have gay friends. He knows this.

But if he ever comes out, of course I will embrace his choice.

[Hortensis]

22. Tell him anyway. Btw, in a world dominated by either-or

talk (maybe the one he's growing up in isn't?), does he know many people are attracted to various degrees to both sexes? Not long ago, when we were admiring a football player's derriere, a friend's septuagenarian husband agreed even he could understand wanting a bite of that.

[StarryNite]

23. I wouldn't use the word "choice"

I think we are what we are. I'm straight, I never once pondered which I wanted to "choose" to be.

[MoonRiver]

26. You are correct.

I don't know if he is just curious or if this is something real to him. Doesn't matter to me. I just want him to be happy!

[StarryNite]

35. Exactly!

And to feel free to be who he is without letting other people define him.

[cwydro]

31. It's not a choice.

Trust me on this.

[Polybius]

4. I would just say you know if you are attracted to the same sex

Simple and to the point.

[Arkansas Granny]

11. An honest question deserves an honest answer. Just keep it simple.

If he wants to know more, he knows he can ask you.

[unblock]

18. i would not go with that, because it can be tough to sort out feelings.

there are different kinds of love and attraction. it can be difficult to know if you are attracted to someone as a friend or as a sexual partner, especially when such feelings are new and changing due to these novel hormones coursing through your veins.

it can also be confusing because feelings aren't determined solely based on gender. i'm a straight male, but that hardly means i'm attracted to every woman on the planet.


yes, plenty of people know what they are feeling and struggle more with denial/acceptance or keeping it private/coming out. but others just find the whole thing confusing. it can take time to sort it out. in some cases, people don't know until they've tried it.

hell, some people don't figure it out until they're in their 60s.

as others have noted, the most important thing is to over-communicate love and support throughout no matter what.

[jberryhill]

5. .

[maxsolomon]

6. He's in puberty

He already knows what he's thinking about sexually. Do you think about kissing boys or girls?

Odds are he is thinking about girls. It's like 95% probable he's straight.

[MoonRiver]

12. Yes, but he may be confused. It happens.

Whatever, my husband (his godfather) and I completely adore him.

[maxsolomon]

14. Sure. Sexuality is a spectrum.

Kids get a lot of the "it's ok if you're gay" messaging now, so confusion probably abounds. I am happy about it; the worst part of being a gay kid is homophobic kids.

What I learned going to an Arts High School in the 70s is that it's fairly obvious if a kid is gay - though not to that kid until their sexuality really activates. I thought my next-door neighbor was probably gay when he was in elementary school. And he is.

[Dr. Strange]

8. No one really knows if they are straight or gay...

until J. K. Rowling makes the decision.

[irisblue]

13. My youngest niece is 22 &

Has 2 Moms, she now identifies herself as likely pansexual

(What do bi and pan mean? BISEXUAL means being attracted to the gender the same as your own, AND to other genders - some people use it to mean "attracted to two or more genders". ... PANSEXUAL however, means attracted to (or has the ability to be attracted to), people of ALL genders. Binary or not. from Google.)


One mom doesn't care, other mom, is a bit disgruntled. Jen started telling Moms, & occasionally Me about her feelings for people. I kept my opinions to myself, but made sure she has access to LGBTQ groups, pride matches and information about safer sex, getting her condoms, couple of dental dams.


It helps, alot, that they live on a diverse cosmopolitan city where it is possible.


At 14, he has already discovered sexual fantasy and had at least 2 erections.

The safer sex part is very important IMO, if he asks, you have to be ready to talk about ot, in detail

[Jirel]

15. Good start.

It’s not really a matter of just heart, though. For some it’s a strong and certain feeling of interest in the same sex only, and for others it takes our brain and feelings a few more times to club us over the head until we get it.

I should’ve had a clue when I got upset that my best friend had been mistreated by her prom date to be, and realized that I had the perfect solution - ask her out instead, get a tux, tent a limo, and sweep her off her feet. Then burst into tears after realizing it wasn’t going to work that way.

You know. A clue with a neon sign and cowbells ties to it.

I didn’t actually understand the clue until a couple years later, hanging out at a bar with a lesbian friend.

So it’s totally possible he could be anywhere between “I’m sure but not willing to make it official to you or the world yet,” to “I just want to take my best friend on a date and am confused about that right now.” Just be a safe place for him to discuss his feelings, if he wants to. Reassure him that it’s fine if he’s sure, and it’s also fine if he is wondering, and if so, it’ll all work itself out. He’ll be able to make that decision. He just needs to listen to how he feels and who he’s interested in. He also should, if he’s leaning toward “i’m Gay” or sure of it, start thinking about which friends he feels safe around, and so on. Coming out for a teen can be an emotional hot mess.

[elocs]

16. When my daughter was 7 we were at a Burger King when a news story on tv was about the Teletubbies

being gay. I'm in mid bite and she asks me, "What is gay?" Even though there was no way I could ever have anticipated that question at that moment I said, "That's when boys like to kiss boys, and girls like to kiss girls".
Her response: "OK".

Well 7 is not 14, but I knew when I was 7 that Laurie was the most pretty girl in the second grade and I had a total crush on her. In 1959 at that age I had no idea what straight was much less gay.
But how you feel about another person is how you feel.

[irisblue]

17. MoonRiver, you did right.

[MoonRiver]

27. Thank you irisblue!

[JonAndKatePlusABird]

19. I think it's ok

As someone who’s a gay guy, and had crushes on girls before I hit puberty, I think that what you said is fine.

Part of what made puberty so confusing was the insane amount of hormones surging through me (and everyone else), meaning almost everything is sexually arousing. You’re changing into gym clothes in locker room and you get randomly aroused...... are you thus gay? Or a just a horny teenager?

Depending on his maturity, maybe introduce him to the Kinsey scale? I think it helps to not think of sexuality as discrete buckets one falls into (gay or straight), but as a spectrum. Like I tell my friends, on a scale from 0 to 100, 0 being 100% attracted to men, I’m like a 5. Most of my straight friends would be a 95. But I know some 50/50s, some 30/70s.

But if he’s 14 he may not care, he’s just now starting the hormone roller coaster. Follow your heart, there is no one “correct” or “right” path when it comes to who you love. That and consent. That’s a very important and impressionable age, which will lay a lifelong foundation, when it comes to issues of consent and respect.

That’s great though he trusts you enough to ask. I didn’t have an adult “friend” like you are to chat with about things like that. And it’s not a matter where I’m not close with my parents or trust issues or anything like that. It just would have been.....weird?.... almost more hassle than it was worth? to bring stuff up like that with my parents. Having kind of a 3rd party non-family adult friend/mentor is always a plus in my book!

[HelpImSurrounded]

20. A question for a question

Ask if he's asking because he is attracted to someone or because he isn't attracted to anyone or that his friends seem attracted to certain people and he's not.

Besides being gay he could be bi or asexual or a late bloomer. Take it one person at a time.

[MoonRiver]

24. I'm trying not to be too pushy. I think he will tell me more when/if he's ready.

[HelpImSurrounded]

25. He doesn't have to answer but you can give him the question to answer for himself.

[irisblue]

28. Being Asexual is something I didn't think of, and you have a solid point

Welcome to DU

[MrScorpio]

21. Everything is really simple until those hormones kick in.

Ah, puberty.

[A HERETIC I AM]

29. "how do you know if you are gay?"

The same way you know if you aren't.

"Is there someone you are attracted to that you want to talk about? You can talk to me about anything or anyone you want to, and you can know that it will be strictly between us and no one else, OK?"

Let HIM answer the question.

[Runningdawg]

33. Closest to what I would have said.

Maybe too, he will come to the conclusion that some of us have, you don't actually need to choose. It's not black and white.
I would have defined myself as bisexual by the time I turned 16 although I didn't act on any of those feelings until I was 20. My first true love was a girl, my last true love is my husband of 20 years.

[roamer65]

32. Yup...follow his heart and make sure you tell him u love him no matter what.

Life is a journey and he will find the path. Main thing he needs to know is that he loved.

Let him open up to u at his pace, if he does.

[meadowlander]

34. He knows he's him.

Keep going with that and everything else will sort itself out eventually.