More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Mister Bribery Edition

[Fritz67]

Mister Bribery is a character from Chester Gould's Dick Tracy; not as famous as Flat Top or Pruneface, he nevertheless has gotten a new life as a major antagonist in the modern day Tracy strips by Mike Curtis and Joe Staton.



See? Just like Trump, Mister Bribery is all about the quid pro quo. You see, they call it "prid quo pro" nowadays because all the fancy Latin words go over the heads of Trump voters, so they don't realize what they're really defending.

Mister Bribery may not look much like Trump, granted, but...

Waitaminute...



When he's not doing that weird thing with his neck, Mister Bribery DOES kind of look like a skinny Rudy "A Noun, A Verb, Self-Incrimination" Giuliani! This is all making sense now.

Well, actually, no, it doesn't make sense because nothing has made much sense for the last three years, but it's time for our forty-first look into the world of conservative cognitive dissonance.

Reposts and Updates:

I almost made it without posting this one this time. Almost.
* Degenerate Perverts Unfit For Public Life: Joe Biden, John Conyers, John Edwards, Al Franken, Katie Hill (New), Elliot Spitzer, Anthony Wiener; Great Americans Who Believe In Family Values And Deserve A "Mulligan" or Two Or Three: Joe Barton, Herman Cain, Larry Craig, Steve DesJarlais (New), Joe Fain, Jerry Fallwell Jr, Mark Foley, Will Gardner, Newt Gingrich, Eric Greitens, Curtis Hill, Duncan Hunter, Jim Jordan, Brett Kavanaugh, Nathan Larson, Rush Limbaugh, Vance McAllister, Roy Moore, Bill O'Reilly, Bill Sanderson, Mark Sanford, David Stringer, Clarence Thomas, Donald Trump, David Vitter, and Steve Wynn (#32, Feb. 2018)

* You show how strictly you follow the Constitution by wanting to ignore the First, Fourth, Fifth, Eighth, Thirteenth, Fourteenth, Sixteenth, and Twenty-Fifth Amendments; and especially the Emoluments Clause. (#1, November 2010)

* After Donald Trump spend the entire campaign blasting Hillary Clinton for using a private email server while conducting government business, you don't see anything wrong with Trump himself deliberately hiding things on a secret server. (#28, April 2017)

* You think it's impossible for Trump to obstruct justice because he's the president. You impeached Bill Clinton for obstructing justice. (#29, July 2017)

* Impeachable offense: getting a blow job from an intern; wearing a tan suit. Not impeachable offense: conspiring with or blackmailing foreign countries to help you steal elections. (#29, July 2017)

Once more goes to show you:

* If a Republican President does it, it's not illegal.

* Donald Trump proves that he's a humble man of God by declaring himself The King of Israel and The Chosen One, then bragging about his "great and unmatched wisdom". (#40, Sept 2019)

Jesus of Nazareth and Anakin Skywalker STILL both say 'FUCK YOU!!!" to that noise, Donnie.

All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* You don't want sick immigrant children or Hurricane Dorian refugees entering the country, but have no problem with inviting the Taliban to Camp David.

* Accurate weather forecasts are not as important as not hurting Donald Trump's feelings.

* "Responsible gun ownership" = Threatening to use your gun to murder a politician who said something you don't like.

* Posing in nude pictures makes you unqualified to be a journalist ora member of Congress, but does not disqualify you from being First Lady.

* More "Acting Presidential": Getting into a Twitter war with a sixteen year-old.

* "Civility": Insulting the looks of a sixteen year old girl who has a message you don't like.

* California's air's too dirty but they shouldn't be allowed to do anything to clean it up.

* "Heroic" actions = Screeching long-debunked conspiracy theories to anyone that will listen.

Paraphrased from NanceGreggs:
* Donald Trump--who's campaign manager and personal lawyer are both in prison--is deeply concerned about rooting out corruption.

* You hounded Hillary Clinton for four years over the made up Benghazi "Scandal", and are now helping Donald Trump avoid facing the consequences of the real Ukraine scandal.

* Scandal: Hunter Biden's "lucrative business deal" in Ukraine. Not A Scandal: Donald Trump Jr, Eric Trump, and Ivanka Trump's lucrative business deals in Ireland, India, Indonesia, Uruguay, Turkey, the Philippines, China, etc.

* It's perfectly acceptable for politicians to lie on Facebook.

* "Despicable" = Enforcing Congressional subpoenas. Not Despicable = Defying Congressional Subpoenas.

* New crime: Standing IN YOUR OWN FUCKING FRONT YARD while black.

* Disgusting and immoral: Kathy Griffin posting with a fake severed head of Donald Trump. Lighthearted and hilariously funny: Violent video that ran at Trump National Doral Miami depicting Trump viciously murdering political rivals and media figures who displease him.

* Cage immigrant children, let Daesh terrorists go free.

* Even more "Acting Presidential": Throwing a rude gesture at a woman astronaut who corrects your factual error.

* You agree with Eric Trump that it's sickening how many political family members enrich themselves.

ERIC. TRUMP.

Isn't there something in that holy book all the Trump-loving Evangelicals say they follow that talks about something like this? Oh yeah, there it is, Matthew 7:5.

"Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye"

But I guess because it isn't in Two Corinthians it doesn't count...and Evangelicals are practiced at ignoring things in that book anyway.

* Republican courage: Standing up to Donald Trump...but only under a fake Twitter account. Saying you think impeachment might be warranted...then immediately announcing you won't run for reelection.

* A rich white man being held accountable for his high crimes by due process of the law and Constitution is exactly the same thing as being murdered by a hate-filled racist mob.

* $50,000,000.00 is not much money.

More Republican geography fail:
* Colorado borders Mexico.

* Boos and chants of "Lock Him Up!" are expressions of love for Donald Trump

* You think it's dreadfully unfair to boo at a man who calls his political opponents "human scum".