My mother has some seriously bad eating habits ☹

[Garion_55]

She is 80. Still wants to live on her own. Which would be fine if she had anybody in her life who checked up on her ever.

I have been staying with her mostly because I love her and I owe my life to her and wouldn't abandon her but also because if I'm not here watching her now there is nobody else.

She needs a new knee, she needs her hands fixed with surgery, maybe cataract surgery... She was in the ER four months ago cuz she was bleeding out and nobody knew why.

She could improve her health a thousand percent if she would just eat better though and it kills me watching that she refuses to.

She still buys food like she is raising a family of four kids which she did at one point brilliantly.

You go through her kitchen and it's amazing how much food is there she just will never eat.

If I start throwing out old expired food she freaks out and considers it a waste of food and I try explaining to her don't buy that much in the first place but she just doesn't get it.

Last night was almost the Last Straw. Every Christmas she makes way too many Christmas cookies, most of them don't get eaten, so she ends up putting them in the freezer and pulling them out Weeks Later a couple at a time and microwaving them.

To me that's just nasty to eat a cookie that old in the freezer ...microwave.... no it's not happening. But I can't tell her that

Last night she put a couple cookies in the microwave and pressed the wrong button and ended up burning them stinking the whole house up and what did she do? She still dug through and picked out the parts of the cookie she could still eat because it would be a waste to throw them away.

So yeah I don't know what to do at this point. If I mention anything about food she considers it me insulting her ragging on her pressuring her shaming her when I'm just trying to get her to eat better.

☹

[treestar]

1. She was a child in the years after the Depression

I think in that age group maybe they recall the fear of not having enough.

[CousinIT]

3. +1

It's sad when parents end up being like a child you need to keep an eye on. She's lucky to have someone who cares about her. Please try to take care of and look out for yourself too.

[3Hotdogs]

8. Less likely. The depression was ending by 1937. There certainly were parts of the economy and the

country that experienced poverty. Hell, even today.

Psychological depression could also be a factor with not getting medical care. I rejected some medial surgery because I don't want the pain from recovery and I just don't give a shit if I die.

[treestar]

11. The mentality still lingered

even if it lifted, those who lived through it would be thrifty from then on, likely for life, worried it could happen again. I think of those in my family who are in that age group, they were worse off than those who were adults in the Depression, since you are kind of helpless as a child.

[procon]

33. But WWII brought on extreme food rationing.

In her era, households were forced to be frugal just to put the bare necessities on the table. She's not many years ahead of me and I share many of the same habits as a scratch cook feeding a large family. Old habits are are to adjust and I now do batch cooking, making the same large recipes, but portioning them out in small servings in the freezer. It works for me.

More important than the cooking is making adjustments to eats healthier recipes with ingredients having less fats, salts, meats and carbs, etc. Who does the meal planning and shopping? That's where any change will start. Stop buying large quantities of food, like no more 10lbs of potatoes when you can buy a few separately, or smaller pkgs of staple foods. Also replace all those giant family sized cookware with smaller pieces... Really makes a difference.

[Arkansas Granny]

2. Pick your battles. If she is still living independently at 80, her eating habits

are probably not life threatening, even if they could stand improvement. To me, it doesn't sound like arguments over food are likely to change her habits.

[Vinca]

4. If you make it to 80 you ought to be able to eat what you want.

I know you mean well, but chill. A microwaved cookie isn't going to do her in.

[marybourg]

10. I'm close to her age and

although I don't behave in the same way, I don't see anything so terrible here either. OP- try to enjoy her while you have her.

[diva77]

38. +1000 This. Please try to shrug off the old battles and look for simple fun things to do with her

that you both can enjoy.

[Stinky The Clown]

41. Best advice in the thread!

I'm a couple of years behind you.

[braddy]

5. You could be describing me except for the age, I buy quantities, cook in quantity, corn bread, cake,

beans, biscuits etc. and freeze much of it for later, especially during the summer, and I have learned to ignore most of what people think are "expiration dates".

[Ohiogal]

6. I have been there

Take it from me, you are not going to win this battle.

My late mother who was diabetic and took insulin injections insisted that “I’m old and I can eat whatever I want.” which meant a box of cookies for dinner in front of the tv or ice cream for lunch. My sister and I ordered Meals on Wheels for her so that she’d Have something nutritious and she just threw them away so we canceled it.

[UniteFightBack]

7. My mother died when I was 24 so I would be enjoying her instead of fighting over this. nt

[dewsgirl]

26. My mother passed away when I was 13, I was thinking the same.

[Polybius]

43. Mine too

Being 24 without a mother hit me really hard.

[CottonBear]

9. You might find the DU Elder-Caregivers group helpful:

https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1274

Many others are experiencing the same issues as you are.

[WhiskeyGrinder]

13. Why do anything? She's not going to change, but she's also not hurting anyone.

What the real problem seems to be is that you're burning out as a caregiver.

[Codeine]

14. There must be something else

you’re concerned about that you haven’t explained because a couple of microwaved cookies (seriously, this seems fine) and an over-shopping habit don’t seem that problematic.

Is she obese? Simply eating too much?

[ProfessorGAC]

17. Moreover...

...even if she's obese, what's that going to do? Shorten her life? She's 80, for goodness sake.
If she lives to 82 instead of 83, life ended too soon?
I agree that there seems more to the OP than meets the eye.

[Codeine]

21. You're right.

At 80, any benefit from a dietary change is likely to be minimal and cancelled out by the general unhappiness of a newly-restrictive eating plan.

[yellowwoodII]

15. If she's reached 80, she's probably not obese.

Meanwhile, the next generation began living on processed foods, pizza,etc.

"Today, nationwide, roughly two out of three U.S. adults are overweight or obese (69 percent) and one out of three is obese (36 percent)."

https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/an-epidemic-of-obesity/

Maybe we could learn from her.

[mercuryblues]

16. Your Mom is 80

Old habits are hard to break. Instead of confronting her on what she does eat, talk to her about what she doesn't eat and ends up throwing out.

Does she still drive? If she does let her know that will come to an end without cataract surgery. We finally convinced my Dad to have it done, after he had an accident and lost his license. My favorite brother went up there and scheduled his cataract surgery, took him to all the pre-appts. My trumper brother was supposed to take him to the actual surgery and stay to put the drops in his eyes. My Dad told him no, so my brother said OK and left. Never told us he didn't have the surgery. When we found out, me and my brother went up there and bullied and cajoled him into getting the cataract surgery done. We made the appts, then went back home to with the plans to go back in 2 weeks for the preop appts and surgery. In those 2 weeks he had his accident.

As a matter of fact she sounds like she would be a good friend for my Dad. Obstinate as hell. Choose your battles wisely. Always have a alternate option for her.

My Dad is diabetic and refused to stop drinking at least 2 sodas a day. He is also cheap as hell. soda is expensive, but a generic brand of flavored carbonated, sugar free water is 1/4 the price of soda. We bought a few different flavored waters to try. He like them. We let him know how cheap it was compared to his soda and he decided he didn't really need all that soda, after all. We basically manipulated him into thinking it was his decision to switch over.

[SweetieD]

18. If she is freezing cookies she is probably not eating that bad. At least she is using

Portion control. If she was eating bad she'd be downing the entire tray at once.

She is 80 and probably figures she will die one day in the near future so why not eat what she wants.

[Ms. Toad]

19. There's nothing in your mother's eating habits that will harm her health

Last edited Thu Jan 16, 2020, 10:14 PM - Edit history (1)

The "expiration dates" are dates that indicate when to take food off the store shelf, or dates by which food may not taste as fresh as it once did. Aside from actual spoilage, there's no health risk to eating "expired" food days, months, or even years after the date.

https://www.consumerreports.org/food-safety/how-to-tell-whether-expired-food-is-safe-to-eat/

Similarly, food that has been in the freezer too long may taste a bit funky, and nutritional value may decline in some foods -but there is nothing harmful about it.

You sound like my SIL. The rest of the family hides "expiration" dates on food if there are any on food we are serving when she's around. Although she snarfs down the cookies my mom pulls out of the freezer, along with everyone else in the family. (We don't microwave them, but the freezer is an excellent way to keep cookies fresh longer than keeping them on the counter would.)

[Codeine]

20. People really are odd about expiration dates.

There seems to be a notion that food goes from being wholesome and nutritious to deadly poison at the stroke of midnight on the package date.

Assuming you’ve stored your food properly it’s going to be fine for a lot longer than the indicated date. If it’s so old that it’s actually harmful, your nose and taste buds will let you know.

The above doesn’t apply to improperly-stored food or cross-contamination of course.

[mr_lebowski]

29. Agreed. I'm similarly skeptical about expiration dates on the vast majority of medications ...

At worst they're going to be less effective.

Some people seem to think like taking an Aspirin that's 20 years old is going to kill you cause it's ZOMG EXPIRED!!!?!

I'm like ... you're nuts. It's friggin aspirin. It doesn't turn into cyanide over time.

[Tink41]

22. Diabetic Great Grandmother

Lived til 93. Obese. Tricked me into getting her Salerno coconut cookies whenever I'd visit the nursing home she ended up in at 88 because her daughter had no patience. She lived in a small town in TN her entire life up until 87 yrs of age. There was always a large bag of D-con rat poison in the kitchen by the stove. It's just something I remember. She guzzled buttermilk, loved fried shrimp, and known for her chicken and dumplings. I can assure you there wasn't any regimented food safety plan followed or adhering to expiration dates. If your mom has made it this long, what are you really concerned with? Enjoy the rest of the time you have with her.

[malaise]

23. My mother told all of her children that she had no intention

of changing her diet in her 70s - she told us she was 100% lucid and would be making all her own decisions re what she ate. She never went to bed without something sweet - ice cream, chocolate or pastry - sometime she wanted two of the three. I agreed with her 100% - we're all going to die no matter what we eat - leave her alone. Hug her, love her and let her be. She's 80.

[Buckeyeblue]

24. We have the same issue with my FIL

He's 78 and can barely walk with a walker. Outings are now done with a wheelchair. But food....OMG. He eats too much and has all of the health issues that come with it. It's pointless to try to argue with him, so we don't. We take the approach that he's an adult. And it's his choice. Although some day it won't be his choice to go into a nursing home. But we don't talk about that.

[Blaukraut]

25. Your mom made it to 80, perceived bad eating habits notwithstanding

Give her a break. So she buys too much food. If she isn't broke because of it, just donate the close to expired items to a food pantry or shelter.
Maybe you should try to ask her why she still fills the pantry when it's just her and (presumably) you. Is she lonely? Sad?
The microwaved cookies are definitely not a problem. I wish I had that much discipline to only eat a couple of cookies in one go!
My mom was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment at 78. She had to have a couple of surgeries and with each one, her dementia progressed further. By her 80th birthday, she was hiding money instead of cookies in the freezer (and everywhere else around the house) and only ate bread with slices(!) of butter all day. A year later she started hallucinating and running off in the middle of the night, or just getting naked and peeing on the living room or kitchen floor. I had to break my promise to never put her into a nursing home because she needed 24 hour care. A year after that, she was dead.

So go and enjoy the time you have with YOUR mom instead of worrying about her eating habits. Make her happy. Take her places. If she has grandkids, tell them to visit her. Just love her and tell her often.

[Croney]

27. Her freezing of cookies is perfectly ok and normal.

My freezer still has some Halloween chocolates for emergencies!

What about finding a nearby food pantry, and encouraging your mom to donate for hungry people? I pass a Boys and Girls Club often, and use a donation bin just inside the door. Maybe your mom would relinquish some of her overstock if she knew it would go to a good cause.

[Retrograde]

40. I regularly freeze baked goods

with just two of us in the house it's sometimes hard to eat a whole cake or batch of cookies before they go stale. So I freeze them in small portions and later defrost just one or two day's worth.

[TheBlackAdder]

28. Eighty years old, whatever she's doing is working.

[highplainsdem]

30. Two suggestions: 1) Get her books of recipes for one or two (you can find lots of these

recipes online, but at her age she's less likely to get recipes online, would probably use a cookbook more).

2) Get her a small crockpot, 2 quarts or less, and recipes for that. This makes for easy, safe cooking in amounts small enough she isn't stuck with a lot of leftovers.


And a third suggestion, since she's crazy about cookies -- look up recipes for three-ingredient breakfast cookies, which are easy to make and fairly healthy.

[GemDigger]

31. My mother was the same way.

I saw oysters in her cupboard that were 7 years past date as well as a bunch of other things.

So to keep the harmony I went grocery shopping to replace the things that I thought would kill her if she ate them. She never knew until I told her about it.

[MissMillie]

32. I agree with others that at 80 she's doing pretty good for herself

And, I'm also willing to bet that she will be a bit resistant to any drastic changes you want to make for her.

Do you think you could go with her when she goes shopping? Maybe the two of you could come up with a menu and a grocery list, so that she's stops buying food in excess.

I think it will be important to her that she feels like she's making some decisions.

[Bummfuzzle]

34. I can't eat all my food. I freeze it. Waste not, ....

Good for your 80 yr old mom. Now, she has to minimize at the grocery store. But then if she buys for four, freezes for three, then she is good to go.

[Garion_55]

35. Thank you for all the replies everybody...

They gave me a lot to think about reading about your own personal experiences and your opinions.

I wasn't quite sure what kind of response I would get on a post like this but you all have been very helpful.

At 80 years old she actually is obese but on the low end she could stand to lose 40 lb but not like a hundred or two hundred. But I know if she would then the knee surgery is going to be so much easier to go through. We got her other knee changed out about four years ago.

She does still drive she's very controlling about that but if her knee gets too bad plus her hands and now her cataracts I'm afraid her driver's license will get taken away from her and then she really is going to be stuck

Anyway thanks for all your thoughts and suggestions.

[nini]

39. you may want to talk to her doctor with your concerns and let him/her talk to her...

.. if they see other signs where she may need to make changes. A friend of mine always went directly to the doctor because her grandma would listen to him but no one else.

I see you want the best of her but she is trying to hold onto any independence she can too. It's so hard on them to lose control and when you see that it makes it easier to understand where the stubbornness comes from. My mom died at 93 and she held on to every bit of independence as long as she could. It drove my sisters and me crazy at the time ,but we allowed her to do what she wanted unless it became a safety risk.

Good for you to be there for her. It's a fine line to walk and I wish you both well as your roles reverse and you become the 'parent'. She's lucky to have you.

[Deb]

36. We had similar experiences with both our moms

You might want to check her oral health and ask if you can go in during her next Dr appointments and express your concerns and need for help.

One of our Moms needed an extraction and root canal. We were shocked.

Another mother simply did not feel hunger or pain in the same way.

But we did find that our Moms would listen to their Dr before us. Whatever they said was gold.

Take good care of yourself, she is lucky to have your love.

[Maru Kitteh]

37. It's been a little more than a year now, and I miss my mother so very much. I'd give anything to hug

her one more time and tell her how much I love her. The pain is still so raw and close to the surface.

[Polybius]

42. "she ends up putting them in the freezer and pulling them out Weeks Later a couple at a time..."

That's actually genius. I'm going to try this.

[WestLosAngelesGal]

44. I freeze leftover cookies, too

They taste fine and need about 19 seconds in the microwave.

Do throw away expired food, though... It's good to keep tabs on her as long as she wants to live independently. I say more power to her for that kind of spirit and verve at her age.

As for buying too much food when you live in an empty nest, maybe she will host Sunday dinners for the family so things get used up?

[NCLefty]

45. My partner's parents eat like crap and his mother now has health issues too.

His mother eats tons of cough drops for some reason and that's... weird and maybe even frightening. :p

She now has lots of other health issues and is overweight. I've heard him say she doesn't eat much but when visiting it seemed she was eating lots of chocolates and small things all day long. And his dad eats nothing but pizza and cheese steaks, etc., so if she eats anything else it's part of that. We went shopping for them once while visiting, to get them some healthy food. I knew it was a waste of time. And it was...

They never exercise. It's like they don't understand the most basic things about human health.

It's hard to change people's habits. Maybe if she's otherwise happy-ish you'll just have to settle for that. :/