“Oh, that just means he likes you”

[phantom power]

I'd never really thought about this bit before, but it's a good point.

I am sure every girl can recall, at least once as a child, coming home and telling their parents, uncle, aunt or grandparent about a boy who had pulled her hair, hit her, teased her, pushed her or committed some other playground crime. I will bet money that most of those, if not all, will tell you that they were told “Oh, that just means he likes you”. I never really thought much about it before having a daughter of my own. I find it appalling that this line of bullshit is still being fed to young children. Look, if you want to tell your child that being verbally and/or physically abused is an acceptable sign of affection, i urge you to rethink your parenting strategy. If you try and feed MY daughter that crap, you better bring protective gear because I am going to shower you with the brand of “affection” you are endorsing.

When the fuck was it decided that we should start teaching our daughters to accept being belittled, disrespected and abused as endearing treatment? And we have the audacity to wonder why women stay in abusive relationships? How did society become so oblivious to the fact that we were conditioning our daughters to endure abusive treatment, much less view it as romantic overtures? Is this where the phrase “hitting on girls” comes from? Well, here is a tip: Save the “it’s so cute when he gets hateful/physical with her because it means he loves her” asshattery for your own kids, not mine. While you’re at it, keep them away from my kids until you decide to teach them respect and boundaries.

My daughter is 10 years old and has come home on more than one occasion recounting an incident at school in which she was teased or harassed by a male classmate. There has been several times when someone that she was retelling the story to responded with the old, “that just means he likes you” line. Wrong. I want my daughter to know that being disrespected is NEVER acceptable. I want my daughter to know that if someone likes her and respects her, much less LOVES her, they don’t hurt her and they don’t put her down.

http://byepluto.tumblr.com/post/31313264243/i-am-sure-every-girl-can-recall-at-least-once-as

[redqueen]

1. K&R

This cannot be pointed out enough.

[qazplm]

2. depends on the age

it's unfair to expect kids of a certain age to understand, and boys and girls both do this. I remember being told that as a pre-K kid I gave a gift to a girl I "liked" a ring my parents had given me, which she then flushed down the toilet. Kids tease each other, often cruelly, it's sort of part of being a kid. Certainly we should guide them away from that, don't disagree, but girls are just as cruel as boys at that age, it's universal.

[daybranch]

35. I really agree with your comments about it going both ways but

as a kid, I got kicked in the shins many many times by girls. My mother told me that meant they liked me. As I got older, girls being much more precocious than I was, would say things like he is going to take me to the dance or he is going to take me to a party. I( sure missed out on a lot by not understanding girls. By the way, the shin kickers said they liked me and wanted attention when I asked them years later. I remember pulling girls hair when I liked them but I am sure I did it gently and never hurt them.
If the boys physically hurt or intimidated your daughter, they did wrong and should be corrected and punished.

[defacto7]

38. I also agree with your comment that it goes both ways

Girls can be just a cruel as boys which of course doesn't excuse the boys behaviour. I don't think it's universal, but it is common. Why it's common, I don't know. I don't know if it's learned or genetic or both or simple immaturity. But at that age, all kids are leaning how to act toward each other and the immaturity has a wide range. Some never learn respect for others, though most do. It's the "why" that's in question.

[abelenkpe]

3. K&R nt

[RadiationTherapy]

4. If he likes you he can touch you and (mildly) hurt you with out your permission or any consequences.

[renie408]

6. Nobody thinks that...at least I HOPE nobody thinks that.

But there is a difference between a very young boy without the ability to express his feelings and needs to be told, "Hey, man, if you like somebody you don't push them." and the seriously screwed up older kid who probably IS an abuser in waiting.

This thread feels like an overreaction to me depending on the age of the kids involved. It isn't that you TOLERATE the little boy, you UNDERSTAND and start guiding him in a different direction.

[redqueen]

8. The OP is more about what we tell *girls*.

Saying that 'it means he likes you' is too simplistic.

Saying that 'he is behaving badly and though he may be doing it for misguided reasons, he is mistreating you' is better, because it is not conveying the idea that bad behavior is an acceptable form of demonstrating affection.

[MineralMan]

23. A lot depends on modeling from parents.

It's sort of self-perpetuating. In my family, when I was a kid, I grew up with a sister who was a year younger than me. My parents were really, really good about teaching both of us how to behave with each other, and we ended up being really good friends. But we learned most of it from the way my parents treated each other on a day-to-day basis. Kids do what their parents do more than they do what they're told, it seems.

[seabeyond]

25. exactly. the siblings always fighting meme doesnt fly with me either.

i had two brothers that fought all the time. i hated living in that environment. deciding factor not wanting to ever have kids. one. and a girl. otherwise, i was giving it back. lol

i got two boys.

fighting wasnt allowed while they were young. there was no exception. hated it. didnt allow it.

now they are teens and i can say they NEVER physically fight and just occassionally, more rarely, even get pissed at each other.

but, i cannot stomach the fighting. so it didnt happen.

also they see how my brothers to this day do not get along, and the same thing happened in their fathers family. his older brother was always kicking his ass, and he simply does not like him after all these years.

[MineralMan]

30. Yup. My parents simply did not allow

fighting or even angry arguing. No way. It was the house rule, and there was no question about obeying it. So my sister and I grew up not doing that. It was nice, and probably made my teenage life a lot easier. I got along with most people.

[Tunkamerica]

62. I fought with my brothers

we're all friends now. It helps we basically all think the same way.

[seabeyond]

67. i am sure the majority did fight. but, that would be an assumption.

and i would assume also most get along. though, obviously thru my experience that does not always happen.

BUT... i know have that in my family i was effected, and hated it, and it does not have to be.

[redqueen]

27. So kids who hit other kids out of 'affection'

probably have abusive parents?

I'm not sure I follow...

[MineralMan]

32. No, not at all necessarily. However kids who did

grow up with abusive parents are certainly more likely to be abusive. Kids become what they see in many cases. If they see a father who is abusive toward the mother, and I don't just mean physically, that's their model for relationships. It's a hard model to get away from.

[chknltl]

43. My own experience disagrees.

This is just my experience, I can not speak for others. I was oldest of seven kids, two girls five boys. We were typical sized for an Army Sergeant's family. As was typical back then, our father abused the hell out of us both mentally and especially physically. I am diagnosed by the Veterans Administration doctors as disabled, having PTSD stemming directly from that abuse. I know that my brothers and sisters have it too.

Of my siblings, three went on to have families of their own, three of us deliberately chose not to have any children and one passed away at age 18. The three who had children were imo horrible parents, NOT because they abused their kids but instead because they could not bring themselves to be authoritarian figures at all! No discipline no rules, the kids grew up as brats! Two of these kids are in prison and another one imo belongs there. One of the girls we have lost touch with entirely, she being into hard drugs and possible prostitution.

So from my perspective, we who were abused as kids do not grow up to be abusers ourselves. We instead made poor parents unable to control our kids or could not even bring ourselves to become parents at all!.

Btw, of the six nieces and nephews, only 1 turned out ok and I am not so sure about him.

[freshwest]

53. Yeah, I always thought that excuse was bizarre. I never laid a hand or teased another kid. Any kid,

Of either gender, who tried yanking at my hair or clothes or kicking or hitting me, got more than they gave in return. I never initiated such and never teased anyone. Most don't like it, why do it to someone else?

It's not like corporal punishment was unknown in my life, either. I consider the laying of hands on another person to be disrespectful and proof of being out of control unless the persons know each other very well and accept horseplay.

Likewise, if someone can't express themselves verbally without being abusive or teasing as a group, it's just asking for trouble. And that trouble may end up being more than the bully can handle. Schools need to teach problem solving skills to prevent it. Because these things aren't always resolved in a playground fight, some kids get seriously hurt over time.

[renie408]

5. Yeah...

We have a 16 year old daughter and have been through both kinds of 'abuse'. I think there is a very different feel to the little boy who came up and shoved her on the playground in 1st grade and took off running because he was trying to get her attention and the bully who was shoving her around in the 6th grade. The 1st grader had to have a time out and I told the 6th grader that if he ever laid a hand on my kid again, I was going to beat the amoral shit out of him and if his parents had a problem with it, they could come see me. My husband says we should be damn glad I wasn't arrested, and that is probably true, but I was royally pissed.

BTW...he never touched her again and I never heard from the parents.


I do not advocate threatening juveniles, but we put up with him picking on her mercilessly for awhile. I actually saw him shove her at the convenience store near the school when we stopped to get a soda and that's the straw that broke the camel's back.

[Victor_c3]

9. If I had a son in 6th grade who bullied girl you wouldn't hear from me either

I'm not a proponet of child abuse by any means, but I'd give my fictitional son a similar warning of an ass-beating if he ever verbaly or physically intimidated a girl/women.

The way your story reads, I doubt that the boy ever told his parents. I know if I shoved a girl when I was 12 and either of her parents threatened to beat my ass I would shut my mouth, tuck my junk between my legs, and hide.

I have two little girls (ages 2 and 4) and my wife has told me bits and pieces of past abuse of her own. Emotional and physical abuse is one of the things that I'm definitely worried about and have no tolerance for. Fortunately I'll be able to play the "crazy war vet" card to my daughters' partners in their future relationships.

[lumberjack_jeff]

7. And yet, it's human nature, developmentally normal and accurate.

When a boy discover girls, "awkward" doesn't begin to cover his limited ability to communicate or even understand it.

Not every boy deserves jail.

The logical end point in an argument about the pervasiveness of a problem is "Everyone does it/has experienced it". Only belatedly do they realize that they just proved that it is normal.

[seabeyond]

13. so, not true. i had no issue what so ever, that my boys KNEW what was inappropriate behavior.

they were taught. and we often had conversation and i had a discussion with a particular girl about her pinching the ear when walking by son, and little girls kicking ect.... cause they had crushes on him and how that was wrong, and he was to put a stop to it and not allow.

no, not everyone does it and many know it is wrong.

[MineralMan]

14. I don't know about that one. It may be some boys' response to it.

But it's not every boy's response, by any means. I started noticing girls in 6th grade as something different than just some other kids I knew. I wasn't quite sure what to do with that new interest, but shoving them or pulling their hair wasn't my response. Instead, I started talking to them, sitting with them, and that sort of thing. It seemed to me that figuring out that stuff meant going to the source.

It worked pretty well. I found out lots of stuff, and got kissed a few times. I still hadn't hit puberty, and didn't for a couple of more years, but it was an introductory experience. The same behavior seems to have continued working as I got older, too. Odd, huh?

I doubt that causing them pain would have worked as well, really.

[DaveJ]

16. Human nature brought upon by evolution and selective breeding

Thus begins nice guys finish last paradigm, in 1st grade, when I saw how these were the kids who tended to hook up, breed, then create more of the same.

[seabeyond]

20. ah geezus. that is so sad. nt

[MineralMan]

21. Nice guys don't always finish last, by any means.

It's just not true. Nice, really shy kids can have trouble during the adolescent years, but nice kids who aren't so shy do just fine. If parents can work with their shy child to help them build some confidence and learn how to just talk with other people, being nice won't hold them back at all. Yes, there are some kids who sneer at nice kids, but it's far from true generally.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

29. You're making an unwarranted jump in logic

from normal but inappropriate behavior to jail.

The normal, necessary, expected steps in between childish acting out and jail --which you neglect to mention or advocate-- are socialization steps.

As we grow through childhood, we all must be socialized, i.e. taught, appropriate behavior and corrected when our immature animal instincts appear.

Often, boys' inappropriate and hostile behaviors towards girls are accepted as normal, and go uncorrected. That is the point of this thread. Meanwhile, the girls who are the target of such behavior end up with no support at best, or reprimanded, further harassed, or worse.

Adults must teach appropriate social behavior; correct and teach boys how to express their attractions caringly rather than animalistically. When adults shirk their responsibility, the child is allowed, perhaps even encouraged, to perpetuate a feral state.

I am not surprised to see you make your appearance as apologist, minimizing inappropriate male behaviors.

[lumberjack_jeff]

50. I'm going to reply via PM my personal experience in this regard.

Suffice to say, parents of sons know that it isn't accepted as normal and doesn't go uncorrected.

[NYC Liberal]

31. Just because something is pervasive, doesn't mean it's "normal".

Rape is "pervasive". I would sure as hell not call it normal, or acceptable.

There are also many perfectly normal things that are human nature that we avoid doing because as rational creatures we have the ability to control our impulses. Taking a shit is "normal", and it's part of our nature. That doesn't mean it's okay to do it in the middle of a restaurant now does it?

Ultimately the real problem is that the behavior is encouraged by grown adults and justified to young girls. Even if we accept that this behavior is normal for young boys, being that they are immature and unexperienced, it should certainly not be encouraged. Those boys should be taught, by their parents or guardians, that their behavior is not acceptable. And young girls should be taught the same, and they should be encouraged to speak up if they don't like it.

[jp11]

10. Uh

this happens to young boys too, girls being mean to them to get their attention, I wouldn't claim as much as boys do it to girls though.

I also wouldn't call it a good point based on the rant nature that ignores certain aspects of reality in favor of the rant's message.

[qazplm]

34. again it depends on the age

its absolutely a gender neutral thing at the younger ages when elementary school-age kids "like" each other without really having a clue as to why. Boys and girls trip, pick, verbally harass and tease, etc each other.

Now, when they get to middle school, by that time they should be taught and socialized that those things are inappropriate, and by that time, boys are more prone to act out physically (towards other boys and girls) so you'd have to be extra careful at that point.

[Brickbat]

11. Hey, people, let's not miss the point.

Yes, boys are jerks to other boys. Yes, girls can do this to boys. Little kids can be terrors. Bullying sucks. Yes, yes -- all the above posters are right.

The point, however, is that we don't need to keep reinforcing the expectation that cruelty to others should be normalized. If someone says, "X pulled my hair today," the response is NOT to tell the child that that is an expression of affection. Full stop.

It doesn't mean X has to go to jail, or should be beat down, or that X doesn't like the person whose hair s/he pulled. It means we can stop normalizing unwanted behavior and acting like bad attention is good attention. That's it.

[jp11]

17. Agreed.

Rants are cathartic but focus on one POV as the only rational one and often simplify issues.

There are lots of reasons why kids do mean things and they all aren't just because the kid is an asshole like this writer suggests.

The point is better made as you put it than the writer with their rant.

[lumberjack_jeff]

24. "Normal" and "acceptable" aren't the same thing.

It is a phase that most boys are yanked out of by a talk with the assistant principal and/or his parents.

[Brickbat]

33. It's a phase many boys don't go through at all.

[OneGrassRoot]

51. Exactly. Well said. n/t

[seabeyond]

12. I am going to punch you in the face but I hope you realize it is just my way of thanking you for th

I am going to punch you in the face but I hope you realize it is just my way of thanking you for the great advice you gave my daughter.

i love this writer. i think a father? good for him. i luvs me a dad that parents.

[sammytko]

15. What about telling kids not to be a "tattle-tale'?

IOW - keep your mouth shut if you suffer or see some injustice - its your fault anyway.

[MineralMan]

19. Yup. That's another bad idea.

A lot of people do that. On the other hand, if you grow up with siblings of about the same age, you do learn that tattling about silly things gets you nowhere. Telling about serious stuff, on the other hand, is important. It's part of what parents are supposed to teach their kids: learning the difference between the two.

[SheilaT]

18. Great discussion!

I have only sons, now grown, no daughters, and I'd forgotten all about the "It only means he likes you meme."

I agree that there's a huge difference between the 1st grader and the 6th grader, and the two situations need to be handled somewhat differently. We need to start at the youngest age and make it clear that pushing, shoving, hitting, and so on simply is unacceptable behavior. Keep in mind, that there's also a "Boys will be boys" meme which tolerates boys bullying other boys, or playground fighting, which I also think is totally unacceptable.

As for the going to the older kid and/or his parents and spelling out the clear consequences of continued bullying, I know that that sort of thing works.

In sixth grade my older son was being bullied and ostracized by other students. He was quiet and shy and we did not understand at the time that he has Asperger's. In any case, an incident occurred, and when we learned about it my husband went over to the other kid's house and spoke to him and the parents, saying I don't want this to happen again to my son. It worked. He still had no friends at school, but the bullying ceased. After sixth grade we transferred him to a different school where he thrived.

The essential point is that at no point should abusive behavior be tolerated, let alone seen as something positive.

[Solly Mack]

22. K&R

[JustAnotherGen]

26. The greatest gift my mom gave me

As her mother gave her, and her grandmother to her mother - I think this has been getting handed down for generations in my family . . .


:yowzer: Don't go near him (CB). Boys who like you don't pull your braids or stick out their tongue. (Now here's where my mom is going to get skewered by men - but I don't care). See how Ryan and Eric hang from the monkey bars like apes trying to get your attention? Go play with them.

[leftstreet]

28. DURec

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

36. "I am sure every BOY can recall at least one time....."

This stuff doesn't happen to males? I say bullshit. I can specifically remember at 7 years old Dawn McCaffery slapping me in the back of the head every day at recess as she ran by. Then she'd show up at my house unannounced on the weekend and hang around forever. It wasn't because she hated me.

Kids tease each other because they want attention for the target, and can't reconcile the feelings of "liking someone" or a "crush".

[MineralMan]

37. In first grade, a girl one day started chasing me around the

play area at the school. She finally caught me and knocked me down, then sat on my chest. Then she kissed me and ran away. I ran into her at my 20th high school alumni party. She asked if I remembered that. I did remember it. We gave each other a friendly hug. What's really funny is that we both remember that, I think.

[lumberjack_jeff]

47. I can remember a female 5th grade classmate kicking me in the balls.

It hurt, but I tried to pretend it didn't.

[seabeyond]

49. my boys went thru the same. oldest more than youngest. i do not think the youngest

experienced it. he did talk about other boys, though. but, my oldest did. more 2, 3 grade and a particular girl really. more so than anything. but, they both had issues that the girls did things, that hurt the boy and the boy had to suck it up, pretend it didnt hurt. that really bothered them. and also, when something happened, the boy was "encouraged" to man up, that a girl could not hurt them like vice versa.

i would have conversations with teachers and mothers about this.

i did not want my boys to find that their bodies, feelings, emotions were ignored while we worked so hard on our girls.

so.... i will have to agree with you on this. was one of my rants in the earlier days of kids education.

they understood it was not gender specific, it was expected human behavior toward each other.

[Warpy]

39. i thought that was one of the stupidest

Last edited Tue Sep 11, 2012, 06:49 PM - Edit history (1)

and most destructive things that ever came out of my mother's mouth and I never quite forgave her for it. It announced that she was clueless and was going to be useless in helping me with being bullied.

No, Ma, they don't like me, not at all, and they think that entitles them to be little savages when I'm around.

Girls that buy this shit and internalize it are being set up to accept battery in marriage.

I didn't buy it. I fought back. Eventually the bullies went away.

[Spitfire of ATJ]

40. There is a period when many boys hate girls,...

...I heard a joke by a ten year old that framed the mindset perfectly.

Q: Why do girls wear makeup and perfume?

A: Because they're ugly and they stink.

Republicans never outgrew this.

[seabeyond]

41. probably the same age as .... girls rule, boys drool.

my boys hated that one.

at first they like each other. then go to their own corners, step out in puberty and meet again.

[Spitfire of ATJ]

55. A lot of comedy has come out of the "older brother dating" scenario....

...things like necking on the couch and have her suddenly realize the little brat has introduced a frog into the mix.

[kiri]

42. tickling and play

Missing from this thread:
1. Humans are mammals. All mammals as infants/youngsters go through play with mock aggression/real aggression/ learning how to call off the aggression. Play is physical, not cerebral in the young. Anyone who has watched a litter of kittens or puppies knows how their play--with physical exuberance--often leads to yelps/crying, and then everyone is friends again.

2. Kids of the same age cannot be accused of bullying, no more than a stronger puppie winning in play. Bullying can only mean what we humans understand as a bigger, stronger kid deliberately taking advantage of a weaker, smaller kid. But I have seen this with kittens, too.

3. Boys at 4,5,..8, lag behind girls in verbal abilities. They have emotions and feelings, which they are not able to express. Altho girls are better, they may not accept verbal expressions or light touching either. And just like female puppies/kittens, they have their own sense of "winning" in play. In some mammalian social groups, females are dominant.

4. There is no mention of tickling in this thread. Is this acceptable in "play"? Kids laugh, but it can be really unpleasant if you are the one tickled. Most of us survive these childhood experiences unscathed and learn lessons--lessons from peers that cannot be imparted from adults. That is why aggressive play is part of our evolutionary heritage.

5. Of course, I do not favor anyone being hurt in a serious way. The socialization of humans via our verbal and empathetic abilities is complex. Excessive expectations from 5-yr olds doing 'play' is not helpful.

[seabeyond]

44. not buying almost all of what you are saying. and to excuse the bully at the young age

or pretend that a kid could not be a bully at that age really has me a bit flabbergasted.

have you raised kids? in the school system?

i beg to differ on much of what you say.

sounds like a whole lot of justifying for allowing children to have the control and parent not doing their job.

[kiri]

58. making small humans into humanists...

Curious: do you agree with my points 1,3, 4, 5?
take away all self-control and deny the child any route of expression?

You are wrong if you think that dominance/submissive aspects are not involved in children's play.

The goal is to prevent some 'dominant' types from having too much, and some 'submissive' types from being cowarded.

In mammalian species, young-uns explore and test their relationship to the group. Humans extend this this play/explore/learning for 10-20 years. A 4-yr old's brain is incapable of things that a 10 yr old might understand.

All I wanted to say is to have a little respect for that natural order of brain development, which includes empathy, mirror neurons, and our developmental ancestry.

[bhikkhu]

60. Kids need direction and instruction

its a very large mistake to say something is "natural", therefore we should shut up and let it happen, imagining that development occurs best if left alone and undisturbed.

Our genetics aren't sufficient to guide us into normal healthy relationships; kids need direction and instruction. There is a reason "wisdom" is considered the privilege of age and experience, and is universally respected in human cultures.

[seabeyond]

68. 4 yr old is very much able to know mean/nice. they tend toward nice, empathetic naturally. amazing

you ignore that aspect readily for the mean.

IF you parent, it is very very easy to guide the children to a healthy social interaction at a young age. they are the purest in recognizing fairness.

even a child in a tantrum mode can be brought to stillness with a hug, some kisses and conversation why the behavior is not allowed. one does not have to parent with a harsh hand to teach a child harshness is not the way.

age appropriate. even the most complex issue can be addressed in an age appropriate manner if a parent chooses to use the time connected and parenting a child.

it is very SIMPLE.

[calimary]

45. When our daughter was a little girl, she took karate after school. There was a little boy in there

who was a budding bully, doted on by his mom - one of those who never told him "no." He threw his weight around because his family was wealthy and was paying for him, his sister, the mom, and BOTH the two nannies to take karate class. And oddly enough, he took a liking to Elizabeth. And he was always messing with her and bothering her and trying to hit her and she didn't appreciate it. And he fancied himself the toughest in class - especially during sparring class. He was VERY aggressive, and had NO self-esteem issues whatsoever (except for maybe an obscene excess of self-esteem). At one particularly bothersome moment, my husband took her aside and told her that if the kid was really starting to push her or hit her or play especially rough in class, it was okay to hit him back, or hit him, period. Her face brightened and got this evil little impish grin all over it. You could see that she was taking this in deeply and processing it most carefully. It looked like she was feeling super-empowered by what her daddy had told her.

Eventually, the whole family dropped out of the karate school for various reasons and the little boy did not complete the black belt course that Elizabeth and the rest of her mates did. But it was really neat to see her get that sense of empowerment from her dad. That's my guy! So proud of her - and of him, too! That's when I started realizing that OUR daughter was never gonna be bullied. To this very day!

[surrealAmerican]

46. There's no reason to treat it any differently ...

... than you would if it were a child of the same gender. Your child needs to make it clear to the "offender" that she will not tolerate that behavior. If she can't do that effectively on her own, she should get some help.

[Jennicut]

48. My daughters are right in the middle of this, at 7 and 8.

We have had some issues in the past with hair pulling and poking. But nothing overly aggressive. Still, the teachers in their classrooms squashed it down really fast and that was greatly appreciated. On the other hand, there are some really nice boys in their classes and it is good for them to make friends of the opposite sex too. In all the schools I have subbed in recently it is just not tolerated. Not like it was when I was in school.

[TNLib]

52. We treated it more like a bullying issue in our house.

Fortunately the kid my daughter was having trouble with a couple of years ago seems to have out grown it and now my daughter and him are friends.

I do think there are just some kids that don't know how to interact with other children that are different from them. It doesn't mean the boys are misogynistic psychopaths it's just they haven't figured out how to interact socially with girls yet.

The best solution is teach your kids to stand up to bullies and go to the school talk to the teacher about the problem.

[loyalsister]

54. I had never thought much about that one

Fortunately, I didn't hear it when I was growing up. I believe you are absolutely right.
I also dislike "words can't hurt." They can and do.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

56. Assault means Assault. Battery means Battery. No cute excuses, especially for youngsters.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

57. Cave men start out as cave boys. It's not cute.

[npk]

59. It depends on the age

I know of parents who said such things, but mostly with kids that were very little like 5 or 6 years old. For boys that are around that age they often tease girls or pull their hair because they have very limited social skills and understanding of personal space. I don't think it's bad parenting to tell girls that a boy may not mean to be ugly when they do those kind of things at that young age. Now if we are talking about older pre-adolcesants and teenagers then yes the parents need to step in and educate their children about how hitting a girl or teasing a girl is wrong.

[Tunkamerica]

61. My best friend, who is the same sex and straight like me, I met by making fun of him in

4th grade. I made fun of him for a few days and we've been best friends for 25 years. Some kids have a hard time making friends and use seemingly anti-social methods for making friends.

If you're calling people who aren't naturally social as a little kid abusers then I think you might be barking up the wrong tree.

Though I do see where you're coming from and it may sink into the "victim's" head if it's said enough. Glad his parents didn't tell him I was mentally abusing him.

[colorado_ufo]

63. Very proud to be rec #100!

[eridani]

64. I never had much of a problem with that as a kid because my response to the--

--very slightest hint of physical violation was to become absolutely batshit crazy in self defense. That had a kind of power that overcame my lack of strength and coordination. Some people can tolerate physical horsing around--probably the same people who think that contact lenses and pierced ears are normal. I can't tolerate even thinking about doing those things. A couple of incidents where my assailants came out very much the worse pretty much insured that I was left alone. I avoided serious trouble for the injuries involved only because there were enough witnesses as to who started the incidents.

That did scare one of my teachers enough to call my parents in. They explained how they quit trying to comb my hair when I was a toddler, and that other kids might avoid trouble by not picking on me. If they had been able to afford a psychiatrist, I might have had some kind of treatment, but they didn't have the money.

In old age, the only consequences of this trait are that dental assistants and mammogram techs try to arrange to be on break when I have appointments.

[blkmusclmachine]

65. Q&A With Today's Teabag GOP:

Q: What is rape?

A: It just means he likes you.

[davidthegnome]

66. Brings back memories

My eighth grade year, I had just moved to a different town and a new school. It was much smaller, the whole 8th grade class had six students and was combined with the 6th and 7th grade classes (the school has closed since).

For me it was the other way around. I remember one of the girls throwing basketballs at my head... and that girl could throw. I remember one scratching me with her nails and leaving a scar that I kept for years. Being pushed down hills, made fun of, whatever - they could be brutal. The boys would tell me that I should stand up for myself, push back, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Finally I yelled at one of them and they mostly stopped.

The little fights I had with my sisters growing up were one thing. My Father though, taught me not to raise my hand against a girl in anger... a lesson that is hard for a boy with three pushy sisters to learn, but learn it, eventually, I did.

Pulling hair, hitting... physical violence should be unacceptable period. Whether it's between two boys, girls and boys, or girls and girls. I have to admit to something of a double standard here - I would be far more upset with a boy who hit a girl than with a girl who hit a boy. Perhaps it's the way I was raised. Even today though, I see women/girls who give their boyfriends a beating that any man would face prison time for. Which is not to say that men aren't just as bad and in many cases far worse. It is simply that, as a society, we have many double standards in this regard.

To some extent, kids will be kids - especially when they are younger. Yet it's best to teach them as young as possible that violence is not acceptable. I would not tolerate violent behavior from my own children - and would hope other parents would feel the same way.

[JDPriestly]

69. Its the parents of boys who need to think about talking to their sons about this.

It's interesting. I had two pretty daughters.

One of them was shy and very unlikely to harass back. To my surprise, she was harassed many times.

The other one was quite assertive and self-confident. Whether she was harassed or not, she never complained about being harassed until she was in college and had to go to the dean about being stalked.

I expected the assertive daughter to be more often harassed than the other one. Anyone have an explanation for this? I'm still puzzled by it.

[mwooldri]

70. Make that story gender neutral - and it'd be 100% accurate.

Bullying has no gender. Girls bully girls, boys bully boys - and yes girls do bully boys - in addition to the more often seen boys bullying girls.

Swap the gender around in that above story and it is a reflection of my childhood - I recall girls going on at me and I *was* told "they just like you" as well.

[Tunkamerica]

72. girls definitely bully boys. we had some girls from the juvie home that rode my bus in 7th grade.

Sexual and physical harrassment; and we weren't even the easy targets on the bus. It didn't help that they were several years older than anyone else on the bus. The home cycled male female each year. The guys were crazy, but not really bullies.

[lunasun]

71. you are so right on -hard to get away from those old lines and thought