General Discussion
Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsYour Sunday Morning Paraprosdokians :-)
Paraprosdokians* are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is
surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them
speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge, is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of an emergency, notify..."
I answered "a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald
head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
* I had to look up the meaning as well
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,678 posts)Greybnk48
(10,170 posts)I think this was comedian Steven Wright's schtick primarily.
underpants
(182,863 posts)We have quote of the day at our morning staff conference calls. Ive heard some of these there but I can use some too. Thanks.
SheltieLover
(57,073 posts)And laughs! Ty, Malaise!
safeinOhio
(32,713 posts)N_E_1 for Tennis
(9,767 posts)Much needed humor Sunday!
gratuitous
(82,849 posts)Heh.
malaise
(269,147 posts)JHB
(37,161 posts)dmr
(28,349 posts)"Where's the baby?"
"Which part?"
Karadeniz
(22,557 posts)apcalc
(4,465 posts)He would say it isnt speed that kills....its that sudden stop.
malaise
(269,147 posts)JHB
(37,161 posts)"It's not the fall. It's the landing."
calimary
(81,421 posts)malaise
(269,147 posts)yonder
(9,669 posts)lunatica
(53,410 posts)but I was wrong.
lastlib
(23,266 posts)but i was mistaken.
Heartstrings
(7,349 posts)Laughing out loud here! Thanks, Malaise!
tblue37
(65,477 posts)lunatica
(53,410 posts)live longer.
crickets
(25,982 posts)malaise
(269,147 posts)said Don the murderous Con
Tracer
(2,769 posts)Nice new word.
eleny
(46,166 posts)What do you want to be or a nurse?
or take your lunch
eleny
(46,166 posts)So wish we were neighbors!!!
siriuslll
(23 posts)You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
malaise
(269,147 posts)Clever
Karadeniz
(22,557 posts)To Trump!
grantcart
(53,061 posts)calimary
(81,421 posts)Last edited Sun Aug 16, 2020, 01:52 PM - Edit history (1)
Especially here!
Who knew?
Thanks, malaise! I read all these to my husband (who loves wordplay like this, also) and he approves, too!
malaise
(269,147 posts)Last week he sent this one
Words that are spelled the same but pronounced with emphasis on different syllables literally tell us how to pronounce them. Stress on the first syllable is a noun; stress on the last syllable is a verb. Content, record, contract, impact, address, object and others.
I replied thus - Ï was content with the content.
English speakers know this instinctively, but it is useful for persons learning English.
calimary
(81,421 posts)Shit, I LOVE this stuff.
Virtual
malaise
(269,147 posts)so it was ready and waiting for my good friend.
lagomorph777
(30,613 posts)malaise
(269,147 posts)cayugafalls
(5,641 posts)malaise
(269,147 posts)a man of 55.
JHB
(37,161 posts)...a president of four-five
malaise
(269,147 posts)She was way smarter than 45
JHB
(37,161 posts)Though at three I was smarter and better mannered than 45 too. But there were impulses for which I learned how to act in public, and for which he never, ever did (and reveled in not doing so).
malaise
(269,147 posts)even after all this time. He never controls his impulses
cayugafalls
(5,641 posts)I'm 60 and still working on it.
dmr
(28,349 posts)Didn't Mueller indict him?
malaise
(269,147 posts)KY_EnviroGuy
(14,494 posts)That's Trump's primary method of governing. Just throw some shit out there and see what sticks....
Great stuff for a Sunday's easy time. Thanks, Malaise!.......
malaise
(269,147 posts)PCIntern
(25,572 posts)My fave of all time:
"I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks." Emo Philips
malaise
(269,147 posts)Great one
A friend sent them to me.
alwaysinasnit
(5,070 posts)malaise
(269,147 posts)lindysalsagal
(20,718 posts)malaise
(269,147 posts)denbot
(9,901 posts)3catwoman3
(24,026 posts)...thread.
And fascinating about the syllable emphasis and part of speech. Never thought about that.
oasis
(49,398 posts)Hekate
(90,769 posts)Delmette2.0
(4,168 posts)I was a front line supervisor in a financial office. My staff didn't know it was pointed at my immediate boss and the boss had no clue. It wasn't up there for very long.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
malaise
(269,147 posts)Mopar151
(9,992 posts)Mopar151
(9,992 posts)"Nobody goes there anymore - it's too crowded!"
malaise
(269,147 posts)They say Churchill was a master at this
Mopar151
(9,992 posts)burrowowl
(17,644 posts)RestoreAmerica2020
(3,438 posts)malaise
(269,147 posts)BComplex
(8,059 posts)I love all of these!! Malaise, you're the best!!
malaise
(269,147 posts)He deserves the credit
MerryBlooms
(11,770 posts)But I'm not drinking any less.
malaise
(269,147 posts)MerryBlooms
(11,770 posts)shanti
(21,675 posts)Thank you, ma'am! At first, I thought it had something to do with Armenians!
Pathwalker
(6,598 posts)n/t
BadGimp
(4,017 posts)I like, thanks!
malaise
(269,147 posts)genxlib
(5,529 posts)Walk a mile in someones shoes before you criticize them. That way, when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and you will have their shoes.
tclambert
(11,087 posts)tclambert
(11,087 posts)C'mon, God, he's on the golf course all the time. What more opportunity do you need?
malaise
(269,147 posts)lagomorph777
(30,613 posts)Is that plagiarism or research?
malaise
(269,147 posts)keithbvadu2
(36,869 posts)malaise
(269,147 posts)Good one
wendyb-NC
(3,328 posts)I learned something new today, what those short, witty are called, paraprosdokians, that grab your attention, but with a twist. You hear or read the first part expecting a fable, but the ending is a play on our humor. I laughed out loud! Thank for the break for my all caught up in seriousness, the current reality with the abominable scumbag in the white house. A break is necessary from the constant din of dread. Thanks again, malaise.
malaise
(269,147 posts)from the madness of King Con