More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Forty-Six Edition
I posted the first of these lists ten years ago, on the eve of the election that brought John Boehner to power in the House of Representatives. (Who would have ever thought he would one day NOT be the most loathsome orange Republican ever, right?) I drew inspiration from a list that had been circulating around the internet since the Bush era; I'm not positive of the origin, but the earliest posting I could find of it after twenty pages of Google searches was here.
Now, interestingly, on the eve of the election that will probably determine the forty-sixth President of the United States (leaving aside whether it will be Vice President Joe Biden, or Vice President Mike Pence if Trump ragequits) I find myself ready to post the forty-sixth edition of this irregularly posted series.
People better than I have written about the depth of right-wing doublethink. I heartily recommend the work of Bob Altemeyer, The Authoritarians, for one of the best looks at it. Conervative Myths also has some interesting insight; I frequently check in on Fundies Say The Darndest Things and We Hunted The Mammoth for other glimpses into right-wing disconnect. Of course, I also see lots of it here and on Daily Kos.
Deep down, when I started I was trying to understand the conservative mentality; maybe, thanks to Altemeyer and others, I may on an intellectual level now...but emotionally, I can't see myself ever in a place to think that throwing born, loved children in cages while bleating about "TEH BABBYS!!!" when it comes to an embryo and a woman's right to determine whether she's ready to have children or not.
Or look at an incompetent, corrupt pervert then write piles of fanfiction where he's really a superhero who's fighting incompetent, corrupt perverts...and actually believe it!
And then every once in a while, I do one of these little lists to, in my own probably inept way, make living in this scary world a little less dark.
With the fifty-ninth Presidential election only three days away, some reminders of why the choice is so clear. Because, like I said in my very first list, "Vote Unless You Want People Like THIS Running The Country"
Donald Trump's "Greatest" Hits
* George HW Bush, George W Bush, Jeb Bush, Jerry Falwell Jr, Steve Forbes, Connie Mack IV, Meghan McCain, Rand Paul, Willard Mitt Rmoney, Sarah Sanders, and Donald Trump are all self-made people and don't owe their success to anyone else's prior accomplishments. (#10, Nov. 2012)
* The embodiment of Christian values: a thrice-married avatar of Mammon who doesn't know much about the Bible, lusts after his own daughter, can't open his mouth without bragging about how awesome he thinks he is, and spends a prayer breakfast swearing revenge on those who tried to hold him to account for his crimes. (#22, Feb 2016)
* Valid for Hitler Comparisons: A black man in a tan suit wanted to make health care more affordable to more people. Not Valid for Hitler Comparisons: A bombastic bigot with a bad haircut wants to stop immigration, persecute believers of a religious minority, torture people, demand loyalty oaths, punish those who criticize him, build internment camps for children, refers to other human beings as "animals", and threatens his opponents with violence (#23, July 2016) .
* A True Christian will forgive Donald Trump for cheating on all three of his wives, but not Bill Clinton for cheating on his one wife. Or her for being cheated on. (#23, July 2016)
* "Fiscal Responsibility" and "America First": Passing a massive tax cut that balloons the deficit and gives 80% of its benefits to foreigners (#33, May 2018)
* The best way to keep America safe: cozy up to autocrats like Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un while alienating democracies and long-time allies like Canada, France, Germany, the UK, Japan, and Denmark (#34, Aug 2018)
* You've loudly bragged on tape about proudly sexually assaulting women and think you can call anyone else a "low life". (#35, Oct 2018)
* You hire Rudy Giuliani and convicted criminal Micheal Cohen and think you can call anyone else's lawyer "third rate". (#35, Oct 2018)
* You believe in "strong family values", and support the appointment of an alleged rapist to the Supreme Court by an admitted sexual predator. (#35, Oct 2018)
* You totally believe that a man who is afraid to go out into the rain would charge a school shooter. (#36, Dec 2018)
* "Presidential Harassment" = Investigating credible evidence that the President and their allies illegally colluded with a hostile foreign dictator to steal an election and are trying to rip off the country. "Presidential Harassment" =/= Spending six years demanding the President produce his birth certificate, and then calling it fake when he does. (#37, Mar 2019)
* Wasteful spending: $18 million on Special Olympics. Not Wasteful Spending: $118 million so a billionaire can cheat at golf. (#38, April 2019)
* Windmills cause cancer. Cigarettes and fracking chemicals do not. (#38, April 2019)
* Donald Trump going on Fox "News" to whine is more important than the remembrance of the 75th Anniversary of D-Day. (#39, July 2019)
(Well, of course it is. I'm only half surprised that Trump didn't start speaking about "And you know who is forgotten in all this? Those good German boys who died there too! They were only trying to Make the Fatherland Great Again!"
* Iran should absolutely be forced to stick to the deal that Trump already pulled out of. (#39, July 2019)
* Donald Trump proves that he's a humble man of God by declaring himself The King of Israel and The Chosen One, then bragging about his "great and unmatched wisdom". (#40, Sept 2019)
(Jesus of Nazareth and Anakin Skywalker STILL both say 'FUCK YOU!!!" to that noise, Donnie.)
* You can accuse Democrats of using "foul language & racist hatred" with a straight face. You're Donald Trump, who started your political career calling Mexicans "rapists and drug dealers" and you used the F-bomb frequently on the campaign trail. (#40, Sept 2019)
* Scandal: Hunter Biden's "lucrative business deal" in Ukraine. Not A Scandal: Donald Trump Jr, Eric Trump, and Ivanka Trump's lucrative business deals in Ireland, India, Indonesia, Uruguay, Turkey, the Philippines, China, etc. (#41, Oct. 2019)
* Accurate weather forecasts are not as important as not hurting Donald Trump's feelings. (#41, Oct. 2019)
* The President having unchecked power to do whatever he wants is an example of "limited government". (#42, Feb 2020)
* Donald Trump is a medical genius. Because he and he alone realized drinking Clorox will cure the coronavirus. (#43, May 2020)
Medical degree from Trump University? All that's missing now is him saying that mixing the bleach with Kool-Aid will make it work even better.
* You think mail-in voting is dangerous and potentially fraudulent except when you or your relatives do it. (#44, July 2020)
(Because their real definition of "fraudulent" is "didn't vote for Trump"
* The middle of a pandemic is the perfect time to sever relations with the World Health Organization. (#44, July 2020)
* A Good Christian™ shows his devotion by teargassing priests so he can do a photo op with a Bible. (#44, July 2020)
* An admitted sexual predator who was impeached for trying to extort favors from a foreign ally and gives his friends Get Out Of Jail Free cards has the room to talk about "law and order". (#44, July 2020)
* "Black Lives Matter" ="Symbol of Hate"; "Jews Will Not Replace Us" = "Very Fine People". (#44, July 2020)
* A lifelong devoted Catholic will "hurt God" more than a boorish avatar of all Seven Deadly Sins who had priests teargassed the last time he was near a church. (#45, Oct 2020)
* Not heartless: Trump playing golf while his brother was dying. Heartless: Pointing that fact out. (#45, Oct 2020)
* The best way to win over women voters is to viciously and incoherently attack one of the most beloved women in the country. (#45, Oct 2020)
And these only scratch the surface. More "greatest hits" at the 2016 list here
Other Reposts and Updates:
One of the least surprising things ever:
* Deficits only matter when Democrats are in the White House. (#1, Nov 2010)
The entry that is in the list more often than not...
* Degenerate Perverts Unfit For Public Life: Joe Biden, Cal Cunningham, John Conyers, John Edwards, Al Franken, Katie Hill, Elliot Spitzer, Anthony Wiener; Great Americans Who Believe In Family Values And Deserve A "Mulligan" or Two Or Three: Joe Barton, Herman Cain, Tucker Carlson, Larry Craig, Steve DesJarlais, Bobby Dyer, Joe Fain, Jerry Falwell Jr, Mark Foley, Will Gardner, Newt Gingrich, Eric Greitens, Rudy Guiliani (NEW!), Sean Hannity, Curtis Hill, Duncan Hunter, Jim Jordan, Brett Kavanaugh, Nathan Larson, Rush Limbaugh, Vance McAllister, Roy Moore, Bill O'Reilly, Bill Sanderson, Mark Sanford, David Stringer, Clarence Thomas, Donald Trump, David Vitter, and Steve Wynn (#32, Feb. 2018)
* 210,000 dead (and counting) is "acceptable". Because they're "virtually nobody" and "almost nothing". (#45, Oct 2020)
All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:
* People making $400,000 a year are poor.
* A quarter million people dying is funny.
Paraphrased from Dr. Jack.
* The Senate has plenty enough time in the month before an election to ram through an unqualified extremist Supreme Court nominee and investigate laughably phony emails about a Presidential candidate's family member, but not enough time to pass an economic stimulus bill that would alleviate the suffering of millions during a pandemic and that the House had already passed months ago.
* Mister Rogers is bad.
* Millions of people out of work and a cratering economy is a good thing.
* Expecting a Republican to follow the rules is unfair.
* Only Republicans are allowed to change the number of seats on courts.
* America's greatest threat: a pop star who likes to dye her hair blue.
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