Here's my suggestion for genuine conservatives:

[struggle4progress]

Confiteor Deo omnipotenti, et vobis fratres,
quia peccavi nimis cogitatione, verbo, opere et omissione:
mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
Ideo precor beatam Mariam semper Virginem, omnes Angelos et Sanctos, et vos, fratres,
orare pro me ad Dominum Deum nostrum.

[KatyMan]

1. Yes but that suggests

Forgiveness without consequence.

[Solly Mack]

2. When you consider that conservatives have conducted themselves in egregious

ways while professing a belief in a god, I think repeating those words would be meaningless to them.

Oh, they could repeat them. They simply wouldn't follow them. Or believe them. Or mean them.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

3. When was the last time any of them bewailed their manifold sins and wickedness?

OK, that's Anglican and not Catholic, but it will do - However, confessing sins under any rubric assumes they actually think they sinned.