If You Were A Parent But Didnt Know It, Would U Want To?

[Garion_55]

Pretend for a moment you had a wild and crazy teenage to mid 20's years.

You partied a lot and had a bunch of one night stands with strangers you never again hung out with. One of those ends up producing a child you didnt know about. the mother having no idea who you are or how to contact you.

20-30 years later. U are Thinking about running one of those ancestry.com dna things for shits and giggles.

a strange match comes back you werent expecting. someone half your age? not part of any immediate family you can think of.

what if? its your child? what? no way.

hmmm. maybe?

crap.


what would you do?

pretend there was no match? assume after 30 years its best to leave it alone and move on?

contact the person? figure out if they are yours and try to what? start up a relationship? with a basic stranger?



asking for a friend lol

[malaise]

1. Well this is clearly a for men only question

so I'll watch the replies.

[MyOwnPeace]

4. Oh, sure!!!!!

Just 'hide' and avoid being responsible - way to go, Malaise!!!


Well, as a guy - I guess I'd just try to find out the truth and go from there.


PS: Something like that DID happen with David Crosby (CSN&Y) - they met up and actually worked together as musicians once they found out!

[malaise]

8. ROFL This can only happen to guys

We'd know if we were pregnant

[Buckeye_Democrat]

26. DNA tests have almost resulted in women losing...

... their children in the past. They were accused of falsely posing as the biological mother of some close relatives' children.

The DNA tests were accurate, but it turned out that the women were chimeras. They had two sets of DNA, resulting from separately fertilized eggs merging together in the womb. Some of their organs/tissues had one set of DNA whereas others had different DNA.

When DNA was instead sampled from their reproductive areas, the controversies ended.

EDIT: Being a chimera is extremely rare among humans, but it also makes me wonder if some men have ever been "ruled out" as the father in paternity tests for the same reason?

[malaise]

29. Fascinating

There is a fabulous book written by a medical colleague of mine - Sonia King. It's still very popular. It started out as her retirement lecture.

More than a few men have discovered that the child they thought they fathered was not theirs. Di man get a 'jacket'. Some got a full suit. It is both funny and serious.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13520031-jacket-or-full-suit

[Demovictory9]

56. ..and gave.birth

[malaise]

59. Yah think!

True story - Several years ago I was a director for a sports youth league. The Chairman had a wife and son. I found their relationship very strange - she was much younger and flirted with all the youngster's dads The son grew up and since the Chairman had US citizenship he decided to file for his son. That now requires a DNA test. Well the wife seemed nervously hesitant but he insisted since the kid would have more college options.
Turns out the kid wasn't his biological child - it broke his heart because he adored the boy and had raised him as his own.

[Demovictory9]

58. ..and gave.birth

[hlthe2b]

7. LOL... i.e., a very much less than 50% question.

[Wawannabe]

10. My. Thoughts. Exactly!

...

[Beakybird]

2. I would reach out

[livetohike]

3. This happened to a friend of mine last year after he

did a DNA test. He was shocked (he’s 72) and his child is 50 and there are two grandchildren. He made the first contact after seeing the results. He’s very happy to have a family as he never married. The mother in this liaison had passed away. Added benefit is his new found son and family are all Democrats . They live a two hour drive away and have met and stay in touch.

[LeftInTX]

54. He did the right thing

I read lots of heartbreaking stories about birth parents...

Many are searching for years.

Glad to hear this one has a happy ending...

[Bucky]

68. That's a happy ending

[Irish_Dem]

5. The amount of DNA you share with this match will tell you if she is your child or not.

And will point to exactly what relationship she is to you.

I suggest you first determine how this match is related to before contact.
If you can post the cMs I can tell you how she is related to you.

I conduct DNA adoption searches as a hobby. Everyone is different in terms of making contact with a close but unknown DNA match. It is your choice.

Some people find a meaningful relationship with close but previously unknown matches.
Others have some difficulty because family secrets may be revealed.
And the contact may be rebuffed. So you have to go in prepared for several potential reactions.
Many do have a positive experience, once the shock wears off.

So it is your choice. But again, I would determine the nature of the relationship before contact and the shared cMs will tell you that.

[DonaldsRump]

14. I'm curious how accurate these DNA analysis businesses are?

I'm referring to retail stuff like ancestry.com etc where anyone can buy the service. I did one of these, and most of it was "correct". However, in the past couple of years, a small amount of my DNA went from "Ashkenazi Jewish" to "Korean."

This made we wonder about the accuracy of these tests in general. Maybe it works for the bulk of your DNA, but isn't so reliable at the fringes?

[Buckeye_Democrat]

15. Ethnicity estimates are much harder and less reliable.

They perform much better at detecting close relationships from percentages of shared DNA.

Distant relationship estimates -- e.g., 4th cousins and beyond -- can be tricky too.

[DonaldsRump]

25. Ok, that makes sense. Thanks. nt

[Irish_Dem]

31. Buckeye gave you the correct answer!

Ethnicity studies are evolving and in the past have not been as accurate as the relationship matching.

[Deb]

6. If you were a grandparent and didn't know it, would you want to?

Be brave!

[KG]

9. no.

[safeinOhio]

11. Lots of stories out there about those

DNA results. I know of a few surprises.

[Arkansas Granny]

12. A similar situation happened to someone I know. At the age of 40+ he took one of

those Ancestry.com tests and discovered his bio-dad (who had also taken a test) and siblings. They made contact and met and have formed a relationship.

I suppose that anyone who takes those tests should realize that the results may be surprising.

[Klaralven]

13. I think the child should make first contact

The child would know how it will affect the mother's family, their family, etc.

Meanwhile, you have a name and an age range and can probably do some online research about the child if the name isn't too common. Facebook?

[WePurrsevere]

22. I tend to disagree. As an adoptee in DNA & adoptee/NPE support groups...

I can tell you quite a lot of us are afraid of rejection and a close family member reaching out and being kind would mean the world to us.

There are exceptions of course but IME most of the time it's best to gently reach out to unexpected new family members. I will add that both parties should be prepared for rejection but that's life.

[seaglass]

27. The issue is that you cannot know why someone did Ancestry DNA and by reaching out you

could potentially devastate someone's life.

I had an unexpected match and did reach out, at the time I did not know she was my half-sister so my message was fairly generic. She did not respond so while I was disappointed, I let it drop.

A year later she emailed me but I could tell by her message that she did the DNA as a lark and was not looking for family members, she thought I might be a cousin on her father's side. There was no way I was going to tell her that her father was not her bio father. If she was interested she could figure that out on her own.

[WePurrsevere]

67. Life is a risk and devestation...

can come in many forms some even thought to be positive and even helpful at the time but later discovered to not be.

I'm glad that you reached out and didn't push when you figured out she wasn't at a place where the knowledge you had would be welcome. The way you did it was thoughtful and allows her to continue living the comfortable lie she was brought up believing in for now. If Ancestry labelled her as a half-sibling for you, it did so for her too so hopefully the truth will eventually sink/come out and she'll reach out to you.

Please consider this for a moment too though... What if you hadn't reached out and she 'had' known and been looking for her bio family but a fear of rejection or because she didn't want to devastate bio family members that had hidden the secret of didn't know about her? You could both be curious and want to reach out but be at a stalemate. In that case both sides, and the truth, loses.

[seaglass]

70. Ancestry is not that specific with labels, she's actually listed as close family-1st cousin. With

these options as 99% likely:
grandparent
grandchild
half sibling
aunt/uncle
niece/nephew

Cousin is less than 1% likely so I know that she has not done research.

When I originally saw the match and figured out the relationship I joined a NPE FB group so I could understand what her POV might be. I think there is a lot of advice about how to approach a match so I feel the person looking for bio family has the onus of reaching out. I don't consider it losing if neither person reaches out. It's a legitimate response to not want to upset a bio family in either direction. Truth? I know a partial truth - I have a bio half-sister. I don't know how she became and will never know, nor will she.

I am happy for people who are looking for a parent and who find them and are welcomed into a new family. Some people want that, others don't and that's OK.

[Ohio Joe]

16. Without question, yes

I would reach out right away.

[WePurrsevere]

17. I was an 'unknown' to my bio father...

I'm an adoptee who finally found the bio families I was hoping to find someday thanks to Ancestry, 23&Me DNA tests and a bit of genetic genealogy learning and sleuthing.

Sadly it was too late for me to meet my bio parents in person but I can tell you finding some of the answers I've longer to know has helped me so much. It even helped me to finally find a bit more peace over losing a baby to SIDS in '80 because I learned I had a close bio family member who had lost a baby the same way and in doing my tree I learned it was a genetic trait.

I love being able to see who I look like, where I get some of my quirks from, etc. Oh and that family tree project so many of us had to do in school? I can finally have MY genetic family tree not a made up one.

While not all, most adoptees and NPEs want to know more about the giant 'puzzle' that is who they are. In not knowing there's often the feeling of missing pieces.

I guess this is my way of saying, please reach out to unknown close matches. You, or your friend, may be a piece of their 'puzzle' they've longed to get to know (or need to find for health answers).

Here's one of the DNA tools I use (and is very popular) that you and others may find helpful when fighting out relationships...
https://dnapainter.com/tools/sharedcmv4
There's a green chart on this page that's excellent as well (great genetic genealogy info in general btw)...
https://thednageek.com/the-limits-of-predicting-relationships-using-dna/

Good luck and please try to put yourself in the new discover's shoes.

[panader0]

18. Like your "friend", I had a few flings in my youth.

One was a sweet girl who at 18 was 7 years my junior. We carried on for a month or so
and it was over, but a couple of years later I heard a rumor that she had gotten pregnant and had an abortion.
This really bothered me but she had moved and there was no contact. 40 years later I learned of her
whereabouts. The abortion thing had eaten at me all that time. I wanted to clear my mind so I got in
touch and asked straight out if it was true. To my great relief she said no and had never been pregnant
in her life. She has now retired from the Forest Service and lives on a river in Oregon. We e-mail all the time now.
I'm so glad I made contact. So was she.

[Jirel]

19. No. I'd be even madder if I was the young person.

First, if anyone contacted me because of ancestry.com, I’d tell them to get lost, and that’s the polite version. Having your name or family on there, for many of us, is not voluntary. We can’t help what our genetics-obsessed dumbass family members put there.

Second, blood-relations are meaningless. Human relationships we create are our family. For every fool who desired to track their blood relatives every which way because they feel there’s something meaningful in it, there’s someone who has never cared, or has even rejected their biological relationships in favor of people who raised them or they have raised, or who have other deeply meaningful relationships that are a family bond, who have zero biology in common.

Wanting to intrude into someone else’s life because maybe you’re their kid or their parent is the height of selfishness. I’d be pissed as hell if a total stranger made those overtures. 30 years ago? For someone I’d never met or known about? No.

You hear about a lot of “heartwarming” stories about people finding their birth parents. Well, there’s a dark side too, tons of kids and parents who wish they’d never met. There are tales of taking advantage, or families broken apart by decades-long secrets being unmasked, any number of things. That can’t be undone. I’d say leave it.

[dawg day]

32. Maybe if the bio dad was told he has to pay 18 years

Of child support, the child would know how committed he was to creating a connection.

[Buckeye_Democrat]

20. I'd probably try to contact them, but respect...

... their desire for no contact if that's their wish.

I played a joke on an older sister a few years ago. Not long before I was conceived, our father supposedly went through a "mid-life crisis" and moved out of the house for a couple months. He was spotted by my sister and her friends eating at a local diner, where some much younger waitress was obviously flirting with him. So my sister suspected they might be having an affair, just based on that flimsy evidence. She even learned the name of the waitress and confronted her, which made the woman upset as she denied any such nonsense.

I remembered her name for over 30 years, after hearing it only once, because it was kind of comical to me. It seemed like a phony name for a stripper or something.

Anyway, my father eventually moved back into the house and always claimed thereafter that he just needed a break because the stresses from the family became too much for him at that particular point.

So I told my sister about my DNA results from Ancestry, and then said there was a weird match for me. Some guy was estimated to be my half-sibling, and his last name was [the waitress' last name]. EDIT: Oh, and our father's first name.

She remained completely silent on the other end of the phone for quite awhile, and I told her that I was kidding after she started expressing disappointment about it.

[DonaldsRump]

21. If you are using an online DNA service, check your privacy settings and what is visible to others

I was hyper-concerned about privacy because I didn't want the DNA company to sell any identifiable information about me. I did what I could to make it undetectable (but I doubt it worked).

You may have different privacy concerns based on your OP. Until you're sure what you want to do, you might want to take steps to remove/limit the info that the online world can see about you and any potential relationship to you.

Just a thought.

[SKKY]

23. For sure. Absolutely. 110% yes.

[Demonaut]

24. yes

[snowybirdie]

28. Reach out

Before DNA, I found the sister my mom had put up for adoption 15 years before my birth. It was a wonderful experience. We were able to form a real bond for more than 20 years. Our families connected and it was worthwhile. Do it!

[Claire Oh Nette]

30. You'd meet your child.

Long before 23 and Me and DNA testing and facebook,
adopted people like me have done this. Called strangers who were our parents and forged relationships (or not).

Oddly, my birth father was far more receptive and over joyed and open arm than my birth mother was, but she carried shame and guilt that he did not. He knew I existed--a brithdate, and he was pretty sure he'd heard that I was a girl. I surfaced when I was 33.

It's a invitation, not a demand.

Tell your friend to meet his child.

[MineralMan]

33. I have to say that I've never found a reason to get one of those DNA tests.

I know my own ancestry back five or six generations, and am certain I never fathered any children. I never had sex with anyone I didn't know, and am still in contact with everyone I did have sex with, even if only rarely. It's a short list of only about a dozen people. No casual sex, and no one-night stands in my history.

I can't imagine what I would learn of any importance from such a DNA test, so I have no desire to get one.

[Klaralven]

44. In the case of 23andMe, they provide information about genes with medical risks

Not that you can necessarily do anything about it.

I am homologous for one Age-related Macular Degeneration risk allele and heterogeneous for another. And yes, I have AMD. But if I'd known a decade earlier, perhaps I could have delayed onset.

[Keth]

34. Well..

I'm safe because I've never had sex with a female. Now, if guys could get pregnant I might be in trouble - I had a wild heart on back in the day.

About DNA. I see commercials advertising tracing your family history using DNA. I don't know how that works since DNA collection is relatively new. How far can they actually go back using it? I've always wondered about that.

[csziggy]

36. Using DNA for tracing family history is a lot of conjecture and some hints (LONG)

Basically DNA results when compared can tell how many of the genes match between two people. Over the years as more and more people get tested and link their family trees to their genetic results, connections have been inferred so when looking for an ancestor, DNA results might provide clues.

Before I was ever DNA tested, I located the ancestry of a far back relative. My mother had tried to find where her great? grandfather Samuel Newman came from. She knew he had moved to South Carolina in the 1770s and started the Bush River Church, but she had not been able to find out where he came from. I was searching for William Crow, another ancestor who moved to the same place at the same time and joined the same church. I found a Crow who had married a Newman, could not connect him to my William Crow, but out of curiosity, followed the Newman line.

It turned out that Newman woman was the daughter of Walter Newman who is well documented in New Jersey and Philadelphia from his indenture in 1717, marriage, and land deals. Walter had fourteen children and his thirteenth was Samuel! One of the stories about our Samuel was that he was the thirteenth child, so I followed Samuel through the documentation of his life. He was married in Philadelphia and he and his wife became Baptists. Baptists were not popular at the time so they left Pennsylvania, moved to the wilderness of western Virginia, joined a Baptist church there (to avoid the Virginia laws against any other than the Church of England) until Indians attacked the community. The last record in Virginia for Samuel Newman is that he had moved to "the Carolinas" in 1768! Since his wife's name was the same, the records of their children's names and birth dates were the same, I determined that Samuel Newman was the son of Walter Newman of New Jersey - without taking any DNA tests.

Since a Crow family was closely linked to the Newman family, I believe that my William Crow also lived in western Virginia - but William Crow was not specifically listed and did not own land in the records I can find. But that Crow (who started my whole quest) that married the Newman daughter - his great great grandson ended up in Tennessee and married a widow after their children married. That widow is an ancestor of my husband!

On the other hand, my mother, sister, and I have searched for years to find where my third great grandfather was born with no success. A few years ago I talked my cousin into taking a DNA test to see if that would help us with a clue since is a direct male line descendant. I uploaded his family tree along with the results.

Nope, the closest matches were mostly men searching for their ancestors but who had different surnames. One had been told that he was likely the result of "an undocumented paternity event" and had been sent to the DNA study group that my ancestor was in since his DNA more closely matched than any other in the FamilyTreeDNA.com database.

The most interesting contact was from the mother of a young man who was trying to locate her son's biological father. The young man was the closest match, but not close enough to be my cousin's child (or the child of his sons). I sent the mother the tree I had of all the descendants of that ancestor - he had fourteen children who lived to adulthood and who had children - one had twenty four child by two different wives! That might help locate who the man was that donated sperm twenty years ago in California. Quite a few of my distant cousins moved west, though my immediate family members did not. I don't know if they ever found the father, but I helped where I could.

[Keth]

46. Thank you!

I appreciate the informative reply - it does intrigue me, the whole DNA connections.

When I lived in DC, I had an Aunt in Texas that was tracing her family tree and wanted to visit me so she could go to the National Archives to do some research. She never did visit -I wish when I lived in DC that I could have helped her out. She was my dad's brother's wife and a big Ann Richards fan. She was convinced George Bush stole the election from her. And she loved Whataburgers. And tracing our family tree.

Thanks again for the information. Good stuff!

[csziggy]

48. Some day, I'd like to visit the National Archives

But now much of their genealogical stuff is online and there is enough online to keep me busy for the rest of my life! That is the major reason I am on Ancestry - to get access to the scanned documents.

When my paternal grandmother was doing her family history over 100 years ago, she didn't need census data - she had actually talked to people who knew where their family members were back to the 1790 census! So I've looked up the actual scanned census pages and they give so much detail it's amazing.

When my mother started researching her family tree, only the census indices were readily available and those had very little data, pretty much the heads of household and very little else. Now that I am doing it, the actual census pages are online - I can not only look up my ancestors, I can see who was living next door and just down the road. That has given information otherwise not available.

I'd found out that my fourth great grandfather (the one that the DNA didn't help with) had married a 28 year old woman when he was 73. I wondered how that came about and in looking at the census found that she lived next door with her parents. My theory is that she was sent to help out the old man and the marriage came about. In 1873, a 28 year old woman was considered a hopeless spinster so maybe it was her opportunity to marry. Without the scan of the actual census page, I would not have seen the neighbor connection.

[LeftInTX]

60. In 2018, I got a call from a guy

It turns out that I had a family of great uncles and great aunts, who are only a few years older than me!

My great grandfather married a very young woman in 1946. He was born in the 1880s. He had another family. They knew about us, but I did not know about them. I guess my mom was embarrassed to tell us!

The guy calling me was my great uncle. He located me via my dad's obituary.

[csziggy]

63. That's kind of cool!

I know in my Mom's family there was resentment against that G?grandfather's second tier of kids - he had three children with the young woman. I've tried to trace her and her children, but I suspect she remarried soon after her first husband died since I couldn't find her in the next census.

Then his grandson remarried after my great grandmother died of tuberculosis in 1904. That woman was not nice at all to her step children and they all left home as soon as possible and seldom saw their father after that. Mom's father did not stay in touch with her and her children after his father died.

[Towlie]

35. Reminds me of Mostly Harmless, the last of 5 books in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series.

 
←

In Chapter 11, Arthur Dent travels around the galaxy:

He started to travel with wild abandon, trading in more and more spit, toenails, fingernails, blood, hair, anything that anybody wanted, for tickets. For semen, he discovered, he could travel first class.

Then in Chapter 14 he meets up with Trillian, the only other human being to survive the demolition of Earth:

Trillian gave Arthur a long look, and then, in a new tone of voice, said, "It's time for you to take
responsibility, Arthur.' ... "Random?" she called. "Come in. Come and meet your father."

[elevator]

37. How does all this work?

I had a relationship with a woman in the early 1990's. She was separated from her husband at the time. At least that is what she told me. After a few months she suddenly broke off our relationship and would not allow me to contact her. I subsequently found out she was pregnant and had gotten back together with her husband. She had a daughter nine months later. The timing of the whole thing worked out to make me pretty confident I was the father. I spoke with one of her friends who was very evasive.

About fifteen years ago I decided I would like to find out if my feelings had any merit. I've never had any children and truly just wanted to know if my feelings were accurate. I did not plan to contact the daughter, but was told by someone I had a legal right to know. They said it could be established through a blood test, but then the girl would find out. I just dropped the matter, but now I am 72 and would like to know if I do have a child before I pass along. Again, I don't want to
do anything to hurt this young women. I do know her name and where she lives through looking at her mother's facebook page over the years.

[CTyankee]

38. Look at it from her point of view.

How would you feel if it were you, finding something like this out. She has a life to live.

Also, what do you expect will happen as a result of your contacting her?

[elevator]

40. Go back and read my post. again.

I did not try to find out before with a blood test because I didn't want the girl to find out. And I re-iterated I still don't want to contact her. Comprende? I don't understand how this ancestry.com stuff works. That is why I posted.

[CTyankee]

42. I know what you posted. I was reinforcing your decision to not contact her.

[seaglass]

47. If you did a DNA test through Ancestry and she also did a DNA test through Ancestry, she would show

up on your profile as a match to you. Neither of you would be required to be identified by your real name but I don't think you would be able to block her from seeing you as a match or vice versa.

[elevator]

52. OK, by me.

What % of people have their DNA registered somewhere?

[Hotler]

41. Why give up your DNA unless ordered by the courts. DNA is your true personal password.

Corporations will sell it and that is never a good thing.
And never talk to the cops unless you have an attorney present.

[NNadir]

43. I had very few one night stands in my youth, but did have a few. I would want to know.

Most of my intimate relations were at least reasonably serious, and I remained in contact with these ex-girlfriends for some time, and would have known if they had gotten pregnant, possibly by me, toward the end of our relationship.

I can think of three cases where, under somewhat unusual circumstances, where the relationship was of the "one night stand," type. Two of the women could have contacted me if they wanted to do so; one couldn't have done so without some research.

If that woman had one of my children, I would certainly want to know, since I would have a responsibility at the very least, to offer genetic insights. That "child" would now be in his or her forties. But frankly, it was so long ago, there's no way I could find out.

I can think of only one woman with whom I had a relationship - a serious relationship - who was not prochoice, and at least one of my one night stands, who was a casual friend, discussed having terminated a pregnancy as a result of earlier relationships.

I slept with less than 20 people before I met my wife, and the several of those relationships at least lasted more than 6 months, a few, over a year and others at least several months. After meeting my wife, I have been very solidly monogamous.

I have a cousin who abandoned a pregnant girlfriend in his early 20s, but was sued and had to pay child support for her twins, which he did. He didn't have anything to do with those boys, and denied paternity, but eventually they contacted my aunt, their grandmother, who met them and said they were the spitting image of her son, and very nice boys as well.

In my family we love our cousin, but it has always been considered a black mark against him that he had nothing to do with those boys, who must now be in their 50s.

[LizBeth]

45. I do not do guilt, I don't live in the past of what if. I would be curious and put it out there and

if the person wanted to get a hold of me I would be available. No problem.

[Renew Deal]

49. I know someone that had this situation.

He was around 50 and adopted. He did one of the DNA test and found a half brother or sister. He connected with that person and ended up meeting his dad. His dad didn't know he was out there, but he did know the mom.

Is it better to know? Yes, probably.

[Politicub]

50. The parent of the child has not tried to contact the friend.

I would approach this from the standpoint of self reflection and empathy.

This friend (aka sperm donor) admits to living a wild life. I’m not sure of what all that entails, but some of the behaviors may have been toxic to other people.

The friend, by trying to get in contact, could end up disrupting the life of a family. Family is what we make it, and transcends genetics. As a gay man, I love the family of my choice, but tolerate extended family during holidays and funerals.

The friend was not a parent. So, in this case, the friend has no place to contact a genetic match. It would be self-serving and to satisfy a curiosity — there is not a relationship to rekindle. A painful genie may be released from a bottle.

I think acceptance is a better way to think about it — not pretending. If curiosity is overwhelming, I would suggest that the person see a therapist to work through the feelings.

On edit: The friend can’t control what happens unless there is a way to keep genetic information shared with Ancestry private. Here’s a pertinent section from Ancestry’s privacy policy:

“Ancestry does not share your individual Personal Information (including your Genetic Information) with third-parties except as described in this Privacy Statement or with your additional consent. We do not voluntarily share your information with law enforcement.” https://www.ancestry.com/cs/legal/privacystatement

[JuJuYoshida]

51. this is a no-brainer for lesbians

[LeftInTX]

53. I feel that if you discover a child like this, you have a moral obligation to own up to it.

That person was probably searching for their birth father.
They knew about you and were looking for years.

I belong to a few DNA groups on FB. I read countless heartbreaking stories of people locating their birth parents, only to be hurt badly.

Own up to it. Meet with the person, develop a friendship, answer their questions.

Trust me, if this is the case, that person was searching for you, for a long time......
They have questions....

[seaglass]

55. You absolutely can not know the reasons someone takes a DNA test and can not know what this

person knows or believes about her parents.

If she is searching for a bio parent, she will see the match and decide whether to contact or not.

[Vivienne235729]

57. Yes. I would want to do the genetic testing and find out for sure.

I would rather the other person say hell no than leave it to what if’s for the rest of my life.

[PatSeg]

61. Whether a person wants to know or not,

they should, unless he could be a danger to the mother and/or the child. Some things should not be kept secret and every child deserves to know who his/her parents are.

Lately with all the DNA testing sites, quite a few people are finding close relatives they did not know they had. One that I know of personally involved siblings and because of DNA testing, the skeletons came tumbling out of the closet. So many wasted years that could have been spent getting to know one another and a father who has serious regrets.

[meadowlander]

62. From another angle,

I'm a woman so unlikely to have kids I don't know about, but if my dad wasn't really my biological dad, I would want to know for medical reasons if nothing else.

It's probably best to approach it by managing expectations and considering the degree of certainty you actually have. I don't know enough about the science, but how definitive is it that that is really your child? It might be better to approach it as "this is a new cousin/niece/nephew/uncle/aunt etc. and that's about the level of relationship I can expect instead of "this is my long-lost mom or my new sister".

It would probably generally be nice to know more about yourself and where you come from and possibly invite some new people into your family but you shouldn't hang your whole happiness and the meaning of your life on sudden new relationships.

Also, I'd make sure to give a heads up to anyone else affected if you possibly can. If you're still in contact with the mother (and/or any non-biological father who might think they are the father) it's probably a good idea to check with them before you approach the kid so you aren't blindsiding them completely. They probably know your child a lot better than you do and might be able to arrange something where you all sit down together to talk about it instead of the kid getting a call out of the blue.

[Ms. Toad]

64. My daughter found her biological father that way.

Different situation - but ancestry DNA reveals stuff - sometimes whether you want it to or not (since it doesn't only reveal parent-child relationships, but cousin, grandparent, aunt, uncle relationships that can often lead to discovering parents/children who did not necessarily want to be found.)

In our case it was exactly what we wanted, after we had pretty much given up.

My daughter was born via donor insemination - in the era when, like adoption, donors were anonymous. Donors had to pledge not to try to find offspring - and moms had to pledge not to try to find donors.

My daughter signed up with ancestry.com - and her biological father's wife signed him up.

So she now as two half-siblings (at least), and a few extra parents, aunts, uncles, etc. She hit it off with her younger brother - although I'm not sure they are in touch much any more. But she has always wanted to know the other half of her biology - and we have always wanted for her to know it. Fortunately, he biological father was also open (and his (at the time) fiance knew he was donating so learning he had other kids out there wasn't a shock, and didn't raise concerns about wild affairs).

[SharonAnn]

65. A cousin of ours got a strong % match on 23andme with a young man unknown to us.

Asked if any of the cousins had been in Anchorage in the late 1980’s. Yes, our brother was there for years. Hippie type, usually couch surfing or homeless. He died in 2007.

The “match” turns out to be his son, our nephew. So we arranged a gathering and met him and stay in contact. Turns out he’s a wonderful person, and it’s shame he and my brother never met.

He had been in foster homes untul about 6, then adopted by a lesbian couple along with 3 of his siblings. He wanted to know who his father was so he used 23andme to start searching. If one our cousins hadn’t been on it, we probably wouldn’t have ever connected.

[Hekate]

66. Not something likely to happen to a woman

[Bucky]

69. I couldn't help but be sad over all the years I'd lost.

I'd definitely want to be involved in their life. I couldn't not. And there's nothing to be done about it, but I'd also feel ripped off