...he's sitting there shivering, ranting about libs while he sucks down cold beefaroni.

[kpete]

From this twitter thread:

Link to tweet

?s=20

so my eldest brother, who is a moron, has been playing soldier with his moron friends in the deserts of texas for the last year preparing for the collapse of civilization if biden won (lol). they were burying food and ammo stashes out in the desert, running drills, crazy stuff

this included getting a cb license so he could be their lifeline to other groups of white idiots when the cell towers all went offline. wouldn't want to violate federal law while communicating with your resistance groups after the fall of the federal government i guess.

anyways, you would assume given that they've been prepping for the end of the world for at least a year they're well situated to ride out the rolling blackouts right?

wellll

their plan for cooking and heating during an extended power outage was natural gas, but like a lot of homes their gas service is out. the food in their freezer and fridge is already toast due to the power outrages, so they're down to canned stuff, but there's a catch.

they can get into the pull top cans just fine, but the ones that require an opener? their only can opener is electric. so a good 3/4 of his canned food store is inaccessible to him unless he goes after it with a knife, which i sincerely hope he does.

so captain survival was eating unheated ravioli out of a can yesterday because i guess he doesn't know how to start a fire? they have a fire pit but it too is gas fired.

he told my mom they're probably going to break into the survival buckets soon. i'm sure that's great food.

he told my mom that the blackout is due to texas switching everything to "wind power" but that he didn't discount that the government was doing this on purpose. if you can figure out why they'd arbitrarily freeze out a giant state hey points to you.

the saving grace in all this is he's having to ration his phone usage so he can't sit on the phone with my mom for hours crying about it. he's forced to sit there and talk to his wife, who is almost as dumb as he is.

presumably he's sitting there shivering, ranting about libs while he sucks down cold beefaroni. what a life.

he's tried contacting his best friend in his little larping group, but he's gone to ground. i sincerely hope that means he thinks this is the start of the great purge or whatever and he's disappeared to the mountains to evade fema and child support bailiffs

i'm trying to get more details from my mom but i have to play it cool. if i laugh she'll stop telling me about it, so i have to pretend this is very serious and i'm concerned for his safety while i'm imagining him hitting a can of baked beans with a screwdriver repeatedly

on the plus side they've got plenty of guns and ammo, so they can shoot the shit out of the snow.

locking two people with marital strife in a house with no supplies, no access to power, but plenty of access to guns and ammo seems like a great idea. i think this should work out great.

just to give you all some additional comfort: his wife is part of the group who helps select the textbooks texas buys every year, just in case you're wondering about the kind of people that make those decisions.

https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2021/2/19/2016904/-Abbreviated-Pundit-Roundup-No-one-likes-Ted-Cruz-blizzard-edition#comment_80314235

[milestogo]

1. Let them eat ammo.

[Blue_true]

139. They can fire their AR to heat up the rations.

Then they only have to figure out how to open the can.

Honestly, if we had a civil war with that type, they wouldn’t have to kill us because we would from die rolling our eyes.

[liberalmuse]

2. I read this on Reddit the other day. A must read!

More delicious than an unopened can of Beefaroni, that’s for sure.

[Hermit-The-Prog]

3. OMG, Texans please forgive me but that cracks me up!

[Jirel]

13. You're forgiven.

I’m rolling on the floor laughing at my favorite visual of the morning, myself.

[mezame]

43. Me Too!

Ranks right up there with Samuel Clemens and Carl Hiaasen. Tom Lehrer would've had a field day with this.
Brilliant!

[Prof. Toru Tanaka]

105. I laughed a half-dozen different times reading this!

From the "Captain Survival" moniker, to the gas-fueled fire pit to the lack of a hand-operated can opener, this was flat-out hilarious!

Surprised this rock-headed moron couldn't just bust the can against his noggin and open it.

But hey, they've got plenty of guns and ammo!

And his equally ignorant wife is on the committee that decides what goes into the state's textbooks....

[Solomon]

161. Cracked me up too.

I found it to be hilarious after a few paragraphs. Couldn't stop laughing. Guffawing actually

[Auggie]

4. Not certain how to respond to this rather amazing read

Laugh out loud, shake my head, or both?

[mr_lebowski]

5. I like this guy ... the writer, not the brother

[machoneman]

37. Yeah, great, funny and insightful writing! Please do a follow up as I need a good laugh!

[MyOwnPeace]

6. My GAWD!!!!!!!

His family is a Faux Network sitcom!!!!

[SoonerPride]

7. This is the best thing ever.

Last edited Fri Feb 19, 2021, 12:09 PM - Edit history (1)

Or at least today.

[SmartVoter22]

8. Beefaroni helped win World War Two

while the Germans were building huge dining tents, three times a day, our boys ran arounf with cans of ChefBotArdee's Beefaroni, Spaghetti & Meatballs and Ravioli. easy to heat in the can and ready to go at any time.

If you don't think this tiny little fact helped win the war...think again. We were fed better and had mmore energy.

Now your brother may have intelligence quotients that you find suspect, but I think he's got a long-term survival skill you may want to adapt to youself.

Go BoyArDee. But, maybe re-think of the hows and whys, a week of below zero temps can happen in Texas.

[TheRealNorth]

25. It also makes good ammo for the antifa army....

When cans of soup run low.

[jb5150]

30. Don't forget Spam .....

......

[plimsoll]

35. Nothing wrong with the food,

You can put your nose up at it, but it’s calories, shelf stable, and could be comforting in bad circumstances. It even comes with pull tabs now for the logistically impaired, but it is sad that the master race hasn’t mastered one of human kinds oldest tools. These guys are supposed to rescue us from evil? It seems to me they’re likely to need rescuing themselves.

[sarge43]

59. The other one the survival cos players alway forget

a one or two quart sauce pan. Boil water to dig holes in soft ground.

[csziggy]

88. I was wondering if the survival food was freeze dried and has to be hydrated?

If so, with no potable water, how do they deal with it? And if they can't heat up canned food, how can they deal with a boiled water warning and cooking their survival food?

[plimsoll]

117. good question.

I have a water filter system for hiking. My plan is to go down the hill to a nearby creek and bring water back to the house if I have to. Also the guidance we have is to line the tub with plastic and fill it up before the water is gone.

But if your house is below freezing that might not be much help.

We make fun of people living in one room shacks, but a one room house only requires heating one room, and a few bodies might be enough to keep things above freezing.

[JHB]

136. If the "survival food" is like a military MRE, they'll need water (not necessarily potable)...

...for the flameless ration heaters. The FREs are chemical packs that produce an exothermic reaction when you add water (but since you're not drinking that water, there's leeway as to what kind of water you can use).

The FREs are used to heat up the contents of sealed packages of food (that isn't freeze-dried). For genuine military MREs, there's about 2 dozen recipes in service at any one time, and a few tend to get swapped out on a regular basis. Civilian versions catering to campers (and prepper-types) often have more options.

If you're mildly curious enough to look further, there's a variety of "taste test" videos on youtube:
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=mre+taste+test

[csziggy]

138. OK, so even the contaminated water would work for heating them

I've never bothered to research "survival packs" since even with prolonged outages after hurricanes, I was always able to manage to keep food and water:
Fill as many milk jugs with water as possible and fill freezer and refrigerator with them a few days ahead of time. Not only does it keep me in potable water, the jugs keep the freezer and fridge cold much longer. Us the food in the freezer first, then when the frozen jugs begin to thaw move them to the fridge to replace the jugs that have been used for drinking water.

Plus, I keep a pantry full of canned food if the rest runs out or goes bad.

Now I have a whole house generator, so this is not necessary as in the past.

[Blue_true]

142. No. There are ready to eat meals that can be eaten heated or unheated.

The US military labs has that down to a science, the meals supply all the nutrition and energy a soldier needs.

If the writer’s brother was a true survivalist, he could go into the wild without anything and survive by using resources that can be found in the wild. When a person is forced into such a situation, there are plenty of weapons in the wild if a person has to protect himself or herself. There is also plenty of food that will keep a person alive and fuel and materials for staying warm. The writer’s brother is a putz that stands around in body armor, holding a gun while everyone else are going about their business.

I honestly would be more terrified being on a spaceship that was traveling around the Milky Way galaxy than I would be getting thrust into the wild and forced to survive, even in extreme cold.

[Ilsa]

42. I think you missed a couple of items.

It isn't kpete's brother, but the Twitter account holder's brother.

Also, it isn't about the Beefaroni. (I have some in my pantry, too.) It's about not having fuel to burn to heat the food, or even a can opener for his other foods. He didn't think about that vertical level of planning. He didn't take himself through the process of having, accessing, heating, etc. Many of these "preppers" aren't prepared for anything except indigestion, and they simply don't realize how much they depend on others.

The twitter poster had been fed up with the QAnon rantings from his brother about the world coming to an end, and that he was fully prepped. The prepper missed the simplest objectives in planning for the end of the world. His survival skills aren't that great, IMO.

(I've run into this myself, as a potential flood victim, and having lived in a hurricane zone. I had iodine tablets on hand, a great camping water filter, containers and bleach, if necessary, for keeping a potable water supply, as well as a camp stove, etc. When I went to the store to pick up a few extra comfort items, a middle-aged woman was crying about the shelves being empty of water supply. I had to give her tips on how to care for herself.)

[Blue_true]

143. You made excellent points.

The writer’s brother is not a survivalist. He is a pinhead that bought a lot of guns and ammo. Put him into a true survival situation, doubtful that he lasts more than two weeks.

Water is important. But in a true survival situation, there isn’t likely to be much. Food is more important in such a situation, the body can extract enough water from food to survive. So the goal should be getting food on a regular basis, with water being a bonus.

[DENVERPOPS]

102. You mentioned WWII, german soldiers and American Soldiers surviving

It made me think of a brilliant movie titled "Silent Night" and stars Linda Hamilton.
It's about German soldiers and American Soldiers, accidentally ending up in a cabin together during Christmas Day.......
It is really hard to find this movie, but I finally found it on Amazon?
I think it should definitely be one of the movies shown on TV during Christmas, but I guess they figure it requires to much thinking....
Linda Hamilton puts in a stellar performance.........

Another great Christmas Movie they never show is "Three Wise Men"

[soldierant]

116. In World War I, 1916 I think,

there actually was a spontaneous Christmas Truce. There was an opera made about it also called "Silent Night" (because it was triggered by a soldier singing that carol, who was joined by other soldiers from both sides, singing in multiple languages.)

[JHB]

137. 1914, the first Christmas of the war.

After that, things had gotten a bit too bitter to sing songs and play ball with the other side.

[soldierant]

159. Thanks for the correction.

Glad I'm not the only person who knows about it/

[JHB]

162. Oh, plenty of people know about it...

...although less so among Americans, because it was before we got involved.

[DENVERPOPS]

144. Nope,

this story is definitely WWII.

[soldierant]

160. It's a different story.

[Prof. Toru Tanaka]

109. Ettore (Hector) Boiardi did a lot for his country feeding the troops with his products!

I always liked his picture on the cans, he looks like a kindly, caring grandfather.

RIP and thank you, Mr. Boiardi (Boy-ar-dee)!

[Blue_true]

141. Yes. And the US soldiers had manual can openers.

There is nothing wrong with the food choice. But if the writer’s brother is a true survivalist, he would damned well know that the first thing in survival is knowing how to manually do things, like open stuff, get heat to stay warm and cook, get food in the wild, build weapons.

The writer’s brother has no skills at all, all he appears to have are guns, ammo and a loud mouth. All of those can be neutralized in a true conflict.

[Midnightwalk]

9. I wonder if they were all day time drills in his backyard

I can’t imagine not figuring out you need one of those can openers after one or two days camping. I’m a dumbass who grew up in a city and I managed to bring a can opener (swiss army knife) first time I went backpacking.

[Aristus]

10. A Doomsday prepper couldn't get a hold of a P-38 can opener?

They sell them by the dozens in Army surplus stores...



I had one hanging off my keychain for years. And I'm not even a prepper.

[Hermit-The-Prog]

22. Thank you! I never knew what that was called ...

I have one my late father gave me decades ago. It looks a little different -- gray and dull, but then he was a WWII vet. (I don't know if he carried it from over there or if he picked it up later).

I would never have guessed "P-38" and would have assumed that referenced the plane if anyone mentioned it.

[Aristus]

23. I think P-38 is just a nickname that stuck.

I carried one the entire time I was in the Army, even though, when I was in, we had MRE's in a tearable wrapper, instead of cans. It could be useful ripping open a stubborn MRE pouch.

[Hermit-The-Prog]

27. Now that you mention it ...

It sounds like something a GI would come up with. You get a slow-assed can opener so you name it after a P38 Lightning.

[MyMission]

49. There's also a bigger version, P-51

I work in an Army Navy store, and we certainly sell a good number of P-38's each year.
At 2 for 60¢ they're a real bargain. Every once in a while someone pulls our their keyring to show me they always carry one. There is also a larger version we don't carry.

The P-51 is the larger version of the P-38 and was often used by mess hall cooks to open the big trays and large cans of chow. The P-51 is a full 2" long. ... Some prefer them over the P-38s because a P-51 will open cans much easier and faster and will last much longer than the P-38.

[whopis01]

91. Its named after its size - 38mm

There is another version that is 51mm.

So (no joke) there is a P-38 and P-51 can opener - just to add to the confusion with the planes.

[niyad]

26. I don't have one of those' but I have a couple of handy little multiple-use gadgets in my purse that

I got at the dollar store. Used to have a Swiss Army knife, but that disappeared.

[Ilsa]

46. Yes, I think TSA & Homeland Security has my mini Swiss Army knife/nail file.

I think knife was about 2 cm long, but it had a nice dull point. But I always had "tools" in my purse.

My larger SAK was packed in my checked luggage.

[MyMission]

55. The TSA has a HUGE collection, which they sell

We sell Swiss army knives where I work. Many people buy one to replace one that was confiscated when they flew. Some are also looking to replace multi tools.

I had a TSA agent confirm they are the most common knife they confiscate.
He also told me they auction off the knives. I googled that and found out its true.

https://coolmaterial.com/gear/tsa-confiscated-knives-for-sale/

[burrowowl]

103. The Swiss army knife can opener is not as good now as it used to be

but the cork screw works well.

[DENVERPOPS]

146. I think you should check it out

The Swiss Army Knife manufactured by Victorinox has always been far superior, and their can opener works week.

The other brand I think is Wenger? and it is nowhere near the Victorinox design or quality, and their can opener design sucks.

The two emblems on the outside of the knife are different. The Victorinox is shield? shaped with a cross, and the other one has a curved corner frame with a cross. Check out Victorinox Swiss Army knife on the internet......

[burrowowl]

163. Is a Victorinox and

they used to be carbon steel.
The spring on the scissors broke and I am waiting for the knife store to reopen.
I used to have a watch as well for about 13 years, the jeweler couldn't repair it but said it was of the good vintage the new ones are less well made,

[DENVERPOPS]

164. spring thing happened to me

I went to REI and they made me buy TEN of them. I wish there were a way to get your address and I would just send you one!

[Blue_true]

145. A survivalist would likely have a knife that is of decent size.

That can be used to open cans and the lid from a can can be saved, shaped with rocks and used to sharpen the knife in a pinch.

[plimsoll]

36. Or my Swiss Army knife.

This fellow failed the basics of the Scout motto.

[Aristus]

39. He only knows the gun-fucks' motto:

Plenty of gunz, gunz, gunz! And ammo.

And by the looks of most of them: plenty of biscuits and gravy, and pork chops with gravy, and beefsteak with gravy, and turkey with gravy, and...

[Ilsa]

47. ...stuffing. Lots and lots of stuffing and mash. With gravy, of course. nt

[plimsoll]

51. That's for sure.

Although, I can't possibly criticize them for gravy in principle. I'm pretty fond of Svenska Kottbullar (Swedish Meatballs).

[GoneOffShore]

81. And so many of them end up with 'biscuit poisoning'. A term coined by a cardiac care nurse

in South Carolina.

[JHB]

140. ...and gravy, pork chops, biscuits and gravy

gravy, pork chop, gravy, gravy, biscuits and gravy
gravy, gravy, gravy, pork chop and gravy
gravy, chicken-fried steak, gravy, gravy, gravy, biscuits, gravy, green fried tomato and gravy
gravy, gravy, gravy, gravy, gravy, gravy, meat loaf, gravy, gravy, gravy and gravy

[Yavin4]

38. Isn't a manual can opener Prepper 101?

Basic stuff, right? It's not all guns and ammo.

[bobandrileysmom]

54. I have one on my keychain, too. Stabbed myself numerous times.

[Aristus]

65. Yeah, that's one reason why I don't carry it anymore.

Welcome to DU.

[sarge43]

60. Hubby still have his. Very handy tool n/t

[Aristus]

108. The small end is a very effective flat-head screwdriver if you don't have one of

those handy.

[Mountain Mule]

66. I used to have one of those on my keychain for years

It used to belong to my late Dad who was career military, and I carried it in his memory. It came in handy more than once. I can't believe a prepper wouldn't have at least one.

[forgotmylogin]

68. Are you talking about the one that has a point?

You pry the can to break the seal, and then put the point under the slit and pry around the circumference of the can slicing through the lid? I remember this from watching old Popeye cartoons! That's the classic, but many people don't use them because it creates sharp edges on the can lid.

That works, but in lieu of that, even a normal manual rotary twist can opener fits easier into a storage kit than an electric can opener!

They even have those ones that you attach to the lid and twist the key and it goes around and unseals the lid where it's actually replaceable.

That's the thing about Doomsday prep: You cannot count on any resources such as electricity or natural gas. In the short term there are campstove propane tanks, but anything that require gas or electricity could quickly become useless.

Even those "food buckets" usually require hot water or that's going to be some gloopy cold mush.

[sarge43]

80. Regular gasoline has a shelf life at best 6 months

Diesel about a year

However, a cos play survivalist will probably be dead before that.

[DENVERPOPS]

148. If you add

Sta-Bil to the gas, regular or un-leaded, it will stay good for 1-2 years. I use it straight to winterize mowers, blowers, generators etc.
If you don't use it, the gas will separate and "varnish goo" up the fuel line and carburetor.
I siphon out the gas from the tank, pour in a 1/4 cup of Sta-Bil, then run the engine until it stops. Works really really well.

Not sure about the Diesel, but I do know that the huge back up generators for buildings that run off diesel don't suck the Diesel in the underground tanks all out every year and fill the tank with fresh.

[COL Mustard]

70. Probably Wouldn't Know How To Use It.

I'd laugh at their first efforts.

[burrowowl]

101. Best can opener ever!

[Ingersollman]

112. Ah

the old P-38. I had one hanging from my neck with my dog tags for 8 years. One of the most useful tools I obtained during my time spent with Uncle Sam.

[eppur_se_muova]

119. Thanks, I knew someone would point that out !

(Also not a prepper, and I own several!)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/P-38_can_opener

[TexasProgresive]

132. I don't know why but we called P-38s John Waynes.

I had one on my key chain as well but it made holes in my pockets and I go an ultimatum

[Richard58]

134. I have one of them too!

I keep it in my kitchen in case the power goes out and I want to open a can of--whatever. I am shocked that the prepper in the story didn't have one of those. What a dumbass!

[denbot]

154. My Dad still has one on his key chain.

I have one somewhere.. I think.. shit, time to head to any surviving Army Navy store..

[tanyev]

11. "their only can opener is electric"

[PatSeg]

12. Clearly this guy has never even been camping

There are so many great items you can stock up on for emergencies, but I would think any survivalist would put a regular can opener at the top of the list! Perhaps spending money on a case of Sterno, a solar powered charger, and some basic camping equipment might be better than more guns and ammo.

There clearly are some people who will not survive a apocalypse.

[Jirel]

15. Actual camping requires planning.

These guys never get past “Muh extra guns are buried HERE.” Then it’s off for beers and bbq and pounding each other on the shoulder. Practicing actual survival skills in the woods? What, you think he’s some kind of commie?

[PatSeg]

58. A whole lot of talk over a lot of beers

"Tomorrow we should do a dry run in the woods, but meanwhile, lets have another beer!" Little men with big ideas and no viable plan. You know, even a Boy Scout could survive better than these clowns.

[Ilsa]

50. I guess he planned on using the guns and ammo to steal from successful preppers.

No one would bother looking at his stash twice as he starves to the point of not being able to lift a gun. In fact, most preppers would offer him supplies. (He could trade them t.p.)

[PatSeg]

63. Yes, if he had the foresight

to stock up on toilet paper. You can see how quickly a society could dissolve into a dystopia in a very short period of time. It is really a scary thought.

[sarge43]

64. They're still playing video games

You know, things are going sideways, punch the Esc button and start over.

Real life just crashed through the door.

[PatSeg]

77. Oh yes

Or sitting at the end of the local bar, on your fifth or sixth beer, and bragging about your cunning plans for survival, probably getting louder with each beer. "No sir, Mama didn't raise no idiot", as he reveals where he buried the guns and ammo.

[Blue_true]

147. My number one survival tool would be a good knife.

It just makes so many other things possible, and it opens cans, if a person has them.

[PatSeg]

158. Oh yes, absolutely

[Bettie]

14. I died at the part

where they only have an electric can opener!

Also, if it is cold outside and you have no power, you use the garage or the trunk for a freezer/fridge. Um, DUH!

[Jirel]

17. Apparently most Texans don't think that way.

I have had multiple friends announce they lost their entire fridge/freezer of food. Having lived in the frozen north, my mind boggled. For us, the frozen porch was where you kept the liquor and all the drink fixings from milk to olives during the party. Putting stuff in snow was just what you do.

[greenjar_01]

126. I know! How your food gonna go bad when it's cold outside and snow on the ground?

What in heaven's name???

[yellowdogintexas]

129. I know! When this mess started, we figured we would take the already frozen food

and put it in the flatbed of the pickup. (it has a locked cover over it) The regular refrigerated food could just go in the garage. I is definitely cold enough out there that nothing would spoil

We are among the fortunate ones who did not lose power.

[Blue_true]

149. Most Texans aren't play acting survivalists.

I have met some real survival types in my life, not the kind that are hoping for the fall of civil action, just the types that could survive without any support if they needed to. To those people, cold is a nice refrigerator and coming upon a a rattlesnake means that they get a good meal.

[Kaleva]

29. no doubt. pack snow into containers and put them in the fridge

and freezer. or just do what you said and move the stuff to an unheated garage or storage shed.

[monmouth4]

16. I had to wait about 5 minutes to read the last two sentences 'cause I was laughing so hard with

tears in my eyes. Oh. My. Gawd. Poor souls.

[leftieNanner]

41. Me too

I tried to read it out loud to my husband. Couldn't do it.

[Hekate]

93. I handed it to hubby directly while I went to get a cup of joe from the Keurig...

I’m not too proud to suck down some instant coffee at need, however.

My oldest prep kit in the garage has a manual can opener in it, along with big kitchen matches. The only potential problem is that when I bought that opener 30+ years ago, neither of us had arthritis — but I have a feeling we’d manage, when faced with a can of spam.

My gods this is hysterical. The moron survivalist really, truly thought the electricity and gas would keep flowing when the Apocalypse came?

[leftieNanner]

98. Some good news for you!

Spam cans have a pull tab!

Bought a can when the shut down happened last spring.

I've never had an electric can opener. So far, arthritis free. Although I am developing Dupuytren's Contraction in my right hand. Hopefully it won't get too bad. That must mean that I have Viking blood in me somewhere!

[DENVERPOPS]

150. they often do think the utilities will keep coming.

Dallas and others cities that froze, lost the Natural Gas, Electricity, and the pumps that deliver the water and natural gas to the entire city went out. The water will come back on when the mains in the streets are all repaired or replaced. I would guess that the entire hot and cold water lines in every house, as well as the water heaters will have frozen and burst. And I am sure that some cities have failed to think about the sewer system and the pumps at the sewer treatment plant and pipes have probably frozen and burst also.
The "ripple effect" or "cascade effect" of the freeze will start to be seen with tons of other things trashed by things that they haven't even thought of. And, I have to wonder about the water cooling pipes and pumps on the Nuclear power plants.......

With millions and millions of homes and buildings severely damaged by the frozen pipes and leaks, we may actually see some home owner's insurance companies go bankrupt.......

And I can guarantee you, that premiums for home owners insurance are going to go sky high across the nation in the near future.
Hail, Flooding, Freezing, hurricanes, tornadoes are all increasing and costing the insurance companies a fortune more than they planned on spending.

After all the wildfires last year and this year, the insurance companies have quit writing policies for structures in the mountains and forested areas, and not renewing policies when they come up for renewal.......

[UpInArms]

18. omg ...

I haven’t laughed that hard in ... forever ...

Thank you for posting!

[Wednesdays]

19. Wait. The natural gas supply is interrupted because of wind turbines?

[Initech]

20. You can only prep for Doomsday so much...

And then when a doomsday scenario actually happens you're still not prepared enough.

[Kaleva]

32. one needs to prepare for what realistically can happen.

this guy and his friends prepared for mass attacks from BLM and Antifa

[niyad]

21. Thank you for sharing this. Someone should tell that idiot that one uses a screwdriver and a hammer

Sheeeeesh!!!! Don't these preppers know anything????

[Laelth]

24. How do they expect to get natural gas after civilization collapses?

Are they going to dig their own well? How are they going to power the pump?

That’s a really stupid plan they’ve got.



-Laelth

[Aristus]

28. A canned-bean party around the campfire and a pressurized canister, maybe?

n/t

[halfulglas]

73. Bean party brings visuals of scene from "Blazing Saddles."

[Laelth]

74. LOL.

That’s probably a scheme that they are too stupid to think of themselves. That said, they might actually consider it brilliant.



-Laelth

[TNNurse]

31. There are some great images in this writing.

They really did not put their frozen food outside??? And a survivalist has a gas powered fire pit??? That is so lame.

[mr_lebowski]

52. The writer DID preface this missive with the disclaimer 'my brother is a moron' (nt)

[world wide wally]

33. Funny story.

I wonder if she will be selecting Boy Scout manuals too

[catbyte]

34. Yeah, just like the bonehead "preppers" here in Michigan who stormed our Capitol in April

whining that they "needed a haircut."

[Canoe52]

40. Crazy Russian Hacker shows how to open can without can opener.

[mezame]

48. I Can't Decide Which Is Funnier...

...the original read, or this.

[IronLionZion]

62. That's good to know

Doomsday preppers should like things that are crazy and Russian

[Warpy]

94. That's great!

You can open a corked wine bottle by carefully banging the bottom against wood, hard but not hard enough to break the bottle. The cork gradually pops out.

Here's another method for opening cans without a can opener, but it's not recommended:

[3catwoman3]

100. Entertaining and informative.

Good senses of humor, too. When you can be funny in a second language, that is an accomplishment.

[SunSeeker]

111. "En guess vhat, ket gonna survive too."

[ShazzieB]

123. That one got me, too!

[plimsoll]

44. I'm pretty sure an urban kid from LA would do better.

Power and water go out during earth quakes, the civil authorities always push on the emergency preparedness. We have a weeks worth of canned food 8 gallons of water (rotated yearly). Then you get to the buckets, and finally a 3 day emergency bag for each family member. In Puget Sound it’s a matter of when not if. Seriously I thought Texas had tornadoes and hurricanes, how can you be this unprepared.

[FrankTC]

45. Hilarious

Six months from now, when the disaster has receded, and it has become obvious that civil war didn't break out, and civilization hasn't totally collapsed, and nobody is coming for the guns -- will these folks have learned anything? Will they reassess their assumptions and beliefs. Assuredly not. They'll probably believe that the forces of darkness pulled back precisely because they were so well prepared and well organized. They prevented the end of the world through their farsighted discipline and planning. I guess we should thank them, if only for the entertainment.

[housecat]

53. in a nutshell. Hilarious. Thanks for the visuals -- I needed that.

[leighbythesea2]

56. Hilarious and Terrifying

Some succinct observations in there. But that last line is sobering.

[IronLionZion]

57. What sort of person doesn't have a manual can opener?

let alone a survivalist who is supposedly planning to survive without electricity?

I'll admit I won't be able to do much without power in my urban high rise apartment, but at least I can open my damn cans.

It's good to always have at least a small P-38 can opener



Maybe he can shoot the cans open.

[yellowdogintexas]

128. yep a P 38 and a can of Sterno can provide a satisfying meal

That is Michelin quality food if you have been caving for several hours. I have eaten many a meal of canned chicken breast, canned fruit and pop top pudding, warmed over Sterno.

I always wore my can opener and my carbide lamp tip cleaner on a string around my neck.

[rickford66]

61. The libs have plenty of babies to eat .... right ?

[zeusdogmom]

67. Rule no. 2 for emergency food prep or any time one is relying on canned food for that matter

2 - yes 2 - manual can openers because “two is one, one is none”

What a funny, funny read. And so many stupid, stupid people. One would think the level of stupidity would eventually lead to culling of the herd. But obviously not. (I know I’m an awful person).

And yes - I have 2 can openers along with basic equipment for warming the contents of the can. Girl Scouts taught me well. 😁

[Kaleva]

120. Yep. I have 2 manual can openers also and a way to cook food if power goes out.

with LP gas, I can light the top burners of the stove with a torch lighter and I have several of those along with a box of kitchen matches.

[Captain Zero]

156. A lot of thin people coming out of this Texas Diet

Too soon?

[Oscarthegreat]

69. Think Darwin

It's called natural selection brother.

[rurallib]

87. Are guns 'n' ammo natural?

I guess in the good old USA they are

[Grokenstein]

71. The Texas textbook thing always pisses me off.

Fringe-conservative fundie dominionists allowed to rewrite and whitewash our history?
How could that possibly go wrong?

[halfulglas]

72. I got rid of my electric can opener years ago.

It's too hard to keep clean and taking up space. Even with arthritis in my left hand, the manual ones with the wheel thing is easy to operate, rinse off and dry and put it back in the drawer.

[Rorey]

76. Yeah, I remember when I thought I needed one

These days I hardly ever even use the manual one because most canned products that I use have the flip top.

[knightmaar]

75. Kinda funny, but also scary.

Maybe it's the Canadian in me, but "Angry, Starving, QAnon Texan with heavy armament" is someone I want to stay well away from.

[BlackOpz]

78. OMG I'm Crying Laughing. This Needs to be a MOVIE!! - NO CAN OPENER is the Plot Twist nt

[BlackOpz]

79. Survival Planning with NO Generator? I thought being 100% OFF-GRID was the Goal

[mwooldri]

82. You don't need a license for a CB.

Unless they're going amateur radio.

And relying on piped natural gas? And no power backup? What kind of prepping is that? Hank Hill could prep better than that, and he's a cartoon character.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

83. I have never owned an electric can opener

in all my 72 years. I don't even know for sure how they work.

In any case, the brother clearly hasn't thought things through.

[Catherine Vincent]

84. I can't imagine

I can't imagine a prepper not having a manual can opener. Even I have one.

[Azathoth]

85. "has a fire pit, but it's gas-fired"

Perfectly sums up the modern right-wing rugged individualist militia LARPer.

And a survivalist/prepper who doesn't have a manual can-opener is like a tennis player who doesn't own a racket.

[lpbk2713]

86. No can opener? That's precious.

Don't you have a can opener?

No. I thought you had one.

I was sure he said he had one.

Nope. He doesn't have one.

You sure you don't have one?

No I aint seen one.





(Not even a Boy Scout knife or a Swiss Army knife?)

[Jon King]

89. Right wingers make life so difficult...

Vote against their own interests, waste their kids minds instead of educating them for the future, spend hours online yelling about libs while they could be exercising, volunteering to coach kids, or 1000 other meaningful activities.

What an utter waste of the short time we are given to live.

[progressoid]

90. Reading some of her twitter feed...Her whole fam is nuts.

[ET Awful]

92. No TV and no beer make Homer something something. . . .

[BobTheSubgenius]

95. While appealing to my gallows humour - and more than a little - this is an awful story.

I don't know what it will take to jolt people like him out of the fantasy and back into real life, but I chose "jolt" on purpose. There is no way they will gradually absorb the norms of everyday American life, but will need a seminal event of some kind.

PRO TIP: Gunpowder is highly kinetic, and firing enough shots in a small room will eventually warm it up. It seems he is well-positioned for that technique.

It also has the additional benefit of being as entertaining AF for people like that, so it will be a great mood stabilizer.

[cayugafalls]

96. A survivalist without a multi-tool, almost too good to be true.

I'm not even a survivalist and I have several multi-tools with openers on them.

It's a fun story though.

[Texin]

97. OMG. I had to go into the bathroom to fix my mascara runs because I laughed so hard.

[Mabel]

99. Easy peasy

Rubber maid makes a great manual can opener with cushion grips and you can get it at most grocery stores. Should I post this on the survival forums?

[LiberalLovinLug]

104. Your article made me wonder now much frozen or refrigerated food has now spoiled on them

I can imagine that many of them have a lot of frozen food saved too. Yeah the zombie apocalypse would mean no power either, but I'll bet some are dumb enough to horde stacks of frozen meat as well.

[ShepKat]

106. imagine...

Sylvester the cat trying to open a can of tuna with an opener he can't use, stuck in the house with tweety bird LOLOL

[Evolve Dammit]

107. sounds like a real Gohmert

[Mad Lib]

110. Schadenfreude

It's a hell of a drug.

[airplaneman]

113. actually there is an easy way to open cans without any tools

You just need a flat piece of concrete. The lid is rolled over the top edge. Just scrape the top of the can on the concrete in figure 8's and squeeze the can and the lid pops off. Its actually quite simple and non-hazardous. Tell them you hear this from a Liberal.

-Airplane

[Kaleva]

121. I have cement blocks in the basement and I'll try that.

[JuJuYoshida]

114. I lolled at beefaroni

sorry but the dude sounds like a total dick

[TomVilmer]

115. Some freeze dried survival food can be delicious ...

... in the hands of a skillful cook. I was spending the winter of 2012 together with a lot of people, and even some guys severely hit by the Maya prophecy hysteria of that time. After the World seemed to survive the prophecies, and those guys had calmed a bit down, we feasted on all their expensive freeze dried survival food.

[Demobrat]

118. I wonder how long before

they try shooting the cans open. Should work.

[keithbvadu2]

122. Survival buckets

Apocalypse Chow: We Tried Televangelist Jim Bakker's 'Survival Food'

(It did not get rave reviews)

https://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2015/12/03/456677535/apocalypse-chow-we-tried-televangelist-jim-bakkers-survival-food

videos...
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=End+Times+Phony+Jim+Bakker+Wants+To+Sell+You+Food+To+Survive+The+Apocalypse

[Kaleva]

124. I prefer to stock up on what we usually eat and then make sure to rotate the stock

[ShazzieB]

125. That was a fun (but gross) read!

The worst part was the pictures!

I'm sure I could bring myself to eat that slop if I was desperate enough (desperate people will do desperate things), but I can think of multiple ways to avoid ever becoming THAT desperate. Yikes!

[denbot]

127. LoL, oh god I almost pee'd.

That was some funny shit!

[The Wizard]

130. Send him a case of cheap vodka (NT)

[Permanut]

131. Veteran Navy cook here..

Used the P-51's during GQ drills, the P-38's were too slow to feed 400 guys on a destroyer.

Couple things.

1. This entire thread is hilarious, and

2. My Dad actually opened cans with an axe when we were camping when I was a kid.

[WarGamer]

133. Brings back memories

I was a latch key kid in the 70's with a single mom working 2 jobs.

I think I LIVED on Beefaroni and Spaghetti-O's the one with the little hot dogs.

I still occasionally grab a can for the nostalgia.

[orangecrush]

135. OMG

[Nitram]

151. Reminds me of the survivalists in "Tremors."

[csziggy]

152. Burt Gummer never would have forgotten a can opener!

[Billytee]

153. What goes around, comes around.

[Captain Zero]

155. Youtube videos on how to open cans

With no can opener, but he doesn't have you tube right now, does he ?

[heckles65]

157. What I call the Teddy Lewis Postulate comes to mind

which is, if you embark on a risky course of action, the average person will not be able to anticipate half of the things that will go wrong. From the movie "Body Heat," exact quote below.

It's why I'm probably going to give a pass on "Greenland." World goes to custard, I know I'm not going to anticipate all the variables needed for survival. And a way I emphatically do not want to die is because some other survivalist sees I remembered to pack the correct amount of beans and decides he wants my stash - and he packed more ammunition.



I got a serious question for you: What the fuck are you doing? This is not shit for you to be messin' with. Are you ready to hear something? I want you to see if this sounds familiar: any time you try a decent crime, you got fifty ways you're gonna fuck up. If you think of twenty-five of them, then you're a genius... and you ain't no genius. You remember who told me that?