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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsLies, Damned Lies, and Lies About Beer Being Made From Meat (Ferret)
Republicans have yet to find a test of human decency too basic to enthusiastically fail, so aint it great theyre not in charge anymore? The news has two settings these days: Democrats fixing shit, and Republicans running around, screaming and rubbing poo all over their own faces for reasons best left to elite psychiatric professionals to diagnose. Still, youre here, so lets get chroniclin.
(GIT IT with nifty nooz links, here: http://showercapblog.com/lies-damned-lies-and-lies-about-beer-being-made-from-meat/)
Hey hey friends, didja see them new CDC guidelines? All these delicious new privileges raining down upon us, all at once, its like turning 21 all over again! I personally plan on going completely wild. Like, bachelor-party-in-Vegas wild, though my version of that will be stumbling from bookstore to bookstore and browsing for hours. Remember BROWSING IN BOOKSTORES? Unnnnnnnnnnnngh sploot.
A lot of the big stuff in the new guidelines pertains to mask wearing, and its all great, wonderful news, but at this point, the denizens of MAGA Nation have conditioned themselves into this Pavlovian response wherein they shriek tyranny and shit themselves whenever they hear the word mask, so of course theyre being all weird and hostile about everything.
For the love of all thats holy, somebody just ask the Tootsie Pop Owl how many American corpses it takes to get these freedumb-fuddled fuckheads to throw in this stupid, stupid towel? 572,190 wasnt the magic number...well try again tomorrow, I guess.
Like, that idiot lawmaker up in Alaska who just got her batty ass banned from the only airline that flies to her hometown...how are you STILL throwing this tantrum? Its like being in the last act of an Alien movie and demanding the waiter bring you a fresh plate of facehuggers. What, at long last, is fucking wrong with you?
While Cult45 gave nary a fuck about containing the coronavirus as it killed and killed and killed for an entire goddamn year, they are absolutely quaking with umbrage that somebody somewhere might be wearing a mask when they dont strictly need to. JOE BIDEN WORE A MASK ON TV THE OTHER DAY HES THE DEVIL they squeal, before injecting fresh bleach into their idolatrous Trump shrines.
Tucker Carlson went a step further, of course, cuz thats what Tucker Carlson does. Fish Stix Hitler actually encouraged his viewers to initiate conflict with mask-wearing strangers, part of his slow, steady campaign to normalize street violence, and radicalize his viewers into white supremacist terrorists. Which we just...allow, as a culture, it seems. Say, maybe thats not the best idea.
Comrades, I never in my wildest, communistest fantasies dreamed that Operation: Jade Helm III: The Bidening would go so well! We are months ahead of schedule, already we have begun replacing Americas meat-based beers with feminized vegan alternatives! Deprived of the masculinity-enhancing essences derived from fleshy brews, American manhood shall surely wither and die!
Anyway, BREAKING NEWS: Larry Kudlow said something profoundly idiotic again, although on a topic other than economics, which is kinda refreshing. The Kudmeister was just doing his humble part to flood the zone with shit, ysee, spreading the latest preposterous right-wing lie, something about the Biden Administrations nefarious plot to Outlaw Meat Except For Maybe a Ham Cube or Two on Your Birthday If Youre Woke Enough.
Also Vice President Harris appropriated fourteen billion taxpayer dollars (and she specifically asked to only use white folks money) to purchase copies of her childrens book in order to distribute them to migrant kids at the border as part of their Deep State Welcome/Indoctrination Kit, along with a switchblade and a map to the homes of nearby evangelicals.
Of course, that didnt happen either. Naturally, Rupert Murdochs New York Post wasnt gonna let any silly cuck stuff like checking to see if theres any truth at all to this ridiculous story interfere with an opportunity to force another shovelful of horseshit down the rubes willing gullets. In a couple months, some pollsters gonna ask people if they believe this crap, and youll look at the numbers and cry.
I see Rick Santorum dropped that teevee-friendly mask of his again, belching up the language of white supremacy with such nonchalance you can totally tell hes not above engaging in a little light Holocaust denial after a Zima or two. Okay. I understand CNN wants to present the far-right point of view to their audience, but Santorum has always been a deranged theocrat, with an awful, hate-based ideology, and surely we can do without his Im Your Cuddly Wingnut Buddy! schtick.
I see Government Cheese Goebbels and Mitch McConnell are still at each others throats, and if ever there was a problem crying out to be solved by an unscrupulous professional wrestling promoter...make sure the steel cage is extra rusty, is my only request.
Hey, speaking of Shitty Old White Men Whove Been Trying to Destroy My Country, I see the Consequences Fairy paid a lil visit to the Giuliani household, the kind requiring a search warrant, tee hee. Rudys defense strategy seems heavy on screaming about Hunter Bidens laptop and hoping the details sort themselves out, so I dont imagine weve enjoyed our last laugh at Trenchmouth McCousinfuckers expense.
Turns out the FBI tapped Amerikkkas Mayor on the shoulder way back in 2019 to warn him Russia was using him to spread disinformation as part of their ongoing Fuck America With a Rake campaign, but Rudes was all, No worries brah, Im betraying my homeland on purpose!
Ron Johnson received a similar warning, whats called a defensive briefing in fact, and upon learning he was being deployed as Vlad Putins useful idiot, pumped his fist and exclaimed, Hear that, Ma? Im USEFUL!
Smilin Joe Biden went to Congress to give a little speech celebrating 100 days of Not Letting a Nazi Game Show Host Fuck Everything Up, but Republicans still grimaced and pouted their way through it, especially the parts about reducing childhood poverty, because most GOP Senators retirement fantasies revolve around opening private orphanages so they can stingily dispense gruel and porridge with an iron hand.
Tim Scott, bless his heart, got stuck with the rebuttal gig, for reasons which, Im certain, had absolutely nothing to do with shouting WEVE GOT A BLACK GUY HOW RACIST CAN WE BE at nation that watched the GOP incite a white nationalist lynch mob to murder Congress and overturn the election. Bet that works.
Like, I know feeble gaslighting is the only arrow left in the conservative quiver, but if this sauce gets any weaker youre gonna be able to order a bottomless bowl of it at Olive Garden. How dare you imply theres systemic racism in America also Im introducing legislation to eliminate all polling places in minority precincts except one, which must by law be located inside a live volcano. Who do you imagine youre fooling with this garbage? (Eric and Don Jr. dont count.)
Meanwhile, McConnell shot off this pitiful, whinging memo to Education Secretary Miguel Cardona, demanding the abandonment of tools like the 1619 Project in favor of feeding the nations youth a steady diet of Murican propaganda, because honestly, hows a disinformation-spewing death cult supposed to indoctrinate a population if you keep on showing them the TRUTH all the dang time? Hey Yertle, if I can borrow a page from Jeff Foxworthy, you might be a fascist if the idea of teaching American history in American history classes sends you into a turbulent turtle tizzy.
Somehow, the slow-motion implosion of Matt Gaetz keeps getting grosser. Weve swiftly plummeted to Check Out David Cronenberg There in the Corner He Looks Like He Ate Bad Squid levels of revoltingness; its frankly interfering with my ability to enjoy the windshield splattering of perhaps the one fly that grew most engorged at the Shitpile of Trumpism. Just throw him down a well and spare us further details, kay?
Incidentally, turns out Roger Stone is the amiable sort of fellow wholl gladly ask his corrupt President pal to further defile the office and its powers by pardoning a child sex trafficker, for the low, low price of 250 grand. Stone, Gaetz, Kudlow...those scatbuckets had Donnie Dotards ear while he was ignoring the doctors and scientists, how odd that things didnt work out.
Hey, speaking of prominent conservative pedophiles, Josh Duggar, that close personal friend of the Christian Huckabee clan, has been arrested and indicted for possession of child pornography. Sure is weird that right-wingersll shoot up a pizza joint based on something they thought they saw spelled out in a chemtrail, but cant be bothered to muster a mumbled hey quit it for Duggar or Gaetz or Roy Moore or Donald Trump or Denny Hastert or Caleb Bailey or Marty Glickman or Ralph Shortey or Tim Nolan or any of the rest of the LITERAL ARMY OF REPUBLICAN CHILD MOLESTERS, huh?
Hey Minority Leader McCarthy! Look, I know leadership isnt exactly your thing, but do you maybe wanna, I dunno, work up a quick lil statement? Something like, Even in our post-decency party/cult/wad of subpar white boy rage, a child rapist is not welcome or do you worry thatd open the door to requiring accountability from the rest of your caucus of traitors and terrorists?
Newly-released documents reveal the depths of madness and paranoia gripping the lunatic Cyber Ninjas whove somehow been allowed to conduct an unnecessary, redundant audit of the 2020 election in Arizonas Maricopa County. Hey, maybe folks suffering from delusions that theyre being targeted for Fast-and-Furious-worthy paramilitary strikes carried out by imaginary antifa legions shouldnt be given access to these ballots, yknow?
Through all this weird, weird fuckery, Joe just keeps on chuggin along, methodically undoing his vile predecessors despicable works. The Big Dumb Wall finally took its rightful place in historys blazing dumpster, and the $14 billion Weehands McNodick unconstitutionally stole from the Pentagon has been returned to the...well, to the sprawling, out-of-control, military-industrial complex...okay, theres still some work to do.
...but it can wait till Monday, Ive got an intriguing new IPA that requires my immediate attention. When next we meet, I shall have received my SECOND SHOT and I shall be a very happy Cap indeed. Until that merry day...stay safe out there, Resisters.
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