I think my mom is in denial 8-(

[Garion_55]

I am staying with her now, been so for about 5 years as I needed a place at the time and since have gone back to school to get a degree. degree is got. I can now decide what to do with it, where and how to live.


But there is mom. she is 80. and getting less able to physically live on her own. vision problems. overweight. arthritis. I wouldnt be surprised if she loses her license to drive. If i do take off, she is on her own.

She decided she wants to move to a retirement community. went and picked out a place. the kind of move id have no problem with if she were 60-65.

Its 4 floors up. she cant do stairs. already the elevator has gone out once since she picked the place. in an emergency i cant see her running down 4 flights of stairs.

the room they put her in is about a 1/4 mile from the damn elevator. the farthest unit away from it. she gets winded walking 50 feet from her porch to her car right now sometimes.

she could have picked a place west where the cities are quieter more rural, spread out more less traffic. instead she picked a place east in the busiest part of the metro area with massive construction going on, 3 different major traffic outlets intersecting around the property, traffic is only going to get worse.

she is in a weight loss program now and thats basically her only social outlet, her ladies. she will have to quit that and shes already talking about not joining another in the new place cuz its going to be a big pain in the butt traveling to and from any meetings.

she hasnt even thought about what happens if her sight gets worse or she cant drive. how is she going to get to her doctor appointments, get her groceries. that would admit that shes old and cant be on her own anymore.


i think shes just afraid of admitting to herself that, her age and she is acting like she is still 60 and can still do the things she did then.

Sometimes i fear that shes going to not wake up one morning. she is at that age and she already outlived her parents by 20 years.

right now at least I will be here if it happens. I can be at peace with that. not sure how im gonna feel if it happens while she is stuck in that place all alone by herself. 8-(

[boston bean]

2. For the money spent you could get someone during the day to stay with her

While you work

Probably be much cheaper.

Plus you don’t lose your family wealth invested in the property.

[Phoenix61]

3. It sounds like the place she has picked isn't the best fit.

She may benefit more from an assisted living facility. A lot of them have higher levels of care available at the same place so it’s there if/when needed. If there’s a Council on Aging in your area they may have a list of near by facilities.

[Rhiannon12866]

4. My grandmother found a lovely place in North Carolina

She retired there from here in New York. They also had levels of care, a great cafeteria and numerous activities. I visited often and wouldn't have minded living there myself.

[Phoenix61]

7. My grandmother finally agreed to leave her house

and move to a facility. She hadn’t driven for years and was out in the country. Her comment was she wished she’d moved there earlier. They had trips all the time for residents but they were too much for her by the time she got there. The dining room was beautiful, like a fancy restaurant and looked out on the Suwannee River.

[Rhiannon12866]

9. My grandmother looked for places nearby here in New York

But nothing was comparable to this place. I visited a couple of them with her and one was shocked that she intended to bring her car! But she had an older friend and former neighbor who was living at this place in NC, so after spending a couple of winters there, she decided to make it permanent.

They basically had everything she could have asked for, she had an apartment, there was a dining hall with very good food, medical care if she needed it and residents were also allowed to bring pets. And she also made friends, she participated in all the activities - she said she did that so none of them would be discontinued due to lack of interest...

[TexasBushwhacker]

8. My aunt and uncle moved into one when they were in their late 70s

They loved it so much they wondered why they hadn't done it sooner. He died a few years ago and she just turned 92. It's not cheap, but considering it covers all her meals and a maid visit once a week, it's affordable on her teacher's pension. She even gets meal credits whenever she doesn't use the cafeteria, so we can visit her for lunch and it's covered.

[Rhiannon12866]

10. My grandmother was 84, I think, and she still drove

And she found it because she had a friend and former neighbor who already lived there. There were apartments, a dining hall, numerous activities and various levels of care when the time came - or if they were needed temporarily. The part I liked best was that people were allowed to bring their pets - my grandmother didn't have one at the time, so she was allowed to "rent" a bird which she loved - someone came every day to clean the cage and she could just enjoy it. She named the bird Amelia.

[left-of-center2012]

5. Have you thought about getting a 'conservatorship' ?

Or whatever it's called, so you can make decisions for her?

P.S. How is her room a 1/4 mile from the elevator?

[Garion_55]

12. exaggeration. but im sure in her condition it feels like it

[Mike Nelson]

6. Been thru this...

... there are no easy answers. There is no book of directions. Check with her health care for advice...

[ecstatic]

11. Is it easy to get out of that lease and into a new one?

Are there other options for retirement communities?

On one hand, I want to view it optimistically and think that it's good that she's met friends and is getting some exercise walking to the elevator, walking down stairs, etc. But if it's too much physical exertion and she begins to fear falling, then it could lead to isolation from her staying in the unit more often.

Perhaps she can be placed in a unit that's closer to the elevator or on the first floor? Can you ask to be put on a waiting list? Best wishes.

[Garion_55]

13. thats what i was surprised about

she has always said i am only living in a place on the first floor period.

and the people didnt offer her anything closer to the elevator? they can see shes hobbling around and they find the farthest one they could? that doesnt seem right.

[BoringUsername]

14. Similar issues with my dad

He's 71. He's had heart disease related problems for 25 years now, so you'd think he'd be able to accept his declining health, but I think because the decline was so slow he doesn't seem to recognize it. My dad can be very pig headed. My brother and I have been trying to get him to move out of his place for years now because it is too much for him to manage and his health situation just keeps getting worse, but seems like he won't listen until it is too late. His mobility, stamina hearing, and eye sight are all bad. He also has arthritis and difficulty with stairs. He doesn't want to drive at night anymore because of his eyesight getting worse. He lives all by himself. He has it stuck in his had that he has to leave something to his kids, which is why he keeps the house. My brother and I would rather have him sell that place and use that money to get a first floor apartment closer to one of us and his grand kids. Then he would be getting more socialization, he wouldn't have a whole property to care for, and we could help him out when needed. He lives is too far away for us to help him. It's a frustrating situation and I mostly try not to think about it because it is outside of my control.

[Saoirse9]

15. I really feel your pain, I've been there

My Mom was the same toward the end of her life. Control what you can -- yourself. You can't force her to do anything.

My Mom was a registered nurse and early on she gave every indication that her decisions at the end of her life would be practical, rational. But when the time actually came it wasn't like that at all. She dealt from an emotional irrational perspective. We had to let it go until circumstances forced us to take action.

Control what you can (you), and don't try to hard to control her. It's madness to torture yourself over the actions and behavior of another person, even your Mom.

If you ever want to talk you can message me.