Ted Cruz's Musings on Masculinity In the Military? Oh, My Wish Came True. (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I am absolutely lovin’ vaccinated life, folks. I keep going back to the normalcy buffet for extra helpings...you’d think I’d be full to bursting by now, but it turns out I’m just insatiable for the stuff. So much nicer than 2020’s incessant shitstorm. What’s that? Mold-crazed, psychotically horny, buttless cicadas, you say? Well. Just this once, let’s retreat to the relative sanity of domestic politics...
(Shiny colors and news links found here: http://showercapblog.com/ted-cruzs-musings-on-masculinity-in-the-military-oh-my-wish-came-true/)
Seems that when Marjorie Taylor Greene isn’t busy inciting terrorism or pelting co-workers with her own feces, she enjoys engaging in a bit of recreational property tax fraud, how populist! See, Cult45’s highest-ranking clergy are always, ALWAYS cheap (and utterly transparent) grifters, and frankly, I’d love to go back to chuckling condescendingly at the ease at which these rubes are parted from their money without worrying about their ever-increasing potential for genocidal violence.
But it would appear that option is unavailable at this time.
You know something’s up whenever Axios publishes anything that takes longer than fourteen seconds to read, and the latest installment of their Off the Rails (ew, branding) series was an indeed stirring tale of a floundering tyrant in decline, testing the fences to see just how much last-minute shitbaggery the Pentagon would let him get away with. You read it, and you side with the brass, of course, and then you realize you’re cheering for a vast, immovable, utterly unaccountable military bureaucracy with the power to defy Presidents and that’s perhaps slightly less than bangarang, but holy crud, the shit these goons tried to pull during the but-mom-I-don’t-want-a-transition period was FUCKED UP, my friends, and on balance, it’s probably best they were stopped. I think.
Y’all know I’ve been an enthusiastic Biden booster from jump street, but I’ve decided to go full MAGA now that I know about Uncle Joe’s dastardly commu-socialist plot to deny Chick-fil-A the special sauce that makes their garbage food taste extra bigotty. I’m only grateful that a true patriot like Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt took time out of his busy day doing fuckall for his constituents to bring this matter to my attention. MAKE SAUCE AMERICA AGAIN, goddammit.
As Merrick Garland blast-cleans the Department of Justice, we’re learning more and more about the rot that crept in, unchecked, under Barr and Sessions and that toilet fellow, who probably had a name, and perhaps even still does, but honestly, who gives a fuck?
For starters, they not-at-all-autocratically obtained a CNN reporter’s phone records, (hardly the only example of this particular breed of fuckery, by the way) as part of the attempted crackdown on the deluge of leaks that made Government Cheese Goebbels look like a blithering fool but he sure fixed that problem anyway remember when he stood in front of God and whole dang world and said EUREKA DRINK BLEACH?
And then it turned out ol’ Bilious Bill Barr got himself a grand jury subpoena to unmask an anonymous Twitter account dedicated to mocking Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes, arguably the most mockable lump of corruption, asininity, and obsequiousness in all creation.
I read that shit, and a wave of sickening nostalgia washed over me; I confess it’d slipped my mind, the way these massive abuses of power were so often perpetrated in service to the pettiest whims of the dumpster flies who swarmed around that fetid turdpile that was allowed to accumulate behind the Resolute desk.
Maybe it’s just because of lingering cartoon stereotypes about German efficiency, but I always assumed Nazis would be, like, unusually competent, y’know? Having lived through the last five years, I understand now, of course they’re gonna be the mouth-breathingest fuckups on the planet, that’s why they need all the lying and violence in the first place. Learning that lesson sure has been fun, huh?
America’s theocratic jackals slobbered extra-menacingly this week as their stalking circle around Roe v. Wade drew tighter than ever, now that the Supreme Court has taken a case that will allow the new, Amy Coney Barrett-infused fanatic majority to strut its newfound freedom from John Roberts’ periodic bouts of common sense. Anyway, if there are any 2016 third party voters out there, please know I’d still truly love to lock you in a Lollapalooza outhouse and roll you down the largest hill I can find.
Rudy Giuliani’s idiot manchild kid is running for Governor of New York, strongly suggesting that addiction to public humiliation is hereditary. It took Son of Cousin-Fucker almost a whole day to self-define as a blowhard who never quite got over the educational hurdle men call “counting,” so maybe don’t hold your breath on that state-level pardon, Dotard. Oh, and bad news, kid, the secret to electoral success was probably on one of the eighteen devices th’feds seized from your dirtbag dad in that raid the other day.
Did somebody say pardon? Because yeah, the New York Attorney General’s investigation into the Trump Organization has gone CRIMINAL, BAY-BEEEEEEE! Details are slight at present, but perhaps all the loose change I’ve been tossing into shopping mall fountains, accompanied by fiercely whispered wishes that I live to see Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot die, destitute and alone, in a federal prison cell, is finally paying off.
Anyway, if I can revisit the theme of “dangerously unqualified idiot thugs running for high office in search of terrifying amounts of personal power,” Mike “the Pink Polo Commando” McCloskey apparently hopes to ride the internet celebrity born of waving a semi-automatic rifle at strangers for having the audacity to Exist Near His House While Possessing Insufficiently White Skin all the way to the United States Senate. The entire rationale behind the campaign amounts to DON’TCHA THINK YOU SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO MURDER BLACK PEOPLE IF THEY GET TOO CLOSE TO YOUR LAWN and the skeevy motherfucker STILL might be a better pick than Greitens.
You guys, I don’t mean to cast aspersions, but I’m starting to think maybe 622 or 623 of the GOP’s 3,597 Benghazi hearings may’ve been cynical political exercises rather than good faith attempts to identify and correct flaws in global embassy security. I mention this because “Should we investigate a terrorist attack on our nation’s Capitol or nah?” is the hottest debate going in American politics, and I say “debate” because this shit is somehow controversial, on account of the way one of our major political parties has an active terrorist wing now. Turns out living in history kinda sucks.
Now, on a certain level, I understand it’s unreasonable to expect courage, decency, or a thimbleful of love of country from these cowering collaborators; I simply beg for deliverance from the fucking theatre. Literally everyone understands what’s going on here: you won’t allow a congressional commission to investigate the events of January 6th because doing so would shine a great big ugly spotlight on what your party has become, namely a murderous mob in the thrall of an uncommonly unintelligent game show host. The melodramatic quiver in your voice as you stammer through this latest bullshit excuse for your cravenness embarrasses everyone.
South Dakota Senator John Thune at least admitted his opposition to (checks notes) fighting terrorism is rooted in partisan politics; so points for honesty, if not integrity. Casual disloyalty to the USA aside, one cannot help but chuckle darkly at the Senator’s insistence that the Grand Old Death Cult wants to focus on the issues ahead of the coming midterm elections; Thuney me lad, you are a proud member of the party whose entire policy platform during the last presidential election read “whatever Daddy says he wants,” so why don’t we agree to leave you and your invertebrate colleagues to your boot-licking while the grown-ups keep cleaning up your messes, k?
You knew Kevin McCarthy wouldn’t be able to resist such a perfect opportunity to slather himself in disgrace and dishonor; his decision to not only oppose the creation of a January 6th commission, but to whip his caucus to vote against it resulted in the trademark hodgepodge of dereliction of duty and mortifying defeat that will surely come to define this new McCarthyism, assuming any of us live long enough to record the history of these batguano-drenched times.
(Quick side note: I feel like if you have to flee in terror from questions like “Say, bro, was anybody on your team in contact with that terrorist mob while they were doin’ all that terrorism?” you might not be Speaker material, but I understand standards are different* on your side of the aisle.)
Jokes aside, what’s going on in my country these days is the elected officials of the Republican Party are taking the side of, and all but working in tandem with domestic terrorists because they’re afraid of losing the terrorists’ votes. And I get that being a Senator is fun, and all that power must be intoxicating, but kids, y’all need to sit down with a playlist of songs about looking in the mirror and work your shit out, because the path you are walking ends in bloodshed, and quite a lot of it. Please, please stop, before you set the whole damn world on fire.
No doubt seduced by the raw matinee idol sex appeal of Jim Risch, voters in several rural Oregon counties are trying to secede and join the Holy Idahoan Empire, where Wee Donnie One-Term still reigns as Turd Emperor, and education is a filthy word. Honestly, everyone might be better off if we just let these antisocial assclowns establish their precious Dumbfuckistan someplace, build a great big wall around it, and airdrop a few crates of Trump steaks and MyPillows every six weeks.
The Arizona election “audit” continues, under the watchful eye of the One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest Understudy Squad. Even better news, this drooling shitweasel clusterfuck has started to inspire wannabe copycat audits, thanks to the unceasing barrage of disinformation pumped into every American home via impotent, overmatched social media platforms and greedy, amoral cable bundlers. Television and the internet had such awesome potential to elevate humanity but, dim-witted apes that we are, we’ve decided we’d rather use ‘em to commit suicide-by-swarms-of-brainwashed-idiots.
Ted Cruz despises America so much, he just couldn’t stop himself from spreading Russian propaganda disparaging the United States Armed Forces as “emasculated,” bold words for a dude who spilts his time between Cancún and an Airbnb up the ass of the dude who called his wife ugly.
Ted has been pulling this shit more or less constantly of late, in a feeble attempt to appear “Trumpy,” which of course won’t work, but I guess they don’t teach self-awareness at Harvard Law, so he’s just going to keep on debasing himself and debasing himself and I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m complaining.
Infrastructure negotiations between the Biden Administration and the Senate GOP hit a snag over the White House’s insistence that the bill actually help the American people, while Republicans hold firm to their longstanding position that the filthy takers should shut their worthless serf mouths unless they’re expressing gratitude that they haven’t yet been shoveled into the furnace aboard some DeVos family yacht like they deserve.
It’s probably not good news when you find out your ex-girlfriend is cooperating with the federal investigation into sex trafficking allegations against you, but I suppose we should ask Matt Gaetz to find out for sure. Yes, Mattward, there’re just loads of similarities between your situation and the allocation of earmarks, but I imagine the jury will find a few key differences.
Fuckin’ YIKES, y’all. I think we’ve earned our weekend. Everybody out there’s already vaccinated, right? I don’t need to be all responsible and shit and use my juvenile platform here to advocate for vaccination, right? We can all just get to our drinking now, right?
*nonexistent
= new reply since forum marked as read
refreshing...have not read it all...
but bookmarked. It should provide reading material in the upcoming week. I just love the English language used so wisely. I mean it. Especially in reference to the orange turd and kkkrew.
Loveya to bits!
That is the most devilishly perfect description of those fuckwits I could possibly imagine! 
