BREAKING NEWS: With blog now scuttled, Trump's staff orders 24-7 boat parades to liven his spirits.
News that former President Donald Trump's blog--entitled "From the Desk of Donald J. Trump" has been shuttered due to a lack of public interest and engagement has left his handlers racing to distract the former President from his most recent failure.
And the leading solution to bring Trump out of his post-blog doldrums?
A procession of perpetually ongoing boat parades, to be carried out 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, in front of whichever residence Trump is currently calling home at the given moment.
Sources close to Trump say that the multi-vessel cavalcade--replete with boats flying at least a dozen Trump flags a piece and bikini clad women wearing Make American Great Again hats dancing on their bow--will parade itself in an endless loop in front of Trump's residence, whether or not the former President was actually watching.
"Basically, it's the intent that he might be watching at any given moment more so than his physical presence actually be required for the parades to take place," one individual stated. "We'll just assume he's always there as the boats pass on by."
While Mar-a-Lago--Trump's large Florida estate located along the Intercoastal Waterway in Palm Beach--naturally lends itself to such events, other Trump residences that are not located in close proximity to any major bodies of water--such as his Bedminster Golf Club in New Jersey--pose some greater logistical challenges.
Trump's staff was quick to come up with an alternative option.
"We will still have a boat parade when Donald's in Bedminster, except that the boats in that case will be pulled by trucks," a staffer said. "Naturally, the trucks themselves will also be flying Trump flags and have women in bikinis, so really it would be a boat parade and a truck parade all in one. The best of both worlds, really."
"For Mar-a-Lago, we actually considered the converse, where the boats would be pulling trucks," the staffer added. "However, we were forced to abandon that idea when we realized that the trucks would ultimately sink to the bottom of the water."
That was not the only idea that Trump's staffers ultimately decided against.
"We briefly thought about having goats with Trump flags mounted to them constantly roaming the Bedminister grounds," the Trump staffer said. "So, yes, that's right. Goat Parades. However, the goats we ordered for this project turned out to be...well, let's just say, not so cooperative."
"Basically, it was a massive, unruly goat orgy," he noted. "It detracted from the true MAGA spirit that we thought would best delight Donald's whims and fancies. And isn't that what should really matter?"
DETAILS AT ELEVEN
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although I can picture the guy that lost looking out the window of his hotel in DC while trying to get the right blue crayon for his coloring book.
If this is an actual real thought, there are some sick mofos out there.
“ Basically, it was a massive, unruly goat orgy,"
..but thank you. 
Did you write this yourself? This is too good!