WAKE UP SAILORS, SCURVY IS A HOAX

[kpete]

by KATHRYN BAECHT

I’m just a lowly seventeenth-century British sailor, not some fancy-pants seventeenth-century British sawbones, but there’s one thing I know for sure: I would rather walk the plank than suck on a single stinking lime. In fact, I will be giving a wide berth to any and all citrus fruits the captain brings aboard during this long and arduous voyage, because scurvy is a hoax, and I don’t trust foreign fruit.

You know what I do trust? My own body to protect me. I’m young and fit, and my childhood rickets has almost entirely cleared up. And as far as I can tell, nothing bad has ever happened to a young and fit sailor with just a touch of rickets who heads recklessly off to fight pirates and ghost ships for months on end with nothing for nourishment except barrels of stale, rat-infested biscuits.

So, no, I’m not “afraid” of scurvy. What’s the worst that could happen? My teeth will fall out? My bowels will bleed? I’ll die at sea, and my body will be cast into the murky depths by my equally moribund shipmates, who won’t even have the energy to say a blessing as octopuses and sea monsters feast upon my corpse? That doesn’t sound any worse than a little seasickness, and it definitely sounds better than occasionally sucking on a lime.

....................

And while I may be fine, what I am not fine with is the Capitan’s new mandate that we must all take this so-called citrus cure. He claims that it’s necessary in order to hang onto our already extremely low chance of surviving this harrowing journey through uncharted waters. He says we must do it for our fellow seaman who truly are our brothers. He says we must do it for the common good. He says it is our noble duty. And to that, I say: Screw. Everybody. I’m in it for me and me only.

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The rest:
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wake-up-sailors-scurvy-is-a-hoax

Link to tweet

?s=20

[malaise]

1. Clever and appropriate

Get thee to the greatest page and send it to your anti-vax family and friends

[bluecollar2]

2. I heard that chewing a tablespoon of pitch and inserting

A plug of pitch up your rectum on a daily basis will prevent scurvy mate.

[dameatball]

4. Ha! I deleted my post because it involved squirting grog. No need to duplicate remedies.

[bluecollar2]

5. The pitch protocol is designed to prevent Covid19 infection.

The grog squirting protocol is supposedly the approved cure for Covid19

[packman]

6. My matey said gunpowder up one's arse

and fused off with cannon line will get rid of the scurvies. Eh, his name be FatMan Donald .

[Prof. Toru Tanaka]

8. Aye, I 'ave heard of him.

He is a spinner of many tall tales. And he can never be found when there is work to be done.

[keithbvadu2]

10. FatMan Donald requests your donations to fight the lime conspiracy back at the Admiralty.

FatMan Donald requests your donations to fight the lime conspiracy back at the Admiralty.

Although he will never spend it on that cause.

You can feel satisfied that he will keep it for himself.

[Prof. Toru Tanaka]

7. Word has it that the captain

is ready to break out the cat o' nine tails and use it on those who will not conform to his directive regarding eating citrus fruit.

[hatrack]

9. Fucking Mermen . . . . Wake Up!!!!

[Blue Owl]

14. Mermen Cain Mutiny!!!

[IronLionZion]

11. Limey! It's hyped up by big citrus to sell fruit

Avoid vitamin C to own the libs

[Phil the Kilibuster]

12. I C

Vitamin C, specifically

[tinrobot]

13. It's all a plot by Big Citrus

Sunkist paid off the Navy.