"Jesus will save me!"

[jmowreader]

A TFG supporter walked into a store. He was offered a mask to keep him from getting COVID. “Jesus will save me. I don’t need your mask.”

He was offered a vaccine to keep him from getting COVID. “Jesus will save me. I don’t need a vaccine.”

He caught COVID and died. Shortly thereafter, he stood before Jesus.

“Jesus, you were supposed to save me!”

“I sent a billion masks and three different vaccines. What else was I supposed to do?”

[dchill]

1. That joke KILLS!

[underpants]

2. 😁😆😁😆😁

[Judi Lynn]

3. Hooray! Jesus is an Amurcan!

[wnylib]

9. With blue eyes, of course.

[greenman3610]

4. Jesus himself was pretty clear on this- in Mathew

Jesus responded, “The Scriptures also say, ‘You must not test the Lord your God.’

[UTUSN]

6. Or whoever said, god helps those who help themselves.

[UTUSN]

5. Excellent. I first heard comedian Pete BARBUTTI's version on the CARSON show (in the '90s?).

BARBUTTI is also a studio band musician, one of those brainy types mixing music with comedy.

Went like this:

*** Somewhere in the Arizona or wherever desert, a rare rain event was coming. The word went out for everybody to evacuate, and most people did. But this one grouchy old man with a Bible said, "I believe in God and God will save me" and refused to go.

So the rain started and the National Guard went by in Jeeps asking the stragglers to get in and leave. And the old man with the Bible said (the same thing).

And the rain kept up and the flooding reached the edge of the porches, and the National Guard went by in boats and asked whoever was left to get in and leave. And the old man with the Bible said (the same thing).

So the water kept rising and the old man with the Bible was on his roof and the National Guard flew by in helicopters and bull horns and rope ladders and begged him to climb up and leave. And he said (the same thing).

So the water kept rising and the old man with the Bible drowned.

He woke up in Heaven, sitting on a cloud with his Bible and was thoroughly pissed. And God passed by and the old man with the Bible said, "Hey, YOU!1
And God said, "Are you talking to me?" And the old man with the Bible said, "I *believed* in you and look what happened to me!1"

And God said, "I sent you a Jeep. I sent you a boat. I sent you a helicopter...!"

[keithbvadu2]

7. Vaxxed with the 'Blood of Jesus' has killed many people. Must be a weak God.

Vaxxed with the 'Blood of Jesus' has killed many people.

Must be a weak God.

[monkeyman1]

8. right now TEXAS better build a ARK !

[MomInTheCrowd]

10. ...Been using this parable for months...

I sent you:
Social distancing
Masks
Vaccine


... .. …

[Grokenstein]

11. I like this version:

A TFG supporter walked into a store. He was offered a mask to keep him from getting COVID. “Jesus will save me. I don’t need your mask.”

The manager told the idiot to get the hell out of his store and never come back until he learned to behave like an adult.

[Blue Owl]

12. Softly and tenderly, Herman is calling...

[whistler162]

13. I still prefer

http://epistle.us/inspiration/godwillsaveme.html

"God Will Save Me

A terrible storm came into a town and local officials sent out an emergency warning that the riverbanks would soon overflow and flood the nearby homes. They ordered everyone in the town to evacuate immediately.

A faithful Christian man heard the warning and decided to stay, saying to himself, “I will trust God and if I am in danger, then God will send a divine miracle to save me.”

The neighbors came by his house and said to him, “We’re leaving and there is room for you in our car, please come with us!” But the man declined. “I have faith that God will save me.”

As the man stood on his porch watching the water rise up the steps, a man in a canoe paddled by and called to him, “Hurry and come into my canoe, the waters are rising quickly!” But the man again said, “No thanks, God will save me.”:

[Aristus]

14. Best rendition ever:

&t=4s