So my bigoted father in Alabama is voting for Obama.

[Fawke Em]

I was a Daddy's girl, through and through. My parents separated when I was 6 years old, but didn't divorce, legally, until I was 22 (kid you not). They got along well enough and I, as an only child, was as spoiled as a middle class girl could be.

I worked on cars with my Daddy. I went to rock concerts with my Daddy. I LOVED my Daddy.

And, then... I got married.

My first husband, and the father of my son, is Arabic and lapsed Muslim (he didn't go to Mosque, but he still didn't eat pork, kind of thing) and when I married him, my Daddy thought of him as only a sperm donor. He HATED us. Disowned me. Wouldn't meet his grandson, etc.

I divorced my first husband for being an asshole (he cheated on me and beat me up when I found out and kicked him out of the house for it), not for his religion. As a matter of fact, my ex's family sided with ME on the divorce. And I filed for cause (I'm Catholic - Daddy is not, he's Baptist. Mom is Catholic) because I didn't want to get a divorce on paper and legal for just nothing. I got custody. I got the house, etc. (I could prove the adultery, but we won't go into that for now.)

I was a single Mom for years. I've remarried (heh... to a Jewish man - again, of culture, not practice) and yet my father is still a jerk. At a lunch after his sister's funeral, he doted on my son, but has refused contact since.

All this said... he's a bigot.

YET... I talked to my step-mother the other day and my Dad, a Reagan Democrat, is voting for Obama. I was stunned. I asked why? My God, shouldn't he think Obama was some Ay-Rab Moooslim Soshulist or something?

No, she said. He's a black guy and Dad doesn't have any problems with black folk. Besides, that Romney asshole only wants to make a buck selling our jobs to China, according to my Dad.

Will wonders ever cease?

And... hopefully, since my Daddy is dying of cancer, he'll eventually stop hating me.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. Your dad has missed out on quite a lot of cool things.....his grandson, mostly.

Yours is quite a story! I'm glad you've found happiness at last.

I really hope your Dad will stop hating you....cancer or not. Both your lives will be hugely enriched if he does.

[Dan]

2. wonderful story

and, maybe you might want to consider reaching out to your Dad...

[Fawke Em]

6. I have, especially since he was diagnosed with cancer.

He still won't take my calls.

I have to talk to my step-Mom in private.

[Booster]

10. I have to agree with you, Dan. Even though he hasn't been the perfect father, for your own peace

of mind, reach out to your Dad. If he shuns you, at least you tried. My mother was like your dad. Can't tell you how many times she said she didn't like me and she proved it too, many times. But she's gone now and every once in a while I miss her. So do it for yourself. You're a good person and he isn't. Simple really.

[Historic NY]

3. The world is a small place it takes decades for people to learn that.

[Cha]

4. Your history is rivetingly well written, Fawke Em!

Thank you! Interesting what real facts your dad is actually getting on mitt in Alabama!

I hope he starts to appreciate you real soon!

[freshwest]

7. Yes, excellent story. And encouraging. Sad about the bad stuff, though...

[Fawke Em]

9. My Daddy was an engineer and helped design

a lot of the products that many of us used in the 1980s. He was a CAD/CAM operator. An all around smart dude (if you're old enough and remember Flip-Fones... um.. that was my Daddy).

He's not a dumbass. He's not rich. He watched his ideas and creations get sucked up in corporate profits and go overseas. His jobs prospects dried up and he spent his last days before retirement, with his pedigree, working the contractor assistance counter at Lowe's. No wonder he's pissed.

BUT, that had nothing to do with my son. His grandson.

[Cha]

16. He sounds really smart.. people

Last edited Sat Oct 20, 2012, 02:24 AM - Edit history (1)

are sometimes so complex. Gifted in some areas of their lives but lacking in other ways.

This is what romney's about and I can understand why your dad sees this now..

"No, she said. He's a black guy and Dad doesn't have any problems with black folk. Besides, that Romney asshole only wants to make a buck selling our jobs to China, according to my Dad."

That has been mtt's MO..good to see him getting busted for it.

Edit for "bolding" right

[Fawke Em]

18. I found the phone... sort of..

Now, see... mine had a white face plate because the engineers whipped mine up for me, myself, and all that jazz, but it was because they had the Coca-Cola contract and had the red dye. This Tab phone makes me laugh.

[Cha]

19. Wow, thanks, F E! Fancy.. I didn't get a

cell until 2010..didn't need one. But, I knew I'd love it when I did, and I do

[still_one]

5. Wow

[marions ghost]

8. thanks for your story

sometimes ya gotta forgive people who don't change easily... one more vote for Obama.

[bluestate10]

11. "And... hopefully, since my Daddy is dying of cancer, he'll eventually stop hating me."

Sometimes is is better to bend to help yourself later. You seem to have a deep emotional attachment to your father because of the good things you saw of him as a child. Take from me, those emotions will have to be reconciled by you. It is better that you get them taken care of while your dad is alive, given that his condition may be terminal. You should look him in the eyes and let him know that even though he wants to stop being your father, you will never stop being his daughter. While those words will expose you emotionally, they will bring you comfort after your dad is dead. One of my eternal items of happiness is that I had a good relationship with my dad as he aged, I was able to gain wisdom from him having lived and observed, but even with that, his death had a large impact me emotionally, one that took several years to resolve.

[Fawke Em]

15. I have NO problem doing this.

I'd go to Alabama TOMORROW if I thought I could.

I live in Knoxville, TN and they live outside of Huntsville, AL. It's about a four-hour trip. No sweat.

However... I haven't been invited, exactly. My step-Mom is the salt of the earth... one of the sweetest people on the planet (oh.. and she's more of Dem than I am... hell, she lives in a rural part of Alabama and promotes Democrats, for God's sake), but I can't ask her to take me in if I'm not welcome by him. It's her house, but it's his, too.

[RepublicansRZombies]

24. You are an incredibly strong person

I have a similar situation, only I cannot take being treated as lesser than for no reason. I cannot allow my children to be treated like there is something wrong with them, or something wrong with their Dad and I which would cause them to lose respect for us, just because of the prejudice of other family members, who are more 'normal' in society's eyes, louder and much more controlling. My kids are white, I am not gay, husband and I are married for almost 20 years....I think the real problem is that I am LIBERAL! The apple fell too far from the tree and they don't like it. Now, to be hated by your own family is incredibly painful. To be slapped in the face over and over, and continue to turn the other cheek...I tried for years until it started affecting my health. Now I feel I must protect my husband and my children from terrible injustice. I need to protect my own mental health and physical health. I will not reach out until they stop treating me like I am lesser than, just because they don't agree with my beliefs or my choices in life. So for you to reach out, and be rejected, and keep trying....when he is the asshole who has been treating you so poorly...you are incredibly forgiving and brave to face more of the same. I don't know why everyone is telling you to try harder.

[eridani]

12. Often people who know they are going to die clean up their acts

Hope this is true for your dad.

[BainsBane]

13. I read an article that mentioned a woman who insisted Obama was Muslim

but is still voting for Obama because "at least he didn't grow up filthy rich like Romney."
Odd, but whatever it takes.

[Tigress DEM]

14. Hopefully.

You came to a decision about your ex based on his behavior not the externals your Dad saw. Different paths to the same end result ... kind of like the Obama vote.

Your Dad probably hears about your life even though he's being stubborn. Maybe he thinks that what he felt about this guy was right even if for the wrong reasons. All your life he's been a mixed bag, wrong for you Mom, right for you growing up.

I think you two have a real chance at healing, so you might want to talk some stuff out with a therapist. This sounds like big stuff and since your Dad has done a 180 a professional might help you get it right the first time and since time is limited it's important to make the most of it.

When it comes to what we need to say to people before they die, it's usually more about how no matter what else has gone on, I love you and I'm going to miss you. Everything else is less important than that. Because when he's gone that's the one thing you will have wanted to say to him.

Good luck.

[Fawke Em]

17. I appreciate your thoughts, however...

I don't need to talk to a therapist about it. It is what it is.

I love him and I suspect he still loves me. He's the stubborn one. I reach out several times a year, especially now that family is dying of old age, he doesn't reciprocate. That's his problem, not mine. Do I miss him? Yes, a lot. But he taught me well. I always know what's wrong with things, even if I can't always fix them (trust me, when dealing with auto mechanics or contractors, simply knowing what's wrong is more than half the battle) and I still carry some torches that my son also holds, though he doesn't know why.

What bothers me the most is that my son is EXACTLY like him, down to his jawline and his smarts. My son has NEVER made anything but an A and is in honors classes. He's in middle school and is already being recruited by Vandy and Duke. My Daddy would eat my son up with a spoon if he'd only get rid of his prejudice (that my son is half Arabic, I mean).

[Cha]

20. Wow..heart breaking. Glad your

son is so intelligent!

[Tigress DEM]

23. You are going to do what you're going to do, but are you SURE you "know" what's wrong this time?

I'm not talking about "fixing" your Dad or making him see reason. Time is short.

I'm talking about your honest anger and resentment of being treated unfairly by your Dad from the moment you decided to choose your Son's Dad against your own Dad's wishes. It isn't fair what your Dad did and it isn't right. BUT is that the real problem?

The real problem as I see it is that your Dad won't open up and hear you. Why? I think you are assuming it's all about the prejudice, which lets you put the whole blame on your Dad, but your Step-Mom said something different.

Can ANY part of it be your honest anger and hurt causing you to lash out even as you are reaching out to your Dad? IF ANY of it IS that, then you have more personal control in this situation than you realize.

You have every right to be mad, but if you want to get the conversation going again before Dad dies, go to a pro. A doctor doesn't operate on him/herself and you don't drop your trannie in the back yard unless you know what you're doing, have at least a swing set cherry picker and the right tools to do the job.

IF you can't get Dad to listen to you on your terms, change your terms, for your Son's sake. I think the past loving foundation you two had can bridge a lot of this, but you need a few tools to remove the barriers that have been put in place over the years. Go get the tools. All you have to lose is a little emotional baggage that's not even useful anymore.

I'm pushing you. I know. I'm sorry. But getting something like this right or getting it wrong with a dying parent can completely change your life and my hope is that you get it right and at least have proper closure knowing you made the kind of effort that gave your Dad no alibis to put it on you.

Peace.

[K Gardner]

21. Beautiful, Lara.. we really DO need to get together for that drink.

[Odin2005]

22. Poor guy, I wonder what demons are in his head.

[Canuckistanian]

25. "selling our jobs to China"

Good! I'm glad that message is resonating.

Because it's the goddamned awful TRUTH.

[graywarrior]

26. .

[Mojorabbit]

27. ((Hug)). nt