What toxic people do....

[CousinIT]

[Pacifist Patriot]

1. And this would be why I spent nine miserable months desperate to find a new job.

The problem started a good year to year and a half before that, but when I realized a toxic person (covert narcissist in this case) was the root cause I started planning my exit. Happy to say I got out and am three weeks into a job that is 100% remote, pays way better, and the people so far seem to value my contribution.

I wish there was more awareness about covert narcissism and how it destroys a workplace. I honestly think this guy is going to bring down the entire company. Seriously.

[JonAndKatePlusABird]

5. Yep

Saw it for myself at my previous workplace. Narcissist joined up, and over the next 8 months we had a massive staff exodus, myself included. Really opened my eyes as to how a single narcissist can bring everything crashing down, and destroy a team.

[NJCher]

14. Wall Street Journal

Once published an article called "One Bad Apple does Spoil the Whole Bunch." I used to have my students in Group Dynamics class read it.

[Laura PourMeADrink]

8. I think it is excellent that you figured it out and got out.

I have seen this many times where the victim is never aware of the cause. And stay and see others moving up and don't understand. They lose confidence, and think "why not me"?

It's a vicious circle because the person becomes bitter and ends up reinforcing what the what the original person who sabotaged them said behind the scenes.

[MrModerate]

2. And while you're "staying above," they're picking your pocket, trashing your reputation...

debasing your values and degrading your neighborhood.

Somehow "staying above" seems insufficient.

[OldBaldy1701E]

4. Exactly! (n/t)

[Farmer-Rick]

9. Yeah, I was thinking just that.

If they continue to suffer no consequences for their toxic behavior, they will continue to do it.

Maybe at least a warning to your friends and family about what happened. Get your story out there at least.

I think the toxic person is betting on you going away quietly, to rise above it, to keep quiet, to keep the peace. To follow the conventional response to their abuse.

[NJCher]

13. do this

If you just tell your story as truthfully as you know it, you cannot be sued.

It's easy to publish something on this person. You should do it.

They continue unabated because no one ever does anything.

I understand, though, if you don't do it. I think some of us have more of an appetite for vengeance than others. I know I've got it and I always have a parting shot, if not one, two, or three.

[Pacifist Patriot]

23. I stayed above until I resigned...

I filled out the exit interview form with complete candor and spelled it out for mine and my covert narcissist's common boss, the CEO. I have no idea if he read it in its entirety or crumpled it up thinking "crazy bitch." Hopefully I planted a seed, because once you see a narcissist for what they are, you can't unsee it.

I did warn the other people at that company and found there were a surprising number who had also sorted it for themselves, they just didn't have a name for it.

Often times, the only thing you can do is save yourself and escape.

[MrModerate]

24. I've tended to work for larger companies that have fairly uniform HR practices...

And don't allow toxic behavior. I consider myself lucky.

[OldBaldy1701E]

3. And

If that toxic person is the head of the place and when others call to find out, or 'ask around' about you, they get lies and misinformation? And, thanks to his position, this is the narrative that gets around? And, because of this, you are unable to find a job for years and you can pretty much place this at the feet of the toxic person? What then? I tried trusting other people to be smart and paid the price repeatedly. Unfortunately, 'staying above it' has cost me dearly.

[Siwsan]

6. Having to deal with a pathologically toxic individual is why I retired 3 years earlier than planned

One of the smartest things I've ever done. I'm seriously not sure I'd still be here if I hadn't. It was that bad.

[CousinIT]

19. Seems like every workplace has these, doesn't it?

There's one where I work who thus far hasn't succeeded in running me off. Management refuses to deal with them. Or, is also captured by them. Ugh.

[CousinIT]

20. PEE ESS....

...it's why we have cats, eh?

=^..^=

[Siwsan]

27. There's always a few narcissistic bullies

The one I dealt with was brilliant at exploiting our union contract. They had fired her and she somehow managed to find a way to force them to rehire her, and had some sort of continuing litigation going on so that the company's hands were tied. She got away with murder and was so difficult to deal with that people just gave up, in frustration.

She was so bad that she doubled down on stressing me out when she knew my sister and mom were dying. And after they died, within 3 weeks of each other, she didn't offer a single word of condolence. I left, shortly after, and when they asked me why I was leaving, I specifically named her. The HR director's face blanched.

Sad, too, because for the vast majority of my 29 years with the company it was a great place to work.

[bullwinkle428]

7. Man, can I tell some stories in terms of both personal and workplace

relationships with regards to this point.

[Javaman]

10. that's my qnut sister.

we no longer speak.

I'm better for it.

[lambchopp59]

11. Toxicity epidemic

Is why I'm taking nothing but travel gigs till full retirement time. Hospitals, a little too commonly hotbeds of dog eat dog power struggles, backstabbing blame shifting, favoritism dispensing bullshitospheres among the administrative structures, some so horrible any concept of "care" recieved by the patient is palpably compromised and/or practically absent. Two such facilities I couldn't even conscientiously complete my contracts. Guess what their customer ratings are like?
Oh crap has some of that gone rampant in facilities with "admins" absent since the pandemic- making practically no face to face discourse with care staff, petrified of catching COVID from them. As though the care staff aren't stressed enough.
Many have kept an "adult" level equanimity above the fray, aware that becoming highbrow-bashing-pariah nest can demolish a care facility and spur mass exodus of caring staff. I'll slip this in here-- I'll stay licensed in California where there's a bit more iron fist against discriminatory practices. Governmental attitudes matter.
It falls in line with words of wisdom a now passed on instructor/mentor shared with students: hospitals go through cycles: becoming top heavy till the care crash occurs, and finding oneself working in such environments it's better self preservation to find the exit.
Yet the wise go about their jobs walking on eggshells these days. Heaven forbid a care employee gives a narcissistic asshole the "wrong" glance these days.
Travelers are contractually obligated to stay out of the politics as much as possible.
Guess the moral of the story here--
You might have caught that many of such troublemakers, not always, but quite often...
"entitled" RWNJ'S.
Bless their black little hearts.

[CousinIT]

21. What is it with healthcare/hospitals and their nasty internal politics? I've worked in them and...

...OMG it was THE WORST in terms of toxic people, cliques, and interpersonal/inter-clique politics and backstabbing.

SO glad I got out of that field.

God love 'em for the work they do and are doing now in the face of this type of work environment.

[lambchopp59]

25. Certainly goes against the ideal healing environment

I do have some theory where much of this stems from:
I've worked with many admirable MD's with calm, professional demeanor it takes serious breaches of procedure to tick off. I don't want to go into the constant battles some of them wage to maintain excellence in care against cost-cutting administrations. Heaven knows the healthcare industry isn't immune to overpaid administrative leaches.
But MD's who are more interested in their "Fortune" magazine than the latest innovations aren't any MD I'd want working on me. I've had some fly so far off the handle because they had to cut short their golf game... again I'll stifle my rant.
I've also gritted my teeth to work with the spoiled brat sort: daddy was a doktor (often the admirable sort) who produced silver spoon-fed little Hitlers.
Then there are the chip on the shoulder sort throughout the ranks who emulate that sort.
I've yet to find any facility that earns the notion of being "Ideal Hospital". But, damn... there are some that should simply be torn down because the walls bleed from toxic backstabbery and workload dumping.
I'll settle for facilities that are mandating the vaccine throughout the ranks. That itself may go a long ways to calming the flying bullshitosphere.

[CousinIT]

12. My ex has flying monkeys whom are still employed by him (without their knowledge of course)

How Narcissists Use Flying Monkeys

If you’ve been involved with a narc for some time, you know damned well how they can manipulate other people to suit their own whims and needs.

One common instance where FMs are recruited is after a breakup. The narc will undoubtedly charm a few new people to bolster his or her ego, and these newbies will be told all about how horrible, crazy, and possibly even abusive their ex was.

These new people are likely to be compassionate, empathic sorts, and will immediately want to comfort and protect the narc as best they can.

https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/6891/avoid-flying-monkeys/

When the ex could no longer control/abuse me there are those whose perceptions of me - are controlled by the ex. This is one method they use to continue to control those they abused: flying monkeys. I have literally overheard what has been said to them about me. And I can certainly tell by the way people speak to me, who don't even know me. Others OTOH know me and are friendly and fun - either they have not been captured by the ex or chose to form their own opinions. The ex does have a reputation for going through a lot of partners though. Divorced, dated multiple people, of which I was one, and really, goes through relationships like most people go through seasonal wardrobes. Pfft. So..there's that.

Unfortunately we still live in the same 'hood. Blocks away - and mostly the ex or his friends don't bother me. However, I avoid some gatherings where I know his monkeys are likely to be. And I do not post to the neighborhood mailing list. If I participate in discussion, I get attacked. So I stick to posting about items I have for sale or giveaway. It's not a big deal, I use NextDoor which is a much better tool than the chintzy list which was put in place by - guess who - the ex - years ago.

So, the reason this quote grabbed my attention is because I have lived/am living this. About 98% of the time it's not an issue - if it was, I'd leave. Before I moved here, I did some soul-searching about whether I could stay here after I got out from under the ex (yea because I was planning it). I determined it would be fine and it mostly is.

But I wanted to give a heads-up to others. Your toxic person could be a relative, friend, co-worker too, not just an ex partner. Regardless, they all use the same control and abuse methods.

[uponit7771]

16. K&R, staying above it does not mean staying silent either

[NJCher]

18. I had a friend who was harrassed in the workplace

by a female boss. My friend, who had a very fair complexion and was prone to wrinkles, had a face treatment to smooth the skin. It was successful and she looked great. However, in a meeting her boss said "you're still a wrinkled old prune."

Wow.

My friend, a nationally prominent magazine editor in healthcare, took the case to the EEOC and she was awarded $93,000 in a court case.

This was a decade ago, however. I don't know what kinds of thing they're doing now.

[CousinIT]

22. WOW. What a nasty uncalled-for comment. Glad your friend won her case.

Well-deserved IMO.

I hope the nasty boss got fired.

[LakeArenal]

28. Interesting. I think I ran into that recently.

[Behind the Aegis]

29. It is pretty bad when it is family that does this to you.