The cops just left

[KentuckyWoman]

I live in a senior village. The independent living housing is single family ranch style cottages in a row. House, garage, garage house garage garage house etc .... All with sunrooms and patios and a bit of green space behind.

The couple next door is in their 90's. He had a stroke a couple years ago and it has brought the "mean" out in him. We've all noticed it but he's meaner to his own wife than anyone. Today, she finally had enough and gave him a few whomps right out in the middle of the road while yelling bloody hell about stuff he did this whole 70 years. In 2 minutes I'd say she dropped the F bomb a dozen times.

If you ever saw anyone have a conniption .. this was it.

When the cops arrived she was inside crying buckets and packing a suitcase. He's going to go stay in nursing for a week and she's going to stay at home. Adult services and the village social worker will see what can be done to help tomorrow.

I am posting this because caregiving is hard. Spousal, parents, children .... regardless of the dynamic this pandemic has not made any of it any easier. Caregivers are NOT doing well. Add in special circumstances without good support and things can get ugly. Add on top of that not being able to get a break because of this covid and it's a recipe for all sort of pain.

If you read this. If you are one of them. If you are on the edge. If you keep "sucking it up" because you don't want to worry anyone, or cause any fuss, or whatever your reason for not getting help.... please do reach out for help.

YOU MATTER TOO.

https://www.usa.gov/disability-caregiver
https://www.caregiving.org/resources/
https://www.caregiver.org
https://www.agingcare.com/topics/60/caregiver-support
https://www.ncoa.org/ (find your local council on aging)


Specifically for caregivers of those with Alzheimer or dementia - HELPLINE at 800.272.3900

[MustLoveBeagles]

1. K&R

[sheshe2]

2. K&R

[markie]

3. a big K&R

been a caregiver off and on (for husbands, father, etc) for almost thirty years... not for the faint-hearted

[lillypaddle]

4. Thanks for posting

K&R

[alwaysinasnit]

5. Thank you KentuckyWoman. My mom passed 7 years ago. She had advanced Alzheimer's and I

wonder every so often how I would have handled her care if she were still here during these awful times. I truly don't know if I could have coped.

[Deuxcents]

6. Ty for posting

My dear friend for over 40 years is having difficulty just like you described. Her mom is 97 n a stroke survivor n even tho the mom is in a facility..and has been for at least 8 years..my friend is frazzled n I fear for her health. She’s at the home 5-6 days a week for hours at a time making sure her mom is taken care of. Our elder care is a mess as is our whole healthcare system. I’ll pass on the info you posted.

[Hekate]

7. KentuckyWoman, thank you so much

For you and all the caring people and caregivers out there

[mnhtnbb]

8. Covid has made this so much worse.

My best friend lived through taking care of her husband, declining from dementia and other problems, until he passed away last May. He would fall. Over and over. Before Covid she'd come home from the store or hair salon and find him convulsing on the floor. Paramedics would come and off they'd go to the ER. After a couple of those episodes, she wouldn't leave him unless someone was with him. And he wouldn't agree to have people staying with him, except family or their housekeeper of many years. Come COVID, she's stuck. Period.

It was awful. She lost it more than a few times. It started more than four years ago. And it wore her down. I could see it. It really aged her.

[KentuckyWoman]

13. It only takes a few emergencies to traumatize a caregiver.

Even with all the support in the world it is really easy to get into that realm of "I don't dare sleep, I don't dare take a shower. I don't dare leave." It only takes a few emergencies to end up in that space. That is under the best of circumstances.

I don't know how long it takes to really decompress. I've had almost 2 years and I'm not there yet. Doing all that in a covid world ... I can't imagine. My best goes out to your friend. And thankful for you being there for her.

[snowybirdie]

9. Thank you

Care giving for our aging spouses/partners is difficult in the best of times. In this long time of Covid, its almost impossible. Pray for this poor couple.

[erronis]

10. Also add in to your great list: the local Area Agency on Aging (AAA)

They help coordinate many of the resources for us elders including dementia respite.

(I work with the Central Vermont Council On Aging - CVCOA)

[calimary]

11. These are some of the "silent casualties" - who are also struggling and suffering

but we don't hear about them as much.

If they're not dying, in the ICU, or otherwise in the "please-we-need-your-prayers" column, they suffer in silence and anonymity. They're barely a heavy rainstorm, now ignored and overlooked because the bigger, more broadly devastating, and more frequent Cat4 hurricanes get all the attention. They may not "move the meter" but they're victims of these times, nonetheless.

Those negatively affected by the pandemic come in all shapes, sizes, colors, ages, locations, derivations, descriptions, and degrees.

[berniesandersmittens]

12. K & R

[GeoWilliam750]

14. K&R

[leftyladyfrommo]

15. A friend's husband got mean after having a stroke

It was sad because he had been a really nice person. It made taking care of him a lot more difficult.

[WinstonSmith4740]

21. My late husband went through pretty much the same thing.

His stroke didn't leave him "mean" per se, but he'd get incredibly pissed off at absolutely nothing. The social worker at the hospital told me it was really common after a stroke for one of two things to happen to a person...if they had a strong personality trait, it would either intensify, or do a 180. It's probably why your friend's husband turned mean after being a nice guy.

[peppertree]

25. +1

Last edited Sun Sep 26, 2021, 10:26 PM - Edit history (1)

You're absolutely right.

God bless.

[leftyladyfrommo]

33. I don't think he lived too long after that.

He had kidney failure and wouldn't do anything about it. That attitude was probably also due to the stroke. I felt sorry for my friend because he just wouldn't do anything to help the situation. You can't force a person to go on living.

[2naSalit]

16. K&R

[skydive forever]

17. my wife had stroke induced dementia for 5 1/2 years before passing

3 years ago. The last picture that I have of her was getting in the back seat of a cop car. (Long story, everything was OK tho) Hardest 5 1/2 years of my life and I would do it all again without hesitation. Having said that, be kind to care givers, they need it.

[benfranklin1776]

18. K and R

Another reason President Biden’s human needs infrastructure bill must pass as it contains vital money for caregiving services which can be a lifeline for those on situations like this.

[TrogL]

19. Thanks I needed that

Craftygal is in hospital again. Bad reaction to Covid booster. Our interactions have been reduced to "change my diaper (please)", "buy me wool", "find my inhaler". I've purchased multiple wheelchairs, hospital bed, patient slings, scooter, a van with a big side door which she refuses to use, special lighting and on and on. Thank God we're on Canadian medical because her dialysis and home care is paid for.

There's times I've wanted to stand in the middle of the street and start screaming.

[KentuckyWoman]

29. Hey.

It's not much but it's all I have and it comes from my deepest heart.

[leighbythesea2]

20. Thank you so much

For sharing this. That poor family. She probably has lacked support.
I caregive and after 20 months (in my case) without the help I had previously, have dreamt off running away/disappearing. Knowing it us just exhaustion, with no real break. 2019 I had breaks! As they say, check on the strong ones.

[demigoddess]

22. don't I know it! 49 years of taking care of a one year old. We have been trying to find

someone to help out (paid), no luck yet.

[Backseat Driver]

23. My family was/is dysfunctional:

Horrible things done in the name of "love" let alone governmental neglect and outright negligence under the GOP and the uber-rich white elite; evil hearts.

Then there's the other side of the coin:

[Ziggysmom]

35. Please no Meatloaf. He's a repug climate change denier and a tfg ass kisser.

[SWBTATTReg]

24. This is why one should have a strong network of friends, family, community, in order to help all of

us in our time of need. We no longer all have the 'it takes a village to raise a family', now it takes an online community to raise a family, to support each of us in our dispersed but still interconnected world via the Internet. If anything, we are more connected than ever before, yet we are still so far apart.

[OldBaldy1701E]

42. But that is the thing

We are less connected. There are times when it looks like there is no connection at all. Mostly thanks to right wing ideology which states that 'lie, cheat, steal' is acceptable in the name of power.

[SWBTATTReg]

54. Some of us are less connected...don't tag all of us w/ this description...I'd like to feel that I'm

far more connected on far more regular basis than writing a pen and letter letter, and do so every week on a regular basis with quite a few 'regulars'...

[OldBaldy1701E]

56. Connected in the sense

Of being able to spew texts and pictures all day and night to anyone on the planet, sure. Connected in the sense of having empathy and consideration for others that are not in a person's 'circle of friends'... well...

[SWBTATTReg]

57. I don't spew texts and pictures all day as you seem to indicate via your mocking words...I'm a

former IT guy in the thick of it from literally day 1. Sure, it's abused quite a bit and people can't keep their phones down for even a full 5 minutes. My point was that describing people in such a blanket manner as you did is not being fair.

[OldBaldy1701E]

58. You are correct

And I was not being clear at all. I was speaking in a very general sense about a percentage of the population (which I obviously think is too high, but that's another discussion...) and was not specifically trying to implicate you. My apologies for that. I did not even catch this until I read your response. (hate getting old)

[SWBTATTReg]

59. Me too. I just celebrated a birthday too, and it's tough getting older, the senses aren't as sharp

as they used to be, but perhaps at least, our wit in our 'old' days is more finely tuned, eh? Take care of yourself and be safe!

[OldBaldy1701E]

60. Thanks!

You as well.

[CousinIT]

26. I have passed this info along to a caregiver in my family.

Thank you. I do hope your neighbors are OK and that they can get everything sorted so that they are both at peace - alone or together. THis is such a heartbreakingly desperate situation.

[MetalMama]

27. Thank you

for the information. I take care of my 90 year old mother and my 29 year old daughter. Plus, I have my own medical/mental health issues. Most days I'm fine. But, every once in a while, it gets to me. I've bookmarked the resources in your post so I can read them later.

Thank you again.

[joetheman]

28. Thank you posting this. And you are so right about everything. nt

[yardwork]

30. What a thoughtful and kind post. Thank you.

[Scrivener7]

31. You rule. This is important. Thank you for posting it.

[flying_wahini]

32. Thank you for posting. Reminding folks here to bookmark this thread for later.

You never know if you just may need it.
Without getting in too deep, I was main caregiver for 3 parents. Thankfully they have all passed
Away. So I appreciate your post.

[KentuckyWoman]

34. Isn't that interesting.

I said the same thing to the police that came. I made the comment it was tough with my husband too. He said "Do you need help" and I said no, thankfully he's passed away. The policeman knew exactly what I meant.

Going through it 3 times is just awful. You are of tougher stuff than I am. Once and I don't think I could again.

[niyad]

36. A truly heartbreaking story. Thank you for providing those valuable links.

[Evolve Dammit]

37. Tragic situation. C-19 will have medical/psychological ramifications for decades. Links are a help.

[seta1950]

38. I say good for her

It’s very hard to take care of someone who is bent on being mean, I know something about that sadly

[slightlv]

39. Thank you for posting this.

My mom has dementia, and the worse it got, the more mean she got... both emotionally and physically. She lived with me and hubby for over a year. My sis and I tried to support each other, especially since I'm retired, but because of that the majority of the caregiving fell on me. Add to that there have been times I didn't know who was worse in the memory department - mom or hubs! Finally, mom asked one night who that man was behind me and I could tell from her eyes she really didn't know who my hubby was anymore. At that point, I knew it had progressed beyond anything I could handle anymore. I'd gone from 185 pounds and being able to help her if she fell, to 97 pounds and unable to help her. She'd also gained this new "habit" of wanting to call 911 for all the special attention she got. (sigh)

So we placed her in a memory care place, after she spent some time in a geriatric psych ward after one of her 911 calls. Not saying I like it, but no assisted living that we could afford could handle her dementia AND her physical lashing out. Sis and I both agree there was nothing else we could have done, so we have total agreement between the two of us and we still support each other. That is such a blessing. But it's still hard. Just recently, Mom had to have a procedure done and I had to do everything via phone thanks to covid. It got to the point I felt like I was playing "Where's Waldo"... only "Waldo" was my mom! Didn't like the feeling at all. Is mom at the hospital or is she back at the home? It's really hard. She had one of her violent spells while at the hospital and they wanted to put her in geriatric psych before sending her back to the home; I agreed to that. Anything to try to help the situation.

Right now, my sister and I are both terrified this is genetic and we're going to turn out like her as we get into our 80's. Mom was never like this before dementia took her. And we had an Aunt who had dementia and she was just as sweet as she could be to everyone. Never ever raised her hand to anyone her entire life - lived to be into her 90's with dementia, and was still just as sweet. But Mom's closer, genetically... and so, we're just scared. Especially me. I'm 65; and so close to following Mom in most other aches, pains, and other ailments.

[CRK7376]

40. This article hits very close to home

My wife's dad is 97, her mom was 94 when she died back in March due to cancer. I teach full time and my wife is the primary care giver to her parents with me as her backup. We have 2 of our 3 kids still living at home, one in Community College the other child is 34 has Asperger and a Masters Degree in Music Performance (Trombone)....unfortunately there are few music jobs available for our son.. So my wife provides all the meals for her parents, now just her Dad, we have a young lady that stays with him 6 out of 7 days each week. She is not a CNA or nurse but both parents like her and are comfortable with her living in my wifes childhood bedroom. On the Weekends she takes off and we take over caring for Pop. Needless to say it is challenging and can be extremely frustrating. We live 20 minutes from the home my wife's parents built in the early 1950s. My wife's brother is single,no kids and lives 6 hours away, comes and lives with his Dad during the summer because he rents an apartment at the beach during the off season, but during the summer he comes home, rent to high for him at the beach. He complains about how hard it is to take care of his dad. We laugh at him all the time, he has no clue how hard it is for us to manage.....and we still have 2 out of 3 kids at home....taking care of an elderly man is easy compared to dealing with toddlers, pre-teens and teenagers as my wife had to do for many years while I was at Ft Bragg, Korea, Afghanistan, Ft. Jackson, Ft Huachuca and other places Uncle Sam sent me.....She makes it look easy and it just pisses off her brother to no end....He pisses me off instantly, always complaining and he has the live in assistant doing most of the care for my father in law.... The dude is clueless and a jerk to say the least. We also do all the grocery shopping/laundry half the time, bathroom duty etc.....and take care of our own house, garden, critters (5 large dogs and 7-8 cats) and our own family issues.....We do it because we can and it is much better than Pop being in an assisted living facility. Plus my wife and I agree it's important to us that we take care of her parents regardless of how hard it becomes...family first and yeah it sucks to be us sometimes. We make it work, and most of the last year we were also taking her Dad in for cancer treatment every 4 weeks, which meant a sick day for me and a day away from Zoom and MSTeam classrooms.....We will continue to provide food, do the laundry, take out the trash, pick up his prescriptions, read Pop the news paper and his mail, sit in the den with him and a TV blaring at ABOUT 1000 DECIBLES....because it's family and that's what you do, you take care of your family.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

41. The stories on this thread are truly scary.

I'm 73, in excellent health, have reasonable financial resources, but I think a lot about what I might need at some point in the future.

Several of the stories involve three or four adult children helping an aging parent. Most of us have one or two children. I have one son, and while he is of course wonderful, he would not at all be suited to taking care of me were I to get dementia, or simply old enough that living on my own wouldn't be a good idea.

Lots of people have no children, and I worry a lot that they aren't planning enough for their old age. My one son, now 38, is highly unlikely to marry or have children, and I really need to start the conversation with him about his aging. Chances are he'll live into his 90s, especially as on his father's side they all tend to last that long.

In 1999 my mother, then 82, had a fall, and about three months later she was dead. That's a fairly common outcome for something like that. And as sad as we were to lose her, I've often said that we were actually very fortunate, and were spared a lot of what so many others go through with their aging parents. Meanwhile, during those three months, her three daughters and one daughter-in-law tag-teamed going out to Tucson to be with her. My older sister did the lion's share of the care.

There really ought to be something better for aging people.

[jaxexpat]

43. There's probably a good reason people didn't initially evolve living terribly long lives.

It's a skill we just don't have and what cruel irony that science has enabled people to live longer coincidentally with their overpopulation and relentless appetite for natural resources. Plus we tend to lose grace, physical and emotional, as we age.

Getting old ain't for children.

[spanone]

44. K&R

[Maeve]

45. Thank you

My brother is coming in a few weeks, and we do have a daily caregiver in 4 hours five days a week, but long-term assistance is very exhausting emotionally as well as physically. AARP also has some assistance advice.

[lagomorph777]

46. Being a caregiver to a mean person is a special kind of hell.

My spouse had something snap in her brain back in the early 1980s; she's been an abusive asshole ever since. She also became quite physically ill at the same time and has never recovered. She spends hours every day berating, criticizing, ridiculing, harassing me. Being stuck here 24/7, I never get a break anymore. First order of business every morning is to talk myself out of suicide.

[Trueblue Texan]

50. Bless your heart...I hear your pain.

I know what you're doing is miserably hard. I wish there was something I could do to ease your burden. Please research resources in your area or call your state's adult protective services--they can often provide some relief for caregivers.

Peace and healing to your beaten, battered spirit.

[lagomorph777]

51. Thank you.

Unfortunately, involvement of outsiders is a no-go zone with her. The rage would spiral out of control. Also, she has lots of dogs (more than allowed, and guess who's their caregiver?). Gov't involvement would not be good.

[The Jungle 1]

47. My wife is a nurse at a senior home.

She has had to talk people off the edge several times. She works nights so she ends up doing it alone. I am not at all happy about it. I am pretty sure she has stopped telling me when it happens. I just wish she would retire.

[bullwinkle428]

48. K&R. My Mom very quickly realized she couldn't take care of my Dad, once

he began experiencing serious issues related to dementia. She's never been a patient person to begin with, and this really took her to the end of her rope. He went into full-time care shortly thereafter. She spent time with him several times per week, but absolutely didn't have the capacity to handle him in a 24/7 situation.

[Trueblue Texan]

49. Thank you for this, Kentucky Woman.

Every day I see caregivers who are worn out emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. Their own health suffers with the unending stress from every quadrant. To make matters worse, the one that requires caregiving is often exhausted, as well and complains, abuses, refuses compliance with medical and practical measures for safety and health. They complain about the caregiver to other family members who are quick to critique with little to no offer of relief to the caregiver who bears the brunt of responsibility to provide care for the loved one/family member.

Caregiving is a difficult and thankless job that has never been more important than it is right now. If you know a caregiver who carries such a load, do what you can to make their jobs easier: take a few meals for them to put in the freezer; offer to give them a day or an afternoon off; offer to do a job that takes a lot of time or energy such as household repairs or helping with housework, yard work, or bathing the one who needs care. Leave them some extra cash! Offer to order groceries and have them delivered. Ask and listen to learn more about how you can help. They may try to make it look easy, but you can bet they are overwhelmed multiple times each week, if not constantly.

Almost every caregiver I have ever met--and I've met thousands--admits it's a much harder job than they ever imagined. Most of us can simply not appreciate how difficult it is until we have to do it ourselves.

Again, Kentucky Woman, thanks for sharing these thoughts.

[appleannie1]

52. My hubby had radiation treatment of his head as a preventative for his cancer spread.

Between the chemo and radiation on his chest and head, he actually beat that bout of cancer. 5 years later he developed leukemia from the aggressive chemo and another form of cancer and died. One of them did something to his brain for the five years in between. Some days he was fine, some childlike, some nasty. Caregiving to someone like that is not an easy task. I hope she gets the help she needs.

[Fortinbras Armstrong]

53. I was a caregiver for my wife for the last ten years of her life.

She had diabetes, ALS, and heart problems. It wasn't always easy, but when we got married, I swore a vow to be with her "in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health", and I kept that vow. Besides, when I needed support because of my own psychological issues, she was there for me. And how could I say that I loved her if I didn't take care of her?

When she died, the three problems I mentioned were all on the death certificate, with an unspoken "it was one of these that killed her, take your pick". Personally, I think it was her heart, but it really doesn't matter.

[Texaswitchy]

55. It is hard being a caregiver.

Almost killed me.

Try two parents at the same time.


Get mental care if needed for yourself.

Nothing wrong with taking Zoloft.