They Had Reasons for Leaving the City. So Why Are Their Friends Mad?

[brooklynite]

The New York Times

In July of 2020, the family moved to Buffalo, where Dr. Frey grew up and where Ms. Gonzalez-Frey, 34, is now an assistant professor of education at the State University of New York. Home is a four-bedroom colonial on a one-acre lot.

The Freys were among the more than 837,400 people who submitted change-of-address requests from New York City addresses in 2020, a 36 percent increase over 2019, according to a pandemic migration report from the NYC office of the comptroller, citing United States Postal Service data. The figure was particularly stark in March of 2020, when almost 80,000 move-out forms were filed, a 65 percent spike from the previous March.

Many of those who beat their way to the exits, maybe to weekend or vacation houses to escape Covid — and who took a lot of flak for it — have since returned to the city. They never planned to be gone forever. Can’t quit you, baby, and all that. But some who left during the pandemic have made the move permanent — and they’re dealing with the fallout.

Take the Freys. They’re very happy with the move, but their New York City friends aren’t so happy with them. Covid is a passing thing, they told the couple, but New York is forever. They would regret what they were doing, the doomsayers warned, noting the folly of making a consequential decision based on a temporary situation.
“There was a real sense that they felt betrayed,” said Dr. Frey, who is now on the staff of Erie County Medical Center, and who recently started The Prudent Plastic Surgeon, an investment advice website aimed at his fellow doctors. “We got a lot of, ‘How can you leave? New York is struggling, and you need to be supportive.’ And it was made clear to me that I wasn’t doing that. Our way of handling it was to emphasize to our friends that we loved New York City and that we weren’t abandoning it in a time of need. But we still felt judged.”

[WhiskeyGrinder]

1. Not a peak NYT article, but a solid effort.

[Klaralven]

2. This must be a social media phenomenon

Formerly, you'd find new friends in your new community, and your old friendships would fade away.

See Dunbar's Number.

[Hortensis]

11. This sounds like an always-was thing to me also, tho. The feeling of

friends "abandoning" you by moving away must always have been.

Of course the role of social media in stoking the negative feelings instead of calming (likely many conflating the new loss with old favorite resentments) seems obvious now that you point it out. These days mobs will always provide social permission to be our worst, and provide endless examples to copy.

[FakeNoose]

3. I spent a few years in New York, didn't love it, was happy to leave it

My son and daughter-in-law LOVE the city and will probably never leave Manhattan.

Well OK, I'm happy to go and visit them but I don't want to live there. I can accept that some people do love it. But it's not for everyone and that's especially true for older people. New Yorkers need to realize that, and many of them don't.

[Diablo del sol]

6. what could they do?

You have state taxes for the last year living in a state. After that your income is in another state so NY can't do squat.

[Sanity Claws]

7. Did not happen to me

I moved out of state, filed a return for the part year that I lived in NYS, and never had a problem.

Edited to add: Also note that I had other indicia of genuinely living out of state: 1) I got a Driver's License from the new State and my NYS license was invalidated; 2) I change my voter registration. But regardless, I never even had anyone from NYS contact me regarding my move or claim that I was required to pay more in taxes.

[RandiFan1290]

8. It's not true

That is one of the fantasy stories limbaugh use to tell his flock before he took the room temperature challenge.

Not at all surprised to see it repeated here

[LakeArenal]

5. We moved to Costa Rica and some people feel personally deserted.

One on particular is so jealous and pissed that the person has cut me out or their life.

Gotta roll with the punches and enjoy the life and friends we have and made.

[Ferrets are Cool]

9. Seems like they need to make new friends

[Beastly Boy]

10. I don't see what the big deal is.

This happens on a regular basis everywhere, especially when young people leave rural areas for big cities. Few feel betrayed over it, most couldn't care less. Why should NYC be any different?

I am surprised that anyone who spent any significant amount of time living in NYC would be so thin-skinned over the consequences of their own decision. C'mon, for gawd's sake, deal with it!

[Hortensis]

13. :) Our national media are still based (living!) in NY.

After all, everything's real, and far more profound and important, when it's about oneself. And it is about them.

NY's a big part of typical NYers' self identities. It seems an abundance of stories that NY wasn't the only place people like them could bear living, that incredibly NYers (!) could be happy to leave, predictably hit some in a narcissistic soft spot.

And in a related self-important story, the whole news-following nation knows that NY's mayor wants to see that "NY swagger" out in full jaunt again.

Me too.

[halfulglas]

12. What we have here is people being kicked out of the tribe.

This is a bit of a swing from people being transferred by their job or previous reasons for relocating like servicemen relocating to one of the places they were stationed but the last few years people are making decisions on living where it's best for them and their families and many people from their social circle feel they are being abandoned because the people leaving are searching for their "home." Instead of trying to keep their friendship going, they are crying accusing the people leaving of not being good citizens. It's because COVID is forcing to reassess their relationships and what the owe to their employers and to their social groups (tribes).

[SWBTATTReg]

14. I have sensed this feeling of abandonment several times, but in STLMO (I know, I know, it's not...

NYC but still, it's my hometown (STLMO)), and on more than several occasions, people who moved away are wanting to move back to the city, and they find out a truth that they can no longer afford to live in the city anymore, the prices of housing have gone up tremendously.

So, in a way, they've shot themselves in the foot two-fold, they missed the big jump in housing prices (which if they owned a place, and most did), they've lost out, as well as paid probably higher prices to live elsewhere, and the other thing is missing out on the urban atmosphere, very similar to NYC's atmosphere (versus the rural parts of MO).

Now to be fair, a lot of people moved away from STLMO for their jobs, and for their families. STLMO was quite a bit a corporate town (headquarters of SWBT (now ATT)), and quite a few other corporate entities, so we had a lot of movement into the city from outside the region. Once they retired, or got other jobs, etc., they moved back home (not in the STLMO region).

I'd like to think that every city has its benefits (and disadvantages). It's all in the eyes of the beholder. Also, family does have a lot of pull still, which is a good thing IMHO in times like this, where modern day commentators seem to mock the lack of community ties constantly when in fact, I don't see this (the lack of ties). And I do keep in contact w/ quite a few of my friends who have moved away, and those we run into after years and years apart, it's like we've never been apart, and we catch up on the news. A very good thing indeed.

[Kaleva]

15. Rising sea levels make staying in NYC less of an option.

"Sea-level rise is accelerating to its highest levels in at least 2,000 years across the Northeast, including New York City, study says"

https://www.cnn.com/2021/03/26/weather/sea-level-rise-accelerating-east-coast/index.html

[MineralMan]

16. I got a similar reaction when I moved from California to Minnesota.

Some California friends simply wrote me off and stopped all communication. I thought it was really weird. We moved because my wife's parents needed someone living nearby in their waning years. Financially, the move for us was beneficial, since real estate prices were drastically different in MN than in CA in 2004.

Since then, the real estate value difference has gotten even more striking. Once my in-laws were gone, we could no longer afford to move back to California. So, here we are, permanently. We moved this year from one house to another one in the Twin Cities metro area. It was more or less an even exchange, value-wise. Had we tried to move back to California, there was no way we could afford any home in that stated. No way at all. Impossible.

[electric_blue68]

17. As a NYCr I'd probably have a personal sense of abandonment for a while...

not that they were abandoning Our City (I'm born & bred).

Stay in touch by letter (in the past) bc phone calls back then too expensive, now in touch by phone bc smart phone plan, and on line.

I'd probably never want to leave here, and hope I wouldn't have to; I've always lived in the higher up areas, or re rents.

I love a few other cities I've visited (San Francisco, Philadelphia, Boston) I just love NYC more.

Chicago is the absolute one USA city I still want to visit!
Seattle after maybe if I could swing the money.