Knockoff Hitler Gets His War, and Other Unmitigated Horseshit (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Y’know, my greatest hope is that the need for this blog will fade with time, that the madness dies down, and the billions of humans who just want to get through this damn life with minimal bullshit will no longer be subject to the insane whims of the shittiest people on the planet, but here we are in a week of headlines about Putin seizing Chernobyl while supply chain issues disrupt the gravestone industry, and, well, “today is not that day.”
(Yet again, shiny colors and informative links await those bold enough to CLICK HERE: https://showercapblog.com/knockoff-hitler-gets-his-war-and-other-unmitigated-horseshit/)
Yeah, the ghastly bastard went and did it; Pooty-Poot launched his vile, illegal war of aggression on neighboring Ukraine. Guess his discount Bond villain ass couldn’t bear the thought of never going Full Hitler, even once. YOLO. Brought to you by Applebee’s.
It must be said, Vlad the Miscalculater has been consistently outflanked by the wily Biden Administration, who simply, brilliantly gave the whole world access to American intelligence on Russia’s intentions.
See, Putkins had this great big plan worked out, a masterpiece of modern gaslighting, to justify invasion by staging a false flag attack, like Ukraine randomly decided to initiate hostilities with the massive military force he’d assembled outside their borders, for Super Real Reasons. Sure, Jan.
Anyway, Old Tricksy Joe basically just posted that shit on the internet for the entire class to see, alongside the Kremlin’s planned war crimes n’ political assassinations. Caught with his pants down, the best this “master spy” could muster was an unhinged, deeply unmanful rant, where he came off like a drunken ex-boyfriend, vowing to chop down the front door with an axe to get his Whitesnake t-shirt back.
Confident he’d pull a fast one on a sleepy, divided NATO, Putin instead faces a strengthened western alliance he’s personally unified with his thuggery. Sanctions swiftly began taint-punting an already troubled economy, with more on the way. It’s all going super well, and I’m sure the long-term payoff will be nothing but bunnies and Pop Tarts and blow jobs. Really. I mean it. Cool plan, Underpants Gnome Mussolini.
Won’t surprise anybody that the spank-me-harder-Vladdy authoritarian Right proved incapable of passing up such a golden opportunity to demonstrate their disloyalty to the United States, just as Peter Doocy could not resist the urge to piggyback on the historic moment to indulge that insatiable public humiliation kink of his.
Of course Kid Kompromat sided with Russian aggression immediately and enthusiastically, grateful for the chance to kiss his boss’ ass in public. And you know Tucker Carlson’s always ready to pour another spoonful of pro-Putin poison down his congregation’s gullet. Hell, seems the entire evangelical Right can’t stop talking about how much they share Vlad’s “values,” which are, again, pro-Killing a Bunch of People and Taking All Their Stuff.
Asked to comment on unfolding events, D.C.’s reigning village idiot, Tommy Tuberville, covered himself in all the glory we’ve come to expect from the United States Senator who doesn’t know what the three branches of government are.
Speaking of the Senate, I see ol’ Jim Inhofe is stepping down in order spend more time posturing with precipitation. Normally, you’re happy to be rid of such a clown, but in a state as Trumpy as Oklahoma, your blood runs cold contemplating the walking wad of butt tumors they’re gonna dig up to replace him.
On that dark subject, the turd fencing competition that is the Ohio Republican Senate primary remains instructive, if terrifying. Vance and Mandel continue their weird, devolved asshole-off, as though the gig goes to whichever guy sounds most like a Proud Boy melting down in a Waffle House parking lot. Anyway, J.D. made a spectacular ass of himself, picking a petty, vulgar fight with retired General Barry McCaffrey, in search of the esteem of the creeps and jagoffs who find such things impressive, and I’m not ready to endorse or anything, but at first glance, Tim Ryan feels like a stronger choice.
I fear the Canadian trucker convoy finally arrived at its inevitable destination, in whichever corner of history’s trash heap contains the lottery tickets and wrestling magazines, as Justin Trudeau tyrannically refused to rewrite public health policy to suit the misconceptions of a handful of tantrum-throwing asshats.
Still, the insurrection-hungry mega-donors of ascendant American fascism are rolling out the astroturf for every braying nitwit who claims he can get a convoy going. So far, efforts have been good n’ laughable, but there’s certainly plenty of money lining up to finance a big budget sequel to the Capitol Riot, and I confess I don’t love that.
I see the Deposed Dotard is desperate to get into the golf business with the journalist-dismembering House of Saud, because of course he is. Y’know, I don’t anticipate a pivot to a Jimmy Carter-like post-presidency any time soon…maybe it’s just the well-earned ban from operating charities talking, but service doesn’t seem like Littlefinger’s “thing.”
And I guess a bunch of Wisconsin Republicans have worked up yet another harebrained scheme to “decertify” the 2020 election, and somehow reinstall their Hemorrhoid Emperor. I say go for it. While I thought we’d moved past this foolishness, god knows I’m always down to watch another wave of dipshits run face-first into this particular wall. Get those hopes allllllllll the way up, fuckheads.
So, you’ve probably noticed Mitch McConnell’s almost playful refusal to articulate any sort of party platform ahead of the midterms; he shrewdly understands there’s little to be gained in reminding the plebes that all he’ll ultimately do with the power they give him is cut their boss’ taxes, and anyway, the GOP’s disinformation-addicted base has little interest in policy specifics, or even in solutions generally, so long as they’re steadily fed engaging new excuses to fear and hate their neighbors.
Well, ghoulish plutocrat Rick Scott took it upon himself to fill in Mitch’s blanks. And the lil’ PowerPoint presentation he threw together…woooooooo. What can you call it but the nightmarish fantasy of a wannabe oligarch who views the American public primarily as livestock?
I’M SICK OF RETIREES LEECHING OFF THE REST OF US, hissed Rick, no doubt imagining coast-to-coast applause, PAY UP YA FILTHY TAKERS!
Hey, I don’t know who needs to hear this, other than, I dunno, a few million Floridians, but this conclusion you’ve reached, on three separate occasions no less, that “this fellow who committed Medicare fraud on a massive scale has my best interests at heart,” it’s, um, not a very astute conclusion. Just one man’s opinion.
Texas Governor Greg Abbott spun the Wheel of Hate, and when the needle landed on “transgender children and their parents,” he asked himself, “what would the Taliban do?” and then he did just that. I don’t know what to even say about these bastards anymore…all they’re interested in is hurting people.
Seriously. Even after all the public backlash, Florida Republicans advanced their truly disgusting Don’t Say Gay bill, which serves no function beyond harming LGBTQ children for the amusement of zealots. Like bullying should be a core function of the state. How conservative.
What perfect timing for the annual gathering of ruptured colon cysts known as CPAC. That roster, dear lord, it’s like a proctologists convention in a leper colony. Seriously, do a shot for every known sex criminal: Matt Gaetz (shot), Eric Greitens (shot), and of course, Wee Donnie One-Term himself (chug a Costco-sized plastic jug of the cheapest vodka you can find).
Beyond that, it’s all the usual morons, maniacs, and mediocrities, wallowing together in the intoxicating filth of their newly agreed upon intentional indecency. Ted Cruz pulling petulantly at Jen Psaki’s pigtails. Mike Pompeo’s doomed, charmless ploys for attention. That sort of thing.
And that sewage treatment plant/flume park mash-up is the party Tulsi Gabbard just HAD to crash, so everybody can spend the weekend snickering “let’s go Brandon” at one another. Whatever.
Naturally, Ron DeSantis was borne to the stage on a bier crafted from the bones of his victims, to boast about all the senseless death he’s caused. This is how Republicans CAMPAIGN, folks. Dueling Governors, bickering over who ignored science the hardest.
Competitive mass-murder…I mean, I guess it makes sense as the sort of psychotic domination ritual a death cult would adopt to select its leadership, but as a railroad-running proposition, it strikes me as unwise.
We keep hearing about how Ron-Ron’s “star is on the rise,” right as he’s installing this majestic quack as DeSantistan’s new surgeon general, which is some straight-up Harkonnen shit.
I dunno, I think I’ll stick with the guy we’ve got, who’s not only bringing steady, expert leadership to a global anti-war coalition, but rolling out a historic Supreme Court nomination at home, all while breaking in a new cat, which is no cakewalk, let me tell you.
Because when you come right down to it, it’s getting awfully tough to ignore the common thread running through so much of the Right’s agenda lately…from the Scott platform to the Abbott order to the Putin war…the cruelty is the point.
What a shitshow. I believe Kermit the Frog put it best, when he said, ”Yeesh.” Well, stay safe out there, my lovelies. Now more than ever. Dedicating this little rant, whatever it may be worth, to those absolute kings on Snake Island, who showed the world how it’s fuckin’ DONE.
= new reply since forum marked as read
and I like the way you put it.
I wish some Dems who have Dragged on Pres Biden, about the way he's handling this tragic crisis, could take Note of this..
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