Jesus Facing Multiple Charges

[NanceGreggs]

Jesus Christ (aka The Saviour, Prince of Peace, Son of God) is facing multiple charges in several states.

Described as a "swarthy, Middle-Eastern-looking man", Jesus has been targeted as an obvious imposter by Christian leaders who insist that the real Jesus is a blue-eyed white man - and have produced numerous paintings to back up their claims.

Authorities are baffled by the man's ability to make appearances all over the country. Major airlines have attributed this to masking requirements, which can lead to anonymity while traveling.

The so-called "Jesus" has reportedly shown up in several US states to explain that his admonitions to feed the hungry, care for the sick, and shelter the homeless are being ignored by the people who claim to be his most ardent adherents - prompting his immediate expulsion from Trump rallies and other MAGA events.

Prominent Republicans were quick to denounce "Jesus". Marjorie Taylor-Greene stated unequivocally that this was not the man who was crucified in Calgary, and Lauren Boebert declared that "the imposter" was just another disgruntled military man who had failed to reach the rank of Lieutenant Corporal.

Other GOPers were not available for comment, having pled their Fifth Amendment rights against self-incrimination that could lead to the loss of their immortal souls.

As of this writing, Jesus Christ has been cited as a treasonous seditionist for proclaiming that we are "our brothers' keepers", along with other nefarious preachings that go against the GOP's long-held belief that it is the rich, the politically powerful, and the corrupt that shall inherit the earth - those namby-pamby meek be damned.

In a show of complete arrogance, Jesus has decided to represent himself in all pending court proceedings, in hopes that His Message of peace and understanding will sway judges and juries alike.

So-called "Christians" across the country doubt that Jesus Christ himself can persuade anyone with his "treat your fellow men as you would wish to be treated" bullshit, and are confident that He will be crucified - as soon as some Red State can pass legislation allowing such punishment.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

1. "crucified in Calgary"! That's just the kind of thing she'd write. . . . nt

[ck4829]

2. "He was no angel", conservative pundits state

[overleft]

3. Amen! Amen! Amen! and "Calgary" that is awesome and par for the course.

[nebby70]

4. I wish this wasn't so spot on....

... I've spend a lot of years saying, "..yes, I'm a Christian...just not 'that' kind of Christian.

[NanceGreggs]

10. Which makes me wonder ...

... why more "not that kind of Christians" have remained so silent.

[underpants]

5. Easter 🌙

[twodogsbarking]

6. I am still unclear about his middle name.

[Harker]

9. Harold, as I learned directly from my father. n/t

[EYESORE 9001]

12. I have it on good authority

that it’s Herschel.

[Walleye]

13. Howard be thy name

[twodogsbarking]

21. Boy was I wrong.

Thanks for clarifying.

[Walleye]

22. I heard that many years ago. Still cracks me up

[twodogsbarking]

23. Didn't he have a brother named Jose?

Maybe that was Latino Jesus.

[FoxNewsSucks]

26. Hussein.

But, without an original long-form birth certificate, we may never know.

[Joinfortmill]

7. Wow. Impressive.

[Ferrets are Cool]

8. Jesus only needs one moniker in order to be "crucified" by the repug establishment...

LIBRUL

[Mr. Ected]

11. There are those who claim that this so-called Jesus doesn't even exist

Sheriff Joe Arpaio took to FOX News last night demanding that Jesus "show his birth certificate or admit he's a fraud".

"Not only are his claims of eternal life outlandish and untenable, he can't even produce a document proving he was born in the United States", Arpaio said. "We have reason to believe that he was born in Kenya or some other place that terrifies our audience".

Mitch McConnell, a contemporary of Jesus Christ, was unavailable for comment.

[panader0]

14. Well done Nance. Recommended.

[The Jungle 1]

15. I have always gotten a kick out of the white worlds depiction of Jesus.

Jesus is also facing felony charges of creating rampant good trouble.
Bless you Mr. Lewis.
There is no middle ground here. Christ was a liberal.
We need to force the right to understand what Christ taught.
Christ did not ask us help the poor.
He demanded we help the poor.
He said nothing about judging the poor.
He was quite clear about who would do the judging.

[Probatim]

16. Cleveland Jesus - that's what my uncle calls the "model" white Jesus of the US.

[Backseat Driver]

20. Only on the West Side of town.

During my time, there's always been a bit more competition for that title on the East Side of town.

[Probatim]

30. In his mind, when he first made the joke, Cleveland was probably more a working class, white city

than what it is today.

Topeka Jesus would apply too.

[XacerbatedDem]

17. So, is Rick Scott going to hell? Inquiring minds want to know.

[PatrickforB]

18. Your post smacks of truth. Jesus would in fact be re-crucified, or be subject to

lethal injection, were he to come back and preach the same gospel he did in Matthew, Chapters 5-8.

Because doing unto others the way we would have them do unto us JUST AIN'T HOW WE ROLL HERE IN 'MURIKA!

[Evolve Dammit]

19. Excellent. Wish I could laugh. I don't know if I can anymore. This could almost be true.

[Aristus]

24. GOP campaign ad.

"Jesus Christ. This is the man who took lunch from a hard-working shepherd boy and gave it away to five thousand homeless layabouts! The Temple of Solomon Small Business Association calls him: 'The Most Dangerous Man In Jerusalem'. And Jesus Christ is soft on adultery! This November, don't vote for a man who keeps raucous wedding parties well-supplied with alcohol! Don't vote for a man who associates with tax collectors, terrorists, and known prostitutes!

Jesus Christ! BAD FOR AMERICA"

- Paid For By Republicans For Morality

[intheflow]

25. Way off base!

Modern-day GQP Christians wouldn't crucify Jesus. They would construct gallows, obvs.







This is , for the sarcastically-challenged DUers.

[FoxNewsSucks]

27. THey'd just haul out the gallows they made for Pence.

[intheflow]

29. Of course. That's how the GQP "recycles".

[MineralMan]

28. Brava!

[electric_blue68]

31. Be on the lookout!!1!1!1111 (ty, NG)