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TheFerret

(626 posts)
Fri Mar 25, 2022, 09:59 PM Mar 2022

Remind Me Again, Mr. Putin, What Happens When We Fuck Around? (Ferret)

Y’know, I’ve been writing these posts for five fucking years now. I’m just…I’m really, REALLY ready to live anywhere other than here, at this hellishly inescapable intersection of idiocy and indecency. Someplace with better restaurants and fewer violently angry white dudes. Access to the beach would be nice.

Anyway.

(Obligatory blog link: https://showercapblog.com/remind-me-again-mr-putin-what-happens-when-we-fuck-around/)

Operation: Little Man Vlad Plays War is still going exactly according to plan, assuming the intention was to ensure the world remembers Putin as the single dumbest agent of atrocity in all human history.

The Russian military continues its extremely public deterioration into an impotent pile of roughly-used kitty litter. They’re actually losing ground now, losing officers, and even warships, in addition to the, you know, thousands and thousands of troops. Still, morale seems to be holding up; incidents of Russian soldiers running over their commanders with tanks have largely remained isolated thus far.

Meanwhile, the West just keeps on finding new sanctions in the sofa cushions, while diligently filling Zelensky’s increasingly-specific shopping lists. Oh, and Europe is moving with impressive speed and efficiency* towards a massive decoupling from Russian energy, so I don’t think your adorable little “economy” will even qualify for the G20 in a couple weeks, but it’s certainly amusing that you imagine you can just show up at the meeting with a case of High Life, ready to dazzle Olaf Scholz with your Euphoria takes like nothing happened. Like anyone gives a shit what Dumber Hitler wants the global economy to look like.

In fairness, you’ve been a bit off your game lately, Vlad-o. Now that you’re running out of missiles, (congrats again on that sweet-ass battle plan, bro) I see the best the mighty strongman can muster is feeble whinging that he’s getting “cancelled,” like J.K. Rowling. Wallowing in mewling victimhood, like a third-rate Donald Trump. Ouch.

You’re going out like an absolute bitch, Vlad, and it’s spectacular to behold. I don’t know precisely how far out your Turturro-in-Miller’s Crossing moment is, but I’m ordering pizza that night. Incidentally, little man, superpowers don’t need to beg Belarus for battlefield bailouts.

Speaking of Lukashenko’s pathetic little puppet state, they granted asylum to fugitive January 6th terrorist Evan Neumann, because sometimes history feels the need to tie a few threads together into one great big, fucked up bow. Either to amuse us or drive us insane, I can’t figure out which.

Well, the Ye Gods Look Upon the Fallen State of American Conservatism Pageant, excuse me, “Ketanji Brown Jackson's Supreme Court confirmation hearing,” went more or less exactly how you knew it would…hour upon hour of the cringiest imaginable posturing from the dullest assholes on the planet, as they competed for the affections of an attention span-challenged hate cult.

Master sleuth Josh Hawley uncovered the Democratic Party’s nefarious court-packing plot to elevate the rights of child pornographers above all others. That’s right, Josh, QAnon is 100% real, and the endgame involves putting pedophiles in ultimate charge of just who has to bake whose cakes. Roy Moore is totally down with that plan, by the way. So is Matt Gaetz. And Josh Duggar. And Ruben Verastigui. And Adam Hageman. And Ralph Shortey. But sure, this is a huge problem…for the Left. Sure.

Or, and bear with me, maybe Josh Hawley is an awkwardly stitched together wad of surgically removed colon tumors, intentionally spreading disinformation that’s widely understood to provoke violence, because he’s a fascist working to burn American democracy down in order to piss in the ashes.

As for Hawley’s distinguished Judiciary Committee colleagues…oh, fucking hell, do I really have to catalog all this crap? What is it about a SCOTUS confirmation that makes these clowns waggle their subpar asses at the world so aggressively?

Like, why did Marsha Blackburn feel it necessary to randomly demonstrate her inability to pass a fifth grade social studies test? WHY? What made Lindsey Graham wave his soiled trousers so proudly before the assembled cameras? Why in seven hells did Ted Cruz think Racist Story Time With My Shitty Beard would benefit him in any way? What meth-addled beetle burrowed into Mike Braun’s brain and told him to take an unprompted shot at interracial marriage? What is in the goddamn water over there, kids?

Look, you are creepy old white people in unappealing suits, and you are not attracting the audience you think you are with your Trumpian tantrums. Shit, Tom Cotton’s such a dreary little freak, nothing from his sorry rant managed to even break through. It’s like y’all’re reciting from the Turner Diaries at the top of your lungs at an otherwise empty deli counter. I despise your ideology of hatred, but I’m also embarrassed for you.

Now, despite the all-you-can-dog-whistle buffet presented by a Black woman’s confirmation hearing in the middle of a manufactured panic over “critical race theory,” Republican Senators still can’t get away with being quiiiiiiiiite as openly racist as they might like, but never fear, shitbags, wingnut pundits like Charlie “Didn’t Dick Tracy Fight This Guy” Kirk are NOT shy about picking up the slack.

Ron DeSantis apparently decided there’s no worthier use of a governor’s time or power than rearranging NCAA swimming results in the name of transphobia. While the fanatical devotion to the supremacy of second place is certainly consistent with current Republican dogma, like, what the fuck is wrong with you, dude? Why are you like this?

Still, you keep hearing about how these acts of raw hatred are actually huge political winners for DeSantis. And like, yeah, I get it; the Republican base is primarily motivated by and interested in hurting people, and making them afraid; it’s called ascendant fascism, yo.

“Gee, Cap, aren’t you being a touch unfair? A little harsh?” Hmmmm…say that after you check out the latest bit of fuckery from Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, his barely restrained glee at deploying his shiny new powers to stamp out one individual school district’s Pride Week.

Like…what a senselessly hateful thing to even want to do. I understand we have differing views on what government is for and what it should be allowed to do, but the idea that the state should intentionally harm children because…well, because that’s what bigots want…that’s a really fucked up idea, you guys.

Hell, look at the Ohio Republican Senate Primary, right? It’s been like watching turds knife-fight in a campground outhouse. For fucking weeks. Of COURSE the feral buttholes’ “debate” nearly descended into an oafish brawl, these voters are looking for shitty people willing to do shitty things.

So expect Eric Greitens to gain ground in the polls, now that he faces a fresh round of allegations straight out of a rejected Law & Order: Special Victims Unit script. It’s almost harder to make your way in a GOP primary without an abomination or two on your resume.

Hey House Republicans, I know that enabling wealthy criminals is sort of your thing, but now that Nebraska Congressthug Jeff Fortenberry has been convicted on three federal felony counts, could we maybe strip him of his lawmaking authority sometime soon? I wouldn’t want to interrupt anyone who’s preening for the cameras about how “tough on crime” they are, of course.

Oh, and SPEAKING OF, turns out Mark Meadows’ insurrectionist bride joined him in his clumsy commission of that rarest of crimes: voter fraud! And friends, there is no damn way to plead ignorance here. “Your Honor, I sincerely believed that claiming a random mobile home where I have absolutely never once lived as my official residence was totally legal.” I mean, why wouldn’t it be? I myself am registered to vote at a Denny’s in Phoenix.

America, I ask you…where are the Meadows’ matching LOCK HIM/HER UP chants? Because I’ve been told, for fucking YEARS now, by pious politicians and rage-blind internet commenters alike, that voter fraud must be punished, responsible as it is for the theft of everything that’s pure and good and right about this country, and as many as thirty bald eagle deaths annually.

And with all due respect to the reflexive You Can’t Make Me Believe Anything I Don’t Want To conservative defense mechanism, these two twerps are nailed to the goddamn wall here, because they were too fucking stupid to not get caught. It’s like they tried to rob a bank with a MyPillow or some shit. I’m saying, YOU’RE RIGHT, REPUBLICANS, let us protect the integrity of our elections by prosecuting these crooks to the fullest extent of the law. I’ll give you a ride to the courthouse so we can watch the sentencing together.

Oh, I suppose we shouldn’t move on from Meadows without mentioning his treasonously batshit text exchanges with Ginni Thomas during the period of the Attempted Assclown Autogolpe. I mean, not a huge deal or anything, just the CHIEF OF STAFF TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES and the wife of a Supreme Court Justice tossing Sydney Powell’s Q-sodden ravings around to justify their criminal conspiracy to steal the federal government from the American people, in the name of their malformed, mediocre, white nationalist god. Normal, healthy shit from a smoothly-functioning modern democracy.

Oh man, the sad, shabby, loser slap fight between Donald Trump and Mo Brooks! Jeeeeezus. Loser un-endorses other loser, accomplishing little beyond shining a white-hot spotlight on both losers’ rapidly-vanishing clout. Even for such human urinal cakes, it’s almost too mortifying to watch, like some John Waters-directed survivalist game show.

Mo, you traitorous taintwart, you knew he was a snake when you incited a terrorist mob to attack Congress in his name, so expect no tears over this reversal of fortune, though if you’re in the mood for a little payback, I don’t imagine the January 6th commission is difficult to reach. Oh, and Donnie? The loserstink is coming from YOU, dawg.

The Deposed Dotard must be going stir-crazy, pacing around Marm-a-Lago, watching his endorsement lose value faster than the ruble, which explains why he’s lobbed another doomed nuisance lawsuit at Hillary Clinton n’ friends. There must be something sadomasochistically comforting about the dependable ritual of humiliating legal defeat, right? I mean…apparently.

Look, Alaska, go ahead and replace newly departed Congressman Don Young with Sarah Palin if you really think she’s the best available option, just don’t be surprised when your state breaks off the continent and drifts away. Looney Tunes decisions, Looney Tunes results.

Well, speaking only for myself, I need to tear myself away from the news now, before my brain runs screaming from my skull, so I’m going to set my tablet down in favor of a craft beer tasting I hope will last through the weekend. Hey, if you backed the ODD YARNS Kickstarter, be on the lookout for an exciting update within the next week or so…either way, stay safe out there, folks.

*You know, those things your army doesn’t have. 

22 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
Highlight: NoneDon't highlight anything 5 newestHighlight 5 most recent replies
Remind Me Again, Mr. Putin, What Happens When We Fuck Around? (Ferret) (Original Post) TheFerret Mar 2022 OP
"Like watching turds knife-fight in a campground outhouse" is an image ZZenith Mar 2022 #1
Yes that was another good one but: yonder Mar 2022 #5
Don't forget "traitorous taintwart"! panader0 Mar 2022 #20
That one was winning this column until I read: yardwork Mar 2022 #22
Kickety Kickin' Faux pas Mar 2022 #2
KR TY Ferret! Cha Mar 2022 #3
Aloha, Cha! SheltieLover Mar 2022 #10
Mahalo, Aloha, Sheltie! Cha Mar 2022 #17
I don't know how you do this... MontanaMama Mar 2022 #4
. . . FoxNewsSucks Mar 2022 #6
damn nice llashram Mar 2022 #7
Excellent! 👏👏👏👏 SheltieLover Mar 2022 #8
Great read, thanks! TeamProg Mar 2022 #9
K&R ismnotwasm Mar 2022 #11
The answer is: "We find out." dchill Mar 2022 #12
I love every juicy word of this. Traildogbob Mar 2022 #13
K&R and... CaliforniaPeggy Mar 2022 #14
Ty..I enjoyed this. Deuxcents Mar 2022 #15
K&R, Ferret. murielm99 Mar 2022 #16
Thank you. ❤ littlemissmartypants Mar 2022 #18
Thank you for your words of wisdom LetMyPeopleVote Mar 2022 #19
KnR for those who are tired of the twice fooled. Hugin Mar 2022 #21

ZZenith

(4,107 posts)
1. "Like watching turds knife-fight in a campground outhouse" is an image
Fri Mar 25, 2022, 10:44 PM
Mar 2022

I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life. Thanks!

yonder

(9,620 posts)
5. Yes that was another good one but:
Fri Mar 25, 2022, 11:37 PM
Mar 2022

"....is an awkwardly stitched together wad of surgically removed colon tumors" did it for me.

Both images will undoubtedly live on.

And thanks to Mr. Cap for 5 years of this.

yardwork

(61,331 posts)
22. That one was winning this column until I read:
Sat Mar 26, 2022, 09:53 AM
Mar 2022
“Your Honor, I sincerely believed that claiming a random mobile home where I have absolutely never once lived as my official residence was totally legal.” I mean, why wouldn’t it be? I myself am registered to vote at a Denny’s in Phoenix.

As a North Carolinian, literal tears of laughter here!

MontanaMama

(23,219 posts)
4. I don't know how you do this...
Fri Mar 25, 2022, 11:16 PM
Mar 2022

But I’m so grateful that you do. Thank you for making me laugh at this fucking dumpster fire that is now our life.

Traildogbob

(8,476 posts)
13. I love every juicy word of this.
Sat Mar 26, 2022, 12:29 AM
Mar 2022

The most colorful writing I have had to opportunity to read in years. The visions it generated must be what mushrooms provide, never did any but this writing brought the words to a brilliantly colored portrait to enjoy in a mesmerized state. I think you thoroughly covered ALL the main actors. Well done. Much appreciated. Saving this to my email. Gonna savor bits of it for years, and steal segments as a response to any MAGAT encounter. Cheers.

Hugin

(32,680 posts)
21. KnR for those who are tired of the twice fooled.
Sat Mar 26, 2022, 09:36 AM
Mar 2022

Walking through life not realizing any after the first is on them.

Yet, they keep coming back for ladles more.

I’ve had all of the atrocities normalization and pandemic wishing away I can stand for this week.

Thanks, TF. We’re all going to need therapy, we’ll never receive. But, your posts for the past five years have certainly provided me with the comforts of knowing I’m not stuck in some misguided David Cronenberg inspired David Lynch directed docu-drama aired directly to a public access channel alone. Thanks, bro. I mean it.

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