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Tommy Carcetti

(43,303 posts)
Tue Aug 9, 2022, 02:01 PM Aug 2022

BREAKING NEWS: Trump makes impromptu 2024 announcement as federal agents search his estate

Approximately 20 minutes after first receiving word that his Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, Florida was in the process of being searched by FBI agents pursuant to a court-executed search warrant, former President Donald Trump formally announced he was seeking the Republican nomination for President in 2024.

Attempting to recapture the atmosphere of his original campaign announcement back in June 2015, Trump was seen once again descending down the golden escalator in his Manhattan office tower. A lone staffer stood behind him, holding up his phone upright and playing Neil Young’s “Rockin’ in the Free World” at maximum volume, until it was interrupted by a paid ad for eczema relief medication. Down at the base of the escalator, several employees of the Trump Ice Cream Parlor were marshalled out by Trump staff, who forcibly placed red “Make America Great Again” hats on their heads and instructed them to act as loyal supporters.

The former President took to a podium featuring a white cardboard placard with “Trump 2024” crudely written on it in black Sharpie marker. Wearing a white Trump National Golf Club Bedminster golf shirt featuring what appeared to be several prominent ketchup stains on it, staffers quickly placed a black blazer over Trump’s shoulders and a loosely knotted red necktie around his neck as he begun his speech.

“Today, at this moment, this very moment right now, exactly right now, I am announcing that I am once again seeking to become your President in order to make America great again,” Trump declared. “And of course, that means I am now officially by law and under threat of prosecution for treason exempt and immune from any sort of fake and phony law enforcement investigation of any kind, and that anyone wishing to conduct some ridiculous and baseless witch hunt must stop immediately.”

“I mean, as in right this very second,” he added to affect.

When one of the few members of the media who had managed to arrive at Trump Tower—given the short notice of the announcement—asked Trump as to what possible basis he had to make such a claim, the former President retorted that it was “in the Constitution” and that “a lot of people don’t know it’s in the Constitution, but it’s right there, right next to, you know, that other thing.”

One awkward moment occurred early on when Trump turned to acknowledge his family, only to realize that the only individual present was his younger daughter Tiffany, who appeared to have been brought on stage by Trump’s handlers without any prior knowledge or awareness as to why she was there.

“Oh, great, they brought f__g Tiffany, my least favorite kid,” the former President remarked, seemingly unaware that his comments were being captured by the microphone. “Tiffany. Great f__g job, guys. Really great. You couldn’t have tried a little harder to get someone in my family who actually f__g matters? Whatever. Let’s just get this done with, okay?”

It was later learned that Trump’s older daughter Ivanka was in Cayman Islands with her husband, Jared Kushner; eldest son Donald Trump, Jr. was reportedly vacationing in Culiacan, Mexico while his brother Eric was spending the week at Six Flags Great Adventure amusement park in nearby Jackson, New Jersey.

Reports say that Trump’s wife Melania could not make the announcement due to a previously scheduled conflict with her tennis pro lessons, and their son Barron simply expressed no interest in leaving his room to be at his father’s side for the event.

Expectedly, Trump’s speech was rather light on policy specifics, with one notable exception, as he expressed a desire to “defund the police.”

“But you know, just those ones,” Trump quickly added. “You know, the one’s down there now. Down there at Mar-a-Lago. Defund them. Like right now, okay? Time for them to go home. Time for them to go bye-bye.”

Trump also took time to attack potential GOP rivals for the 2024 nomination, although he appeared to struggle to come up with some of his patented nicknames that he frequently likes to give opponents.

“Let’s face it, I am the only one in the Republican Party who stands a chance to beat Old Sleepy Joe Biden in 2024,” the former President proclaimed. “Who else could they possibly get? Ron DeSantis? Ron…Ron…um…Ron...Ronny…Runny…Little Runny Ronny DeSantis? Give me a break.”

Despite the haphazard and impromptu nature of the announcement, Trump nonetheless managed to speak for roughly two and a half hours in rambling, scattershot fashion, covering a wide myriad of subjects such as gruesome and graphic descriptions of murders purportedly committed by undocumented immigrants, windmills, the “most beautiful” chocolate cake he served at Mar-a-Lago, why he would never enter a bicycle race, sex parties held on yachts owned by his late friend William Levitt, the “genius” of Vladimir Putin who once gave him a “most dazzling” soccer ball, windmills again, and the extreme hazards of walking down a 10 degree inclined ramp after addressing cadets at West Point.

Besides the announcement itself, the one other major surprise coming out of the former President’s speech was his proclamation that he had already chosen a running mate: his former Chief of Staff Mark Meadows.

Meadows was present at Trump’s announcement, although—much like Tiffany Trump—it appears he was procured there against his will and that he was not previously aware that the former President would be announcing his campaign that day or that he would be naming him as his running mate.

While the selection of a running mate typically does not occur until after a candidate has at least unofficially clinched his or her party’s nomination and around the time of the party’s convention, Trump said it was necessary to buck such traditions because of what he deemed “urgent circumstances.”

Specifically, Trump insisted without explanation that like Presidential candidates, Vice Presidential candidates are also immune from any and all prosecution. Furthermore, Trump claimed any and all conversations he has ever had--and will ever have--with Meadows are protected by what he termed as “Presidential-Vice Presidential privilege,” thus prohibiting Meadows from ever being compelled to testify against Trump under any circumstances.

“It’s right there in the Constitution,” Trump said.


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BREAKING NEWS: Trump makes impromptu 2024 announcement as federal agents search his estate (Original Post) Tommy Carcetti Aug 2022 OP
You got me underpants Aug 2022 #1
Great stuff Tommy (nt) Hugh_Lebowski Aug 2022 #2
You're too good at this. nolabear Aug 2022 #3
Well done Ohio Joe Aug 2022 #4
Brilliant stuff!!!! MyOwnPeace Aug 2022 #5
LOL nt Tommy Carcetti Aug 2022 #7
Did anyone tell him about the toilet paper stuck to his shoe? Hermit-The-Prog Aug 2022 #6
"Presidential-Vice Presidential privilege" PatSeg Aug 2022 #8
not funny! Tickle Aug 2022 #9
If he does, the RNC can't pay his legal bills IronLionZion Aug 2022 #10
Superb! Ptah Aug 2022 #11
Too many paragraphs to be really about a trump statement. LakeArenal Aug 2022 #12
This message was self-deleted by its author LakeArenal Aug 2022 #13
You done good Mr. C. That was some great stuff! Damn, I love this site! justhanginon Aug 2022 #14
Thanks! Nt Tommy Carcetti Aug 2022 #17
The saddest part... rubbersole Aug 2022 #15
Very nicely caramelized, Tommy! dchill Aug 2022 #16
I love the use of the term "caramelized" as a verb! nt Tommy Carcetti Aug 2022 #18
But, if I had used it with the noun "onion," it would have... dchill Aug 2022 #19


(17,030 posts)
5. Brilliant stuff!!!!
Tue Aug 9, 2022, 02:22 PM
Aug 2022

Superb satire, backed up by this 'First Report' from the raid by 'The Borowitz Report.'.............

PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—F.B.I. agents swarming over Donald J. Trump’s Florida estate reported that they have so far been unable to locate the health-care plan that he had promised to deliver while President.

“Trump said that the plan was terrific and beautiful and far better than Obamacare,” Harland Dorrinson, the lead F.B.I. agent searching the estate, said. “If we could get our hands on it, that would be a game changer for our country.”

Agents cracked open the former President’s safe but were frustrated in their attempts to find any documents with the words “health” or “care” in them.

“It’s got to be around here somewhere,” one F.B.I. agent said.

As of late Monday night, a Bureau spokesman indicated that the agents had also been unable to find a prescription-drug plan, an infrastructure plan, or the framework for a peace treaty with North Korea.

Response to Tommy Carcetti (Original post)


(7,222 posts)
15. The saddest part...
Tue Aug 9, 2022, 04:34 PM
Aug 2022

pick any paragraph and it could be plausible. (Except that Tiffany was there in person...)

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