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Tommy Carcetti

(43,303 posts)
Mon Aug 15, 2022, 11:49 AM Aug 2022

BREAKING NEWS: New upstart venture Trump Nuclear announces start of business operations

Shockwaves reverberated all across the Military-Industrial Complex as word of a new player in the game of nuclear weapons was announced. But in a twist, this newest player has a very familiar name to it.

Today, the Trump Organization publicly announced the founding of its newest business venture, Trump Nuclear, which it says will focus on the research, development, production, marketing and distribution of nuclear energy, materials and weaponry across the globe.

“We’re here to offer our clients a variety of the finest products in fission technology,” a Trump Organization spokesperson said. “From specialized battlefield tactical nukes all the way up to massive thermonuclear hydrogen bombs, we aim to please by delivering products that not only provide maximum explosive firepower, but do so with the utmost level of panache and class.”

Trump Nuclear said their mission was to change the way countries and paramilitary organizations looked at nuclear proliferation, and to remove the red tape typically associated with development of such weapons by outsourcing it to the private sector, thus allowing a stress-free environment for those seeking to gain an added advantage in global geopolitics.

“And we’re going to have some fun with it, too,” the spokesperson enthused. “People think ‘nuclear weapons’ and they think dull, drab olive-green mechanical devices. Trump Nuclear is going to change that completely. All of our weaponry is going to come in a choice of silver, gold or platinum coating, signifying that the person detonating it will spare no expense in annihilating his or her sworn enemies.”

“And we’re going to have guaranteed two-day shipping for all products!” he added.

While the official grand opening of Trump Nuclear isn’t scheduled to take place until sometime this fall, the company has already been quietly been doing business on a beta-test level for several months. Trump Nuclear officials state that plans to develop the company began at some point in early 2021.

So far, sources say a review of the list of Trump Nuclear’s clients reveals both some familiar and expected names as well as some surprises.

“North Korea, Russia, and Saudi Arabia all have made inquiries,” one intelligence official said. “Also, Iran, which is a bit of a surprise given the level of antagonism that existed during the Trump administration. But I think the Trump Nuclear thinking on Iran is that if you can’t beat them, supply them.”

But not all countries looking to do business with Trump Nuclear were traditional rogue powers.

“There were a few names that came completely out of left field,” the intelligence official noted. “For example, Liechtenstein! That’s right—Liechtenstein! You can’t blame them, though. Little people wanting to think big. And when I say ‘little people,’ I’m not just speaking metaphorically. Honestly, I don’t think there was a Liechtensteiner government representative over 5 foot 8 at the sales pitch meeting.”

Besides officially recognized governmental entities, several paramilitary organizations and unrecognized nation states also have already sought out the services of Trump Nuclear. Representatives from the Islamic State, the Donetsk People’s Republic in Eastern Ukraine, and a confederation of separatist militias from Eastern Oregon have all either already purchased materials from Trump Nuclear or have inquired about doing so.

While the entry of Trump Nuclear into the weapons of mass destruction market has undoubtedly created a tremendous level of excitement, many questions still remain about the actual quality and effectiveness of the products being sold. Even Trump Nuclear has admitted that not all customers have been satisfied with the inventory stock so far.

“We have received at least one complaint so far,” a company spokesperson said. “Specifically, from the East Oregonian Nationalists. Apparently, the Donald Junior Tactical Explosive Device they had purchased from us failed to detonate outside the gate of a National Guard installation near Pendleton. And yes, they were initially quite upset about that. However, we reached out to them and quickly assuaged their concerns. They’re now currently at the top of the waiting list for the new Ivanka Boosted Fission Weapon that’s due out in December. Just in time for Christmas!”

Initial product related hiccups or not, one thing is certainly undeniable: Trump Nuclear wants to make a huge impact on consumers that they say will translate into a true game-changer when it comes Mutually Assured Worldwide Destruction.

“We’ve all seen the power of the Trump name,” the spokesperson said. “Whether it is casinos, steaks, vodka, airlines, universities or any number of products whose stories exemplify the unparalleled level of business success of the Trump Organization throughout the years, we could think of no product more fitting to bring it all to a fantastic conclusion than a Trump Nuclear weapon.”

DETAILS AT ELEVEN.

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BREAKING NEWS: New upstart venture Trump Nuclear announces start of business operations (Original Post) Tommy Carcetti Aug 2022 OP
I had to check the link. niyad Aug 2022 #1
I think Trump Nuclear is missing a few control rods ... mwooldri Aug 2022 #2
What can go wrong? grumpyduck Aug 2022 #3
Good satire. Celerity Aug 2022 #4
This message was self-deleted by its author Baked Potato Aug 2022 #5
I love good satire LetMyPeopleVote Aug 2022 #6
And don't forget their effectiveness against hurricanes! muriel_volestrangler Aug 2022 #7
That may be satire, but check this out... AntiFascist Aug 2022 #8

mwooldri

(10,332 posts)
2. I think Trump Nuclear is missing a few control rods ...
Mon Aug 15, 2022, 11:51 AM
Aug 2022

... because its principal owner has already experienced a few meltdowns.

Response to Tommy Carcetti (Original post)

muriel_volestrangler

(101,777 posts)
7. And don't forget their effectiveness against hurricanes!
Mon Aug 15, 2022, 03:49 PM
Aug 2022

I think the Florida governor should give them a contract at once, if he knows what's good for him.

Plus:

Ambitious new target to see 43% of all MPs correctly pronouncing ‘nuclear’ by 2050

In what has been described as ‘unrealistic’ and ‘unattainable’ by some opponents, Parliament today passed new legislation that will see almost half of all MPs being able to correctly say the word ‘nuclear’ in under thirty years.

Prime Minister Albanese conceded that the target would require ‘a lot of hard work’ and ‘an entirely different way of thinking about the word nucular’, but said he wanted Australia to be ambitious. “Some people think it’s a forgone conclusion that we will always pronounce it ‘nucular’, but I want to challenge our Parliament to do better. This is a floor, not a ceiling”.

Opposition leader Peter Dutton said he did not support the target and wanted other ways of pronouncing the word to be explored. “I don’t think there is enough evidence yet to suggest that the ‘l’ is definitely before the ‘ea’. We haven’t considered ‘noo-cula’. We need to also look at ‘noo-cola’. I think everything should be on the table.

https://www.theshovel.com.au/2022/08/08/new-target-43-of-all-mps-correctly-pronouncing-nuclear-by-2050/

AntiFascist

(12,811 posts)
8. That may be satire, but check this out...
Mon Aug 15, 2022, 04:37 PM
Aug 2022
January 1, 2017:
o IP3 leaders General Keith Alexander, General Jack Keane, Mr. Bud McFarlane, and
Rear Admiral Michael Hewitt, as well as the chief executives of six companies—
Exelon Corporation, Toshiba America Energy Systems, Bechtel Corporation, Centrus
Energy Corporation, GE Energy Infrastructure, and Siemens USA— signed a letter to
Deputy Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. The letter presented “the Iron Bridge
Program as a 21st Century Marshall Plan for the Middle East” and stated that it was
“designed to create long term government to government and commercial to
commercial partnerships between the United States and the Kingdom of Saudi
Arabia.”5


https://oversight.house.gov/sites/democrats.oversight.house.gov/files/Trump%20Saudi%20Nuclear%20Report%20-%202-19-2019.pdf
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