Dear America ...
We're really, really sorry for being such assholes.
We're sorry for electing and defending a lying traitor like Donald Trump, especially now that his crimes are being exposed, along with the corruption of many prominent people in our party who aided and abetted him.
Now that we are being subpeoned, called to testify, are under investigation, et cetera, we deeply regret our participation in trying to overthrow our beloved democracy - and we hope that refusing to cooperate and/or exercising our rights under the 5th Amendment will not be seen in a negative light.
We also apologize for things like taking women's rights away, forcing female children to give birth to their rapists' babies, and all that other stuff we so proudly hailed - before the poll numbers came in and we realized that our position on this issue might not only impact people's lives, but would also impact our chances of election/re-election in November.
And then there are things like banning books, along with trying to prevent our children from learning science in the classroom - while instead educating them how to react to an active shooter who is armed with the automatic weapons we ensured he was legally allowed to possess.
Yes, we acknowledge that mistakes have been made. But as the midterms draw near, let's remember that there are very fine people on both sides, like people who threaten elected officials, judges, government agents and those who don't.
We sincerely apologize for every depraved, despicable, anti-American thing we've ever done, every lie we've ever told, every corruption we have been guilty of, and every statement we've made that has led you to believe that we are not worthy of your trust - and your vote - this fall.
All of the above being said, we hope that you voters will look past our many minor flaws and vote for Republicans in the upcoming election, confident that we have learned our lesson and will never, ever act against your best interests again.
And don't forget to contribute money you can't afford to the RW whack-job of your choice - because we have to Save America from Jewish Space Lasers and the Gazpacho Police before it's too late.
Yours Most Truly,
The GOP
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What about the trauma caused by just seeing pictures of, let alone the voice of people like Rafael Cruz from Canada, Randall Paul from Uranus, and Donald J. Trump apparently directly from Hell?
Can't wait for this to be far far behind us.
