BREAKING NEWS: Legally embattled Trump lands in Puerto Rico, demands asylum

Facing an ever-increasing number of mounting legal woes—from the investigation into the January 6th insurrection to the recent FBI search of his Mar-a-Lago property revealing top secret documents in his possession—former President Donald Trump arrived in Puerto Rico today, demanding he be granted “full and complete political asylum” by authorities in that United States territory.

“Because I have been treated so unfairly and so terribly by the laws of the United States—from the Russia hoax to the Ukraine hoax to the January 6th hoax and now this document hoax—I hereby request that I immediately be given total asylum and protection here in the free and independent sovereign nation of Puerto Rico,” Trump said while standing in front of the staircase leading to his chartered jet parked on the tarmac of San Juan’s Luis Munoz Marin International Airport. “Also commonly referred to as ‘Water Mexico.’”

“Water Mexico,” Trump reiterated. “A lot of people like to call it that. Myself included. But lots of people do.”

When asked why he specifically chose to flee to Puerto Rico as his destination for asylum, Trump claimed “they pretty much owe it to me.”

“You may recall that when I was President, Puerto Rico was hit by a terrible, terrible storm,” Trump explained. “It was called Hurricane Katrina. And as the winds howled and the waters raged, at risk to my own life I personally came in to hand deliver critical supplies, saving the lives of hundreds—if not thousands—of Puerto Ricites.”

Trump appeared to be referring to 2017’s Hurricane Maria, a Category 5 storm that devastated the island. As President, Trump did not visit until several weeks after the storm. During his trip, he harshly criticized local authorities for perceived disloyalty to him and participated in a widely-mocked photo opportunity where he threw rolls of paper towels at relief workers.

Nonetheless, at present date the former President appeared to maintain a gracious attitude towards his new island host, which has been a Commonwealth subject to U.S. laws since its annexation in 1898 following the Spanish-American War.

“As a newly-minted Puerto Ricoer, I very much look forward to sampling some of the local cuisine, such as their famed Taco Bowl,” Trump said. “Which might not measure up to the Trump Tower Taco Bowls, but then again, very few do.”

“And also the Choco Taco,” he quickly added.

Trump also said he was looking forward to engaging in some of Puerto Rico’s native customs and traditions, of which he listed “waterskiing” and “the hotel breakfast bar” as specific examples.

Trump then launched into a narrative where he praised the “democratic spirit” of the island.

“Remember that for years, Puerto Rico suffered under the oppressive regime of Fidel Castro,” Trump said. “Until one Cinco of Mayo, Puerto Ricovillians proclaimed in one loud voice ‘Uno mas!’ and rose up and overthrew that brutal dictator. It’s true. They even made a musical about it. It’s called Evita.”

The Former President said he felt optimistic he would be greeted warmly and with open arms in the U.S. territory.

“I am confident that in virtually no time, I will join the ranks of Puerto Rico’s most beloved native citizens,” Trump proclaimed. “Such as the great and legendary singer Bob Marley.”

After his remarks at the airport, Trump asked locals where he should go to make his official request for asylum. He was promptly directed to the address of the local FBI field office in San Juan.

DETAILS AT ELEVEN.