BREAKING NEWS: "Extremely somber" DeSantis decries Trump indictment
In a manner which could only be described as extremely somber and subdued, Ron DeSantis—the highly controversial Florida governor and potential Republican candidate for President in 2024—harshly criticized the forthcoming indictment of former President Donald Trump by a Manhattan grand jury for charges relating to alleged hush payments made to a mistress during the 2016 campaign.
Governor DeSantis appeared at a press conference in Tallahassee on Friday morning, where he was flanked by several of his staffers who—for reasons not explained to the media—could be seen wearing New Years Eve styled party hats and holding festive noisemakers.
“What [Manhattan District Attorney] Alvin Bragg is doing to President Trump is nothing short of a politically motivated witch hunt,” DeSantis said. “We should all be nothing short of appalled by such an un-American intrusion into the justice system.”
As the Governor spoke this, the muscles at both corners of his mouth appeared to rapidly twitch, indicating that he was either attempting to stifle a broad smile or otherwise suffering from severe abdominal discomfort.
“We cannot allow the raw politicization that could very well derail the presidential campaign of the current frontrunner for the 2024 Republican nomination, casting that entire race into a chaotic, open-ended contest which anyone besides him could win,” he added.
DeSantis then paused for just a brief second to reach beneath his podium in order to take a drink to clear his throat; however, instead of a cup of water, he appeared to sip from a champagne flute, although not before exchanging a brief clink of glasses with his spokeswoman Christina Pushaw.
“George Soros,” DeSantis then added without any sort of context whatsoever as his eyes scanned the room for any sort of reaction. “Wait, am I doing this right?”
The Governor then re-iterated his prior statement that should former President Trump choose not to voluntarily surrender himself to the Manhattan Courthouse by Tuesday for arraignment, Florida law enforcement personnel would play no role in extraditing him to New York to face charges.
“But to be clear, I’m not actually ordering Florida law enforcement to stand down,” he explained further. “You see, as it turns out, I inadvertently delegated the task of extradition of accused individuals to other jurisdictions to members of Disney Park Security. So the ball’s actually in their court, legally. Good luck with that, fellas. Remember: If you can dream it, you can do it!”
Nonetheless, Governor DeSantis left no doubt whatsoever that he viewed the decision to impose criminal charges against the man who has referred to him at various times as “Ron DeSanctimonius,” “Meatball Ron,” “Shutdown Ron,” and “Tiny D” as an “inexcusable miscarriage of justice” to which he “absolutely, positively will not stand for.”
“If there’s anything that I cannot be any more clear about, it’s that we should never, ever accept a world where someone like Donald Trump is so falsely maligne—Oh, hey! Pudding cups! Who else here wants some?” DeSantis began before Pushaw handed him a small plastic snack container, thus abruptly concluding the press conference.
DETAILS AT ELEVEN.
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Dug his whole hand into the pudding and stuffed it into his mouth!
Err, nose. A little too much on the nose. 