DU EXCLUSIVE: List of potential judges approved by Donald Trump to preside over criminal fraud case

[Tommy Carcetti]

Last edited Tue Apr 4, 2023, 12:21 PM - Edit history (1)

On April 4, 2023, Donald J. Trump became the first former U.S. President to be charged with a criminal offense, when he was indicted by a Manhattan grand jury for 34 felony counts stemming from allegations that he fraudulently misrepresented payments made to porn actress Stormy Daniels in order to procure her silence about a purported 2006 affair.

Assigned to preside over the case is New York Judge Juan Manuel Merchan, a 15-year veteran on the bench in the Manhattan Criminal Court. However, former President Trump has subsequently blasted Judge Merchan, alleging that the judge “hates” him and accusing him and his family of being unfairly biased against him.

Accordingly, the former President—claiming “inherent authority as President under Article 2, Section 2 of the U.S. Constitution”—has demanded that he be allowed to appoint the judge to hear his criminal case. Trump has reported submitted a list of candidates he deems sufficiently suitable and qualified to preside over the matter, and in an exclusive, we here at DU have obtained a copy of that list.

The names include:

Justice Amy Coney Barrett
Justice Neil Gorsuch
Justice Brett Kavanaugh
Justice Brett Kavanaugh’s bartender
Justice Brett Kavanaugh’s thankless and utterly futile AA sponsor
Retired baseball all-star David Justice
Judge Aileen Cannon
Judge Jeannine Pirro
Judge Joe Brown
Judge Lance Ito (Hey? Remember the 90s?)
Judge Reinhold
Judd(ge) Nelson
The Klingon Judge from Star Trek VI
The panel of judges for the 2013 Miss Universe pageant
New York Yankees outfielder Aaron Judge
Alan Dershowitz*
Bill Barr
The guy who replaced Bill Barr, wait, what’s his name?
Newsmax host and noted bath salt aficionado Greg Kelly
Marjorie Taylor Greene
Distinguished Harvard Law Professor George Santos
Judicial Watch President Tom Fitton (who--despite being head of an organization named "Judicial Watch"--is not an actual attorney but he can sure rock the hell out of a golf shirt!)
"Gudy Ruiliani"
Catturd2**
Vladimir Putin
That guy from Night Court
That other guy from Night Court
Frank and Mildred Murphy, a retired couple living a quiet life in the small town of Kinsley, Kansas
Donald Trump Jr.***
Lady Justice—but, like, a really, really super-hot Lady Justice
A bald eagle with a single teardrop falling from its eye
A row of unpurchased, autographed books by Mark Levin purchased in bulk
The undead, tortured spirit of Ken Starr summoned up from the fiery pits of Hell
Breitbart commentator ICuckedYourMomLOL69
A store mannequin dressed up as a judge
A box of highly classified documents hidden inside the Mar-a-Lago pool pump station room

…and finally…

Manhattan Superior Court Judge, the Honorable David T. Dennison




* Judicial robe and/or other appropriate clothing is optional

**If unavailable, to be substituted by Catturds 3, 4, and/or 6 (But not 5!)

***Please refer to attached rider as to required “medications” to be provided upon request in chambers

[Tommy Carcetti]

1. Thankfully none of these people ever donated $35 to Joe Biden. Nt