The Ron DeSantis Hospital for White Snowflakes

[Celerity]

https://thebanter.substack.com/p/the-ron-desantis-hospital-for-white

https://archive.is/d0hKy



Because I am a fake journalist covering fake stories for the fake media, I was recently allowed full access to one of the most shocking yet most secretive publicly funded institutions in the country. The Florida Hospital for White Snowflakes—also known as DeSantis HOWS, and sometimes DeSantis House—is a facility dedicated to healing young white readers exposed to books revealing unsettling truths of Black American history. Initially in disbelief that such a place even existed, I took the assignment on a lark, mostly as an all-expenses-paid break from the unpleasant northeast winter. What I saw over the course of a few short days would change my life forever.

Tad, as we’ll call him, was a junior at an exclusive mostly white private high school just outside Gainesville. Tad maintained a 3.2 average and in 2021 as a sophomore and the school’s starting quarterback led the team to its first regional title in a decade. Recruited by numerous NCAA Division I colleges, Tad could often be seen escorting various attractive young women about town in a 2021 Porsche GT3 of unknown origin. Sadly, on November 3, 2022, Tad’s world came crashing down.

Assigned Jeanne Theoharis’s The Rebellious Life of Mrs. Rosa Parks by a now unemployed English teacher who either hadn’t read or had ignored a recent memo by the school board, Tad could not locate the Cliffs Notes in time and read over half the book in conventional fashion for a paper ironically due just days before widespread availability of ChatGPT. Friends and teammates recall Tad being in an unusually somber mood in the ensuing days, making comments to the effect of “Rosa Parks received death threats for years after her courageous one-woman resistance on that bus back in 1955,” and “Rosa Parks, nearly broke, fled north to find work.”

Tad missed practice on November 9 and skipped a keg party on November 12. On the evening of November 16 Tad experienced several minutes of erectile dysfunction while attempting to bring the previous year’s prom queen to climax. The quarterback’s tailspin reached a nadir on the afternoon of Saturday, November 26 when during round 1 of the division playoffs Tad threw two interceptions in the fourth quarter en route to a 27-24 defeat at the hands of a clear underdog opponent.

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