BREAKING NEWS: Following Twitter's lead, McDonalds to retire iconic "Golden Arches" logo
In the wake of the sudden decision by social media giant Twitter to replace its famous “blue bird” brand logo with a simple “X” marking, another major corporation has chosen to abandon its longstanding and unmistakable logo in order to signal a radically different direction for the company.
Fast food conglomerate McDonalds announced in a press conference today that it soon will be retiring its ubiquitous “Golden Arches” logo found in front of its restaurants worldwide and replacing it with a new corporate insignia that it believes “more closely identifies with the true mission of McDonalds.”
“Face it, McDonalds was never anyone’s idea of fine dining,” CEO Chris Kempczinksi said before a gathering of reporters. “Sure, it might be an ideal place to get a quick, inexpensive meal. Or maybe to satisfy a craving or a guilty pleasure. But let’s be honest: the food itself was never the actual star of McDonalds.”
Instead, Kempczinski said consumers should be reminded of McDonalds’ true legacy to the business world.
“When Ray Kroc took control of McDonalds in 1961, he transformed it from a small chain of local eateries into an unstoppable behemoth that now spans the entire globe,” he said. “Now, 95% of our stores operate as franchise-owned restaurants. This allows us as a corporation the freedom to develop and market new products that are identifiable to consumers everywhere, while allowing local independently owned companies to assume all the day-to-day risks that come with the ordinary operation of business.”
Therefore, to highlight McDonalds’ pioneering franchise model, the “Golden Arches” logo will be replaced with a very different type of visual branding: the words “16 CFR Part 436,” written in plain, stark, black and white font.
“16 CFR Part 436 is the portion of the federal code governing the franchisor-franchisee relationship,” Kempczinski noted. “We think renaming our stores after this regulatory code plays the proper respect to the revolutionary business strategy that we as a company helped to perfect.”
In addition to new signage, the interior of restaurants will be getting a different look as well.
“Gone are the bright colors and photographic displays that have been commonplace features at McDonalds up to this point,” Kemcpzinski explained. “They’ll be replaced an atmosphere that is more evocative of, say, an accountant’s office. You know, intermittently flashing florescent paneled lights. Drop ceilings. Thin, gray industrial carpet. Those sort of things. We don’t want anything that makes customers to feel welcomed in any sort of way. Just eat and get out as soon as possible. That will translate into maximum level and efficiency and profit for everyone involved.”
Names of menu items long associated with McDonalds’ will also be made part of the makeover.
“We’ll be doing away with names such as ‘Big Mac,’ ‘Quarter Pounder with Cheese,’ and ‘McNuggets,’ and replacing them with references to various subsections of the regulatory code,” Kempczinski noted. “So, you should be prepared to order a 16 CFR 436.5(p) with a side of 16:1.0.1.4.53.1 Subpart A.”
“Now, will you know what you’re actually getting?” he continued. “Probably not. But in placing your order, you should know that you’re paying an homage to the great wonder that is the American corporate franchise system. Be proud!”
One thing that will be a holdover from McDonalds’ former days of lighthearted culinary fun? The children’s Happy Meal. But even that will bear little resemblance to its prior incarnation.
“No longer will our Happy Meal feature a box with whimsical images and games and characters,” Kempczinski stated. “Instead, before receiving their food, all children will be required to fill out an Assets and Liabilities disclosure form, similar to what we ask all our prospective franchisees to complete. We figure this will shut the little buggers up while we cook them their food.”
Kempczinski was then asked whether children will still receive a toy with their meal.
“A toy?” Kempczinski responded. “Yeah, um, sure. We can give them a toy. We’ll give them…the pencil they used to fill out the form. Kids will love it. You can use it for school or any number of other utilitarian purposes. They should feel privileged just to have that, really.”
All in all, Kempczinski maintained a positive outlook on all the new changes in store for his famous brand.
“To quote our new slogan,” he said, “Ba-da-da-da! We’re lovin’ the judicial immunity from liability for all events in the regular course of business of our franchise stores, including but not limited to as personal injury litigation, employee sexual harassment claims and all torts relating to and/or arising out of defective or spoiled products!”
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16 CFR Part 436! 
