From the 'you can't make shit up this funny' file

[Major Nikon]

Today I noticed a wingnut put two of his campaign signs in my yard. To be fair, it's not readily apparent this is my yard since it's on the main street front and there's a brick wall between the sidewalk and my yard. Next to the sign is some utility equipment for which they have an easement on my property, but it's still my property all the way to the street and I pay taxes on it (which in Texas is significant).

There's actually three signs on my property. Evidently the first was placed by one wingnut and another wingnut placed a sign in front of his in true asshole fashion and another sign for good measure.

My first impulse was to take the signs down, but then I had a better idea. A quick search revealed one dude's web site with email and another search of county property records got me his home address.

Come to find out, he's a self described "real estate investor". So what better investment than to rent space on my property for his signs, amiright?

So here's the email I sent him followed up with a certified letter:

Dear Robert Slattery,

On your web site it states: Show Me the Money. Real Estate Investing is only fun if it is profitable…

I noticed today that two of your campaign signs were placed on my property of Redacted (see attached picture). I charge $10 per day per sign to rent that space for this purpose. Billing is in 30 day increments. Enclosed is my invoice for 30 days. If you would like to rent this space for less than 30 days, then I will pro-rate the number of days used plus a $50 processing fee for less than 30 days.

This payment is due upon receipt via check or money order to the address on the invoice. Please note that late charges for non-payment will accrue at the rate of $5 per day, per sign after 30 days from April 20, 2024.

Thank you for your business!

Sincerely,
Redacted, President
Redacted, LLC

cc:
[e-mail]
Certified mail to Robert Slattery, 812 Gallant Fox Trail, Keller, TX 76248

[Drum]

1. Brilliant!

[barbtries]

2. please let us know how they respond.

hopefully the signs are gone by tomorrow at the latest.

[Major Nikon]

5. I'm pretty sure I'll get a call soon

The invoice is from my personal business which has all my contact info.

I'm really kind of hoping he just ignores it. The letter is going out money via certified return receipt so no way he can say he didn't get notice.

I'm semi-retired and have lots of time on my hands, so if he doesn't pay I'll take him to small claims court.

I'll update this post with how it all plays out.

[True Dough]

7. And you'll have to inform him of the interest that will accrue

for not making payment. Stick it to 'em, Major Nikon!

[brer cat]

3. Ha! Well done.

[Deuxcents]

4. 👏

[rubbersole]

6. Hang some truck nuts on his sign.

[Major Nikon]

8. I would never dream of doing that to a valued customer

Well maybe I'd dream about it.

I certainly wouldn't want to spoil any repeat business. I'm not in the real estate business, but as he says it's not fun unless it's profitable. I'm not one to thumb my nose at an excellent business opportunity.

[rubbersole]

10. If he doesn't want to pay...

...charge $5 to kick aforementioned nuts, video and post. Send him copies. Your "profitability is fun" thresholds met, any excess money could be donated to his Democratic opponent. I'd pay. 👋

[Major Nikon]

11. My goal is to run up enough charges to interest a collection agent

Or to sue him in small claims court. This certainly isn't going away for him.

I could care less about the money. It's more the principal of people who will put a political sign on my property without so much as the common decency of asking permission(which I wouldn't have granted).

If he doesn't pay, it looks as if I may be able to file a complaint with the Texas Ethics Commission:

Frequently Asked Questions
Where can I place political signs?
You can place your signs anywhere so long as they are:
1) not in the highway right of way;
2) not in a location that poses a safety hazard (e.g. blocking sight to a driveway); and
3) placed with the landowner’s permission.

It also doesn't appear as if there's a disclosure statement on the sign, which is required by Texas law.

[Ms. Toad]

17. My guess is that the signs were misplaced.

Happens pretty frequently around here. One party authorizes the sign on their property, and the signs are placed in a hurry by low paid (or volunteer) folks who don't check addresses very carefully.

[Major Nikon]

19. I think there's zero chance of that

In the picture beyond the signs is bank property. No signs appear on the bank's property as I'm sure they don't allow them. On my side of that is nothing but residential property. I see these signs all the time near utilities. Perhaps people assume the utility company owns the property and won't bother to call them out for their placement. I'm sure this guy hires someone to place his signs as I see such people all the time putting them up and taking them down after an election. There's really very few places they can legitimately put these signs. TXDOT disallows them on any right of way. Per Texas law they have to get written permission to place signs on private property. I'm reasonably sure they never or rarely secure such permission. They just put signs up in places where they don't think people will complain. In this case the area is outside a brick wall which surrounds my subdivision. Both my HOA and the utility company have easements on my property, but those easements are very particular to the use case.

[Ms. Toad]

29. Or one of the other residents authorized the sign on their property.

That is the circumstance I've got direct knowledge of happening around here pretty frequently. One resident puts a sign up, the folks putting the sign up don't check carefully, and it ends up on the wrong property.

[Major Nikon]

31. In this case I can't see that happening

The area in question is on the outside of a 6' brick wall that surrounds the subdivision. There's no way to tell who owns the properties outside without reviewing satellite footage or doing a lot of research. Now certainly people have candidates or themselves put up signs, but this is done in their front yards. The only people who put up signs along the thoroughfare outside my division are people who don't think anyone is going to call them on it.

[Hekate]

9. Priceless!

[AverageOldGuy]

12. Please come back . . .

. . . with regular updates.

[LudwigPastorius]

13. A self-described "Constitutional Conservative"...

Sounds like he respects the law, and wouldn't dream of stiffing you for the service you have rendered.

[Think. Again.]

14. I think you forgot to mention the fee for....

....the removal of abandoned property and site remediation in the event of default on the lease.

[CaptainTruth]

15. That's brilliant! I want to know what happens.

[Faux pas]

16. ...

[Major Nikon]

18. Well it didn't take long to get a reply

Here's what I received via email and my subsequent reply:

From: Robert Slattery 425-205-1000
Sent: Saturday, April 20, 2024 8:43 PM
To: Redacted; [e-mail]
Subject: Re: Show me the money!

Cute. You acquire two of my yard signs, install them on your property, snap a picture, then send me a bogus bill. I guess your Redacted business must be slow these days.

You have too much time on your hands, my friend.

Robert

Robert Slattery
Cash Flow Assets LLC
425-205-1000

My reply:

Robert Slattery,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my invoice. I’ll take this as notice you received and reviewed it. I assure you the invoice is legitimate, and this is not a joke. Please remit the specified charges at your earliest convenience to avoid penalties and collection actions.

If you no longer wish to use my property for your personal political purposes, I suggest you remove it ASAP to avoid further charges. I would also suggest you review the Texas Ethics Commission and TXDOT Title 6, Subtitle H, chapter and section 394.049 regarding asking property owner’s permission prior to placing your signs on private property.

Your friend,

Redacted, President
Redacted, LLC

[Wednesdays]

22. Unfortunately, he does have a point.

You have to prove that he or someone he hired installed those signs.

[Major Nikon]

32. With tort law you don't have to prove anything

All it takes is a preponderance of evidence and a judge decides one way or another. The sign was certainly placed there by someone and it makes zero sense I would do it. His point about how I stole his signs and then fraudulently tried to send him a "bogus" invoice I don't think it going to fly very high in front of a judge. The most logical explanation is he placed the sign there, which he obviously did.

[Qutzupalotl]

33. Or a supporter of his did it,

who might not be aware of the property lines.

If they are on your property, you can remove the signs or place your own; or maybe put a Private Property sign. But it's not a given that the candidate placed the signs himself.

[progressoid]

23. Wow, what an a-hole.

[JustAnotherGen]

20. I like this!

You beat my Secession letters to Trump Tower in 2016.

[AZ8theist]

21. if it were me, after giving the asshole fair warning/notice....

My next move would involve lighter fluid and a match.

After all, he claims you bought the signs, right? Nothing illegal about getting rid of your own property......

[Bayard]

24. Very interested to see how this shakes out

Please keep us posted.

[Major Nikon]

25. Reply #2 from dipshit

I did not install any signs on your property. If you don't want the signs there, you are welcome to remove them. Just as you likely installed them.

Have a nice life. This is the last time I will respond to your absurd and immature threats.

Sincere regards,

Robert

Robert Slattery
Cash Flow Assets LLC
425-205-1000

What I think it totally hilarious is if he didn't want to respond, he should have thought of that from the beginning. Now I have a written paper trail proving he received my invoice. I have no intention of removing his signs. Why would I? He's going to pay me $20 per day to keep them there and more in penalties if he doesn't pay up. I'm just going to keep sending him invoices and notices of non-payment. At some point I'll sue him and/or turn him over to a collection agency.

The one part he absolutely got right is I have a lot of time on my hands since I'm mostly retired. That doesn't really work in his favor. I've got plenty of time to go after him for payment.

[captain queeg]

26. A yes, one of the great things about retirement is you have time to pursue whatever you want.

Sounds like it’ll be entertaining.

[Bayard]

34. New hobbies are a good thing!

[blm]

27. Brav O

🫡

[NBachers]

28. I see you're regarding these signs as a form of cash flow asset. Robert Slattery should be proud of you.

[malaise]

30. Nicely done

Rec

[Upthevibe]

35. Major Nikon.........

Brilliant!

[republianmushroom]

36. Love it

[twodogsbarking]

37. Where I live you cannot put signs of any kind in the right-of-way. I pull them out and lay them down.

[4lbs]

38. Good going! A few years back a woman candidate was running for city council in my area.

I think one of her supporters had some yard signs. They had her picture on it, and she was running for an open seat. He was a dude, and it was definitely not her. Her main opponent was also a guy.

Also, I think the district wasn't my district, but my house and yard are on a corner lot, near a bank that presumably was frequented by many would-be voting members of said district.

He knocked on my door and asked for permission to put up signs in my yard. I guess he saw the enormous (foot) traffic from my space being a corner house near a major bank and decided it would be a good idea to have some signs there.

Anyway, I said 'YES", and he put up a few signs, one in each direction.

I asked him what would happen to them AFTER the election, since they were no longer necessary then. He told me I could uproot them then and keep them if I wanted, or throw them away. Either way, he would not be back for them. They were mine to "keep and do as I wished".

She (the candidate) ended up winning by about 7 percent. She got 53% versus her opponent's 46%.

She is still there on the city council. Her name is Carolina Chavez. Her term expires in 2026.

BTW, I still have those signs. They are in a collection of stuff in my garage.

[Layzeebeaver]

39. Thank you for this thread!

It’s wildly entertaining and I can’t wait for the next episode!

[AKwannabe]

40. Friggin brilliant! nt

[flying_wahini]

41. I just might have to sign him up on a few websites.....

[Wild blueberry]

42. Very creative!

You're talking his language, money, and he continues to provide you evidence of receipt of letter, etc.
He could have just taken them down himself in the time he's spent responding to you and proving his receipt of your letter.
This is a hilarious saga! Please keep us updated. Thank you.

[mahatmakanejeeves]

43. Have you considered holding a drag queen story hour on

your property right next to the signs?

[Prof. Toru Tanaka]

44. This calls for a limerick.

Candidate Robert Slattery

pulled off some big time asshattery.

So Major Nikon’s charging fees,

paid by certified check please,

and Major says “spare me your flattery!”