Da Nu Rulez: Doomsday Prediction Edition
OK. Today is Saturday, 12/22/2012. One day after the supposed end of the world predicted by the end of the Mayan calendar. Well, not by the calendar, but by every shitwich who thought that this actually meant something. Well, something other than if the Mayans figured if they needed another calendar in a few hundred years, they'd make one then.
In other words, the world is still here and, apparently, must still be dealt with at least until the next doomsday prediction. I hope those who did believe in this hedged their bets by accepting holiday party invites and purchasing gifts and attending services as encouraged and required by individual traditions and beliefs. You really don't want to be known as the one who didn't buy his/her kids anything for Christmas because the end of the world would beat it here by four days, do you?
Ever since the last year or so of the 1990's, there have been doomsday predictions. And for every doomsday prediction that has been made, those remedials among us who think that they, outside of all people who ever lived, by virtue of their special-little-snowflakeness, would be here to witness the end of the world have gone positively nutters "preparing" for it. From the Rapturists to the doomsday preppers, there are always those who think they can somehow "survive" the aftermath of whatever world-mangling doom approaches.
But having survived doomsday several times suffering nothing more than brain exhaustion brought about by the surrounding idiocy, I think it's time we take stock and lay down some rules if you are the type to make doomsday predictions.
Rules for Future End-Of-The-World Prophecies (EWPs)
1. You must provide a specific date and time for the apocalypse. A date's not good enough. Those of us trying to prepare for the end of the world need to know down to the hour at a minimum so that we can appropriately plan out our last day. I mean the veteran doomsday prepper isn't going to rush breakfast if doomsday is in the late afternoon or evening sometime. Rushing around can lead to accidents, which will likely impact your enjoyment of the doomsday event. To be specific as to date and time is only reasonable.
2. All future EWPs must be precise as to the nature of the doomsday event. When providing an EWP without specificity with regard to it's nature, your veteran doomsday prepper will have to take a "kitchen sink" approach. There are different survival strategies for different disasters. Without specific knowledge, you have to dabble in a little of each, which can be quite an expensive endeavor. A specific statement of the nature of the disaster can increase the effectiveness of the survival strategy while at the same time reducing the cost of the endeavor, which just makes good fiscal sense.
3. All future EWPs must also come with a prewritten statement of apology to all of those misled by the prediction should it not come to pass. Given the track record of doomsday soothsaying, this will just save time.
4. Wrong EWPs shall result in the incarceration of the "prophet" for a period not less than 5 years and no greater than 20 years, with the sentence to be determined by the amount of headache and trouble the prediction causes. For example, if 35 people in a village north of Reykjavik were the only people who bought it and simply used it as an excuse for an end-of-the-world party, 5 years. If a show like Doomsday Preppers shows up on cable, well, you get the book thrown at you.
I think that with these rules in mind, we can greatly improve the quality of doom and gloom propheteering and make everyone's end of the world experience much more enjoyable.
= new reply since forum marked as read
I am SO stealing that.
Good rant!
Mayan date. The date is significant as the end to the yuga, or aka "era". Supposedly, what is happening, and you tell me if you think it's true, is we are finally awakening to the shit we've been fed as truth for a very long time. Mind you, there isn't one aspect that is not being effected these days, politics, religion, governments, medical care, corporate interests, all of it - is finally being seen for what it is.
Now, some are awakening at their own pace, slow though it may be. I suspect, even the fools who call others "shitwich" because they don't understand what the Mayans were actually predicting, it's a flippin calendar, it goes on, honey, it's actually based on science which was seemingly perhaps more advanced than we may ever hope to be...it's all about cycles.
Frankly, I'm surprised that an open minded DU'er hasn't scratched beneath the surface a bit. Now, who you callin shitwich, my friend?
The Mayans don't care what you think, in fact, the indiginous could teach all of us a thing or two about respecting our planet, and they'd take your heart in a minute...it's a real puzzler, that such a violent group also had knowledge of astronomy and earth cycles, AND structural engineering that we can't even replicate at our sophisticated stage.
Doomsday preppers are NOT part of the Mayan people or they'd understand they had no doomsday to prep for. But then again, some say even the gov't has prepped...and then you have the "history" channel that was cycling all this rubbish...what to rile the ignorant masses? I really wonder about all the sensationalizing the media does. Who does it serve? Not the people, that's for sure. Oh...that's another veil of truth lifting....get used to it.
Supposedly, we are in for the beginning of a new golden age....of which I am thoroughly doubtful, given the hatred and ignorance that continues to be spewed...but...hey...maybe it's just me. I sure hope it is true, I'm so sick of what passes these days for life. It sucks.
I don't think man was meant to live as a continual slave to debt to serve the uber-wealthy. Occupy that.
get down to "serious bidness", I wonder how effective you'll be at that too. I'm not giving comedy pointers, I'm telling you to use the tools available to wannabe comedians, and use the sarcasm icon. It will truly help in the future. Consider this as my pointer, when in doubt, spell it out. 
There's too many assholes around these days, it's hard to tell joke-sters from haters, and I've seriously had enough of the ignorant among us. Yeah, my funnybone's been bent backwards from fools....or tools...depending on one's take.
improved poster, who calls it and tells it like it is. May it catch on, and may needless alerts be averted.
This is not combat, this is education. Seriously, I for one, am glad for the new era. I'm sick and tired of the masses getting screwed at every turn. While your joke may have been aimed at preppers, of which I too have much disdain, I'm really tired of DU'ers kicking ass to other DU'ers, save it for the freepers among us, save it for the preppers, your sig line is beautiful and says it all really, but you don't take your own advice.
Don't count the Mayans out just yet. Let me know how you feel in time.
Peace, & watch more Letterman or Real Time 
I was hoping this was all a horrible dream..Damn Mayans.
For crying out loud! If one couldn't read that and see it was dripping with sarcasm there is something seriously wrong. This is either the second or third post I've seen by one of the posters getting all outraged and defending the Mayan people.
The whole thing was a joke! Get over it for crying out loud!
(Of course, you know what that and 25 cents will buy you. )