Diplomacy for Dummies: Duck and Cover Edition -- JoJoFromJerz

[erronis]

https://jojofromjerz.substack.com/p/diplomacy-for-dummies-duck-and-cover

In the sprawling multiverse of human stupidity, a cosmic scrapbook of how in the hell our species made it past the invention of fire, we have produced disasters so iconic they deserve their own cautionary museum wing or at the very least a commemorative stamp. We invented the Segway, that six thousand dollar contraption bravely asking what if we recreated walking but made it embarrassing. We endured the movie Cats, which looked like the rejected outtakes of a furry orgy the director begged humanity to forget. And we somehow survived the Cold Shoulder Blouse epidemic of 2016, when shoulders were sultry, sleeves were tyranny, and fashion was basically like why are you looking at me bitch you’re the one still wearing patterned leggings to brunch.

. . .

Because Piggy von Blackhands lurched out earlier this week like a butter-slicked Thanksgiving turkey that suddenly developed opinions on geopolitics and blurted that Ukraine had until Thanksgiving to accept this so called “plan.” He unleashed it with the cracked bravado of a man who mistakes the echo of his own voice for international consensus.

Except it was not final. Not even for a moment. It was not firm. Not even in a Viagra ad. And this thing was about as American as Putin’s underballs dunked in imported caviar.

. . .

So naturally Grampa Trump resurfaced yesterday wrapped in that Mamdani adjacent scarf bib hybrid that made him look like a colonial ghost who had been styled by the clearance aisle at HomeGoods and suddenly claimed the plan was not in fact final. The deadline was not at all firm. The thing he had declared definitive was now a floating suggestion swirling in the emptiness behind his eyes. He backpedaled so fast he could have powered a water wheel.

. . .

[LearnedHand]

1. Love this part

Ukraine was left blinking into this diplomatic hellscape like someone had just handed them a ransom note written in the tone of a sext between the brain worm married guy and the blonde engaged reporter supposedly covering him without bias. And the rest of the world stared at the United States like we had rolled ourselves in corn syrup, wandered into a crowded dog park at feeding time, and then asked the owners to applaud our composure while fifty dogs sniffed our butt like it was a goddamn crime scene.

[Joinfortmill]

2. OMG! Hahaha!

[MustLoveBeagles]

3. Lol

[Whiskeytide]

4. Big fan of JoJo here. But ...

… what, exactly, are “underballs”?