Spurious News: Trump to receive Nobel Prize...just not the one he wanted
STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN (Spurious News Network) -- The one thing King Donald Trump wants more than anything, more than power, money or infamy although he really likes all three of those, is a Nobel Peace Prize.
The thing that is most abundantly clear is the Nobel Peace Prize Committee would award the prize to the late Nigerian strongman Sani Abacha, the late Ugandan strongman Idi Amin or the current North Korean strongman Kim Jong Un - wretched scum to a man - with the greatest of pleasure before they'd even think about giving it to Trump.
"You'd have to be on very strong drugs to think we'd make Trump the laureate for the Peace Prize," said a Nobel Committee spokesperson who requested anonymity. "Peace is not within him, as proven by the fact he just started a war."
However, the Nobel Committee has decided to take care of King Donald's lack-of-Nobel problem once and for all by creating a sixth award, the Nobel Prize for Political Corruption.
"It's the perfect award for him," said the spokesperson. "The Nobel Prize for Political Corruption honors the world leader who's been the biggest scumbag over the last year. The only reason he doesn't have one yet is this is the first year the award will be presented."
The award for the Prize is shaped like a pair of handcuffs. "That's not really true," said the spokesperson. "It isn't 'shaped' like a pair of handcuffs, it is a pair of handcuffs. He will be put in them on his way to the International Criminal Court in The Hague. It also comes with a 25-euro honorarium, which he will spend to buy a meal at the airport he's doing a layover in on his way to his trial."
There is one other part to the award, which had to be changed due to current political realities. "In the old days," the spokesperson said, "the proper punishment for a leader as crooked as Trump is was beheading, either with a guillotine or an ax. Today all the nations of the European Union have abolished capital punishment, which was the right thing to do. However, we read the laws very closely and there's nothing in there that says we can't strip him naked, dip him in honey and throw him out of a cargo plane into the middle of a pack of polar bears."
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