Welcome to Portland Maine, ICE agents!
Welcome to Portland, Maine, Immigration and Customs enforcers! Your training has no doubt prepared you to operate in a wide variety of cities President Trump dislikes, but Portland, the original Portland, has its own set of peculiarities. Understanding these may make your time here go more smoothly and comfortably while you abduct our friends and neighbors.
As you may have read in Bon Appetit, Portland has many fine restaurants and bakeries. I’m pretty sure I myself could blow through your sign-on bonus on pastries alone! Just don’t be surprised if you get some awkward looks, because it could be unsettling to serve someone who might abduct another diner or a member of their staff.
While you’re here, I’d strongly suggest popping into one of our plentiful marijuana shops (don’t deport anyone while you’re there, it’s all legal!). Feel free to indulge. Go wild! And if you feel the urge to just sit in your SUV and crank some tunes instead of meeting that pesky kidnapping quota, rock on, brother.
While you are running around our icy, cobblestone streets, remember that most of the people you are after have fled something much worse than cold and found some safety and comfort here. Helping others in that way makes us feel good and useful. Is that weird?
https://www.pressherald.com/2026/01/23/welcome-to-portland-ice-agents-make-yourselves-at-home-op
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