Spurious News: European defense alliance introduces "highly ICE resistant" house doors!
VERSAILLES, FRANCE (Spurious News Network) -- "The American people have been true friends to Europe for over a century," said Véronique Creissels, Chief Communications Officer for European defense manufacturer KNDS. "They have helped us defeat fascism and brought peace and stability to our entire continent. Since they now face a severe fascist threat themselves, the European defense industry decided it was time to give back."
Madame Creissels is speaking of the "ICE Free" entry door system, which is the product of a partnership between KNDS France, German cannon manufacturer Rheinmetall AG, Swedish lock manufacturer ASSA Abloy AB, and explosives manufacturer Dyno Nobel. "Each company in the alliance brings unique capabilities to the table," said Madame Creissels. "We call this a 'highly ICE resistant' door system. We're refraining from calling it 'ICE-proof' because there's a slight chance ICE will bring a tank to try to get into your house, but it's incredibly solid and hard to defeat. While there are other companies in Europe that could make parts of these doors, the ones in the group are excited about the innovations they have created."
KNDS France manufactures the door slabs in a machine shop in Paris. "They're solid rolled homogenous steel plate - the same metal the AMX-30 tank was made from - one and three quarters of an inch thick," said Madame Creissels. "We use American measurements rather than metric for these as they're going into American homes. We tested one by firing an AT4 antitank rocket, the weapon we think ICE will use to try to break through this door, at the rocket's minimum arming range. It barely scuffed the paint. We then fired ten AT4s and a Carl Gustaf rocket simultaneously at the same door. They didn't go through either."
Rheinmetall provides the door frames, the fasteners that will attach the door to the customer's home, and balances the completed doors. "The frames are made from the same steel Rheinmetall uses to make artillery barrels. It is very tough. What's really amazing is the balancing work they do to make the door as easy to open as the door you already have. A three-year-old child can open this door with no effort, as you are about to see. On cue, a little girl ran into the room. "This is my granddaughter Mimi," Madame Creissels said, smiling. "Mimi is about to show you how easy it is to open this door." She spoke in Mimi's ear; Mimi rushed to the door and opened it easily. "See? Even though the door weighs well over a thousand American pounds, it's just like opening a regular door. Why don't you try it?" I did, and she was wrong: it's not 'just like opening a regular door,' it's easier than any door I've ever opened.
ASSA Abloy makes the locks. "I am not at liberty to discuss the locks on these doors," said Madame Creissels, "except to say no one is ever going to enter a building protected by these locks without the key." An ASSA Abloy spokesperson who requested anonymity added, "let's just say the answer to the question 'what's the hardest thing in the universe' is no longer 'Donald Trump's head.'"
While the addition of Dyno Nobel may sound surprising, Madame Creissels assures me it isn't. "Dyno Nobel manufactures the Claymore mines that attach to a bracket on the outside of the door. The doors come as a package, one for the front of your home and the other for the back. You get two boxes of mines with twelve mines per box, and if you use up all the mines in one box we send you two more boxes. They can either be fired at the press of a button or automatically through smart logic that determines if the person at the door is ICE, regardless of what they're wearing, or a Girl Scout selling cookies. It keeps the mine from firing if it's the Girl Scout." When I asked Madame Creissels why you got so many mines, she said, "ICE might come back."
These doors are amazingly affordable at only $599 for two door systems and two boxes of Claymore mines. "We had no desire to sell these doors only to the rich," said Madame Creissels. "The rich aren't the ones getting hauled off by Trump's gestapo. Any homeowner can afford these doors." They're sold only with free installation. "The entire door system weighs 2800 pounds. The only way to install one is with a crane." A million doors were ordered in the first hour of their availability. "About two hours after we announced the doors we got a phone call from Élysée Palace. Because we're a defense contractor, our customers buy very small quantities when they buy at all. After all, how many tanks or howitzers does anyone really need? President Macron noticed that we'd sold three million of one item and wanted to know when our computer had been broken into. When we told him the numbers were real and the product was a door that'll keep Donald Trump out of your house, he immediately ordered a set for the French embassy and paid for them with his own money."
The door has already received at least one real-world test that it passed with flying colors. "ICE attempted to raid the Brookline, Massachusetts, home of Siobhan and Cillian Murphy, two 32-year-olds of Irish descent born in the United States to fourth-generation Americans. An ICE agent tried to kick the door in; he used so much force in his leg against the immovable object that is our door system all the bones in the leg he used shot straight out his ass. When he went to court to file criminal charges and a lawsuit against the Murphys for grievous bodily harm, the judge asked him, 'Because you thought the people who lived in this home were illegal Mexicans you tried kicking in their door, even though a foot and a half from where your foot hit the door there's a huge plaque with two Irish flags and a map of Bantry Bay on it screwed to the wall that says 'Murphy Family, A Hundred Thousand Welcomes' in the Irish language. What in hell is wrong with you?"
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